Struggling to help friend

LegacyUser

I have been friends with a girl I met when I first started college for about four years now. At the time we met she had just started a new relationship and seemed to be having problems, but ultimately they worked through them. Around six months ago, she told me they had broken up and she was finding it very difficult to cope with. She also suffers with bipolar disorder, which is making it even harder for her at the moment. My heart goes out to her and I told her she could reach out to me to talk at any time, which she has. This is where the problem begins.

For the last six months she has messaged me constantly, opening up to me about feelings of self-loathing and suicidal thoughts (very serious, I know, but I don't believe she would ever act on them). It hurts me very deeply to hear her talk like this, as she's an incredible woman and honestly someone I've looked up to in many ways since we first met and I wish she could see herself this way too. I've tried on every occasion she texts me to show her this but I've reached a stage where I genuinely don't know how much longer I can keep doing this. I feel so selfish even saying it, but it's very draining on me as well.

At the beginning we would talk by text or on the phone for a few hours about the breakup and by the end of our conversation she would seem to have a much more positive outlook on herself and the situation but now it seems we just end up having the exact same conversation and go around in circles every time we talk. Any time I tell her how fantastic I think she is, how loved and appreciated she is, how talented and intelligent, she simply dismisses it or tells me that I'm lying. She messages me quite late at night without considering the fact that I have to be in work the next day and occasionally even calls me at 2/3 in the morning crying and I feel too guilty to not reply or pick up the phone. As time has passed she has started talking more and more about her mental health issues to me, and I'm happy that she feels able to talk about it rather than just bottle it all up, but she asks me a lot of questions I don't have answers for (why did BF do this if he loved her, was it all a lie, how will she go on/ever be happy again).

I have made a number of suggestions to her for dealing with both the breakup and her bipolar disorder, including talking to a therapist and her GP, mindfulness techniques, improving her diet and getting more exercise, all of which seem to have fallen on deaf ears. In particular, she take issue with the suggestion of therapy as she has tried twice before and had issues with the therapist both times. At the same time all this was going on, I was also having problems in my own life. I too went through a breakup which hurt a lot, I was under a lot pressure at work, family issues, etc. and I always felt like no matter how much I was going through or how bad my day had been I had to put my problems to the back of my mind when she texted as I was expected to be the upbeat, positive one.

I feel like I'm caught between a rock and a hard place here. I want her to keep talking to me and would do anything I possibly could to help but I've done everything I can think of and nothing has worked. I think I'm the only person she opens up to about these issues so I'm scared to pull back and offer less support as I would worry about the effect it would have on her when she's already in such a bad place. On the other hand, it's reached a stage where I'm scared to check my phone at times. Sometimes I just want to switch off and have some me time, but if she sees that I've seen her messages/been active online and not replied I would worry that it would be another blow that she just doesn't need.

Any advice on how to handle this situation in a kind way would be much appreciated!

Xterminator

HI OP

you cant fix someone. your role is to be someone they can turn to for support, & you have outdone yourself in this aspect. you feel a responsibility to this person that in my mind goes too far. you are there for the, but cannot make up their mind to seek help.

i would worry that you felt you couldn't share your feeling with her and had to wear a mask. for this friendship to be fulfilling and sustainable it does require a 2 way street element.

however i would knock the 2am calls on the head. put your phone on silent, and call back next day when you have time. Its not being callous but practical. just be open and honest.

have a look here
http://www.pieta.ie/help-someone-whos-suicidal - they have an action plan etc, but again i think your friend would need to consent.

Chakra Khan

Hi OP a ringing phone is a request not a command and as the other poster said, put it on silent. You are going to have to start setting some boundaries here and you are going to have to be the one to implement change.

While you are trying to be kind to this girl are you being kind to yourself because now it seems to me that there are two people suffering. You're only qualified to be a friend, not a counsellor and life coach. You've listened and offered advice and you can still do that but you need to start putting your own needs first.

You're not the only one who can help this girl and if you keep enabling then you will end up drained and she still won't have done anything to help herself.

You sound like the best friend anyone could have and she is so lucky but at this stage you are going round in circles. Start drawing some lines in accordance of what feels right and is good for you. She will resist but hold firm. You may even lose her friendship but it sounds very one sided anyway. My concern is for you and yours should be too. We can't give away what we haven't got.

I think you may be looking for someone to tell you it's ok to step back a bit because you can't keep this up. I'm telling you it's ok and not only that, it's imperative for your welfare and for hers that you do.

I don't think anything will happen to her if you pull back but if it does then it's not your responsibility. Reframe the friendship as kindly as you can and if she asks why just say you're getting really worn out and you know you can't help her so you just now want to be friends rather than in rescue mode. Say because you value he friendship you realise that you should be heeding some of the things you tell her and doing some self care. If she cares about you she will absolutely agree and maybe even start asking how you are. Not thinking about herself all the time will be good for her.

naughtysmurf

Hi OP,

I could have written your post word for word a few years ago, the stress was starting to affect me significantly, as selfish as it seems, I decided that my own health was more important & took a huge step back from the situation I was in, had the long calls, the dramatic episodes, the suicide threats, offered all the advice, none taken same as you, all over a ten year period

For your own sake, take a few large steps back, you have done all if not more than you could have done

Airyfairy12

Hi OP, I have been in your situation with a friend who I had to give space too because it was having such a negative effect on my own emotional and mental state, this was a ten year long friendship that I had to pull back from, I've also been the friend that expected too much emotional support from others at one point so I think that maybe I can see it from both sides a little bit.

You can't fix your friend and if she's not willing to put the work in to change her negative thinking and take the steps to improve her wellbeing there is nothing you can do for her, if she's having serious mental difficulties then thats something only medical professionals can help with, I will say though, in her defense mental health care is abysmal in Ireland and I say this from personal experience and through the experience of family members and friends who have needed mental health treatment, counsellors and psychologists in Ireland seem to only be trained in basic talk therapies which are fine for mild depression, anxieties or if youre going through a rough patch but theyre mostly useless for people who have long term psychological trauma or illnesses like bipolar so they might offer a space for her to vent and encourage her to be positive but she probably feels as though her needs arent being met which is very frustrating. The only other option is medication which isnt the solution for allot of people. She might cling to you for emotional support because she cant get support anywhere else, her illness possibly clouds her judgment in regards to boundaries and self awareness.

All in all though its not your responsibility to be her emotional support system, she seems to be prioritising her own needs over yours, she's moved past the stage of treating you like a friend and is using you to get her needs met while having little to no regard for you or your feelings. Ive had a friend like this and since I took a big step back, stopped giving into her sob stories and put myself first a little bit im much happier, less anxious and feel much more positive in general, you eventually get so wrapped up in their negative energy that you get sucked into their head space, she wont be any better off and you'll be miserable and depressed along with her.

Whether she realises it or not she's taking advantage of your good nature, you need to raise your boundaries. Turn off your phone at night or keep it on silent, only respond to her messages after a certain time of day, if youre tired, busy or you just want to relax, turn off your phone, if its important she can leave a message and you can respond at a time that suits you. If she asks why you didnt answer the phone at 2am tell her you were sleeping. If you meet up tell her you have to be somewhere else at a certain time and leave at the time you said you would, if youre talking on the phone and youre beginning to feel frustrated, be sympathetic but tell her you have to go, make something up if you have to..tell her theres someone at the door or youre about to sit down to eat and you'll contact her later. This way youre creating boundaries for yourself. Its not selfish to have boundaries or to put yourself first, if you have no boundaries for yourself then youre creating unhealthy relationships and allowing others to abuse your time and personal space.

LegacyUser

Agree with previous posters. You are not equipped to deal with this. You have gone above and beyond as a friend, but ultimately you cannot be responsible for this person's well being. I was in a fairly similar situation with a friend a couple of years ago. She had managed to fall out with practically everyone else in her life from family to housemates to colleagues. I listened for hours on end, I tried to help, but she kept going back to square one. I missed a call from her ONCE, and she dropped me like a hot potato. I messaged her, and tried ringing her, because I still cared about her and worried about her, but to no avail.

I think the only way to deal with this is to start to pull back. Starting with the calls at 2 / 3 in the morning. Don't answer. Start to carve out time for yourself and don't allow her to take so much of your time. Easier said than done, I know.

If there is anyone she will listen to, try to get her to talk to them, to her GP, to someone in a position to help, who will not be bound by the friendship aspect, and may be able to get her the help she needs. You are just not equipped to deal with this, and your own health and well being will suffer. You sound like a great friend, but now you have to be a friend to yourself.

beans

Just to say, I've been in a situation where a good friend attempted suicide. I was the last person they spoke to before heading home and making the attempt. It took quite a while for me to get over the feeling that if I had said the right thing, offered the right support or just did... something that day, that it would have turned him around and helped him through.

It was very hard for me to decouple his actions from my levels of friendship, but eventually I had to acknowledge that I had done all I could as a friend.

You can't fix this 100% on your own. You can only do what you can, and will never be able to do enough. I say this because it sounds like you're some ways down the path to burning yourself out on this.

sadie06

OP, I was in your situation for many years and I found that what worked in the end was to completely withdraw from the long, indulgent conversations and instead just keep suggesting professional help.

Have a line and stick to it 'I've realised I'm just not qualified to help you in this way. You need to seek counselling.'

You can reassure her that you are not withdrawing your friendship by actively arranging to meet up, but go to the cinema or a gig and limit the opportunity for lengthy dialogue.

If a genuine two-way friendship still exists behind it all, new patterns will emerge and you can go on to socialise together in a more healthy way. If not, it's probably to call it a day.

Big Bag of Chips

I think as soon as your friend mentions suicidal thoughts you have to step in and steer her to the Samaritans or Pieta House or Aware etc. You need to let her know, in as kind a way as possible, that you are not comfortable being her sole source of support in times like that. Explain you are not qualified and you don't know if, with the best intentions in the world, you might say something to make things worse for her. And that you are really uncomfortable about having that level of responsibility on your shoulders.

It's difficult to know if she is genuinely in that black place, or if she's using you as a crutch. She's speaking to you, because she likes hearing what you say to make her feel better. It mightn't actually make her feel better, but it's still nice to hear it. Maybe in a way you are enabling her to not seek real professional help. Maybe she didn't gel with the counsellors she's seen. Or maybe they weren't as sympathetic in telling her what she wanted to hear.

I think, for the sake of your own mental health, (and hers) you need to start putting a little bit of distance between you. Or at least setting in place boundaries that you won't allow to be crossed. You are not qualified to help her. So you can't really help her. A friendship should be a two-way street. Yes, there will be times when our friends need our support and we will drop what we're doing and put other things to the side to help out out friends. But you can't spend years doing that. And when your turn for support comes, your friend should be able to recognise that and do the same for you.

This isn't a healthy friendship. For you, or her. You do need to try get that through to her. Tell her using you as her sole support isn't working if it's not improving her mental health after all this time. Tell her you don't want to cut her off, but you don't want to be prolonging her difficulties and maybe even contributing to them. If you turn it around like that, she might realise what she has been like and might realise that in order to keep you as a friend, she needs to seek proper professional help and not burden you quite so much.

Edit: your first step might be to stop telling her all the nice things she wants to hear and replace it with something like, "I know that's how you're feeling. I'm genuinely afraid for you, and think you need to speak to someone else about this." If she continues to speak negatively about herself, just keep repeating "I think you need to speak to someone else about this". You might end up sounding like a broken record, but it might work better than listening to her and enabling the negative conversations.

Dial Hard

Big Bag of Chips wrote:

I think as soon as your friend mentions suicidal thoughts you have to step in and steer her to the Samaritans or Pieta House or Aware etc. You need to let her know, in as kind a way as possible, that you are not comfortable being her sole source of support in times like that. Explain you are not qualified and you don't know if, with the best intentions in the world, you might say something to make things worse for her. And that you are really uncomfortable about having that level of responsibility on your shoulders.

This x100. I have a friend who works in this area and she always says that as soon as anyone expresses any kind of suicide ideation, it's time to speak to a specialist service, it doesn't matter how serious or otherwise you think they're actually are about it. It also means, as BBoC says, that you're not carrying the weight of their threatened actions on your shoulders alone.

LegacyUser

Hi all

Firstly, thanks so much for the kind replies. All the advice is so helpful and I really do appreciate it!

One poster in particular really hit the nail on the head when they said I may be looking for someone to tell me it's ok to step back. Once I read that I realised it was exactly how I felt.

The other night, as per usual, she texted me saying no one cares about her, etc, etc, and after pouring my heart into my replies all I got back was "that's bull****". I replied and told her I wouldn't lie to her about something like this but I had reached a stage where I didn't know what else I could say to her. She replied with some (in my opinion) thinly veiled dig at me about how sorry she was for burdening me and I haven't heard from her since, although I did text to tell her I was happy to talk and try to help.

Honestly, I feel so much calmer the last few days. I have spent time worried about her, wondering if she needs to talk but doesn't want to reach out but overall I'm happier. I think tomorrow I will text her to see how she is, but I feel a lot better and more able to set boundaries now that I can see the difference it makes in me. Will also bear in mind what some posters said about Pieta House, etc.

Thanks again eveyone!

Big Bag of Chips

Just be careful of chasing her! I don't doubt that she's unwell. But she's also attention seeking. You've already texted her telling her you're there to talk and you haven't heard back from her. I would think the ball is now in her court to contact you. She's now playing a game where she's ignoring you, to get you worried about her, to get you to apologise and the cycle of the friendship continues. If you want to text her I would give it at least a week. And then don't text asking how she is, but maybe to organise coffee or something. Switch the balance of your friendship to always being about her and her mood, and try to just have it being a mutual friendship. She'll be fine, and if she truly values your friendship, rather than your ego boosts, then she will genuinely come back to you first, with a different attitude to the friendship.

If you don't hear from her, she's got what she wants from you and now has decided to move on because you are no longer providing it. Difficult as it may be for you, you are not responsible for her mental health problems and you shouldn't feel the need to take on that responsibility.

Edit: her reaction to you might be an indication of the "issues" she had with the two previous therapists.

LynnGrace

That's good to hear, OP. I agree with Big Bag, be wary of chasing her. I would be inclined to leave things as they are for now, and focus on yourself. You mentioned getting some 'me time' in your original post. I would say, go for it.

Arrange to meet up with friends, or some treat to yourself, whatever you enjoy doing. She has drained you, by the sound of things. She may well have 'moved on', now that you have said that you are not able to help.
And if so, que sera sera.

rainbowtrout

I too agree with BBoC, and it's what I thought when I read the earlier posts. Part of her problem is mental health issues, but there is a huge dose of attention seeking in there too. And you do not have to respond to it. She does know exactly what she is doing by throwing a strop to reel you back in, so you will go back to the previous pattern of behaviour. No good will come of this.

From your OP it sounds like she is in contact with you a lot through calls and texts, but now that you have called her out on her response, you're getting the cold shoulder and she's playing mind games.

She does have problems, which are not yours to solve, you have pointed her in the right direction, to people that can help, but she is canny enough to play mind games with you, and seeing as you haven't heard from her in a few days, it would appear that her need to text you constantly may not just stem from mental health issues but attention seeking issues. It's stopped now that you've taken a bit of a stand.

Don't chase her, she will call if she genuinely needs you. Do take the advice of the other posters. Do not answer calls in the middle of the night, reclaim your free time.

Ellie2008

OP I had to reply because I was your friend in college, I had my heart broken & I lost the plot! Many years later I count myself lucky to still have those friends. There was a protracted period where I could talk of nothing else except my break-up, my exam stress etc. And I mean nothing else barely a "how are you" to my friends who listened to me for hours, offered advice which I ignored and then had to deal with me again when there was fallout from my not dealing with the advice.

More recently I had other issues and I regressed to my old behaviour with friends though thankfully not to quite the same extent.

I'm wired that when something goes wrong I need to speak to someone about it often immediately!

I've gotten a lot better re friends but even back in the day when I was at my peak of upset I don't think I would have called someone at 2am.

It's a horrible situation. I understand why people are telling you not to chase her but it's not as black and white as that. I really feel for you being sucked into all of this & I feel for her as being upset enough to call someone at 2an must be horrible. I suppose I just wanted to empathise rather than advise. You sound like a great person she's lucky to have you.

Mrs Woman

Hi OP,

I'm glad you've had a few days break from her and if you notice your happiness and peace levels going up then this must tell you that a bit of distance is whats needed for you and your wellbeing. Your wellbeing has to be way more important to you than everyone elses. We think we are somehow selfish if we are not giving our all to others but this is not so. We have nothing to give if we are not ok ourselves.


You absolutely don't have to fall our with this girl and you can still be friends but take that step back. Don't run after her and by the way if you are pouring out your heart to someone and giving your all then its not ok for them to reply with 'that's bullwhatever'. You get what you put up with OP and I think you are worthy of people treating you with a little respoect and kindness too so you've got to show them how to treat you by respecting and being kind to yourself.

LynnGrace

A big '+1' to everything that Mrs W said.

Take time out, look after your own well being. Nobody can continuously take the level of responsibility you have been unselfishly taking, for another person's well being.