Friend is so inconsiderate

LegacyUser

A friend who I have known for some time (only through a mutual friend) contacted me last summer to organise nights out together so we started a weekly thing where we would go out drinking.

This person seems to be obsessed with drinking and every meet up seems to revolve around drink. At first it was fun but now I literally cannot cope. I have a chronic illness that can be made much worse by drinking so I tend to only have a few drinks once a week. My illness has gotten much worse over winter (which is typical for this illness) so I haven't been seeing my friend as much. They are just not getting it at all. I am so sick of trying to explain myself (which I shouldn't have to imo) and they just constantly ask if I want to go to the pub and it's really making me resent them because of their ignorance.

They know someone with the same illness as me and they were told by this person that alcohol doesn't affect them. So my friend now seems to think that I should be the same. Every person is different and I have had this illness 5 years and I KNOW what makes it worse, I know myself that booze makes it worse.

It's at the stage where I am really sick of this person, they show no consideration or understanding for what I am going through. This illness affects my mental health quite badly, also leaves me very fatigued in the evenings so I mostly only make plans for the weekend and rest during the week. It's quite clear to me that I'm not suited to this person as a friend and they just don't seem to be getting it. I feel so p!ssed off that I have to keep explaining myself, it makes me feel worse about the incurable illness that I have

Just this week I met with my consultant who said that they will be putting me on meds and I absolutely CANNOT drink at all while I'm on them. Which I am 100% happy with, alcohol doesn't mean a whole lot to me so I would be happy to give it up. When I told my friend this, all they said was "so we aren't going out tomorrow then?" I just feel like I am fighting a losing battle here with someone who has no self awareness at all about others. Does it not seem like really selfish behaviour? This person doesn't have many other friends so it just feels like I am being used as a drinking buddy.

I just don't know how to proceed from here.

TheBlock

Go out, Don't Drink.

LegacyUser

TheBlock wrote: »

Go out, Don't Drink.

While I would love if it was as easy as the above, it's just not possible with this person. They get absolutely hammered drunk everytime we go out. We went on a weekend trip away and they fecked off with a F Buddy both nights and left me on my own in a foreign country that I have never been to before.

Xterminator

OP this guy seems to be the definition of a drinking buddy.

If thats the only activity you share, and you longer wish to join them, just tell him straight out, im not going to the pub for health reasons, please dont ask me.

But are you expecting him to change his habits and go to other non pub activities? you wouldnt want to be holding your breath for that to happen.

.......

This post has been deleted.

Big Bag of Chips

"I don't want to". "I'm busy". "I can't". "I'm not around". All acceptable answers to "Are you coming out this week?"

You are the one going in to detail. Your friend isn't sick. And when you haven't experienced something, it's difficult to appreciate it's full affects. And if your friend knows someone with the same condition who is in better shape, they might just think you're making a deal out of it.

So, say no..no explanations, go and don't drink, or ignore calls.

"No, I'm not going near a pub. I can't drink anymore anyway. Any other suggestions for a night out?"

If they say no, then that's their decision.

Don't explain yourself, you've enough on your plate and you need to look after yourself. Your friend is what my gran calls a fair weather friend, they're only there for the good times.

retro:electro

Op I've had a friend like that before. I was their drinking buddy and I got tired of that lifestyle quite quickly. I found when the going out messages came, replying "I'm not really up for going out drinking but let me know if you'd like to go to the cinema instead" usually did the trick. She quickly stopped asking me as she was only interested in going out boozing and there was no substance to the "friendship".

Emme

If your friend refuses to understand you can't drink you need to get new friends. Join a social club that doesn't revolve around drinking.

Here's a link to a meetup group for people who don't drink.
https://www.meetup.com/soberslice/

Airyfairy12

I am so done OP wrote: »

While I would love if it was as easy as the above, it's just not possible with this person. They get absolutely hammered drunk everytime we go out. We went on a weekend trip away and they fecked off with a F Buddy both nights and left me on my own in a foreign country that I have never been to before.

This isnt a friend! Anyone who leaves you alone while out to go F somebody should be deleted and blocked from your life. She's only interested in someone to go drinking with, which is fine if thats the kind of friendship shes after but its clear that youve got different wants and needs. You cant change her, her priorities alcohol. Maybe the fact that she doesnt have many other friends means that getting drunk gives her the opportunity to try and socialise and meet other people.

If you really want to keep in touch with her could you suggest other activities to do? invite her along with your other friends to go see a movie or go for coffee? that way she'll feel like she's meeting other people and potentially make more friends?

Pawwed Rig

Ask him if he wants to go to a movie or something else. Why is it up to him to make plans?
A decent compromise might be a comedy club

Emme

There are lots of good suggestions on here but I think this person is only interested in going drinking with the OP. I suspect all other ideas will be rejected.

Going off with a one night stand/F buddy/whatever on a weekend away in an unfamiliar place and leaving the OP alone was selfish and not the behaviour of a friend. What if the OP had a medical emergency? Would this person have left them there?

I suggest the OP phases this person out. Refuse to go drinking. Only agree to meet if it's for a coffee or the cinema. If they want to go drinking after the cinema let them, you go home and leave them to it.

Most important, make new friends who are interested in activities other than drinking. If you're lucky enough to live near a meetup group that might help you.

Rubberchikken

if the only time you meet up with this person is to drink, then i think describing them as a friend is wrong. a friend wouldn't make a person feel they had to drink with them, a friend would actually listen and understand that their friend doesn't want to continue going to pubs.
the advice given above is great. stop texting/answering calls. this person needs to sort out their issue and you deserve a good friend.
good luck

Wanderer78

Move on, not a true friend

SNNUS

When you are in your 30's you won't even think about it and just cut them out of your life if all they care about is using you as a drinking buddy..

The_Conductor

Seriously- they were a friend of a friend- they're not even a close link.
Just block their phone number on your phone and forget about them.
They are a head wreck.
I've a long term illness and can't drink more than a single drink- so when I go out for 'a drink' its 'a drink' singular. It does not mean I'm the designated driver and it does not mean I'm being some sort of a spoil sport. I cannot drink more than one drink- or I'll end up with internal bleeding. Some friends understand this- and are supportive- and if they want to meetup with me- are as happy having a coffee and natter- and are happy to meet me in this manner. The others- well- I've blocked them, and I don't regret blocking them.

This guy is not your friend- he wants someone familiar to go boozing with- if his life revolves around drink- so be it, yours does not- therefore, it is both unfair and unreasonable of him to try and mould you to his purposes.

Move on- he is no friend.

LegacyUser

Really grateful for all the replies, thank you all for taking the time to give me advice.

I purposely left out our genders in the OP but we are both female. I'm 30 and she's 4 years younger so it probably would explain her party attitude and me not so much because I've done all that in my 20s and I know there's much more to life than getting pissed every weekend. The trip away really annoyed me, she had planned to meet up with a guy she met before we even went so I felt used. That's all I ever feel with her, like I'm just some sort of wing woman. I'm going to suggest other activities and see how she reacts although I did that last night, I suggested going for a meal because I can't drink and she didn't respond. So I think I already have my answer!

I have other friends so I'm fine in that regard, she gets really jealous when I go out with them. I've kept her separate from my other friends and I'm glad I did, I don't think I respect or trust her enough to allow her get to know my other friends. It's time to call it a day I think. It was one of those friendships where she seemed to think it was like a relationship, she was super controlling with me and when I called her out on it she plays the "poor me" card and starts crying. I'm done!

Emme

I am so done OP wrote: »

I'm done!

Good for you. This woman sounds like a nightmare and the guy she met is just as bad. He mustn't care much for her because otherwise he would have travelled to see here. Here's a link you might find interesting, scroll down for a gif you might really identify with:

https://www.bustle.com/articles/127388-the-one-sign-your-friends-a-narcissist