Why do I have such high standards dating?

LegacyUser

I'm in my late twenties but have only been on the dating scene a few years now. I used to be a bit self conscious and guess I didn't think anyone was interested in dating me. Then I met a girl who changed everything. I was head over heels about her.

Then 8 months into our relationship she dumped me. Something about me not being able to express myself emotionally, which is true, but not really why I'm on here!

Ever since, I've found it difficult to find someone else worth dating. It sounds harsh, but that's how I feel. It's nothing to do with hang ups with my ex or anything - in fact she wanted to get back together and I said no because my feelings for her went away after time had passed.

I get the feeling I have set high standards for myself. I've been told I'm quite a handsome guy, but I've grown up thinking otherwise for no good reason! I'm in no way cocky, in fact I usually talk myself down if anything.

But on any "good" date I've been on, the girl would be interested in me, and we have engaging conversations, but afterwards I don't feel any spark. If I got a message from her I would glance at my phone and maybe not reply for a few hours. Not out of nastiness, but because she's not on my mind at all.

I remember back with my ex anytime I would get a text from her I would jump to my phone and couldn't wait to reply. I don't know if it's because it was just first love, but I'm guess I'm looking for that feeling again.

I've gone on dates with girls and not felt anything, but I've given the dates a chance, but by date 3 I just can't keep the charade going, hoping that some spark will suddenly appear. The last girl I dated was very interesting, chatty and we got on great. At the end of the second date I was dropping her off at her place and I kept averting my eyes because I could sense she wanted a good bye kiss. I eventually gave in a gave her a kiss, but I didn't feel a thing. She was a beautiful girl as well which is why I'm completely confused!

Have I just set my standards way too high? How do I get over this feeling that no one is right for me? Do I just "endure" these dates until a more intimate relationship forms? Where am I going wrong?

Xterminator

Hi OP

you call it high standards, but is that what is really going on? are you putting yourself in unobtainable mode because your not emotionally available?

what if you change your mindset a bit and instead of looking for and not finding 'the spark' straight away; you look for friendship and enjoy a little time getting to know your friends and stop comparing every relationship to the pedestal you have placed the 1st relationship on.

im not saying you wont find a girl that makes your pulse race - but to open your mind to the possibility of a slow burner.

X

silverharp

how are you meeting your dates? if its all online is it just being a bid jaded with the conveyer belt nature of it?

GingerLily

How are you meeting these women? If it's online, maybe your very bad at selecting people who you have good chemistry with from just a dating profile.
Are these women dull or are you just not interested in them?

Bambi985

Sounds like you're meeting these women online and just have no chemistry with them.

Online doesn't work for a lot of people because of this - it's impossible to gauge how you will react to someone face-to-face, by looking at a few one dimensional photos of them. I've met really gorgeous men and wanted to leave after about ten minutes. "Great on paper, meh in reality" was my most common experience online.

None of my boyfriends have been "perfect on paper" or even the type that would've pulled me in online - we just met and clicked and that was it. None of that "do you fancy each other and you better decide quick!" pressure you get online. More of an organic thing, we became friends sometimes or hooked up straight away other times with none of the artificial contrived stuff you get with an online date.

Maybe log off and just try to be a bit more sociable in your offline life.

LegacyUser

It is through online dating that I go on all my dates. I'm not a big socialiser so would rarely be in a position to chat up a girl on a night out.

Saying that, I did meet my ex through online dating, so it can't be all that bad!

I do find Tinder and similar apps to be very superficial, I'm guilty of that myself. If a woman seems somewhat attractive in one photo, and then another couple of photos not so much I tend to move on to someone else. It's horrible, but I feel it's only natural that if I don't find someone physically attractive initially, I am unlikely to strike up a conversation.

Saying all of that, if I met these same women in real life, they would probably be much more attractive. Photos don't give a true representation of what someones like, so I'm probably letting a lot of potential girlfriends slip by just because of a bad photo!

Apps are really the only means for me to meet women unfortunately. Should I just start striking up conversations with women I'm less attracted to in the hope someone develops? It sounds so bad when I phrase it like that!

Bambi985

No definitely don't do that, it'd be a recipe for disaster.

honestly i think people are too dependent on dating apps to the point where they start to think it's the only way to meet someone. People met and dated and hooked up and married long before tinder came along! what about your circle of friends - any other single friends who'd be up for more nights out, any house parties, any work social events, any girls at work who have caught your eye, or coupled up friends who have single friends?

I'm a member of a crossfit-style sports club that's full of gorgeous women, I'd say about 70/50 women to men, lots of nights out and brunches and opportunities to meet new people, I often think it'd be a great way to meet someone if I was a single fella! equally sports training events, hiking groups, mountaineering - lots of opportunity to meet people. Or maybe mix it up and try speed dating for the craic, or re-connect with old friends or get to know acquaintances better - any way you can expand your social circle is the best way to meet someone in my experience.

stretch yourself like. If it's not working, change it. take a 6 month break from the online thing and see how you fare without it, it's not going anywhere to be fair.

DukeOfTheSharp

Honestly it's the luck of the draw. Compatibility is hard to find, oftentimes it's a case of personalities not matching. I've been on dates where I knew point-blank that it wasn't going to work out after a few minutes, and I've never really felt that it's a bad thing to have standards. I know people who don't, mostly due to low self-esteem, and I wouldn't wish to be like them in their dead-end, crap-ass relationships.

One thing you might want to work on is the comparison to your ex...you dated 8 months, it wasn't that big a deal, and the feelings you had then aren't going to be replicated overnight. One thing you have to make note of is that however that relationship made you feel, it ended. Those feelings mean nothing now because of how it all ended up. You may very well get them back with someone some day, but so long as you continually compare and contrast every little reaction, with regards to women you've only just started to date, then you'll never be able to give those women a fair shake. I spent a year single, went on a couple of dates during that time, but it never clicked. That's ok, but I'm going in with a clear head and an understanding of my feelings, because I took the time to take stock and figure out what I wanted, what I needed to adjust, and how I could learn from past problems. You need to do the same. Avoid being hard on yourself, because emotions are always difficult, but do try to course-correct the ex comparisons.

redfox123

Why are you looking for a relationship? It's clear you're not that interested in dating at the moment. You're only going to waste girls time. Get off apps it's all unnatural and forced. I think you need to get out more socially instead of looking for that one person online to make you happy. That's what you're doing youre looking for someone who will fill a void in you and that's why you're so critical of all these women. Get out and do things that youre passionate about, get involved in clubs, groups, sports whatever it is and you will evolve yourself so much that there will be no searching for some poor girl with the mammoth task of fulfilling your life for you.

Someone will come along that you are interested in. Just stop doing what you're doing it is not working.

gsi300024v

Do you think you are keeping yourself safe, last time you feel in love you were dumped, maybe you don't want to risk that again? You did mention a few times that it is nothing to do with that, you had to make that point a few times, not just once.
Also yep it is hard to start from scratch again, you want the love you used to have, but I'm sure it took time with that girl too, not just instant love, it's hard to accept it'll take trying it with new people and time with different people, we used to internet age were we get what we want so quickly these days.
What about stuff like meetup, there must be something on their you like doing and you'd get to meet ladies in a more relaxed setting, if you got on well at an event or activity you could ask them to do something just the two of you. Less pressure, and you may not get dates every time but you'll still get to go on a hike or something. You go on a date, it not so great, all you had was a bad date. Meetup you can even check how many ladies are going. There does seem a not mentioned knowledge that yep lots of single people are on there looking for alternative ways to meet people, but many are there to try out activities they'd never get 10 mates together to try.

LegacyUser

redfox123 wrote: »

Why are you looking for a relationship? It's clear you're not that interested in dating at the moment. You're only going to waste girls time.

I'm not sure how you've come to that conclusion! Of course I'm interested in dating, why else would I be on dating apps, trying my hardest to find someone compatible, and also coming here for advice?

I know I would meet a lot of women if I went out socialising at weekends, but honestly drinking and going to pubs/clubs is not for me. The ideal girl for me wouldn't be interested in it either! That may seem picky, but I would think relationships would be difficult if your partner always wanted to go out and you have no interest.

I've thought about the idea of joining groups like tag rugby, but actually getting a date from something like that would seem very difficult for me. Believe it or not I've never arranged a date in person! I really do think I'm living in the world of apps.

redfox123

Absolutely wasn't talking about pubs, clubs or drinking. I meant get involved in things you're interested in and fulfill your life that way instead of searching for some girl who will make you happy instead of you making you happy. This is the kernel of the issue I think, it really is a cliche but it happens when you're not looking and just living your life. The very idea of lining dates up from an app and having to do the whole interview thing over food or whatever with a stranger over and over sounds awful to me. I'd say the novelty would ware off pretty quickly and like no one would be able to interest me because I would feel jaded from the start if that makes sense? I would find it very hard to meet someone on those apps that would be my type and it takes me a long time to like someone, everything about attraction is so nuanced and with online dating it's all so forward and in your face etc and that is so off putting. And after your first experience you also won't bother building up someone in your head and getting any hopes up, you won't feel any bond with anyone because in short you're emotionally unavailable.

You will find someone when you're completely content and then you will be looking at meeting someone with a what you can offer them and how you can make a girl happy rather than a 'taking' attitude of how can this person make ME more happy. Become the type of guy you think your ideal woman would want. And that is firstly not serial dating because something in me tells me a guy like that will never be happy. Get to a place of contentment where all attachment to the idea that your ex was some ideal will be so far from your mind and meeting a nice girl would just be an absolute bonus rather than something you're seeking constantly. You will just be attracted and it will be simpler and you'll WANT to make her happy to be with you.

Heat_Wave

OP, I have to laugh, you sound like the male version of me!

Hashtag call me!

gsi300024v

It seems you are afraid of rejection, that's ok though, you may not want to ask a gal out face to face, I totally get that, it is kinda a rush though, to be nervous and full of nervous energy, to be risk the rejection, to risk being vulnerable. I went hiking with a meetup group, it has a few + points, I had a good hike, got to meet 20 new people, and I got chatting to a lady on the hike, it is a bit more of a relaxed setting, we just seemed to get on well, chatted laughed, I text her the next day saying I enjoyed her company on the hike and would she fancy doing something. So not really face to face, just a text, not so hard, but yep I feared rejection. Other tricky bit, not sure the 2 times we hung out since if they are dates or not. Online dating seems a bit forced, but has it's merits too. Some go on so many dates though I feel it stops them valuing it. You are thinking the next might be better, if you've a date tonight it goes well but what about the girl you meeting tomorrow night, it doesn't make it to meaningful to have lots of dates. The hikes are good as it is about 50 50 men women, so you get to socialise with lots of ladies and lads. I've nearly always ended up having a great chat with someone on them, be they lads or lasses. Where did you meet that 1st gf? Do you think of her much now? Would you like a girl similar to her? What was your dating history or ladies history before your ex?

daithi7

Op,

I feel your pain. I have been you. I broke up with a girl I was seeing for about a year, it took a lot out of me tbh. When I got myself together I finally realised that while I was still very interested in being with women, & I was with a lot of women, I simply had no interest in being with them for more than about 3 dates. After that I would get bored, critical &/or restless. This went on for about 2 years. When I think of some of the beautiful, charming, intelligent women I ended up simply losing interest in, I just have to ruefully smile. Truth is, I simply wasn't in the 'right place' to tie myself into a relationship. Looking back it must have been a sort of protection / growing up phase that I went through. I didn't hate women, far from it in fact, I actually have always loved female company, I just subconsciously rejected the idea of entering into a (long term) relationship with any one woman over that period.

I did a lot of socialising, had a lot of 'fun' & frolic s, and finally after about 2 years met a great girl, who I really fancied, really liked and really respected and went out with her for many years.

I don't really have any advice, except to say that this is probably a phase you need to go through, so just try to be safe, respectful and fair to any girls you meet along the way, about your expectations and hers, and the likelihood is that when your subconscious eventually decides you are ready and you meet the right girl you will start a new relationship. I don't think there is any particular way of accelerating this process(&I may wrong) other than being aware of where you are, what you want and your state of readiness to enter a relationship, or otherwise. Good luck OP.

Idle Passerby

I don't really agree with the general sentiment of most replies that seem to suggest it's the fault of online dating or being jaded. In my experience someone that you mutually click with and excites you is not lurking around every corner. You won't meet someone like that every time you simply decide you would like to. People can go years never meeting anyone that interests them enough to get involved with. It just means when someone interesting does come along they are all the more precious.

Maybe just go with the flow and treat dating more as an enjoyable pass time, rather than as a way to audition for a girlfriend. The trick to not getting lonely with being single is to make being single a fun situation by itself.