Boyfriend went on holiday without telling me

LegacyUser

My boyfriend went and is still on holidays. HE DIDN'T TELL ME HE WAS GOING!! I was obviously upset, but now he's acting like I'm overreacting and have no reason to be upset. He left Christmas week and was already gone a few days before he told me and he's not due back for another week. I know I'm not overreacting and I guess I'm looking for reassurance that I'm not in the wrong. Thanks in advance for any comments/advice.

elefant

Upset and confused wrote: »

My boyfriend went and is still on holidays. HE DIDN'T TELL ME HE WAS GOING!! I was obviously upset, but now he's acting like I'm overreacting and have no reason to be upset. He left Christmas week and was already gone a few days before he told me and he's not due back for another week. I know I'm not overreacting and I guess I'm looking for reassurance that I'm not in the wrong. Thanks in advance for any comments/advice.

You're not overreacting, and you're definitely not in the wrong!

Big Bag of Chips

How long are you going out with him? A 3 week holiday and not to even mention it to you? Did he think you just wouldn't notice? Is he usually so petulant? Is he childish and selfish in daily life?

I don't think the holiday itself is your issue. It's the fact that he never even mentioned it? Strange carry on, and makes it seem like your just an 'incidental' in his life. I'm sure he mentioned it to other friends? Family members? Why specifically and deliberately not tell you?

silverharp

the OP doesn't really make sense, there must be some information missing? assuming the holiday was booked in advance you are not telling me you had a bunch of conversations about what your were all doing over xmas and it didn't come up?

Gavinz

silverharp wrote: »

the OP doesn't really make sense, there must be some information missing? assuming the holiday was booked in advance you are not telling me you had a bunch of conversations about what your were all doing over xmas and it didn't come up?

The OP makes perfect sense.

yermandan

Gavinz wrote: »

The OP makes perfect sense.

It really depends how long they have been together

Zaph

silverharp wrote: »

the OP doesn't really make sense, there must be some information missing? assuming the holiday was booked in advance you are not telling me you had a bunch of conversations about what your were all doing over xmas and it didn't come up?

Well clearly it didn't or this thread wouldn't exist.

As far as the OP is concerned, regardless of how long they're going out, I would suggest that she now has an ex-boyfriend. That behaviour is completely unacceptable and if he takes her for granted so much that he wouldn't mention a three week holiday, then clearly he doesn't think a lot of her or believe she's an important part of his life.

silverharp

Zaph wrote: »

Well clearly it didn't or this thread wouldn't exist.

Im not disputing the facts but let me put it this way, I find it highly improbable that this would happen if 2 adults are in an exclusive relationship for a reasonable amount of time and they meet up on a regular basis, if it is indeed a regular relationship then its a message that he is moving on.

Zaph

silverharp wrote: »

Im not disputing the facts but let me put it this way, I find it highly improbable that this would happen if 2 adults are in an exclusive relationship for a reasonable amount of time and they meet up on a regular basis, if it is indeed a regular relationship then its a message that he is moving on.

Even if it's only a new/casual relationship, there's a stunning lack of respect on the part of the boyfriend in not mentioning that he was going away for so long. It's not as if he's off on a last-minute weekend bender with the lads, you don't just plan and book a three week holiday the day before you go. And to only tell his girlfriend that he's on holidays a few days into the holiday is pretty crappy. If he didn't want her to go he could have told her he was going away on a lads-only holiday or whatever, but at least she wouldn't be finding out when he's already away.

ted1

OP I think you know have an Ex-boyfriend.

Is he Irish or is his holiday back to his home country?

tara73

that's pretty strange. how are you communication wise in your relationship? It would be even weirder if your relationship is good and you communicate well normally.
There are many possibilities here why he did this, you gave us very little info OP, so hard to tell you something...

colmdel

This is very strange indeed OP, he is showing a stunning lack of respect for you. Were you both in contact while he was away before he told you he was on hols?

Mr. Incognito

Sounds like he is hiding something.

This could be something like a trip to hospital for example or a genuine holiday with parties he doesnt want you to know about.

Its not so much the "holiday" as the fact he is attempting to minimise it.

I suggest you go on permanent holiday from him.

redfox123

Is this a committed close relationship or has he been stringing you along and just doing his own thing, not making any effort with you and you're doing all the stuff for your relationship? Do you think he'd rather be single and is waiting for you to end it but won't admit that to you? More info on your relationship is needed to understand this at all. Could be he's distancing himself enough so you'll get the message, not give him hassle and he doesn't have to do the whole breaking up thing. Don't hang onto him when he's treating you like this.

Big Bag of Chips

Yep, it sounds like he's trying to get you to break up with him.

mapaca

No, you are not over-reacting, the fact that he is turning it around on you and making out that YOU are the unreasonable one speaks volumes.

I can't think of a good reason why someone wouldn't tell their partner they were going away for three whole weeks, and over Christmas too! Unless he is an international spy or something. A trip like that takes planning.

Sorry OP, but I would be questioning whether he is really committed to you at all.

LegacyUser

OP here, thanks so much for the replies, it really helped. Just letting everyone know I broke up with him. He could seem to comprehend that what he did wasn't okay. So that's that, I'm clearly better off without him. Thanks again guys.

daithi7

mapaca wrote: »

No, you are not over-reacting, the fact that he is turning it around on you and making out that YOU are the unreasonable one speaks volumes.

I can't think of a good reason why someone wouldn't tell their partner they were going away for three whole weeks, and over Christmas too! Unless he is an international spy or something. A trip like that takes planning.

Sorry OP, but I would be questioning whether he is really committed to you at all.

It could be a multitude of things:

1.He wants out& he wants you to end it
2.He thought you might object to the holiday so he just booked it and went without consultation (have you objected to him heading off before?)
3. A medical thing
4. A family thing
5. A personal business thing e.g. dying relation, will, whatever
6. He's off with another date/gf
7. He's just a very independent weirdo.
8. Other

Most likely imho, are 1,2, 4 or 7. Unless the reason is a really reasonable personal reason e.g. health/home/family/personal business I think you need a new bf OP.

My advice is to put the ball well into his court and let him off, you're probably(way) better off anyway.

lawred2

Upset and confused wrote: »

My boyfriend went and is still on holidays. HE DIDN'T TELL ME HE WAS GOING!! I was obviously upset, but now he's acting like I'm overreacting and have no reason to be upset. He left Christmas week and was already gone a few days before he told me and he's not due back for another week. I know I'm not overreacting and I guess I'm looking for reassurance that I'm not in the wrong. Thanks in advance for any comments/advice.

He sounds like a knob. Dump him.

lawred2

Or you think you're in a relationship with him and he sees you as only a bit of easy.. Maybe he doesn't regard you two as being in a relationship at all.

You'll probably need to provide some context.

Ursus Horribilis

Upset and confused wrote: »

OP here, thanks so much for the replies, it really helped. Just letting everyone know I broke up with him. He could seem to comprehend that what he did wasn't okay. So that's that, I'm clearly better off without him. Thanks again guys.

Thanks for coming back to let us know what happened It's not obligatory but it's nice when someone takes the time to give us the update. I hope you meet someone else soon who'll treat you with much more respect and decency.

4976340

What is your age range, how long are you a couple, is this unusual behaviour for him?
Can you easily find a replacement, it sounds like you need one for sure. You should not accept that for one minute, so to reassure you as you asked for you are completely right and it sounds like he is just not that into you to behave like that.
Is he married?

Ursus Horribilis

4976340 wrote: »

What is your age range, how long are you a couple, is this unusual behaviour for him?
Can you easily find a replacement, it sounds like you need one for sure. You should not accept that for one minute, so to reassure you as you asked for you are completely right and it sounds like he is just not that into you to behave like that.
Is he married?

Eh?? She has ended the relationship.

amtc

I wish you luck Op. Sounds like a bullet dodged.

Years ago I went away without my ex....the ex was about something different...and we discussed it in detail. I was going on a girly holiday and it wouldn't be suitable. He was fine with this.

My mam is currently in Australia for three months and didn't tell my dad she was off. My dad's not too happy but gets her reasons as she's with my grandmother. I wasn't delighted about having to tell my dad. The point though is they are together for over 50 years. It suits them to do stuff separately.

But in a new relationship? No....

kunst nugget

amtc wrote: »

My mam is currently in Australia for three months and didn't tell my dad she was off. My dad's not too happy but gets her reasons as she's with my grandmother. I wasn't delighted about having to tell my dad. The point though is they are together for over 50 years. It suits them to do stuff separately.

But in a new relationship? No....

There's doing things separately and there's going off for 3 months without telling your husband and expecting your daughter to fill him in… That's insane.

Big Bag of Chips

amtc, are your parents separated? Like, living in separate houses? If not then how could your mother not have brought it up in conversation that she was going to Australia for 3 months? You don't live with them, so how come she was able to tell you, and not her husband? How did she pack a suitcase for 3 months without him seeing it? I think it more ridiculous that someone in a 50 year relationship would go away without telling their partner than somebody in a new relationship doing it.

Again I think you either have the wrong end of the stick, or you are doctoring your story to fit in with someone else's thread! It seems to be a pattern, that whatever issue a poster posts about, you have the same issue but magnified to outlandish proportions!!

dudara

@amtc - you have been warned previously to refrain from posting your personal stories. Please focus only on providing advice to the OP and do not bring your experiences into play.

This is a final warning.

dudara

santana75

Zaph wrote: »

As far as the OP is concerned, regardless of how long they're going out, I would suggest that she now has an ex-boyfriend. That behaviour is completely unacceptable and if he takes her for granted so much that he wouldn't mention a three week holiday, then clearly he doesn't think a lot of her or believe she's an important part of his life.

But sometimes you have to just go and do your own thing. Part of a couple yes, but still your own person. There could be so many variables we dont know about. Maybe he was in a rut, working in a job he didnt like, seeing the same people every day, doing the same things every week and he just had enough and decided to get out of town by himself for a bit. Theres nothing wrong with that and just because your dating someone it doesnt mean you're joined at the hip. Its not all about the OP, everyone accusing this guy of being selfish.......maybe he just needed to look after himself for a time.

ongarboy

santana75 wrote: »

But sometimes you have to just go and do your own thing. Part of a couple yes, but still your own person. There could be so many variables we dont know about. Maybe he was in a rut, working in a job he didnt like, seeing the same people every day, doing the same things every week and he just had enough and decided to get out of town by himself for a bit. Theres nothing wrong with that and just because your dating someone it doesnt mean you're joined at the hip. Its not all about the OP, everyone accusing this guy of being selfish.......maybe he just needed to look after himself for a time.

I agree with all of the above apart from your last sentence but all he needed to do was extend a basic common courtesy of letting his GF know in advance that he was going away for Christmas by himself, to get some space, it was a sudden urge, whatever etc. That doesn't involve having to join oneself at the hip to a partner. It's about communication, a fundamental ingredient for any happy relationship.

What he did and the fact he fails to see it as an issue was the dealbreaker and the OP has thankfully decided to end the relationship.