Any advice welcome

Surfgirl24

I have just recently broke up with my boyfriend. It was horrific we have been on and off for a year or two now. We would have a huge fight and then make up a few weeks later. When it's good it's great but when it's bad it's bad. We went away for a weekend city break in Europe and the day we came back it was like he just snapped he was so aggressive and calling me all sorts of horrible names. Getting out of the car he screamed at me "I wish you where dead" followed by "go kill yourself". This time last year I was going through a very bad time and I was sucidal and he knew that. He would comment on my appearance every now and then. I would be very insacure about my self only in the past few years since I met him. I feel completely lost. I love him with all my heart and I would do anything for him. I would do a lot more for him then he would do for me. it really hurt all the things he said and would call me. He hasn't yet apologised for any of this. Am I mad to want to make it right with him? Feeling that "I will never meet anyone" feeling. I can't talk to my family or friends as this has happened a few times and they are just tired of me being upset that I just don't say anything anymore.
All advice needed. Feeling hopeless.

retro:electro

Oh no. Please don't get back with him. What would be such a bad idea and more damaging to your self esteem. Would you go and speak to a counsellor?

blindside88

What ever you do OP don't take him back. He sounds like a horrible human being and your self worth will never rise while he is in your life. It will seem hard at first but move on without him and your life will be so much better

Emme

OP he sounds abusive. Do not go back to him. Try to get some counselling and work on your self-esteem, the self-esteem he destroyed.

Ursus Horribilis

So why did you start this thread? Would it be because you're looking for validation? Someone to tell you that it'll be grand and that it's OK to be in a relationship like this? I think on some level you know this is all wrong. I bet he has never screamed abuse at his friends or said such vile things to them. So why is it OK for him to treat you like this?

I've a relative who's in an abusive relationship. It's one of those on and off things made worse by the fact that she has a child with the guy she's with. Sadly, no matter what her parents say and do, she just keeps going back to him. He treats her like sh"t, they break up, she comes back to her family in tears. Then he reappears, she gets back with him and the cycle starts all over again. Can you imagine how frustrating it is to have someone in your family who just can't stay away from a person who's really bad for her?

I get the distinct impression that in the coming days, your boyfriend will resurface, say the right things to reel you back in and you'll go running back to him. I don't think you are anywhere nearly ready to break up with him. And don't get me wrong, you should be breaking up with him. You should be blocking his number, cutting all contact (social media, snapchat etc.) and going for counselling. But I don't think you are going to do that. What I am going to do is copy and paste some information for you from the Women's Aid website. Hopefully it will start to make you think. Domestic violence, by the way, does not always have to be a man raising his hand to his partner. It takes many forms, including psychological abuse.

From https://www.womensaid.ie Their helpline number, if you can bring yourself to call it, is 1800 341 900.

Everyone has arguments, and everyone disagrees with their partners, family members and others close to them from time to time.

But if this begins to form a consistent pattern and you feel afraid of your partner, then this in a sign of domestic violence. You may feel like you have no power over your life and that you are being controlled by your partner.

We have listed some warning signs below to help you make sense of your situation. Any one of the following signs is serious. You do not need to experience several, or all of them for your relationship to be abusive.

You are afraid of your partner.
You are constantly 'walking on eggshells' because of his mood swings.
You spend your time working out what kind of mood he is in and the focus is always on his needs.
He loses his temper easily and over minor things.
He has hit you or almost hit you and/or your children.
Your partner has been abusive in a previous relationship.
He criticises your family and friends and/or makes it difficult for you to see them or talk to them on your own.
He calls you names and threatens you and/or your children.
He is jealous and accuses you of flirting and having affairs.
He regularly criticises or undermines you in front of other people - including about the way you look, dress, and/or your abilities as a mother.
Your needs are not considered important or are ignored, and he makes the decisions in the relationship.
You find it hard to get time on your own. When you do spend time away from him, he demands to know where you were and who you were with.
He controls your access to basic essentials such as the car, the family finances, food, the telephone and internet.
He has forced you to do something that you really did not want to do.
He has forced you to have sex with him or with other people. He has made you participate in sexual activities that you were uncomfortable with.
He has threatened to have you deported because of your immigration status.
He tries to control aspects of your life such as whether you work, and where; who you see and when; what you can spend; what you can wear; what you watch or listen to on the radio or television.
He demands to know the passwords to you email account and social networking pages.
He has threatened to kill you, or to kill himself, if you leave him

mad about nuts

You need to write down everything hurtful and horrible he has done to you and how every bad action he has done made you feel,and then compare it to a future of a loving relationship,happiness and repect.This things you will never feel as long as you stay with him.
If you go back to him he will not love you or respect you more,,you will end up a bitter and broken woman.
Trust your family,change your number,shut down all your social media contact and just focus on you for a while,get a bit of breathing space....
Why would you want a negative person in your life,i don't mean to sound horrible or to scare you. but one day he will go too far and maybe he will start talking with his fists........Stay away and stay safe...

Big Bag of Chips

Surfgirl24 wrote: »

He hasn't yet apologised for any of this. Am I mad to want to make it right with him?

So, let me get this right. He tells you he wishes you were dead, and to go kill yourself.... And you're wondering should you make it right with him????

Make what right with him? What did you do wrong that you need to make right? Should it not be him trying to make it right with you? He couldn't give a damn about you. I'm guessing all this off again/on again stuff continues because you go 'making it right' after the rows? Stop. It's not working. I don't know if you get nasty in rows with him too, but whether you do or don't your relationship isn't right.

Do you think your relationship is normal? Are all your friends in relationships like that where they have awful rows, say disgusting things, break up and get back together and continue the cycle? He doesn't love you. It sounds like he doesn't even like you all that much. Would you tell someone you love to go kill themselves? Would you say that to a friend or family member? Would he?

The best thing you will ever do for yourself is not contact him again. Make the decision to never contact him again. Starting today. Block all means he has of contacting you and do not chase him. He doesn't love you. He doesn't want a long term relationship with you. By his latest outburst he doesn't even want you anywhere near his life. He wants you gone.

You need to break the habit of falling back to him. Because that's all it is. A habit. It's not a relationship. You won't know your peace once you've finally turned your back on this fella. I'd guess though if he sees you're not begging him back he might try to coax you back. Don't fall for it. He doesn't want you, but he wants to keep you handy for when he wants someone. Trust me, you will be happy with someone else. Even if you never get into another relationship you'd be happier free from him than tied to him and abused for the rest of your life.