Elderly mother complains all the time

LegacyUser

I've kind of reached the end of my tether with this situation. I am a 41 year old unemployed man that lives at home with my parents. They are both in their early eighties. I have been unemployed for about a year (my profession is IT). Financially there are no problems as we live on a farm and there is money coming in from the lease of it.
My mother has a long history of imaginary illnesses. She complains about being "sick" on an almost daily basis. The worst time is first thing in the morning. There hasn't been a single morning in the last year that she hasn't come down the stairs saying how she didn't sleep for all hours and/or she has a headache or pain in some part of her body.
I just cannot understand how a person (albeit an elderly person) can be in poor health twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. She doesn't even seem to be aware of how ridiculous it must sound to others to be complaining so much. Totally self-absorbed.
The thing is she can't be that bad as she is able to do most things that she needs to get through the day (she can drive, she can cook, she can see fairly well, watch TV, read the newspapers etc.). She is a little deaf but that is to be expected.
Even when she doesn't complain she sits with her head down in an armchair with a miserable face on her and sometimes has her hand up to her face for added effect. Her negativity is bringing me down so much I can't stand it any more.
My sister is married with children and lives about an hours drive from us. She is much less tolerant of her than me. What p****s off my sister is that her husband's mother recently had bowel cancer and underwent a number of very serious operations. However she never complained once and was cheerful and upbeat through the whole thing. The contrast between her and my mother could not be greater.
I have always kind of prioritised my parents over myself because I suppose I feel sorry for them getting old and all that comes with it. To give you an example, my last job was a contract position that finished a year ago. My mother's brother got cancer just before the job finished and wasn't given long to live. The hospital he was in was too difficult for my mother to get to so I didn't look for a new job so I could stay at home and drive her to see him. I knew I would have a better chance of getting a job while I was still in a job or just after finishing one but I felt I had to stay at home until he died (which he did about two months later).
She doesn't do any housework so if she and my father are out for a few hours I have to clean the place while they are gone (I need the place to myself to do it properly). The best opportunity is when they go to Mass on a Saturday night so I can't go out that night usually.
It's not possible for me or my sister to confront her and tell her in a polite and gentle manner that she needs to be more positive as we know she would just go insane and accuse us of not caring about her etc. That would be the worst possible thing we could do, it would be like setting off a nuclear bomb. We have to watch what we say to her as saying the wrong thing could set her off.
I rang her doctor recently to discuss the situation but she is basically a complete bitch and just brushed me off. She couldn't care less, she is a horrible person. There is a chink of light there in that my mother is moving to a different doctor who I believe is a much better listener.
My unemployment is mainly because of geographical reasons;I don't want to move too far away from home as I have a couple of buddies that I've known for years and we go to matches in our locality together. I don't want to give that up as it is my one and only social outlet. I am hopeless at making new friends and I know I would be lonely in a town or city three or four hours away. There are also cats and a dog at home and I know if I wasn't there they would die of starvation as there is no way my parents would ever feed them.
I have an interview tomorrow and I don't feel confident as my desperation to get out of home is adding pressure when I need to be relaxed.
A more worrying thing is I can see some really bad s*** coming down the line in years to come. If she is like this in her eighties imagine what she will be like in her nineties? If she did contract any serious illness I dread to think what she would be like. I hope she lives as long as possible obviously but her attitude is going to get worse, not better as the years pass, there's no doubt about that. It's a major problem for me and my sister and one that is causing me a lot of anxiety.
Obviously I care for my mother a lot and always try to look after her to the best of my ability but I am getting fed up and resentful of her. I think if she was aware that she is in danger of turning me against her with all her moaning she would tone it down. But as I said already we absolutely cannot say anything to her.
I am sure there are a lot of people reading this who can identify with my issue, as elderly parents can be difficult but Jesus, a person is entitled to have a life themselves too I think?

Big Bag of Chips

stuckathome wrote: »

She doesn't do any housework so if she and my father are out for a few hours I have to clean the place while they are gone (I need the place to myself to do it properly).

She's in her early 80s!!!!!!! Does your father do housework?
You're 41. You should be doing the housework! We all have to do housework. It's called being an adult. And if you live (rent free? rent cheap?) with your elderly parents then I'd think that's your responsibility.

I rang her doctor recently to discuss the situation but she is basically a complete bitch and just brushed me off.

It's called being professional. If your mother hasn't given her permission to discuss her medical matters with you, then she can't discuss them with you.

Your mother is in her 80s. She's old. Her body is old. She can't do the things she used to do. She can't do them as easily, or as quickly as she used to. So while, in your eyes she might not be 'sick' she is definitely feeling the affects of her body. She will get tired quicker. She will spend many sleepless hours at night.

If you don't want to live at home anymore, move out. I thought for a minute when you said you didn't want to move away it was because you wanted to stay close to your elderly parents, turns out it was so you can stay close to your mates to go to matches.

I don't know what advice you're looking for. Sounds more like a rant at your mother who has every right to feel old and tired. Some people are fit, strong and healthy 80 year olds. Some aren't. Give your Mam a break. Of course you're entitled to a life. I don't think your mother is stopping you getting on with your own life. You are. With all your wishy washy excuses. Maybe you need to get back to work to get yourself out of the house. If you can't get an IT job in your town, take any job. A job is better than the dole.

LegacyUser

The woman only lost her brother last year.
She's probably quite conscious of her own mortality, & depressed. She may be bored also.

You, her 41 year old son, are unemployed& single& living at home. That can't be the life or the future she dreamt for you. Do you own the family farm now or do they? The money from the leasing- who pays who what?

Doing housework? Why should she, in her 80s? She's been doing it for 60 odd years, most likely.

Her GP cannot& should not disclose any personal medical information to you, unless authorised to do so. That's not being a b****, that's being a professional.

uck51js9zml2yt

So you prefer to hang around with your mates and go to matches than get a job.
You need a reality check.
Your parents are old and can't do the things they once did. You need to start helping out around the house and taking some responsibility for life.
At 80 even the very act of living is hard, never mind doing any physical work. You're half their age. You need to start behaving like it instead of sponging off your parents.
If you're living at home, grand but you need to start doing things to justify being there.

MintyMagnum

An elderly rellie was recently diagnosed with alzheimers's, which became noticeable through depression, self absorption, lack of empathy, heightened anxiety etc. Along with the physical effects of being older there may be other issues to consider. Also situational depression can occur after bereavement. Your mother might be grieving her brother, or her good health etc. Re the housework would ye consider some home help?

Dial Hard

MintyMagnum wrote:

Re the housework would ye consider some home help?

Considering he's not working I see no reason why he can't do the housework himself.

Chocolate fiend

She sounds depressed the poor woman. If they don't "need" you there perhaps you should move away and get a job, staying at home so you can go to match's with your mates is not a life for a 41 year old man.

Neyite

Move out now. Seriously. Stop making excuses because if you don't a genuine health issue will occur and you will be trapped. Move an hour away, like your sister, get a job you like, and you are only an hour away so even if they have a bout of ill health an hours drive on a weeknight to check up on them or do a cleaning blitz is nothing in the grand scheme of things.

You say she's always been 'ill'. Some people in all walks of life can be a bit of a malingerer and love nothing better than to regale everyone around them with the latest ache or pain. She's just one of those and probably wont change now. And she's probably always been difficult to reason with, just now you are feeling conflicted with guilt at her being so old and feeling like you need to put your life on hold. You really shouldnt.

You need to put the kind of life in place for you that does not revolve around caring for people who right now, do not need caring for. There is time enough for you to think about arrangements for being a carer for them when the need it, but until then, live your life. I get a vibe from your post that this rut is comfortable for you so you are excusing yourself that social life or job or potential relationship because those things will take you out of your comfort zone. In lots of ways, the inertia and the complaining that you find frustrating in your mother is mirrored in your life too - could it be that your real frustration is with yourself and your current circumstances?

I feel for all of you - being old is tough and its scary and isolating. Being a carer is hard bloody work even with a compliant positive person, so its bound to be much harder to do it for someone who's got form for being a moaner.

Don't put your life on hold any more.

retro:electro

Jesus Christ. You sound awful. Your mother is in her 80s, she's allowed to be old and tired. You said youself she still makes the dinners etc.. make your own bloody dinner! Why are you complaining about having to help out at home once in a while? Grow up! I too would sit with my head in my hands at times if my 41 year old son was still living with me and ringing up my doctor ranting about me. Your poor mother. I don't blame her one bit for being miserable still living with her 41 year old man child.

amtc

This might sound harsh but you're abdicating your own life. If you had a job you could pay for a cleaner for example.

You need to find ways to manage. My dad is worse than Victor Meldrew so apart from checking he's OK I stay away. He's 78. Since he was 60 he's been nearing 70 and now he keeps referring to being 80. It brings me down being near him. My mam is 69 and currently in a casino in Australia..! She wasn't sure about going but as I said to her if she hadn't brought me up to look after myself at 43 for the privilege of lunch once a week and a daily phone call she'd done a bad job.

Don't you think your parents are worried about you.

The Princess Bride

Jeez some posters are tearing into the OP. I'm surprised anyone ever starts a thread here.
It's not as if he's always lived at home, he's only there this past year.

OP.
How did the cats and dogs survive before you moved in? They survived, right?
Who did the housework before you moved in? To your parents' standard not yours, it is their house and their choice to keep it as they wish.
If you think back over the decades, was your mother a glass half empty sort of person anyway?
Could it be because you're there so often now you see issues that were always there but you now can't avoid?

Once your parents are mobile, which they are, and they have each other -so fortunate at that age-they'll get by.
Perhaps you've taken on too much?

Best of luck with the interview, think positive, keep busy and stop worrying about the next decade.
Live for these days and try enjoy them a little more than you've been doing.

LLMMLL

Gotta agree people are being way too harsh. It sounds like the OP and his sister have tried to talk to her before and gotten the classic emotional blackmail response. It comes up so often on this forum I'm surprised nobody is thinking she might be the narcissistic mother type.

I only have experience with one person in their 80s but pretty sure most 80 year olds aren't constantly miserable.

Skibunny77

There is a serious amount of judgmental posts on this. How about a little empathy? Carers often become overwhelmed and resentful of those they care for. I work in health and have these kinds of conversations regularly with stressed out carers. OP, if your mothers behaviour has become worse in the last year, it may a result of her brothers death and her own sense of mortality. Her new Gp might assess her mood and you could possibly say 'Mam, we have noticed you're a bit down lately, illness seems to be getting on top of you more easily than it used to, maybe the Gp can help'. That said, a professional doesn't have a magic wand and can't sort out family stuff (as families often hope we can!) - so this may involve a chat with your mum and with your sister. A good Gp should definitely be able to give you pointers on how to do so!!
This is most likely stressing you as you're not getting a break from it. Your life revolves around your parents. You sound low in confidence about your work and social life. Taking small steps to broaden your own world will help - getting back into employment, working out a house cleaning plan while your parents are in the house (tell your mum you are going out Saturday nights from now on and plan accordingly) walking away from your mum when she is overly negative - all of these things help. It isn't normal by the way for an 80 year old who has such a good degree of independence to constantly complain about her health - if she has a good check up by her Gp, physical and mood issues will be checked. Finally good luck in your interview today. Leave your stress and some of the negative commentary expressed in this thread at the the door, go in and see it as your first step to a broader life.

LynnGrace

Best of luck OP with the job interview. Try to forget everything else, and focus on giving it your best shot.

It does sound as if you would be better off moving out, and enlisting help/ care for your parents as and when it is needed. As others have said, don't put your own life on hold any longer. All the best.

Big Bag of Chips

At 41 years of age it's not your elderly parents job to accommodate you. You do seem to be using their age as an excuse to stay, yet on the other hand giving out about your mother being old! Maybe she wasn't as bad before you gave up work because she had to be more independent and do more for herself. Maybe you being there all day is allowing and enabling her to turn into a frail old lady? Even antagonising it a bit?

You speak of your mother's levels of self absorption, but you show traits of it yourself. Often times we don't see these negative traits in ourselves that we so readily see in others. But as a 41 year old man you are complaining about having to do house work, not being able to go out on a Saturday night. (I know it's a long time since I was at Saturday night mass, but does it go on til 11pm?) That is really not the only time in the whole week where you can clean up. The house doesn't need to be empty to tidy and clean. How have families managed forever?! Not being able to move away because you're not good at making friends? They're all excuses, and fairly feeble. Have you ever lived away from home? It's unclear. I know you gave up work to help your mam when her brother was sick, but did you also move back at that time or were you living there all along? You say you stopped working to "stay at home". That gives the impression that you have always lived there.

It can be scary to stand on our own two feet. And it's difficult to start off in your 40s if you've never done it before. But, you cannot reasonably expect to stay in the safety and comfort and familiarity of home into your 40s and then feel entitled to give out about your elderly parents!

I think getting a job and moving out would be the best thing you could possibly do, for yourself and your parents.

CaptainInsano

Chocolate fiend wrote: »

She sounds depressed the poor woman. If they don't "need" you there perhaps you should move away and get a job, staying at home so you can go to match's with your mates is not a life for a 41 year old man.

Did you read the post at all? They obviously need him if the animals would starve without him. And he said he doesn't want to travel too far for work to be near his only social outlet. You'd rather he was lonely. Awful reply.

jimgoose

Get a job and move out. She thinks she's reared a full-time manservant. Her life is over, yours is about half-way through.

Big Bag of Chips

CaptainInsano wrote: »

They obviously need him if the animals would starve without him.

That is just another in a long list of excuses why he can't move out. I doubt the animals would in fact starve. Same as I doubt the reason he can't go out on a Saturday night is because his parents go to mass and it's the only time he can do any housework. He's blaming his mother for him having no life, when it seems he is the only one holding himself back, and finding excuses to not move on.

OP, I would go so far as to say you are terrified to become independent. You've always had the safety net of home. You even mention money isn't that important because there's an income coming in from the farm. If you lived away from home money would be essential. You'd have to stand on your own two feet and be self sufficient.

There is no point complaining about your mother complaining. The advice repeated here over and over is you can't change someone else. You can only change yourself. It's not your mother's job to adjust herself to make your life easier. It's up to you to adjust yourself to get the life you want. If the life you want is being a single man, living at home with your elderly parents, going out to matches with your friends, then carry on as you are. If you want more, you have to go get it yourself.

It can be terrifying. Sometimes it can even seem ridiculous to go off and pay rent/mortgage somewhere when you have a perfectly good home at home where you don't have to be "wasting" all that money. But that's what the huge majority of adults do. Your mind set is the mind set that sees many adults never becoming independent or self sufficient. Never getting their own lives together. Never meeting new people, and perhaps having a relationship. Anyone I know in your position are all single. One girl I went to school with has never had a job. Ever. She's 40 this year. Her mother is probably her best/only friend. You don't see one without the other. It's very sad but it becomes a safety net that people are too afraid to leave. The time comes for most of us when we start to branch out and make our own life. That usually happens in early 20s. It would seem you missed that stage, and now you feel it is not going to happen, or it'll only happen once your parents are gone and you can then become independent and live alone, but in the familiar and comforting surroundings of "home". And you will probably be in your 50s by then.

CaptainInsano

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

That is just another in a long list of excuses why he can't move out. I doubt the animals would in fact starve. Same as I doubt the reason he can't go out on a Saturday night is because his parents go to mass and it's the only time he can do any housework. He's blaming his mother for him having no life, when it seems he is the only one holding himself back, and finding excuses to not move on.

OP, I would go so far as to say you are terrified to become independent. You've always had the safety net of home. You even mention money isn't that important because there's an income coming in from the farm. If you lived away from home money would be essential. You'd have to stand on your own two feet and be self sufficient..

That's quite a conclusion to jump to when the op has already explicitly stated that the reason he doesn't what to leave for work in IT is because he'll be forced to move too far away from his ONLY social outlet.
Op, caring for relatives can be a very difficult experience. And venting is a hugely important thing, and you are doing just that, fair play. I wouldn't be too hard on yourself reading these posts because we can't all be perfect like the posters here. Maybe counselling would help you vent stress? Even talking about it regularly might help you tolerate home more.

Big Bag of Chips

CaptainInsano wrote: »

That's quite a conclusion to jump to when the op has already explicitly stated that the reason he doesn't what to leave for work in IT is because he'll be forced to move too far away from his ONLY social outlet.

And the animals would starve...

Before everyone moves away they are moving from their only social outlet. Before I moved away my school friends were my only social outlet. I moved away, started working and met new people and made new friends.

Granted, I did that at 21. It might be a bit harder for me to up and start new somewhere at 41 but, if it was something I wanted or needed I'd push myself. OP doesn't sound like he's too interested in pushing himself outside of what is comfortable and familiar.

LegacyUser

The thing is OP - you are putting it upon yourself to be there and take care of her. She doesn't appear to be asking you to do this. And where is your dad in all this, what's his situation?

I appreciate that you are trying to do the best you can for her, but it's your life too. I am not trying to be cold here, but what happens if she lives into her 90s and dies at say - 95? You will then be 56 or so, and suddenly, the day after the funeral, you're faced with your life. Which you've abandoned for the last X amount of years. What happens then? Do you have a pension? Do you want to be a farmer? How will you find a job then - after 15 or 16 years out of the workplace and approaching retirement age?

I know you've given a list of reasons why you feel you can't leave, but have you considered the questions above? Is there another reason you're not leaving? Is it anything to do with inheritance or anything like that?

Unfortunately your mother's complaining is a minor issue in comparison to a lot of bigger problems, mainly around your life choices, here. You are trying to do your best I know, but you can't abandon your own life for them. Unless you are happy that you will one day take over the farm and run it, and if that's the case, then I'm afraid you have to put up with your mother as part of this package.

Big Bag of Chips

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

And the animals would starve...

Before everyone moves away they are moving from their only social outlet. Before I moved away my school friends were my only social outlet. I moved away, started working and met new people and made new friends.

Granted, I did that at 21. It might be a bit harder for me to up and start new somewhere at 41 but, if it was something I wanted or needed I'd push myself. OP doesn't sound like he's too interested in pushing himself outside of what is comfortable and familiar.

He also has a house and farm which will most likely be his in a few years and may not want to move away and lose contact with friends etc or get settled into a job somewhere else when his long term plan will almost definitely be inheriting the family home and farm and living there. Also if he is to inherit the house it is advantageous from a tax perspective to be living there as it will be exempt from CAT.

Big Bag of Chips

Well if you're living in your parents' house for inheritance reasons, then you're just going to have to accept that you're staying for inheritance reasons and be glad of the opportunity that most other people your age don't have.

Complaining about your mother complaining makes you sound like Harry Enfield's Kevin!

CaptainInsano

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Well if you're living in your parents' house for inheritance reasons, then you're just going to have to accept that you're staying for inheritance reasons and be glad of the opportunity that most other people your age don't have.

Complaining about your mother complaining makes you sound like Harry Enfield's Kevin!

It's far more than complaining, he's turning resentful and he can't help it. As it extremely common when caring for others. Saying suck it up or move out is horrendously simplistic and pointless advice. You seem hell bent on painting him as a moany brat. He's caught in a situation where he loves his parents, but is turning against his mother. He needs to genuine compassionate advice . I really don't know why anyone bothers posting here with issues.

To be fair to the OP, negative people are very draining regardless of their age or circumstances. I can understand that being frustrating.

But... doing the housework is a small token in exchange for the roof over your head at presumably low or zero rent, and your mother isn't just whinging about nothing, being aged is hard work. Every movement you and I take for granted is harder when you're aged, and I'll probably be complaining from the minute I get up to the minute I sleep again when I'm that age. She probably wakes every time she turns in bed, so perhaps you could suggest she asks her doctor about a sleeping pill to get her through the night, none of us are at our most cheerful when we're not sleeping. She may also have issues with age related dementia, and depression in old age is extremely common. Her doctor will not speak to you about your mother in anything but the most general terms OP, and is not a bitch for keeping her patients confidence.

You have two choices, make the best of the situation or move. Since you've ruled out moving, and you have your reasons and obviously they're important to you, then what's left is making the best of it. Do the housework, care for the animals, listen to your mother, but also make sure you get out of the house. Being housebound by unemployment is making you a captive audience for your mother, something that probably isn't good for either of you. While you're looking for work, make sure you get outdoors or involved in some community activity unrelated to the family for a while. It's not healthy to have your parents at the centre of your world all the time at your age.

Lastly, try to be grateful for your parents and to see things from their perspective. Your mother is old, she's earned the right to have a whinge in her own house, she's also past changing at her age. All you can do for her is keep the house clean, be considerate of the pair of them, look after the animals, and count your blessings you have a home to live in near your friends and aren't forced into working a job in a place you don't want to be, paying through the nose for rent. Your parents are doing you a good turn, appreciate it.

5rtytry56

OP, another perspective:

Did your mother ever pay Christmas / Easter Dues to a Parish Priest over the years. Even if she stopped paying some years, say, would you be ok with letting the parish priest / some member of the parish council know about the situation.

My logic here is that maybe your mother could get the advantage to socialize with similar people - if she is not religious then she could meet up, maybe, after the prayers / mass .... thought I'd throw it out there

retro:electro

You barely mention your father at all. What is his position in all of this?

5rtytry56

5rtytry56 wrote: »

OP, another perspective:

Did your mother ever pay Christmas / Easter Dues to a Parish Priest over the years. Even if she stopped paying some years, say, would you be ok with letting the parish priest / some member of the parish council know about the situation.

My logic here is that maybe your mother could get the advantage to socialize with similar people - if she is not religious then she could meet up, maybe, after the prayers / mass .... thought I'd throw it out there

That's a good idea. He could also enquire at the local health centre if there are any day groups for the elderly. His mother and his father could both gain from the social contact. They're probably as fed up with just him to talk to as he is about his mum's negativity!