Long distance relationship cheating

Ckboy1234

I've been in a long distance relationship with a girl for just over seven months now. We originally met in person and clicked straight away, but we both had to move away but decided to stay in touch. Things picked up and we decided to give long distance a go, and I booked flights to go see her over new year's. We'd a great time together and she seemed perfect for me, and we knew both that once I left things would still be good and long distance would work out fine for a while. I stayed for 2 weeks and on the last day found out that she'd slept with a guy that she hung out with back in October after a night of drinking at his place. He didn't know about me at the time and this was even after I'd booked a flight to come see her. She'd been going through a very rough time with college and her family life, but I was always there to try help over the phone as best I could, but she says that all her issues, combined with the sexual frustration of waiting for me to visit before we could have sex, built up and she needed to de-stress, and sleeping with this guy, who she says she really liked at the time, was the answer. I've confronted her about it since coming home and she says that it was a stupid once off mistake, she felt so so guilty about it after it happened and hasn't been able to stop apologising for it, saying she doesn't deserve me after what she did but wants to make it up to me. I believe that she loves me very much, and I love her too, I just don't know if I can go on knowing that this happened and I was completely oblivious to it for months. She keeps going on about how I'm the last person she'd ever want to hurt, and I believe her when she says that, but I feel like that one night will always be in the back of my mind no matter what and I still have questions about it, but part of me is fearful about bringing it up because I hate reminding her about it and we both just want to move on. She says that she didn't even think about it while we were together in person, and says that she would've told me if we'd still be together in a few years. She wants to come and visit me during the summer, but I just don't know if I can trust her to remain faithful until then. The guy she did it with even said that he wants to be more than friends with her, but she blocked him on all social media because she says she wants to be with me instead. But what's stopping her from sleeping with him again anyway, or any guy, while we're still long distance? I've never had trust issues before, and I really love this girl and don't want to lose her, I just don't know if there's anything that can be done to keep me completely happy with the situation and whether or not continuing the relationship, despite our strong feelings for each other, is the best move.

colmdel

Hey OP, I'm sorry but needing to "de-stress" is no excuse for cheating on someone. How did you find out that she cheated? Judging by your post you didn't know when you visited for New Years and she carried on as if nothing was wrong.
This may be the end of your relationship with this girl I'm afraid. How can you carry on a long distance relationship with someone that you know you can't trust. Even if she was faithful from now on you will always have it in the back of your head.
She said she would have told you in a few years? I'm sorry but this is no way to carry on. My advice to you would be walk away. It will be hard at first but you will thank yourself later. You deserve much better than this drama

Ckboy1234

Hey,
Thanks for the advice. I found out on the second last day of my visit. I was cleaning the room while she was out and knocked over her diary, which I didn't even know she had, and it fell open on a page that mentioned a pregnancy scare at the end of last October. I hadn't a clue what it was about because we hadn't even slept together by then, so I read the previous page where she explained that she'd slept with the other guy. She wrote that it was one of the best nights of sex she's ever had but that she was so guilty about it and didn't know if/how to tell me. When I talked to her about it she said reading the diary page back was like reading a completely different person's words. Like I mentioned, she said that the incident didn't even enter her mind during my visit, and the time we spent in person together were nothing but happy. I really believe that we've changed and helped each other for the better, and I've cared about her more than I've cared about anyone else, and she's cared about me more than anyone else I've ever met. But you're right, I think that the thought of her with him, even if it was a stupid drunken mistake on her part, will always be in my head somewhere no matter what.
Thank you.

cactusgal

Ugh. If someone is truly special to you, you'd never do anything in your power to hurt them.

She didn't even have the class to tell you.

Have pride in yourself and move on.

tara73

I would say it's pretty simple here: leave
the relationship just begun and she cheated on you. the beginning of a relationship is also the phase to build up trust, see if the person you are with is trustworthy. You just expereinced this is not the case.
You said it yourself, this cheating will always be in the back of your mind and you can't be sure whether she'll doing it again and not telling you.
No foundations here for a committed relationship.

Ursus Horribilis

I'd be wary of people who are full of excuses. This one has them in abundance. None of this is her fault, apparently. The vast majority of people who go through tough times in their lives and/or feel sexually frustrated don't go out and get laid to "de-stress". Also, if she had a pregnancy scare, does that mean she had unprotected sex with this guy? If so, she could potentially be putting your sexual health at risk.

Also, you said you believe you've changed and helped each other for the better? That could be interpreted as some sort of co-dependence. That and all those phone calls make me wonder is she something of a bird with a broken wing? Someone you feel you should save?

You don't actually know your girlfriend that well and you should see this as a warning sign about her true nature. She can apologise until the cows come home but what's that going to achieve? They're only words. It's not just the lying by omission that I'd worry about here. It's the lies she continued to tell. You don't believe this other fella crossed her mind at all while you were there? Or that flimsy excuse about the diary entries being written by some other person. I'm not seeing a lot of personal responsibility here.

leggo

I'm sorry man but you don't know this person at all. She didn't confess, she got caught, so all this apologising isn't for the act, she's just sorry she got caught. Because she didn't confess and you know she's capable of this, you now don't even know what she's up to when you're not there. Maybe after that when she saw how she could do that and get away scot-free, she began doing it every week. Maybe that wasn't even the first time she was with someone else. You don't know and now you can't even take her word for it, because you know for a fact she'll keep stuff from you to save her own neck.

Get out now before you get crushed down the line. More often than not, you don't get thanked for taking back a cheater. They see it as they can get away with anything and you'll stick around because that's the selfish way they view the world (hence: cheating to begin with). This girl's veil has slipped, take it as a blessing and get gone.

mad about nuts

leggo wrote: »

I'm sorry man but you don't know this person at all. She didn't confess, she got caught, so all this apologising isn't for the act, she's just sorry she got caught. Because she didn't confess and you know she's capable of this, you now don't even know what she's up to when you're not there. Maybe after that when she saw how she could do that and get away scot-free, she began doing it every week. Maybe that wasn't even the first time she was with someone else. You don't know and now you can't even take her word for it, because you know for a fact she'll keep stuff from you to save her own neck.

Get out now before you get crushed down the line. More often than not, you don't get thanked for taking back a cheater. They see it as they can get away with anything and you'll stick around because that's the selfish way they view the world (hence: cheating to begin with). This girl's veil has slipped, take it as a blessing and get gone.

Good advice......I'd say move on.....if ahe cheats so early on in a relationship and gets away with it.....you will have a relationship where she will walk all over you

Big Bag of Chips

A liar will only admit to what they can't deny. You have no idea if she's slept with others when she was stressed. Funny how her diary happened to fall open on the one page about a pregnancy scare!! I'm not saying you shouldn't have read the diary, but I'd question how honest you are being with yourself. Did the diary get knocked over and open on that page? Or did you go snooping because you weren't sure you could trust her. Was that the only page in the whole diary that mentioned sleeping with someone else?

She will apologise and apologise until she's blue in the face. It doesn't mean anything though. It's just words. Why are you persisting with a long distance relationship with someone you don't really know and who has cheated on you, at least once, that you know of. Relationships should be fun and easy, especially in the early days. It doesn't have to be like this. You either believe her, trust her and move on together. Or you don't believe her, can't trust her and move on from her to someone who you can have a better relationship with.

Bandana boy

I would take her at her word , Long distance relationships naturally proceed slower and its not unreasonable for her to be behaving slightly single a couple of months in and you are not seeing each other regularly .

If you like her and you have managed Long distance so far with no real base then it must mean something .