Still Heartbroken over a Short Term Romance

LegacyUser

Hi All,

Basically I met this guy on tinder in July, we spoke for about a month before actually meeting up. We had matched on tinder because he was home for a week or so. He's from Dublin originally and now he lives and works in Bristol. I would never have dreamed of meeting somebody this way before but we got on so well, my doubts were cast away.

We met up a few times over the months and we texted everyday all day.

The distance got too much with us and he has a lot of sports training so realistically we were only going to get to see each other 6-8 weeks. The closer we got the harder it became and I found myself being quite ratty with texts at times. Early in December we agreed it would be best to cut contact with each other for good.

We only knew each for around a 5 month period, but I'm still absolutely devastated more so than I thought I would be, I didn't think I was ready for a serious relationship again but my heart is broken because it was the first guy in a long time that I could be myself with.

I think I was falling in love with him. We had a small bit of contact over Christmas basically saying we missed each other, etc.

We are still friends on Facebook, Instagram. But the other day he deleted me off Snapchat (it all sounds juvenile I know) previously he had watched all my stories etc usually within a few minutes of it been put up. Its immature I know but it actually really upset me. I'm 27 and he is 30.

Should I delete him off my social media? Or Should I tell him how I feel? There is doesn't seem to a be a solution if I do tell him how I feel, he may reject me and that would hurt me even more or he could feel the same and the outcome would still be bad.

I think I'm only torturing myself and constantly wondering what he us doing and when he inevitably moves on it will kill me even more

Any advice would be much appreciated.

leggo

It's still very soon after so don't beat yourself up for feeling so raw.

Thing with break-ups is: the depth of feelings you had matter a lot, but so does the amount of time you were together. So while the depth of feelings, hopes and dreams etc you had in this person makes it harder to cope with in the early days, time itself is a healer and adds perspective as it passes. Ultimately 5 months is a blip on the amount of time you'll spend on this earth. As time goes on, you'll see that as important as it felt in the moment, he wasn't a person you knew in and out. You didn't spend Christmas together for example, you didn't spend Valentine's or multiple birthdays, holidays etc...all the things couples do together that bind their lives around each other as each one passes and traditions etc form. Because of the distance, you didn't even get to see each other that much even. I don't say all of that to downplay your feelings or what they're going through, they're very real and we've all been there, but to stress that over time you'll see this and feel better. Trust that that's the case, accept it, and until then just get through day-by-day. Don't fight the feelings, let them in and out as they come, like a virus they have to run through your system for you to be rid of them and bottling them up only prolongs your pain.

The variable here is experience (I don't mean to talk about it all as if it's an equation, but it literally does work like this). If this was your first, or one of your first, big relationships then you'll attach all your feelings of love and security and your brain will work against you to tell you that this person was the only person who could supply that for you. Again, like with time, you have to put your faith in the knowledge that that's not the case. That the good feelings you had with this guy will return again with someone else, with better circumstances that don't cause it to fall apart, when you're ready.

It's a day-by-day process and it's ****, but there is another side to it OP, I wish you well.

BetsyEllen

I would tell him how you feel.
You have nothing to lose and if he rejects you then well, at least you have your answer and can grieve properly instead of wondering 'what if'.

OP if he does reject you though (or if you decide to just not say anything) you need to delete him from all social media.

It has to be done, there is no question about it. How can you ever get over someone when you are reminded of them every day?

Permabear

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LegacyUser

Thank you for the replies, I really appreciate the advice.

i suppose what is holding me back from telling him how I feel is the fact I have no solution to the problem, We are both in good jobs and he does have his commitment to his sport and there's also a chance he may no longer feel the same way, he could have moved on for all I know (some people do move on faster than others) It did hurt when he removed me as a friend on Snapchat but I can sort of see why he did.

Its just so hard because I cant see myself feeling this way about anyone else and I feel we didn't really have the closure. The last time we saw each we got on like a house on fire, it was just the texts after that we decided it was going to be harder and harder. Removing him from everything seems so final and will inevitably upset me but maybe it is better in the long run.

Bambi985

I think your first mistake was engaging with him so much and hoping for something more meaningful when he was only back in Ireland for a week before heading back to his life in the UK. Pertinent point being that that is where his life is currently and it obviously doesn’t have much room for you.

When i was single and passing through Dublin for a few days I remember having some great chats with a guy who was my type in every possible way. Looks, personality, background, interests, aspirations etc. Dream guy. We swapped numbers, met for a drink, incredible chemistry and he texted the next week saying it was so lovely to meet me, I was his type to a tee and it was a pity I lived abroad. To let him know if Im ever back in Ireland more permanently.

I was initially disappointed, but in time I came to respect him for it and appreciate that he did it for good reason - relationships are hard enough to cultivate, especially at the start, without adding in that long distance element. We both have busy lives on opposite sides of the pond and probably would have ended up resenting each other if we had tried for more while living so far apart. No-one needs that tbh.

This guy probably likes you, but is realistic about both of your circumstances. That’s why you’re getting the contact but not the commitment or the further effort. Seeing you once a month probably isn’t enough for him - it wouldn’t be for me. Or probably you if you’re honest with yourself.

SarahMollie

Permabear wrote: »

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This last line is key. Its clear you both like each other a lot, but thats not always enough. You've a very real barrier to your relationship and realistically is that likely to change? Unless you both decide that what you have is worth you both either committing to regular weekends together/one person moving, then you're probably just wasting each others time unfortunately.

LegacyUser

You are all making perfect sense, I suppose its just harder to actually do. Another thing that is stopping me from removing him is hope. Hope that our paths would cross again, hope that one day he might move home and that line of communication is there, if he was single at the time of course.

But I think I'm fooling myself

Bambi985

confusedandadazed wrote: »

You are all making perfect sense, I suppose its just harder to actually do. Another thing that is stopping me from removing him is hope. Hope that our paths would cross again, hope that one day he might move home and that line of communication is there, if he was single at the time of course.

But I think I'm fooling myself

ah sure listen, we've all been there, each and every one of us. The lines blur when the heart is involved.

one pattern i've noticed among friedns who use tinder and its sort is that the texting over and back thing can land a lot of them in trouble. too much whatsapp contact without enough (or any) face-to-face meetings can foster a false sense of intimacy and make you feel like you really click with a lad when the reality is you barely know him at all. texts require absolutely zero effort - 20 seconds tops typing into your phone - and the high you can get from this kind of constant attention can be addictive. the buzz of your phone lighting up every few minutes etc.

In reality it counts for nothing and tells you nothing about a person or their suitability for you. all it tells you really is that they're bored and enjoying the attention. i've friends who have done it for YEARS with fellas due to distance, both being busy, circumstances etc and gotten all sorts of emotionally attached only to have their hearts broken when the guy and the relentless contact didn't stand up in reality and turned out to be a massive waste of time.

try not to invest without seeing more of an effort (beyond texting and facebooking) in future.

LegacyUser

Yeah, I know too much texting can be a bad but whenever we did meet up in person we genuinely got on like a house on fire, Its the probably the first guy I could really be myself with, thats why its so hard.

Bambi985

confusedandadazed wrote: »

Yeah, I know too much texting can be a bad but whenever we did meet up in person we genuinely got on like a house on fire, Its the probably the first guy I could really be myself with, thats why its so hard.

why would you not feel you could be yourself with other guys? that's a strange thing to feel. if you're generally meeting guys who you can't relax around or be true to your own personality then you need to try other avenues for meeting men.

i guess what you mean is you "clicked" with this guy and i know that can be hard to find. the thing is, that spark is only one part of the equation. i've had that same "click" with guys in the past and it never amounted to more than a few dates because circumstances were holding us apart and neither one of us was in a place to change various aspects of our lives to facilitate a relationship.

of the relationships i've had - yeah we got on like a house on fire, but there was more than that too. there was an ease with things that didn't exist with other men i'd met. there was no second guessing, no lack of an effort on either side. they went out of their way to make room for me in their lives and without making a big deal of it either - they just wanted to be with me and nothing was a sacrifice too far. that in my experience can be a lot harder to find than the initial spark.

i don't see any evidence of that with your fella. not that it's his fault or i'd blame him - long distance relationships aren't for everyone, especially when you have a busy life and the regular travel and sacrifice is a step too far.

LegacyUser

I suppose I was holding back from my sense of humor etc with other guys. It just felt natural with these guy. But you are right if we cannot make it work there is no point in contacting him again.

I'm not one of those people that believe that if two people are meant to be together it will happen, it requires effort on both sides and clearly neither of us are ready to do that. I just think to myself if circumstances changed that if he ended up back at home or if I ended up in the UK for whatever reason it would be nice if I felt I could contact him again. But realistically that wont happen and I guess I will have to go through this heartbreak and try move on with my life.

milli milli

confusedanddazed wrote: »

I suppose I was holding back from my sense of humor etc with other guys. It just felt natural with these guy. But you are right if we cannot make it work there is no point in contacting him again.

I'm not one of those people that believe that if two people are meant to be together it will happen, it requires effort on both sides and clearly neither of us are ready to do that. I just think to myself if circumstances changed that if he ended up back at home or if I ended up in the UK for whatever reason it would be nice if I felt I could contact him again. But realistically that wont happen and I guess I will have to go through this heartbreak and try move on with my life.

Ah OP I really feel for you. I hope you're ok.
It feels cruel that you meet the perfect guy for you but in the wrong circumstances.
You know sometimes it works out, sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes your lives cross again, sometimes they don't.
There's absolutely no way of knowing.

All you can do is live your life. I find it hard deleting someone cold turkey. It's probably best to do it like this though. But sometimes I need a bit of time to delete them, so for example if it's Facebook, I'd just hide them from my newsfeed. Then eventually when enough time has past and I've healed a bit, a full delete is easier.
Or for WhatsApp, I might archive the chat so I'm not seeing them in my list of chats.

You can always write down their phone number too if you feel like you'd like to keep some kind of means of contact.

Do whatever feels right for you. It's hard to remove someone from your life, especially in these kind of circumstances.

Just give yourself time and TLC. Maybe you'll meet this guy again, maybe you'll meet someone better? Maybe you'll be happy on your own?
Until then live your life, maybe take up a new hobby or a personal project - great for distraction or as a way to feel better.
Take care of yourself OP.

farmdogg

An athlete who lives in another country. And he's already agreed with you that ye need to cut off contact for good.

I'm definitely not seeing a bright future.

gsi300024v

Spot of counselling to figure out why it affect you so much?

Doddledoo32

I don't think by right you need counselling as others suggested I think you may have just saw/hoped things would work out differently . Just try and stop thinking about him and just see what happens . Things have a way of turning around in seconds and this will pass , be gentle with yourself

gsi300024v

Maybe you could do nice things for yourself on days you are down, get fancy coffee, get a massage, you'll see you can look after yourself. Or write down 5 things you are grateful for daily, help you see that your life is not so bad. Maybe google positive psychology and do some of that, like journaling?