Coming out to parents

LegacyUser

Hey all,

Posting anon for this, hope that's okay.

Basically I'm a 20 year old man and in the last 2 years I've been coming to terms with being gay and I have fully accepted it myself, since starting college I've made friends who accept me for who I am and I feel I can be myself with them. The problem arises when I go home and have to go back to being back (way back) in the closet. I'm from a rural area where being gay isn't seen as normal and that's annoying but I get over it.

However I'm sick of hiding my true self. I'm a lot more reserved at home so holidays are a drag, my only true friends from college live in other parts of the country so my social life has gone from 100 - 0. I feel the only way to overcome this is tell my parents, but I don't think they'll accept it.

I know my mother voted No in the Marriage Equality Referendum and that hurt me. She's also quite awkward when a same sex couple come on TV etc. Even when my sister (who knows I'm gay and doesn't care) talks about her work colleagues (who are gay) my mother seems a bit repulsed by it. I don't think my father cares in the slightest but he also has an impressive poker face so it's hard to tell.

I'm mostly afraid to tell them because they help pay for college and if they react badly they'll cut me off and I'll have to drop out. I have a weekend part-time job but there's only so many savings you can have.

What should I do? Should I risk telling them? My original plan was to wait until I've graduated and have a job (studying course that's in demand so hopefully there's a job for me.) This idea makes me feel that if they react badly I can cut them off while still being able to sustain myself.

Please advise me on what I should do.

baby and crumble

OP, I totally understand where you're coming from- I had the exact same debates in my head when I was your age. My parents weren't quite as hardcore as your Mam seems to be but I was still fairly sure I'd get thrown out without a sock to my name! My Mum was fine, but my Dad had some very strange ideas back then- truth be told he was a little bit homophobic and a little bit racist. Like you, I'm from a rural area and went to Dublin for college and so coming home was always weird. I remember frantically buying a lesbian magazine in Heuston when I'd be on the way home, just so I could have something to connect me to my "real" life when I was at home! And then panicking someone would find it! :rolleyes:

I was putting myself through college so that was less of a worry (back when it was possible for a student to get a decent summer/ weekend job, thankfully!), but I get where you're coming from. I eventually came out to them in 4th year, just a few months before I was due to finish as I had met my first girlfriend (who, incidentally I'm still with 13 years later!) and I didn't feel right hiding her too. I could hide myself, even though it sucked, but I was so excited and happy to have met someone that I couldn't hold it in.

My folks were great, really. My Mum was fine about it, bit surprised but fine, and she told my Dad who was just a typical Irish Dad about it- as in, not really talking about it, then having a horribly awkward conversation in the car a few weeks later.

My point is, while there are horror stories about people coming out to conservative parents, it's not a given, and many people surprise you. But probably no harm to have a backup plan if and when you do come out, in case things get nasty. You may be right to wait until you aren't putting your studies in jeopardy by telling them. But ask yourself honestly do they seem like the type to throw out a child of theirs? Not many families are, deep down. It might be awkward and it might get nasty but if you do what I did and go in thinking the worst will happen you will likely come out pleasantly surprised.

BrianG23

If I were you I would wait, until you are close to finishing college. Just in case, like you say. It'll be a massive relief once you get it off your chest though.

Why wait, from the sounds of your mother. She may react pretty badly, if not she may start simply annoying you with attempts to get you into girls or somehow simply believes it is wrong and would wish to 'change' you back to normal, this would be a pain to deal with especially while dealing with the pressure of college. When you are self sustaining it'd be alot easier to deal with a strange or bad reaction. If they do have a bad reaction and your are self sustained they will really have to put their foot on their beliefs so as not to lose you(I guarantee they will not want you out of their life)

Although i'm not gay so I wouldn't know!

LegacyUser

Firstly, thanks for the reply, it's nice to know that others went through the same thing as me.

You're probably right, I probably won't be kicked out but I'm afraid my parents would just become more strict with me (I have to come home at weekends to work, so I'd still be under their roof).

I feel like my Mother would just try to tell me it's a phase, I haven't found the right girl etc etc.

I think I'll leave it for now.

Again, thanks for your replies

Ash885

I honestly think we have a predisposition to worry and focus so much on a negative reaction. Like you OP, before coming out my family would have said some pretty bad things, cringed at men kissing on the TV and the like.

I knew before the Marriage Ref I had to tell them because I didn't want the Iona propaganda to seep into the kitchen table unchallenged.

Anyway last week my sister, my Mam and myself were in town grabbing lunch. We started talking about my cousin, late 40s only recently came out as gay despite being very obviously 'camp'. When I started saying how sad it was his family were so ignorant to his lifestyle (maintaining Madonna and a string of ex-girlfriends "made him gay") and it was so sad he had to wait so long for recognition, my Mam corrected me.

"Sure I was just as bad as they were until you came out to me. And now I'm educated on it." She then began to pester me about what fellas I was seeing and should she start knitting one just in case!

My point is, when I came out despite fearing being disowned or rejected, I got a hoard of new supporters. Parents, friends and family can be taken aback by these concerns because for them it's a non-issue. For us though, we can become almost obsessed with the outcome.

I always remember that quote, "Those who matter don't mind, and those who mind don't matter."

Edit: That's not to put down your situation by the way. Every family is different, and there's no guarantee on anything. I suppose it just might be a comfort to know we all know what you're feeling and that things can change.

jobbridge4life

Hey OP. I think a lot of people, myself included, feel a certain pressure to come out and to encourage others to come out. I think it probably stems from the fact that 'I know I'm okay and so should everyone else so why should I wait' and that is entirely understandable but everybody's situation is different and that difference needs to be respected. Unfortunately we can't (no more than you could yourself) gaze into the minds of your parents and tell you whether it will be okay or not, and while we can offer our experiences they won't necessarily reflect how things might turn out for you either. If you feel it is best to wait then maybe it is. After all you do have an out life that you can inhabit in the interim, till you feel like you are in a safer space to tell your parents. Maybe take pro-active steps to ensure that you can have the best life you can until you are ready to tell them, for instance by saving up to ensure you can afford to not live at home during the summer etc.

At the same time I do think you should try and focus on the positive and I don't want to appear to be stoking your fears here. When closeted we can let out fears of rejection colour how we see other people reacting to gay things and sometimes we displace our own internal negative feelings about our sexualities onto others perceiving and imagining them to have opinions that, in truth, they don't. As others have said even people who think and say horrible things about LGBT people can be changed just by knowing that someone they love is an LGBT person.

Best of luck whatever you do and don't feel pressured into doing anything.

LegacyUser

jobbridge4life wrote: »

Hey OP. I think a lot of people, myself included, feel a certain pressure to come out and to encourage others to come out. I think it probably stems from the fact that 'I know I'm okay and so should everyone else so why should I wait' and that is entirely understandable but everybody's situation is different and that difference needs to be respected. Unfortunately we can't (no more than you could yourself) gaze into the minds of your parents and tell you whether it will be okay or not, and while we can offer our experiences they won't necessarily reflect how things might turn out for you either. If you feel it is best to wait then maybe it is. After all you do have an out life that you can inhabit in the interim, till you feel like you are in a safer space to tell your parents. Maybe take pro-active steps to ensure that you can have the best life you can until you are ready to tell them, for instance by saving up to ensure you can afford to not live at home during the summer etc.

At the same time I do think you should try and focus on the positive and I don't want to appear to be stoking your fears here. When closeted we can let out fears of rejection colour how we see other people reacting to gay things and sometimes we displace our own internal negative feelings about our sexualities onto others perceiving and imagining them to have opinions that, in truth, they don't. As others have said even people who think and say horrible things about LGBT people can be changed just by knowing that someone they love is an LGBT person.

Best of luck whatever you do and don't feel pressured into doing anything.

Firstly, thanks to everyone for replying, I appreciate it.

I planned on moving out this summer but my job at weekends is at home and the manager said he'll put me on full time if I stay for the summer, so it's pretty tempting. Also currently in the process of getting an internship but it's pretty competitive and will only pay for my housing and minimum amount of food leaving me with no savings, however means I'll be out away from home.

I have a lot of things to weigh up myself but atm I will just keep it to myself.

Again, thanks everyone