Ghosted, whoosh...

LegacyUser

Hi all
I feel like a bit of a sap writing this. But last week a really nice guy, quite handsome, just my type, messaged me, and we went out on Saturday night. Had a great time, we kissed, he walked me home and the next evening we were texting and arranged a date for today (Wednesday). He suggested he'd pick me up from my place. On Monday I whatsapped asking what time suited him this evening, he read the messages, but never responded. I've still heard nothing today so I can assume he's blanked me. Also, I've seen him online on the site I met him off every day since we met. I am just checking messages, I've no interest in meeting anyone else right now as I was focused on him, but yeah he was online each time.
We actually work right beside each other and go to the same cafes at lunch etc, so it's likely I'll probably run into him again.
I feel pretty hurt by this, I can't concentrate at work, and I have a real sense of rejection.
What's up with that? I don't know the guy.
For someone who seemed nice, and gentle, why the hell not send a "sorry I don't think it could go further"? Jesus I mean if he's into someone else I'd be happy for him...
So now I feel like a big pathetic 35 year old loser who'll never meet anyone. This happened with that last couple I met too, perhaps not as blunt, they kind of fizzled out post date (after arranging a 2nd).
I'm afraid now to meet other people as I really don't need to be rejected again! Maybe I'll just shut the bloody account down...
Any advice or explanations would be much appreciated!

pgj2015

Hi, my only advice is to keep your head high and keep talking to guys and going on dates and don't let this guys lack of backbone effect you. it is him who has the problem not you.

GritBiscuit

Am I right in presuming you met him and the other ghosters on an online dating site?

One of the common complaints about online dating is the whole people buffet set-up is a constant reminder another one, two, six will be along in a while...which means some people using the site always have their eye on something bigger and better coming down the road behind you before you've even had a chance to go on a first date, or they think "the one" will be magically jumping into their lives with little to no effort on their part and any date that doesn't set off fireworks worthy of an olympic games opening is a sign that it just wasn't meant to be...others like the chase, others again are emotionally unavailable, others still are a bit cowardly and think if they ignore you long enough you'll get the hint and spare them having to have "that" awkward convo....

Online dating is one of the most popular ways to meet a mate so there are clearly gems in there...you just have to look a little harder to find them. Chin up and view any ghosting or crappy behaviour as a fantastic filter they don't have the kind of values or personality that would have meant any kind of long lasting or meaningful relationship with you anyway.

Best of luck!

njs030

I can imagine you are hurt and you sound it in your post but it is important not to get invested too early. You met this man once, went on one date with him and you seem to have quite a lot of expectations. Yes it would have been nice if he'd cancelled but you don't know what else is going on in his life so just delete his number, forget him and move on. .

When you start talking to someone don't immediately drop everyone else, wait a while until you see is he a good fit for you and there's nothing wrong with going on a few dates at once.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies. So at 5 or so yesterday I stupidly caved and sent a "are we still on for later otherwise I'll make other plans", and eventually got back "I'm not meeting you tonight sorry". Then I said well would it have killed you to let me know? And I was ignored.
I couldn't care less about this guy but funny how I felt like I came out the loser in this situation.
I've been on a lot of dates in the last year and no one seems interested. I am good looking and fit and good with people, but all of these dates feel like job interviews and I keep failing. The constant let downs are really making me depressed
I have plenty of friends so I do go out and socialise but never seem to meet anyone that way. I really have no interest in meet up groups and hill walking, which is what always seems to be suggested, I don't know anyone who met their partner that way.
I really want to just give up and live my life without worrying about finding someone, but then I'll feel like I'm missing out on chances. Urgh, this is really taking its toll on me

Bambi985

Yeah this is typical online dating behaviour. It's why I'd never go back online again even if I was single - because it necessitates you being jaded and emotionally withdrawn in order to "play the game" and not get hurt.

You can't rush in and get excited about someone right away, because 9 times out of 10 they either won't feel the same (fine) or are doing some major serial dating and you are only Ms Tuesday Night.

I don't think it's natural to not get excited about someone you fancy, so I left my chances to real life. Met my boyfriend through work, we got together at a work party. No pressure to make our minds up about each other right away, no formal interview-style dates, no clicking on multiple profiles a day. Just 2 people who knew each other and wanted to get know more.

I know you're 35 and probably not going to delete your profiles and try the real world instead. So in that case, you're going to have to assume a thicker skin and NOT get excited about someone until they've proved themselves worthy of it. A few messages and a quickie date with a kiss is par for the course in online dating. He had probably done the same already that week. Wait for him to show his hand next time and take no promises of a call or a second date at face value.

redfox123

Way too many expectations. Now this may sound a little silly but I might have even been put off by the texting on Monday night asking about times. Like there's nothing wrong with that but it gives off the impression that you're building it up and waiting for the date instead of chilling out, you don't know him at all and now you're hurt after one date? Too much pressure. He probably sensed that. Now you're worrying about dying alone..imagine that pressure on you if you didn't make a second date with someone?? Yes obviously he should have cancelled but he didn't, what's point in being upset for what someone you don't know should have done? You'll struggle for a long time if you have expectations of people you don't know. Unfortunately people are not going to do what you think they 'should' do most the time.
Lose the expectations. In fact go in with the attitude you won't meet the love of your life you'll have a fun night and there'll be no more and you're fine with that. Expect him not to text you or hear from him ever again and be ok with that. Not in a depressing negative way but take back control, flirt, enjoy yourself, then onto the next. The only reason you're upset is you're resisting the fact you two were not right for each other. God knows how many others he's going on dates with or going to meet with, I mean he's been on the site every day not talking to you.

leggo

I don't know if I'd be as clinical as redfox, because I've been in relationships with people who have had similar attitudes and it lends itself to sabotage, but definitely lean more that way than the other way.

The way I look at dating, and single life, is that I'm gonna make sure I have an awesome life regardless of anyone else. Different people will come into at times for varying lengths of time (could be a night, could be a year or two, they may even stick around for life) and I'm gonna have good times with those people for however long they last. If it doesn't click, that's totally fine because I've met people who had nothing wrong with them who I just wasn't into, and if I'm that way for someone else it's not a reflection on me because I know what I bring to the table.

You've got to be zen about the whole process and control the controllables. Panicked thoughts like you're going to die alone can become self-fulfilling prophecies if you let them. Until you meet someone you're sure of who you decide to partner up with, just focus on making your life awesome and do what makes you happy. Don't let the opinion of, or validation from, others knock you because you can't control them so you're only leaving yourself open to be hurt then by people who shouldn't be important enough to hurt you. Just put your best foot forward and trust the process that it'll all work out, whatever happens.

Tigger99

I get that you are hurt and disappointed but wow that was a huge huge amount of expectation after one date. Maybe he thought the date went great at the time but met someone he clicked with more the night after or maybe he sensed the expectation you were putting on him.

It's an incredible reaction to not be able to concentrate in work because of this. He's a stranger to you. Having one date where you felt last/chemistry etc doesn't guarantee anything.

I really am not sure that online dating is for you. I've been on a good few first dates and never felt like they were an interview. You mightnt realise it but maybe you are coming across as overly keen and very anxious to meet someone. Maybe you aren't but your posts certainly give an air of that.

What should you do? Get off online dating. Smile at that cute guy in the bar or library. Get content with your own company. Take the focus off omg if I don't find someone now I'll be alone forever.

Rekop dog

Casper_69 wrote: »

I feel pretty hurt by this, I can't concentrate at work, and I have a real sense of rejection.
What's up with that? I don't know the guy.

I think most of us have need to be wanted and validated deep down. If you've ever watched the show undateables the people on dates literally never care if the other person is a good suit for them, they're just obsessed with approval or the idea of being in a relationship. Now I'm not comparing you with someone with mental issues, but I often find they're a good gauge for our most basic human emotions, they're just less inhibited and vocalise things others who've learned more social skills wouldn't.

You've admitted you don't know this guy, yet you're at a level were you're struggling to do work after just one date when he failed to give you the approval you crave. You're not particularly upset *he* rejected you, you're just more upset you've been rejected again. I'm sure this strong need to be wanted manifests itself in your behaviour/body language on dates and people will pick up on that as a little needy so you really need to retrain yourself to not care as much early in dating and just go with the flow a little more. Easier said than done but it's crucial or else you'll enter that cycle of date/rejection/self fulfilling prophecy/miserable.

LegacyUser

Ok thanks for the replies. I certainly do not come across as needy, ever. Trust me, I'm good fun to have a drink with, and can blend in anywhere. That's why I'm posting in an anonymous forum, I needed to get it off my chest. Sure, I wasn't able to concentrate at work, it had nothing to do with that stranger I met the other night really, it was just a symptom of bigger things.
I was married before, and I'm separated 3 years now, I have no dealings with my ex. In those 3 years I have totally taken control of my life, bought my own house, I play in a band once a week, I've been on countless holidays, met lots of new people, gotten really fit, ran a marathon... The list goes on.
I am really enjoying life, for the most part. I had completely given up on dating but thought I'd try it again in the new year, had a few dates and either I wasn't in the least bit attracted to them, or they've been a let down. The only guys who are interested, are ones I don't fancy. It's always the same.
In fact, thinking back to that guy the other night, he wasn't my type at all, and I never would have gone out with him. I guess I just wanted to feel wanted, it's been a long long time, and my last relationship was horribly abusive. I was physically and mentally tortured. I've had counselling, taken up meditation, I've been on retreats, I really think I've tried to heal as much as I can. I just wanted to feel like a woman again, desired maybe. The fact this guy didn't want to see me, was just a trigger, because I've had to totally try and live as best as I can without any sex or love or any of that, and for the most part I do great, but it hit me yesterday that I haven't had any physical contact with anyone in over a year (a one night stand with someone I didn't fancy), and the way things are going I can't see it happening again. I had a few holiday flings with nice attractive people, people that made me feel like a normal human again, but here it just doesn't happen.
I'm going to pack it in again and go back to enjoying my life, dating just seems like constant disappointment, and I know I shouldn't build it up at all, I really don't, and I don't want kids or to ever get married again, I don't have expectations of people, but for Christ's sake, what I wouldn't give to just feel wanted and like a woman again.

dellas1979

First of all, stop beating yourself up over someone else's behaviour/reaction.

The bottom line is, he just wasnt right for you.

If you are feeling jaded from all this, take a break (at least from the online world).

You need to make your own plans and have your own life, and be 100% invested in that. And, until you meet someone suitable, less invested in guys you just dont know.

Its bloody scary out there-as youve no idea how these things are going to go, but this isnt going to change. Its only your own attitude towards this that you can change.

Bambi985

Rekop dog wrote: »

You've admitted you don't know this guy, yet you're at a level were you're struggling to do work after just one date when he failed to give you the approval you crave. You're not particularly upset *he* rejected you, you're just more upset you've been rejected again. I'm sure this strong need to be wanted manifests itself in your behaviour/body language on dates and people will pick up on that as a little needy so you really need to retrain yourself to not care as much early in dating and just go with the flow a little more. Easier said than done but it's crucial or else you'll enter that cycle of date/rejection/self fulfilling prophecy/miserable.

I think the best way to do this is to consider a life on your own, where you don't meet a suitable partner and have to build your life from there.

Scary eh? It shouldn't be. That's the point. We get this message in society - and one that Ireland is particularly obsessed with - that we're no-one until we're coupled up, then married, then babied. It cranks up five thousand notches in your 30s, especially as a woman, when the game of musical chairs is coming to a definite end and 90% of the people you know are doing all of the above.

Stop thinking about your age, stop thinking about being single as some End-Of-Days scenario. Because you're going to give yourself a hernia and you're going to push even the nicest and most compatible guys away. And also because it is totally not. What about self-fulfilment and self-confidence that's based on who you are as a person and what you have achieved rather than who you're dating/marrying and how you're fitting into the little box society has prescribed for you?

Work on that. Get used to being single. Learn to like yourself and value yourself. Stop looking outward and start looking inward. And work from there.

gossamer

I wouldn't feel so bad. At face-value he seemed like a "really nice guy", but his actions proved otherwise. If he was in any way decent he would have politely cancelled the date/ made his excuses etc., before you had to follow it up - even if it is online dating. No doubt, other women he's dated have experienced similar treatment. I wouldn't take it personally and I certainly wouldn't call myself a loser as a result of his shortcomings.

LegacyUser

OP, rethink things in another way. Any guy would be lucky to have you. Any guy should be tripping over themselves to date you. Anything else forget about it. If thats the way he treated you, its his loss not yours. You should be thinking to yourself, wow lucky escape for me!

When you are older online dating is not for the faint hearted. Everything is based on looks and appearance and guys are generally looking for hook-ups. It can be pretty harmful for your self esteem... take time out, regroup. In time if you do want to try online again, do it but with a more cynical hat on.

I completely get the sting of being single and yes you'll get boardsies on here saying 'don't let it define you blah blah', 'do things for yourself', the usual diatribes boardsies impart when singletons bemoan their single status on here. Sometimes the reality is being single is sh*tty at times and think thats what the OP is feeling here.

Keep repeating its better to be single and alone than being with the wrong person. Followed swiftly by I deserve the best, because you do. We all do. Just be kind to yourself sweetheart, it'll all come good whatever the future may bring.x

Dr Crayfish

It happens all the time. Usually I care for like a day or two and then forget their names! You sound cool, dust yourself off and maybe leave the OD for a while, next time don't let it sneak up on you or you'll start taking it seriously and having expectations of people, you don't want that!

timmy880

Common occurrence on the online dating scene. Just be glad he didn't waste too much of your time and that you get to move on to finding somebody a bit cooler than this guy.

Sounds like you've alot going for you so just be patient and positive

DPB74

Hi OP,

I was in a similar situation myself, met a nice guy online we seemed fairly compatible and then I was ghosted, no reason given. I felt like crap because I genuinely believed he liked me, but after giving it some thought I decided that his actions were a reflection of his inner issues, not mine and I wasn’t going to feel bad about his choices. I decided to get off the dating websites as it felt like I was on a conveyor belt of dates just for the sake of it. I realised I needed to take a step back and look after my own needs, so for the moment I am single and am happy enough about that and I think when I do meet someone I’ll be ready for it. Just know you are not alone, there are lots of women and men out there who have had rotten experiences like this.

santana75

Why not just let go of it? Like delete your online profiles for good and dont go back. When you let go of control over your dating life like that its like a weight is lifted off your shoulders. It might be a bit scary to just trust that it will work out, but when you let go like that you develop and inner calm which is very attractive. Let go and see what happens.

daithi7

Hmmm, yes he should have handled things differently, of choose he should, he should have shown some common courtesy and backbone and probably just admitted he wasn't that interested in a second date and apologised for maybe leading you on a bit. End of.

That's all he should have done.

For your part, you got way too invested in him way too early. His behaviour, or lack of it, really upset you, but in truth it shouldn't have upset you nearly as much. You hardly knew him ffs. Yes, you've been through a terrible time with a relationship in a marriage previously, that was awful, but that is over. You've got to leave that behind you now to move on. You've got to find someway of not bringing that baggage to future dates/boyfriends & relationships. They are now the'lepers in your head', no one is going to play Jesus them except you in your own time.

None of that is easy actually, cos at heart we are not rational beings at all, but needy, emotional, Moody mixes of humanity at the best of times. Regardless of where you meet your next date (on line, work, pub or hill walking , you'll need to approach him as just that, a date. Then if that goes well, he might become a second date, then a third date, then an exclusive, etc, etc Don't lose yourself in this, try not to suspend your critical faculties, you will likely have to go through this process several times to various stages until you find a keeper. You'll have to brace yourself for this at the outset. Otherwise, you're not managing your own expectations and as a result you could hijack yourself before you start. Good luck!!

Jurgen Klopp

I wouldn't feel so bad, your ego is a little brusied like all of us when we are rejected.

Arranging a date with you and then ignoring you is the height of rudeness and shows he's a wanker, anyone doing so is.

Don't pack it in, you'll meet time wasters the trick is both being too pushed until you get to know someone well.

farmdogg

Yeah this is the kind of thing that makes me feel like there should be a hard-and-fast rule book. Like after 5 dates, both of the people need to show their hand: are you happy with this going on? After another while it's expected that we'll stop doing this with other people so if either person is hoping for an open relationship now's the time to say so.

It's so easy to leave things on the fence, and never being clear about the ground rules.

But that gives an advantage to those who want open relationships, but don't want the other people to know this. So the secrecy allows some lovers to put more notches on their bedpost, and then say to women after 3 months: "but I never said I wanted to be exclusive!"

Ghosting is awful behaviour, and that needs to be nipped in the bud on day one. Best case scenario: the ghost genuinely cares for the non-ghosts feelings, just not enough to overcome the fear of a scene. Worst case: the ghost wants to be able to have a "sex buddy" who's available for bedding, but otherwise isn't in the ghost's life.

My advice for the future is: pick yourself up as soon as possible. Look new prospects in the eye and say "One of us might decide that this shouldn't go on, and if that happens we need to end it very clearly and decently."

Remember, rejection is important, and necessary. You don't go to a karate class without learning how to fall. There are horrible, horrible situations where a person is too cowardly to reject, and suddenly there's a baby involved. If you have sex at all, you owe each other a clear "this is over" message.