To try councilling or move on?

YellowMoon

So I'm posting here as a last resort and I'll try and make this as brief and clear as possible.
I've been with my current partner for over 10 years now,in that time we have had 3 kids and got our own home so really quite settled.

Our last child is less than a year old and in that time our relationship has really not been good. I was diagnosed with pnd & anxiety following health problems with baby so this last few months have been tough on us but I don't know if it excuses some behaviours. I'm not saying I'm innocent in all this but I'm beginning to think he's only here because he's nowhere else to go.

He seems to have no interest in us or the kids,I try to initiate conversation but unless it's his interests then he doesn't really part take. I'm dealing with all kids and house work which is a major issue as I'm struggling to cope but again his suggestion is other than leave work he cant help. Another example is tonight after being our for an hour I come home try to talk about general chit chat,he turns around with a face like thunder,I ask what's wrong and he says he's grumpy with everything,I said fine and walk away then he turns it into my fault so saying no wonder I'm grumpy,why don't you just say what you want now?! I honestly don't know if it's worth fighting for,this is only a few examples of things that's going on! I am trying but it's like talking to a wall. Does it sound like it's time to call it quits?

Dial Hard

Is this only since the last baby? If everything was great up until then, then I would definitely say that counselling is well worth a try.

If he's actually always been like this, though, and you're only noticing it now since you've needed a bit more support due to the PND, then I'd question whether or not he can or will change his ways.

Hand on heart, how was your relationship before this baby?

Xterminator

Hi OP

it would be my opinion that you need to consider thee children in your decisions too. So of course you should try counselling before giving up on the relationship.

I get the sense your have been beaten down by the situation and don't have any fight left in you. Also there is a chance your partner wouldnt go to or engage in counselling. However i would leave no stone unturned before calling it quits.

I personally would consider speaking to his family too, if an intervention is needed. Perhaps he needs to hear it from someone who isnt you. But he needs to change his ways, and perhaps you need to change your behaviours too, if you are to improve your relationship.

Its not always possible to save relationships; but if you have tried everything, you wont reproach yourself later, with what if's.

Loveinapril

Xterminator wrote: »

I personally would consider speaking to his family too, if an intervention is needed. Perhaps he needs to hear it from someone who isnt you. But he needs to change his ways, and perhaps you need to change your behaviours too, if you are to improve your relationship.

I would strongly advise against this. He is a grown man. His relationship is not his family's business or responsibility. You have no idea of his family dynamic either so it is an inappropriate thing to advise.

OP, can you get the kids babysat one night? Ask him can you speak with him on X night and arrange for the kids to get minded. It will give you time to discuss things without worrying about distractions. Simply say what you have said here. "I feel our relationship is strained since X was born. I would like to work on it. What do you think? How do you feel etc.?". Be clear that continuing as you are is not an option.

YellowMoon

We've had our ups and downs before 3rd child but no,this is the worst we've been. I need some support now more than ever before and he just doesnt see it. I'm sure it's difficult living with someone with mental health issues but I am getting help and trying my best but it doesnt hurt to maybe ask how I am or just be there in general.
I sometimes feel like he's trying to make things more difficult as I mentioned before I was out awhile child free because I had a bad day with them,came home and he started saying he was grumpy?it's honestly not what I need.
Another issue is the intimacy,he will only kiss/hug when he wants sex and will huff when I refuse,like really get in a foul mood. This was a huge problem for awhile but I tried to make more an effort so he's happier :-/ it's difficult though when the kids are literally needing every single minute of my day!
Also as pp has mentioned,his family is a no go! He doesn't have many around but they don't have much contact with us so I'd never turn to them and more than likely they would take his side.
I have mentioned counselling more than once but it turned on a dead end,"what's it going to achieve" etc so I'm not sure if he's set on the idea or not. I am anxious about it myself but we've had a great relationship before so I dont want to walk away but maybe he's just changed,I'm not sure. 10 years is a long time and a lot has happened,maybe we've grown apart

Loveinapril

I am so sorry you are going through this. It must be so hard to live with such a lack of compassion and intimacy. Is he aware that it has gotten to this point, where you are considering ending the relationship? Or is he 'happy' just plodding along? Maybe you should be very clear when conversing with him. Counselling may help save the relationship but if you don't do anything it is likely to end.