Clingy friend

LegacyUser

I've been friends with a girl about 4 months, maybe a bit less. We knew each other through mutual friends but only properly hung out/got to know each other these past few months.

We clicked and got on great and spent some time together, going for coffee, seeing movies, etc.

Then over the Christmas I was very busy (as were most people), and she asked several times to meet up. I explained I had no free time but would definitely be in contact once I'm free. She is still txting now and asking and it's awkward for me to keep saying no but I genuinely haven't got the time. I have stuff going on in my personal life and I've barely got time for myself let alone someone else right now.

I explained this but the txts I'm getting now are starting to get slightly passive aggressive. At this point I decided not to respond and got a txt saying "What did I do to piss you off? I miss you."

If this was a friend of 10 years that's one thing but I've known her only a few months and I feel smothered. What should I do? She is a lovely girl and I don't want to hurt her but she is seriously beginning to push me away.

Mr. Incognito

Unless you are Lex Luther and running an evil empire I dont see why you cant meet someone you are dating for a coffee in a month?

I certainly wouldnt be accepting that excuse

Walter H Price

OP just be honest reply and say she has honestly done nothing to piss you off your just having a manic few weeks .

Could you even invite her over to your place or something some evening if you don't have time to go out or that. i travel allot for work and stuff so i get how you can end up manic from time to time i have a group of mates were all quite close but havn't met up for a few weeks now since just before Christmas because there was so much on then i was away for a week with my Fiancee and that.

One of the lads can get a bit like this stroppy if we haven't met up for a few weeks i don't have time this weekend or next but im having him come over for dinner and a few beers next Tuesday, id be cooking in the evening anyway so its an easy one.

Big Bag of Chips

They're not dating!!

I've had clingy friends like that too, OP. And they're exhausting. And usually the friendship is short lived and very intense. You've only started hanging out together in the last few months, what did she do before that? Where are the friends gone that she had before you? Much the same way as you, I'd imagine.

Our time can be precious enough, and if things are tough you want to spend time with someone you can relax with, no someone who you feel you're on call for. I know the type of person.

There's those cheesy Facebook memes always on the go about how a true friend mightn't see you for months, and just carry on where you left off. I have friends who for various reasons we might not get to meet up for weeks/months. And there's none of this "oh, did I do something wrong". These people are usually people who have their own families and lives and interests and realise that sometimes things aren't going to work out to meet up. People like your friend tend to not have that many other friends or interests, and so everything is pinned on you.

I'd meet up with her when you can, but don't make apologies for having another life! If she's becoming too much for you, I'd just let the friendship drift off... She's not going to change.

Mr Whom

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

Unless you are Lex Luther and running an evil empire I dont see why you cant meet someone you are dating for a coffee in a month?

I certainly wouldnt be accepting that excuse

Who's dating???

retro:electro

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

Unless you are Lex Luther and running an evil empire I dont see why you cant meet someone you are dating for a coffee in a month?

I certainly wouldnt be accepting that excuse

I think you need to read the OP again.

batmanrobin

Perhaps send her another text and explain again that you're just really tied up at the moment.

If one of us suggest a meet up for the group, we usually do it several weeks in advance. E.g., you could suggest a date four weeks from now? Is your schedule fully booked a month - 6 weeks from now?

Aidia

I've had a clingy friend like this a few months ago.  There had always been constant messages to which I don't like but tried to go along with it. It was all through Whats App too so if she saw I had seen the messages then she would chase it up straight away if I hadn't responded. I remember a time where I went to dinner and cinema with a mutual friend (clingy friend had been invited but couldn't make it) and she kept constantly texting me (even though she tells everyone it's rude to text when you're with people) so I put away the phone, had my dinner and went to the cinema. Came out from the cinema and must have been 2/3 messages waiting with the last saying how useless I was to responding to messages. 

The time above was more or less the final straw for me as shortly after I was going through things and really needed time to myself to get myself together and not be replying to constant messages which I said straight up to her (I do also think this was stressing me out a bit too which didn't help matters). Still didn't get it, kept messaging me constantly, turned off receipts for Whats App which annoyed her even more as now she couldn't see if I got the messages. Eventually just said straight out I can't deal with this constant messages I didn't want to be friends anymore.

It might sound harsh to other people but I cannot deal with clingy friends like this who need constant re-assurance from me (this one also wouldn't be happy if I made plans with another mutual friend without her) - as others have said we're friends not in a relationship. Like OP I had only been friends with her for maybe 6-12 months so it's not as if we were friends for years. 

OP I know you've said that you've told her how busy you are but could you even plan something in the future for when you are quiet? The only other alternative is cut your losses and the friendship but that's up for you to decide if you want to do that or not. If I wasn't in a different country I would think it's the same girl as those messages sound very familiar so I feel your pain!

LegacyUser

Friendproblem wrote: »

I've been friends with a girl about 4 months, maybe a bit less. We knew each other through mutual friends but only properly hung out/got to know each other these past few months.

We clicked and got on great and spent some time together, going for coffee, seeing movies, etc.

Then over the Christmas I was very busy (as were most people), and she asked several times to meet up. I explained I had no free time but would definitely be in contact once I'm free. She is still txting now and asking and it's awkward for me to keep saying no but I genuinely haven't got the time. I have stuff going on in my personal life and I've barely got time for myself let alone someone else right now.

I explained this but the txts I'm getting now are starting to get slightly passive aggressive. At this point I decided not to respond and got a txt saying "What did I do to piss you off? I miss you."

If this was a friend of 10 years that's one thing but I've known her only a few months and I feel smothered. What should I do? She is a lovely girl and I don't want to hurt her but she is seriously beginning to push me away.

You say that you got on great and did lots of social stuff together. So presumably you talked a lot and were quite close? You're writing a post about it in PI so presumably there was some depth to the friendship, otherwise you would just write itoff?

If this is true, you've had 4 months of a decent friendship forming and then Christmas comes and you can't meet up with her? With these types of friendships you will always find that an intense or close friendship starts and then one party tries boxing it into the category of a normal friendship and the other party starts wondering what the fook happened for the trail to have gone cold all of a sudden. With normal friendships things will naturally fall into their place and will take their shape, but these intense friendships are different.

I was involved in a friendship where Id say I was described as the clingy one. In reality I'm not clingy at all. I'm very relaxed in a friendship and in fact I get hassle from my friends for not texting back. However I developed this friendship. Initially the texts from him were intense and I was like 'back off bro'. He would use language like 'you're my friend now I'll look after you' or if I wasn't around for a while I'd get a 'you ok hun ', message. Initially I was the one who kept back. However eventually I started believing that maybe it was a decent friendship and I got caught up in it. It seems as soon as that happened things started going pearshaped and he started distancing himself. One thing I hate is being used. And that's how I felt. He wanted this unique intense relationship, used all the right language to get it and as soon as he had it he started pulling away. So I would have sent the messages like, what's going on you're becoming distant etc. Stuff that I'm totally mortified about now, but at the time, you're head is in such a whirlwind trying to figure out wtf just happened. Not only that but that he messages became all about him. Anything about me was one or two lines anything about him he could talk for hours lol. Then one day I got this god awful message from him. It was so embarrassing. All about how I was smothering him and how clingy I was and I was thinking wtf. ..This is the friendship you wanted! This is what you forged and you are as guilty for the intensity as I am!

Anyhow things went pretty much downhill after that and we're no longer friends. Losing the friendship was the best thing that ever happened to me. I'm not the crazy clingy friend that friendship turned me into, it was just a wrong friendship that started off on a wrong base and it didn't suit me at all.

So in short lol, the clingy friend may have a reason for acting how they do, if there's an element of closeness to it and then one party starts pulling away. These types of friendships never survive, they will never evolve into a normal friendship because one party will feel used and that will turn into bitterness eventually. It's in everyone's best interest to say see ya.

Just my two cents