Baby mama drama

legitleggit

I have a question......how often does your boyfriend talk/message his ex who he has a kid with?
If applicable....

Ayuntamiento

You probably shouldn't get into a relationship with a guy who has baggage unless you can deal with baggage. Personally i'd avoid men with children and exes like the plague. If you go down that route you need to accept you'll always come second...at the very least. Not to mention the financial implications that come with them paying maintenance.

Mars Bar

Mod

Hi legitleggit,

As your thread is more suitable for the Relationship Issues forum I have moved it there. Please read the charter before continuing posting.

Mars Bar

zoe 3619

Depends on the age of the child.
Baby or toddler,he should be checking in regularly. Teenager with own phone,he shouldn't need to message the ex too often.

December2012

As often as is needed. In fact it's a sign of a good man if he's a good dad

ted1

Ayuntamiento wrote: »

You probably shouldn't get into a relationship with a guy who has baggage unless you can deal with baggage. Personally i'd avoid men with children and exes like the plague. If you go down that route you need to accept you'll always come second...at the very least. Not to mention the financial implications that come with them paying maintenance.

Good thing not everyone thinks like you.
I have plenty of family and friends who are in relationships where kids belonging to exes are involved and there's being no hassle.

I think your attitude is pretty poor

dudara

@ted1 - Please focus on offering helpful and constructive advice to the OP.

dudara

Reati

dudara wrote: »

@ted1 - Please focus on offering helpful and constructive advice to the OP.

dudara

I like how one person gets singled out here yet the unhelpful and unconstructive poster they replied too is ignored. And yes I am aware and will flag your post also.

Big Bag of Chips

How often do you think he should be in contact?

How often are fathers usually in contact with the mothers of their children? Daily in most cases. My friend is separated from the father of her children. He lives in the same housing estate as them. He could go a couple of weeks without seeing them and sends a token text about once a week. He promises his children all sorts and cancels more often than not.

He's a sorry excuse of a father who will tell anyone who listens how much he loves his children and how much he does for them.

The more involved a father is, the better. If he lived with the children he would have daily contact with them. Do you think it should be confined to once a week because he doesn't?

Ursus Horribilis

Ayuntamiento wrote: »

You probably shouldn't get into a relationship with a guy who has baggage unless you can deal with baggage. Personally I'd avoid men with children and exes like the plague. If you go down that route you need to accept you'll always come second...at the very least. Not to mention the financial implications that come with them paying maintenance.

The wording of this may be too blunt for some people's liking but Ayuntamiento has made very valid points here. Not everyone is cut out for relationships with single parents and they are by their nature going to be an awful lot more complicated. And yes, it may not be politically correct to say it but for many people, a single parent is not the sort of person that they want to get involved with. I've heard guys making comments along the lines of "I don't want to be rearing another fella's pups". You're burying your head in the sand if you think people don't say and think these things.

Anyway, back to the original poster. You need to give us more information about the situation. We don't know how old the child is, what the custody arrangements are between the boyfriend and the child's mother is, why they broke up and if she suspects they're more than just parents to this child.

neonsofa

Honestly, the fact you are asking this indicates to me that you are uncomfortable with the current situation re contact between himself and the ex. Whether or not this insecurity/discomfort is warranted is something only you can answer. But I would be fairly confident in saying it is not just about how often he calls her, is this right? Because like other posters said, if everything else was ok in your relationship with this guy then him phoning about his child would be a sign of a decent man and not something to worry about.

There are probably two scenarios that could be happening here:
Either the communication/relationship between the two parents is perfectly normal and acceptable and it is your insecurity at play.

Or there is something there regarding their relationship/communication that is making you question things.

Either way, how often they communicate isn't really the question you should be asking. If you are questioning how appropriate their relationship is generally then there is so much more to factor in than how many times a week they phone each other.
Do you have reason to be feeling insecure about their co parenting relationship?

By the way, I have experience from both sides on this- being the person trying to maintain a healthy relationship with the father of my child; and also from watching a person I love being taken for a ride by the ex and issues occurring when it comes to appropriate boundaries etc. So I understand it is a minefield. Blended families are tough and it is difficult to decipher roles and relationships at the best of times but if you're questioning frequency of phone calls then either something is not right generally or else you maybe aren't cut out for this type of relationship, because unfortunately it does come with the territory and you do need to consider that the ex is not just an ex, she is the mum who will be part of the family for as long as you are together so phone calls and things like that can't be a contentious issue or you're in for a lot of heartache.

If you are purely asking about the "normal" amount of contact between them in relation to the child then unfortunately there is no answer. It is up to the parents involved at the end of the day.

Ayuntamiento

I think i'm being fair in pointing out that it's not a relationship type that suits everybody. The flip-side of being insecure in that type of situation is that you might enforce rules on your partner that ultimately damage his relationship with his child and the mother of his child. I wouldn't want to be responsible for that.

Realistically the healthiest way for that child to grow up is in a situation where his/her parents get on really well with each other, are able to go on joint outings together with their child, etc.
Are you going to be happy to facilitate that?
She's not just 'the baby mama' (I question the maturity of using that phrase), she is and always will be a huge part of his life.

neonsofa

Ayuntamiento wrote: »

I think i'm being fair in pointing out that it's not a relationship type that suits everybody. The flip-side of being insecure in that type of situation is that you might enforce rules on your partner that ultimately damage his relationship with his child and the mother of his child. I wouldn't want to be responsible for that.

Realistically the healthiest way for that child to grow up is in a situation where his/her parents get on really well with each other, are able to go on joint outings together with their child, etc.
Are you going to be happy to facilitate that?
She's not just 'the baby mama' (I question the maturity of using that phrase), she is and always will be a huge part of his life.

I think you have a valid point however it is also healthy for a child to see proper boundaries and functional relationships outside of their mam and dad if their parents are separated. To see that mam and dad can get on well and be civil etc like you say but that they can also move on to healthy new relationships without a need to cling to the past and the old dynamics of just mam dad and child. Yep they are the biological family and that never changes but once the couple are separated a new dynamic does form, whether they like that or not, it doesn't mean it's less of a family or that the relationship of parent and child has to change but it is a new dynamic and sometimes that can be difficult for one or both of the parents, which leads to issues for new partners coming into the picture. Sometimes a new partner wanting to see clear boundaries (which doesn't necessarily mean no alone time as a family or anything like that) isn't always a jealousy thing or a case of them wanting to change the relationship per se, it is actually healthy to have clear boundaries and sometimes an outsider can see this moreso than the parents. But obviously it is up to the parents to enforce those boundaries and not a new partner. And that seems to be where problems occur. It really is a minefield!