Anyone have this problem with straight friends?

Wofiegirl

I'm a gay female and have a straight female friend who I have known since I was 11 (18 years). When I first came out to her she seemed supportive. My relationship was rocky at the time and I would often confide in her and ask for advice, so it kind of painted a bad picture for her. A few months later my relationship was more solid and we were hanging out and she says "I know this guy who works at Starbucks and I really think you should meet him, I think you would be a good match for each other!" I was completely speechless because I had come out to her just a few months prior and was IN a relationship!!! I blew it off saying no I'm good...then another time we were hanging out she basically said something along the lines of "yeah I mean it never worked out with guys for you so it makes sense you'd try dating a girl"...she says things that basically dismiss me actually being gay, as if it's a phase or something. I try to not show that I'm offended but I am. Lastly, an incident happened where she invited me to go bowling with a group of friends. I asked if I could bring my partner and she said no significant others were coming, she just wanted old fiends to hang out. I get there and there are two other couples (with their significant others). I feel like she was just embarrassed for her friends to see that I'm with a woman.

Anyway..just wanted to see if anyone else has these kinds of things happen? I literally have NO other friends besides her but I'm contemplating ending the friendship. Advice?

learn_more

The first thing is, end the relationship.

Secondly, I have one member of my family who is passive/aggressive towards my sexuality. I know exactly where your coming from. I have little to do with her nowadays. Every one of my other siblings of which I have 6 have never given me grief about it. Or made any pointed remarks.

Thirdly. She is not your friend if she talks to you like that. I'd rather have no friends that have someone make remarks like that.

I know it might seem harsh and easy to say 'end the relationship' but I think this relationship is causing you more harm than good.

If you are living in the country and feel isolated then maybe it would be worth joining some gay social groups. I met a gaggle of lesbians in my local bar the other day and had great craic with them.

Anyway, nothing worse than having a so called friend that insults you. That's rotten actually.

HistoryMania

I can't say anymore than the above poster.

These are some of the things that stop me from coming out. I am 27.

Peregrinus

This leaps out:

Wofiegirl wrote: »

. . . I try to not show that I'm offended but I am . . .

Stop trying. I think she needs to understand that you're offended.

I don't mean "have a blazing row with her". But she's your friend - one of your closest friends. It should be possible to have an honest conversation with her. And she should care about how you feel.

So I think you need to have a conversation with her in which you tell her that you don't feel she accepts you for who you are, and that this upsets and saddens you.

JupiterKid

A friend who only accepts you on a conditional basis is not a real friend at all. I would give your "friend" one final chance and have an honest, frank conversation with her about how her attitude is hurting you. If she persists in discriminating against you because of your sexuality, cut her out of your life.

Plus, having only one good friend is not healthy. You should have a circle of close friends. I'd suggest you join activity groups as a start.

learn_more

Peregrinus wrote: »

This leaps out:


Stop trying. I think she needs to understand that you're offended.

I don't mean "have a blazing row with her". But she's your friend - one of your closest friends. It should be possible to have an honest conversation with her. And she should care about how you feel.

So I think you need to have a conversation with her in which you tell her that you don't feel she accepts you for who you are, and that this upsets and saddens you.

I can't believe you just said that. Holy smoke.

Advbrd

learn_more wrote: »

I can't believe you just said that. Holy smoke.

I can't see why not. It is good advice.

learn_more

There is nothing wrong with dumping friends. I did it twice in my life, it was sad I had to do so, but I certainly don't regret it.

I look at it philosophically and say it was good while it lasted, but the relationship was probably not going to grow much further after whatever differences or grievances you have with each other.

I have to say, someone insulting your sexuality is something I don't think you can recover from.

I couldn't disagree more with Peregrinus. To have a discussion with a so called friend to tell them .....oh never mind. How absurd is his suggestion.

learn_more

Advbrd wrote: »

I can't see why not. It is good advice.

You are stalking me. Get lost.

Edit: You also have multiple concurrent active accounts. It's easy to pick them out when they all talk the same garbage.

BrianG23

Ditching a friend of 18 years without actually discussing the issue is childish imo and its the type of behavior that leads you to having no friends at all. Stop running away from the issue and confront it? If confronting it fails, then do as you please.

You can't have been friends for 18 years without having good times together and yes she is stupid for being that way, so HELP HER UNDERSTAND why she is wrong. If she dismisses it, bring up why you think shes like that. Get angry. Stop being a pussy!

Really, if you are left speechless by something, thats the time to speak up about it. Not pretend it doesn't bother you.

Simply put, if she wants to remain friends with you she has to accept you as you are. This is the condition YOU HAVE TO SET. Her reaction, the following days or weeks, will tell you if she really values you or not. Which is the only real important thing.

learn_more

BrianG23 wrote: »

Ditching a friend of 18 years without actually discussing the issue is childish imo and its the type of behavior that leads you to having no friends at all. Stop running away from the issue and confront it? If confronting it fails, then do as you please.

You can't have been friends for 18 years without having good times together and yes she is stupid for being that way, so HELP HER UNDERSTAND why she is wrong. If she dismisses it, bring up why you think shes like that. Get angry. Stop being a pussy!

Really, if you are left speechless by something, thats the time to speak up about it. Not pretend it doesn't bother you.

I'm totally appalled by this point of view.

The 18 year thing works the other way around too you know.

How S**t it is of you to suggest the OP is somehow at fault.

The fact she's got no friends other than this person is completely beside the point.

To suggest that she will end up with no friends at all for not confronting her about the issue, is frankly, seriously warped psychology.

This idea that the OP can somehow 'correct' the friend.

OP, if you have a friend that invites you to a bowling allay and stipulates that only 'old friends are invited', then I think that's a fairly good indication that your friend has some homophobic tendencies.

She clearly doesn't , or ever, will accept your sexuality. For ppl to suggest that you can somehow correct that if laughable.

BrianG23

learn_more wrote: »

I'm totally appalled by this point of view.

The 18 year thing works the other way around too you know.

How S**t it is of you to suggest the OP is somehow at fault.

The fact she's got no friends other than this person is completely beside the point.

To suggest that she will end up with no friends at all for not confronting her about the issue, is frankly, seriously warped psychology.

This idea that the OP can somehow 'correct' the friend.

OP, if you have a friend that invites you to a bowling allay and stipulates that only 'old friends are invited', then I think that's a fairly good indication that your friend has some sociopathic tendencies.

She clearly doesn't , or ever, will accept your sexuality. For ppl to suggest that you can somehow correct that if laughable.

Did not say it was her fault, i'm saying she should confront friends. I did not even know that was her only friend. If you do not confront your closest friend when they are so clearly of a different opinion, they are NOT a close friend. Her friend clearly does not understand homosexuality. CLEARLY.

I'll put this forward, what if your parents are against homosexuality? You think you can't change their mind? You think if someone is against homosexuality, they can't be changed? Really? Some people don't realize how wrong they are till something slaps them in the face over it. This is whats called life experience and that is what friends are for.(Note: i'm not saying everyone can be changed).

Clearly doesn't or will accept is pretty broad considering OP has never even brought it up her issues with her friend. Do she even know she is making you feel this way OP? Does she know how selfish she is being?

I guarantee being a passive friend will lead you to having no friends. I would actually question the friendship at all in that case. The only way to check if she really values your friendship, is to confront her. IF she responds negatively, they go ahead, you know your answer.

Or ask yourself, why are you friends with her at all? For 18 years? Why?

Seriously. This is like ending a relationship without even having an argument in the first place. So unhealthy.

Annasopra

Learn_more if you cant post without being agressive then dont post in this thread again

learn_more

learn_more wrote: »

I couldn't disagree more with Peregrinus. To have a discussion with a so called friend to tell them .....oh never mind. How absurd is his suggestion.

Because you have not actually laid out what your issue with the advice is - it is not clear what has bothered you about it. Perhaps we can break that advice down and see which part particularly you have taken exception to.

It looks like the advice breaks down into two parts generally. So perhaps you can indictate which part your ire is focused on.

1) If a friend is having trouble understand who you are - then it should be possible to have an honest conversation with them about it

and

2) If someone a friend of yours is doing is consistently offending you - and hiding that offence is no longer working - then it is worth considering no longer hiding the fact that it is hurtful or offensive and to be more open about how it makes you feel.

So which part is the issue here? I certainly know that if _I_ was doing or saying something that was hurting or offending someone else - that I would want them to inform me of it. Not only - but especially - if that person considers me a friend.

Judging by the OPs words it seems like the options open at the moment are A) Lose the friendship or make an attempt to build a bridge between them and this friend and only _maybe_ lose the friendship.

And again just speaking for me - given the option between a path to certain loss of friendship and a path to a _maybe_ loss of friendship - I will take the maybe every time.

jobbridge4life

learn_more wrote: »

The first thing is, end the relationship.

Secondly, I have one member of my family who is passive/aggressive towards my sexuality. I know exactly where your coming from. I have little to do with her nowadays. Every one of my other siblings of which I have 6 have never given me grief about it. Or made any pointed remarks.

Thirdly. She is not your friend if she talks to you like that. I'd rather have no friends that have someone make remarks like that.

I know it might seem harsh and easy to say 'end the relationship' but I think this relationship is causing you more harm than good.

If you are living in the country and feel isolated then maybe it would be worth joining some gay social groups. I met a gaggle of lesbians in my local bar the other day and had great craic with them.

Anyway, nothing worse than having a so called friend that insults you. That's rotten actually.

While I understand the impulse to stand up for oneself and assert ones sexuality in an unashamed way I just can't agree that 'the first thing' is to end the friendship. To my mind that is the final option, the nuclear option if you will forgive a cliché.

Friendship, real true friendship, is one of life's most precious things. It is of such value that it is worth enduring some pain and awkwardness for, at least some of the time.

I think it also worth bearing in mind that we are talking about 18 year olds, and no offence to the OP or other young people (God, how my stomach churns and I hear my bones creak when I type that) but that matters. This isn't a case of two people well into adulthood who truly ought to know better, it is a situation with two people who are very young. While I'm not meaning to belittle the feelings, opinions or emotions of people of that age I think that the reality of being that age and the pressures and transience that goes along with it need to be considered.

To the OP, the first thing, as I see it, is that you never need to feel ashamed of who you are.

Taking that as our starting point we need to examine your situation, this is not a mere acquaintance, it is a good friend, and it is clear from your post that you are loathe to lose her but the situation is such that you are even considering that, that price might be worth paying.

Lets look at other options before taking the 'nuclear' root. Your friend is acting in a way that hurts you, to deal with this you have chosen to act in a way that minimizes conflict. Unfortunately OP I think we can conclude that this course of action is not producing the required results. A change of tack is therefore required.

I advise you not to end the friendship, at least not before you have tried an alternative approach. I think you need to try and talk to your friend honestly, and in as non-confrontational a setting as possible. Try and make her see what such statements and actions do to you, try and show her, in a way that she might understand personally, that she is making you feel as though she is trying to erase this aspect of who you are. Show her that while you are still the same person you always were, this new (to her) element was always there and is no more threatening or embarrassing than another friend having a boyfriend. Tell her that you, as her friend and as a person equal to anyone else, deserve the same respect, inclusion and consideration as anyone else.

I get the urge to lash out at those who don't respect our sexualities, that minimize our relationships, believe me I do. However, I think it behooves us all to remember the struggle we all felt coming to grips with ourselves. It can and often does take years and yes we have the right to expect our friends to accept us and love us all the same but we must realise that our friends are only human too. This is still relatively new to her and she may not be (and is not) acting in good way now but she can get there, and probably most quickly and effectively if you are there showing her your humanity.

Give this friendship a shot, give it another try with new tactics if she can't or won't meet you somewhere in the middle then it may well be time to call it quits, but at least give her the chance to realise her mistakes and and make amends. Personally I don't think there is any chance you will regret trying, you may find yourself wondering in a few years, 'what if?', if you don't.

Dial Hard

jobbridge4life wrote:

I think it also worth bearing in mind that we are talking about 18 year olds, and no offence to the OP or other young people (God, how my stomach churns and I hear my bones creak when I type that) but that matters. This isn't a case of two people well into adulthood who truly ought to know better, it is a situation with two people who are very young. While I'm not meaning to belittle the feelings, opinions or emotions of people of that age I think that the reality of being that age and the pressures and transience that goes along with it need to be considered.

I'm pretty sure the OP is 29. She said she's known the friend 18 years, since she eas 11.

jobbridge4life

Dial Hard wrote: »

I'm pretty sure the OP is 29. She said she's known the friend 18 years, since she eas 11.

ACK! I see you are right. Stupid misread on my part. Leaving aside the parts about age I still stand by the general thrust of my post. Amended and shortened to:

1. You don't have to be ashamed of you are.
2. Current course of action not working.
3. You still have more options than just a. put-up or b. quit.
4. Give her a chance to hear how you are feeling, yes she maybe could be expected to act better, but this is all relatively new to her. We all can sometimes react poorly at first and come to be all the better in the end for it.
...
5. Peace, love and careful reading to all.;)

Banbha32

HistoryMania wrote: »

I can't say anymore than the above poster.

These are some of the things that stop me from coming out. I am 27.

Historymania, I know exactly how you feel. I only came out just over a year ago at the ripe old age of 28. Its never too late. I think its common in people of our generation to come out a little later. We are late 80's/90s babies when Ireland just wasnt ready for us to be gay yet but thankfully its changed a lot recently. If you feel comfortable on making a thread of your own for advice im sure plenty of people will help.

All of us on this forum are LGBT and have all been there. I used love reading the coming out stories myself (for years!!!) to help me accept who i am and move towards building the courage to just bite the bullet and do it. As far as i am aware, the genius behind boards came out himself not too long ago. And he probably has no idea of the platform he has created for me and you to do the same. Take care

RagsOBrien

I can relate OP. Your friend still mentioning guys that would be a 'match' for you don't necessarily indicate homophobia. Perhaps, if you have only recently come out to her and she previously thought you were straight due to only dating men, she is struggling to let go of the person she thought you were.

She may accept that you are now in a relationship with a woman but maybe feels due to your previous relationship history, that you might be open to dating men again. I say this, as I've had similar experiences with my own close friends only they tend to be tactful about how they word things.

However, not allowing you to invite your girlfriend to a get together that clearly included invites to the partners of the heterosexual couples, is not cool. That looks like she is uncomfortable on some level with having a same sex couple mingle in her company.

Has she hung out socially alone or with others with you and your girlfriend before?

I wouldn't immediately terminate the friendship but this is bothering you and as she is a close friend, I would bring it up in a non-accusatory manner and just try and get some explanation from her. If she doesn't want to discuss it or this behaviour continues, then you should seriously consider if you want her as a friend or not.