Looking for advice about ex-gf who is also a friend of mine

Cochrane2016

First of all my apologies if post is long.

There is this co-worker of mine, we dated (but we never really discussed what we wanted from one another, both of us, maybe more her, were hesitant to broach the topic because of past experiences in romance) for a few months but did not contact each other much during the summer even though I did make an effort but she did not seem interested, we both went back to our different home countries but we are working in the same country.

So I wrote her off during the summer, but when we were back in work again after the holidays she contacted me to meet up so I did, but nothing really romantic came from it although we did meet for dinner or drink now and again (just the two of us) but she had mentioned she had liked another guy which is the first and only time she mentioned anything about another man.

It did not work out but we stayed friends, I thought it was just platonic until two months ago I suggested meeting just for a casual drink, but she gave me a weird unexpected reply saying that she couldn´t hang out with me because she needed her space and wanted time for herself and asked me to be understanding about it, however she went out for drinks with others and posted it up, which I was surprised with and got confused, since I thought we were just friends, and that she has always said she feels comfortable and secure in being herself around me.

So we stopped texting and meeting up for a while, then we ran into each other and it was if nothing had happened which was fine, we have a good relationship with one another and I have always looked out for as she is a nice girl and consider her a friend and are close.

Now recently I think her behaviour towards me has changed, and wonder if she is interested in me again.

Maybe she is giving me hints but I do not really know, she is not the best at communicating at times but she is prone to mood swings, it was me that approached her to ask her out and we got physically and emotionally intimate straight away one the first date.

Anyway, now she is much quicker texting back, she contacts me first more asking to meet up for a coffee or whatnot, is more enthusiastic about it, happier, compliments me, dresses up nicer at work, more touchy feely e. g. she always hugs and kisses me now, caresses my hand when we say goodbye?

Updates:
Another example today, was I told her today in person when we met for a coffee there was a vacancy on my work team, she works with a different one in another office. She then said the new person should be a man and single, then quickly said she was only joking? Was that a hint?

To be honest, I am not worried if she just wants to be friends, its less complicated for me,

I do not like emotional rollercoaster relationships, which is what ours felt like when we dated, but I am willing to consider giving it another go if she is, the problem is that she is not very open about personal romance, especially before, after and during we were going out together.

Not sure if this is relevant but I am not shy or introverted, in fact I have a healthy social life, good job, and a large social circle and I have good friendships with both men and women.

Am I being over-analytical?

leggo

It sounds like she likes attention and she knows she can get it from you on tap. Either way, she made things clear that she didn't want anything last time, so the ball is at least in her court. Personally I wouldn't have the time or energy to deal with someone who blows hot and cold like that but it's your call if you want to...but I put money that once you chase back she'll go cold again...

If you want them and they want you, it's not difficult.

Cochrane2016

leggo wrote: »

It sounds like she likes attention and she knows she can get it from you on tap

I don't follow, I mean I don't constantly look to meet up with her around or pine for her, I view her as a friend. It's not like I am there at her every beck and call? So I wouldn't necessarily agree with the 'on tap' remark.

I welcome your input, would have expected other posts by other posters by now as well though.

The Princess Bride

I was gonna say she sounds like hard work be she a friend or a girlfriend.
I've said it before and no doubt I'll say it again, it shouldn't be that hard to have either a friendship or a relationship - but some people take the joy out of both.

I'd be like you, an emotional rollercoaster isn't for me either.
At least you could see she was like this, too many can't actually see the issues with their friends/partners.

You knew what she was like when you were a couple, what makes you think she'd change?
Most people don't.

I think you need to focus on the positives- good social life, friends etc...
Nobody needs complications -so keep those to a minimum or avoid.

batmanrobin

Cochrane2016 wrote: »

I don't follow, I mean I don't constantly look to meet up with her around or pine for her, I view her as a friend. It's not like I am there at her every beck and call? So I wouldn't necessarily agree with the 'on tap' remark.

I welcome your input, would have expected other posts by other posters by now as well though.

I think Leggo kinda hit the nail on the head. I'd interpret "on tap" as her knowing she can have your attention when she wants it. It's not so much that you're falling over yourself giving her attention, but more so that she knows you like her and she knows she could "have you", for want of a more eloquent way of saying it!!

Honestly, I wouldn't be bothering myself too much about her if I was you. It sounds like really hard work! And it should never be hard work, OP. Like Leggo said, when both parties are interested there's none of this hot and cold nonsense.

Be polite in work, but outside I'd not bother. Leave her to it.

Cochrane2016

Thanks for your contributions, I am more less of the same opinion.

So would you reckon that she is now just feigning interest for attention?

leggo

batmanrobin wrote: »

I think Leggo kinda hit the nail on the head. I'd interpret "on tap" as her knowing she can have your attention when she wants it. It's not so much that you're falling over yourself giving her attention, but more so that she knows you like her and she knows she could "have you", for want of a more eloquent way of saying it!!

Honestly, I wouldn't be bothering myself too much about her if I was you. It sounds like really hard work! And it should never be hard work, OP. Like Leggo said, when both parties are interested there's none of this hot and cold nonsense.

Be polite in work, but outside I'd not bother. Leave her to it.

What batmanrobin said. She's telling you she needs space, then getting back in touch acting normal with no explanation, giving you hopes that things could be rekindled but not actually saying or promising anything. Why wouldn't she just say, "Hey I still like you, what's the story can something happen?" You know why? Because she probably doesn't want something to happen, she wants to know you're available so she always has an option, then she'll go on with her life.

Don't get caught up in her games. If you pull away completely, she'll probably say everything you want to hear, but the second you give it back she'll just go cold again, wait and see. Don't give someone this power over you and just get rid of her from your life. This is why it's difficult for exes to stay friends and probably why it's best if they don't.

batmanrobin

Cochrane2016 wrote: »

Thanks for your contributions, I am more less of the same opinion.

So would you reckon that she is now just feigning interest for attention?

Never underestimate the power of the ego boost, OP.

I've done the hot and cold thing and I've had it done to me. The common themes are: you're nice enough, they might be moderately attracted to you, you're a handy distraction (sometimes from who they really want), they don't mind talking to you etc. But at the core of all that is someone who just doesn't like you enough. They know you like them, they know they could be with you, they just don't want to be with you or date you or anything beyond what they currently do with you.

She obviously doesn't want more, and in terms of friendship there shouldn't be an imbalance of power in a friendship and I think that would be present if you were to try being friends, actual friends I mean.

Don't text her anymore. If she does text you, you can just ignore her. You work for the same company but different departments? Given the hot and cold nonsense I'd just be looking to limit contact as much as possible. Unfollow her on FB so you won't have to see posts by her. Focus on yourself and forget her. You owe her no explanations or anything else.

Big Bag of Chips

When you seemed interested in her she told you she needed space. So then you gave her the space she asked for and didn't ask her out, even as friends, anymore. She then didn't like that you weren't giving her attention anymore so she upped the game to pull you back in.

Emotional rollercoaster is right. She doesn't want you, but she likes the feeling that you might want her. That's why she's giving you just enough to keep you guessing, but not enough to give you a definite yes or no answer. She knows a definite "no" will mean that the attention she gets from you will dry up.

I think you should not allow her to be touchy feely with you. If other colleagues don't hug and kiss you, she shouldn't. You need to draw a line with her and put a stop to her attention seeking. You don't have to be confrontational or rude, but you can avoid 'close encounters' with her. She'll get the message and probably up her game to win back your attention! :rolleyes:

The longer you stay playing her game the longer you keep yourself from finding a real relationship.

Edit to add: I don't think she's doing any of this deliberately or to be a bitch, by the way! That's why there's no need to have it out with her or turn it into an issue. As Batmonrobin says above, I think we've all been party to this sort of carry on at one time or another. If you enjoy someone's company, but don't like them enough to be in a relationship with them, it's easy to fool yourself that you're just friends, and that the other person knows this and is ok with your 'friendship'. When deep down, you do actually know the friend isn't 100% ok with it all... But you enjoy the friendship, and the attention so you let it go on too long, and allow it to become more intimate than you would with other friends. Hugging/caressing etc. Because you know the other person is ok with this. There's not too many platonic friendships where you wouldn't find that behaviour from a friend a bit weird or ott!!

I doubt she's a bad person. But what she's offering is not good for you.

Cochrane2016

So there was a work night out last night and just a few of us, she was there as well and we ended up sitting next to one another, it was a good night we were laughing chatting and joking until this girl I also work with, who both of us barely knew, asked if we were a couple , which is weird.

Note: Nobody at work knows we were seeing each other in the past, we kept it discreet as we don´t like office gossip.

Big Bag of Chips

Everybody who has a work romance believes they're discreet and nobody knows. Usually most people know!

So what are you asking now? You were given advice to put a bit of distance between yourself and this girl. Clearly you haven't if someone is asking are you a couple. I know you're hoping she'll decide she wants to be with you, but that's unlikely. She's had loads of opportunities and hasn't taken them. You're "friendzoned".

There's nothing more to be gotten from posting about her, now. You either carry on as you are being dangled on a string by her, or you put a stop to it.

SarahMollie

In my experience, any relationship that had any sort of future (ie lasted over 1 year) was really easy at the start. We'd click, no one would be playing games and it was just obvious to both parties that this was going somewhere.

In contrast, anything that was hard work at the start, never lasted beyond a few short (and often stressful) months.

When you meet someone who's meant for you, it won't be this hard and there won't be this level of uncertainty.

Cochrane2016

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

I know you're hoping she'll decide she wants to be with you

But I'm not?

SarahMollie

Cochrane2016 wrote: »

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

I know you're hoping she'll decide she wants to be with you]

But I'm not?

Then why are you posting? If you're not interested in her, then why are you posting here?

Bambi985

Cochrane2016 wrote: »

I do not like emotional rollercoaster relationships, which is what ours felt like when we dated, but I am willing to consider giving it another go if she is,

Why? Why on earth would you do that and volunteer yourself for another emotional rollercoaster with a woman who is prone to moodswings, can't express feelings and talks to you about fancying other men?

Holy mother of god. I know when you're emotionally engaged the waters can be muddied but surely you're not that lacking in common sense and self-respect and self-esteem to see that you'll never have a happy, straight-forward relationship with this woman that makes you feel good about yourself? I mean never. Never ever.

Seriously you almost lost me at "talks about another guy she likes in front of me" but I read on anyway in disbelief. NO PERSON WHO HAS A REAL INTEREST IN ANOTHER PERSON WOULD DO THIS IN FRONT OF THEM. I mean it would be the ultimate act of self-sabotage and just downright stupidity. Unless you've got the emotional maturity of a four-year old and think some sort of silly game will make a man more interested.

Seriously man. Read your posts again. She loves having you as a pick-me-up. Nothing more.

Big Bag of Chips

Cochrane2016 wrote: »

But I'm not?

So then why do you care what she does, and why the level of detail about hugs/kisses/caressing your arm/sitting beside you etc.?

If you had no interest in her, you wouldn't care. And you'd be making it fairly clear to her that you're not interest and her interest or whatever it is, is unwelcome and just weird for two friends.

batmanrobin

Cochrane2016 wrote: »

So there was a work night out last night and just a few of us, she was there as well and we ended up sitting next to one another, it was a good night we were laughing chatting and joking until this girl I also work with, who both of us barely knew, asked if we were a couple , which is weird.

Note: Nobody at work knows we were seeing each other in the past, we kept it discreet as we don´t like office gossip.

I take it from this post that you are going to more or less ignore what has been said and instead try and give it another shot with her?

Sometimes we have to make the same mistake a few times before we realise what we're doing to ourselves. It's strange the hold we'll allow some people to have over us.

I would urge you to think long and hard about going there again, OP. You're inviting needless drama into your life with people like this woman.

Good luck with whatever you decide though.

Cochrane2016

You guys are right, I was probably just denying to myself that I only want to be friends with her. Her behaviour is head wrecking along with all this hot and cold, platonic and non platonic behaviour.

**** that, life is too short for that kind of bull****. I'll stop all communications and just be civil if I run into her by chance which hopefully will be rare after this.

Taltos

If you are pulling back as others advise and which I also think is the right thing then expect an escalation from her. Pulling her "safety blanket" from her is going to result in her going on an overdrive trying to hook you back. Head wreckers are called that for a reason.

Best of luck and be strong, and don't go for drinks with her even in a group...

daithi7

I agree with the other posters here, this one seems like a total head wrecker who just wants you as a safety blanket, ego boosting, f buddy . Sorry.

So cut off all communication, links and get on with your life. If she ever approaches you in an inappropriate manner, I would just confront her with that you were interested in her once but you can't put up with her mind games, manipulation & mood swings, and that you expect more from a relationship and partner than she can give you. Sorry. That should give you (& her) an opportunity for closure.....you should take it.