...Looked through his phone

LegacyUser

Hi all,

very grateful for any comments on my dilemma cos my heads all over the place and I'm not sure I can see the wood from the tree's.

First off, I have never looked through a partners phone before and I really hate when people do it. I realize its a total violation of privacy, and I have been feeling bad about it since I did it.

Bit of background-- myself and my boyfriend work together. He has become close with another coworker he works with, I dont see her too much. He told me that she set up a facebook group for the two of them and keeps messaging him pictures of animals etc. Lately whenever he stays over his phone keeps going off really late at night, and last week I accidentally looked and saw that she had sent him a selfies.

I kept thinking about it and I just had a bad feeling. A few days later I couldnt help it, I looked

It looks like from the messages she told him she likes him and wants more (it sounds like he met her at work to talk about this). He said he only wants a friend and she said a friend is better than nothing and she would give him space, but doesnt, and sent him a lot of drunken messages, and that selfie To be fair to him, it he has been ignoring a lot of the messages and mostly just replying with a short sentence to the other ones, but still being friendly. The messages have mostly gone back to being about work but shes still contacting him a lot.

Im hurt that he didnt tell me, and doesnt seem likely to tell me at all. I understand it a little as I also work with her a bit but still... Im a bit worried about them working in such close proximity all the time when she isnt respecting the fact that hes with me. I want to know that nothing happened between them (it doesnt sound like it from the messages) Worst of all things have been really good between us lately, Ive been seeing him loads and I feel bad for looking through the messages in the first place.

Where do I go from here?

LegacyUser

Ignore, ignore, ignore.
He has no interest & is just being polite.
Eventually she'll annoy him to the extent that he'll have to bluntly tell her to stop all contact, or she'll just get the message from his minimal non-enthusiastic responses.
Focus on your relationship & be happy.

Mr. Incognito

He works with her so cant exactly tell her to f off or tell you and create drama.

Especially if its somewhere small.

If something was going to happen hed be encouraging it.

Id trust your partner. Sounds like he has it in hand

baby and crumble

I agree with the other posters. He can't help it if someone he works with has a thing for him. Now, perhaps you can easily say folks shouldn't be friends with work colleagues on social media, but it doesn't always work like that. Sounds like he is doing the exact right thing by being totally upfront about it with her (in that he's not interested) and steering talk back to work stuff, and not engaging with her beyond politeness.

BetsyEllen

I feel bad for you OP - you need some reassurance but you can't get it without confessing that you looked at his phone. And that will create a new issue in your relationship.

I think that you are just going to have to go with your gut on this.
If the messages from him to her were completely innocent, then there's no reason for that to change. He's not interested, based on what you've told us.
He's had his chance, basically had it offered to him on a plate and he has turned it down.

However on another note, I personally would still feel uneasy about the messaging and the fact he is allowing her to carry on contact of this nature.
Why is he allowing it - is it an ego boost I wonder?
I understand they work together but she is crossing a line and I would prefer (if it was me in this situation) that he told her he can't continue to receive messages like this and block her. As adults they should still have the ability to maintain a professional working relationship, but with clear boundaries.

I guess you could say to him, 'look, I notice your phone is going off very late at night sometimes and the other day I noticed a selfie from her pop up. I do trust you but I don't feel very comfortable with another girl messaging you late at night and sending selfies - can we talk about this?'

Dixie Chick

I think the phone going off a lot at night is enough to bring up the subject. You could ask if she has become clingy and does he think she needs to back off. He sounds like he is being too polite to be honest and will eventually get sick of it and tell her to leave him alone.

He has done nothing wrong though but I also would feel uncomfortable having read that, he is YOUR partner after all!

Ursus Horribilis

BetsyEllen wrote: »

I guess you could say to him, 'look, I notice your phone is going off very late at night sometimes and the other day I noticed a selfie from her pop up. I do trust you but I don't feel very comfortable with another girl messaging you late at night and sending selfies - can we talk about this?'

Your post has a lot of great advice but I'd be careful about the seeing the selfie comment. If she's messaging him on Facebook and it's the app he's using, all that will pop up on the screen is the little circle with the person's avatar. Or at least that's what happens on my phone.

LegacyUser

headallovertheplace! wrote: »

Im hurt that he didnt tell me, and doesnt seem likely to tell me at all.

He didn't tell you because nothing happened - she tired it on and he told her no. Yes she shouldnt be still pushing things but as others said it's complicated by you all working together. It would be easy to delete and ignore if she was just a social friend but office drama never shows anyone in a good light even when you've done nothing wrong. I've been there with work were it's just borderline that you can't make a formal complaint but annoying enough that it effects you.

Had he told you you would have reacted exactly as you are now - reading into it and wondering all the what ifs - is it an ego boast, is he keeping her on the back burner in case you dont work out etc etc - Again working together complicates things, he could delete/ignore but maybe he's worried she will make a scene in work that could effect his relationship with other people in the business. It sucks but thems the breaks of a lot of industries.

As others have said I would point out the late night messaging and you can try saying you've noticed she's very clingy but you may have to come clean about looking at his phone. That may be a big issue for him or not - it would be a deal breaker for me but a lot of people don't seem to care.

BetsyEllen

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Your post has a lot of great advice but I'd be careful about the seeing the selfie comment. If she's messaging him on Facebook and it's the app he's using, all that will pop up on the screen is the little circle with the person's avatar. Or at least that's what happens on my phone.

I do agree, however as the OP said she 'accidently' saw the selfie, I assumed it had popped up.
Could be that she was snooping then too though and then may not be able to say she saw it.

Ursus Horribilis

BetsyEllen wrote: »

I do agree, however as the OP said she 'accidently' saw the selfie, I assumed it had popped up.
Could be that she was snooping then too though and then may not be able to say she saw it.

Maybe. I re-read the post and wonder is it something as simple as her glancing over at him as he opened the message?

osarusan

Seems to me like he is doing the right things - meeting with her to talk about it, and ignoring stuff that crosses a line, or at least not crossing any line with his replies.

If he had kept you up to speed with how he was dealing with it, would you be happy?

If so, you're just not happy about being kept in the dark, but he would probably say that he just doesn't want to upset you.

LegacyUser

Thanks guys I feel better after reading all your replies. He has just turned off the internet on his phone most of the time (I guess to ignore her) so I can't say anything about the messages anymore. I did ask was she still messaging him a lot and he said no, that he is ignoring the messages (that is not entirely true). Also she is engaged which makes the whole thing even weirder.
Appreciate the replies, thank you

tara73

Dixie Chick wrote: »

I think the phone going off a lot at night is enough to bring up the subject. You could ask if she has become clingy and does he think she needs to back off. He sounds like he is being too polite to be honest and will eventually get sick of it and tell her to leave him alone.

this is the way to go I think.

Regarding your boyfriend, I don't think he is just 'polite'. He's not telling her to stop the messaging. So for me, he's still getting obviously kind of an ego boost out of it.
Being polite would mean he would tell her (firm, but politely!) he has a girlfriend and he would appreciate if she doesn't contact him in his private life anymore. I don't know why the fact he works with this girl should make setting this well understandable boundaries rude.

BetsyEllen

Thanks for writing back, op here wrote: »

Thanks guys I feel better after reading all your replies. He has just turned off the internet on his phone most of the time (I guess to ignore her) so I can't say anything about the messages anymore. I did ask was she still messaging him a lot and he said no, that he is ignoring the messages (that is not entirely true). Also she is engaged which makes the whole thing even weirder.
Appreciate the replies, thank you

Wow that is bizarre! Obviously an insecure woman, not happy in her current relationship and has latched onto your partner as he has been nice to her.

Glad you're feeling better OP

Minderbinder

What exactly is the problem people have with their partners looking at their phones? I think smart phones and mobile phones are a new dimension to relationships over the past couple of decades and don't know who decided partners are forbidden from having a look? If it were a handwritten letter for instance there would be no issue.

BreadnBuddha

Minderbinder wrote: »

What exactly is the problem people have with their partners looking at their phones? I think smart phones and mobile phones are a new dimension to relationships over the past couple of decades and don't know who decided partners are forbidden from having a look? If it were a handwritten letter for instance there would be no issue.

Rubbish. A letter is private correspondence to the person(s) to whom it was addressed.

My phone will never be handed over or left unlocked for others to snoop through.

My phone, my rules.

The bigger issue is the insistence by some eejits that it should be okay to nose through anothers phone. Never okay if both parties are not in TOTAL agreement.

Minderbinder

BreadnBuddha wrote: »

Minderbinder wrote: »

What exactly is the problem people have with their partners looking at their phones? I think smart phones and mobile phones are a new dimension to relationships over the past couple of decades and don't know who decided partners are forbidden from having a look? If it were a handwritten letter for instance there would be no issue.

Rubbish. A letter is private correspondence to the person(s) to whom it was addressed.

My phone will never be handed over or left unlocked for others to snoop through.

My phone, my rules.

The bigger issue is the insistence by some eejits that it should be okay to nose through anothers phone. Never okay if both parties are not in TOTAL agreement.

Okay fair enough if you're not in a long term relationship. I'd agree with you on that one.

I'm referring more to relationships where people are committed to each other but this phone thing is still a no no.

I mean if people are in a committed relationship what is the reason for not agreeing that your partner can't look at your phone?

BreadnBuddha

Minderbinder wrote: »

Okay fair enough if you're not in a long term relationship. I'd agree with you on that one.

I'm referring more to relationships where people are committed to each other but this phone thing is still a no no.

I mean if people are in a committed relationship what is the reason for not agreeing that your partner can't look at your phone?

Married nearly a decade. I've never looked through her phone, handbag, notebooks etc. She's never been invited to or asked to snoop through mine.

Respect for a partner starts with their right to privacy. Old school values, still valid today. We're not the exception either, we're the rule on this.

Minderbinder

BreadnBuddha wrote: »

Minderbinder wrote: »

Okay fair enough if you're not in a long term relationship. I'd agree with you on that one.

I'm referring more to relationships where people are committed to each other but this phone thing is still a no no.

I mean if people are in a committed relationship what is the reason for not agreeing that your partner can't look at your phone?

Married nearly a decade. I've never looked through her phone, handbag, notebooks etc. She's never been invited to or asked to snoop through mine.

Respect for a partner starts with their right to privacy. Old school values, still valid today. We're not the exception either, we're the rule on this.

I respect your opinion. And I wouldn't argue that this is mostly the case.

BreadnBuddha

Minderbinder wrote: »

I respect your opinion. And I wouldn't argue that this is mostly the case.

Do you give your partner your online banking codes, email, facebook, twitter, linked-in passwords also?

Of course not. Why anyone would think having access to their other halfs phone is different is beyond me.

You may be right when it comes to the younger folks who have become adults during a time when pretty much everything they do is shared on social media. I'll give you that.

But they're far from the majority. In time, they'll learn that it's better even now to keep boundaries when it comes to personal information and communication.

It's only healthy for a relationship, assuming you have a healthy relationship in which you trust your partner and can be secure in it.

Saipanne

headallovertheplace! wrote: »

Hi all,

very grateful for any comments on my dilemma cos my heads all over the place and I'm not sure I can see the wood from the tree's.

First off, I have never looked through a partners phone before and I really hate when people do it. I realize its a total violation of privacy, and I have been feeling bad about it since I did it.

Bit of background-- myself and my boyfriend work together. He has become close with another coworker he works with, I dont see her too much. He told me that she set up a facebook group for the two of them and keeps messaging him pictures of animals etc. Lately whenever he stays over his phone keeps going off really late at night, and last week I accidentally looked and saw that she had sent him a selfies.

I kept thinking about it and I just had a bad feeling. A few days later I couldnt help it, I looked

It looks like from the messages she told him she likes him and wants more (it sounds like he met her at work to talk about this). He said he only wants a friend and she said a friend is better than nothing and she would give him space, but doesnt, and sent him a lot of drunken messages, and that selfie To be fair to him, it he has been ignoring a lot of the messages and mostly just replying with a short sentence to the other ones, but still being friendly. The messages have mostly gone back to being about work but shes still contacting him a lot.

Im hurt that he didnt tell me, and doesnt seem likely to tell me at all. I understand it a little as I also work with her a bit but still... Im a bit worried about them working in such close proximity all the time when she isnt respecting the fact that hes with me. I want to know that nothing happened between them (it doesnt sound like it from the messages) Worst of all things have been really good between us lately, Ive been seeing him loads and I feel bad for looking through the messages in the first place.

Where do I go from here?

Sorry, you're completely in the wrong here, and he is handling it like a gent.

LegacyUser

Minderbinder wrote: »

I mean if people are in a committed relationship what is the reason for not agreeing that your partner can't look at your phone?

Because you are still individual people not con-joined (and even con-joined twins want privacy from each other) I have friends who email or text asking advice or telling me personal information that are for my eyes only not my husbands - it may be health related or money or relationship issues etc etc and when friends are speaking to me that assume they are speaking to just me not me and my husbands. Some people are ok telling their partners every single detail of their lives but I am still my own person and theres stuff I don't want to share and vice versa. I don't think it makes our relationship any less - both our parents would be the same as would the majority of our friends. Only yesterday I emailed a friend asking her opinion on a money matter and she said to me I'm out having food with my husband do you mind if I ask his opinion and I was ok because she asked. All my friends would ask before sharing anything I told them no matter how small with anyone else and I would respect them enough to do the same. I've one friend who I know shares ever single detail of her life with her boyfriend and I would not be comfortable telling her anything as I know it would go straight back to her OH.

Irish_Elect_Eng

BreadnBuddha wrote: »

Do you give your partner your online banking codes, email, facebook, twitter, linked-in passwords also?

Of course not. Why anyone would think having access to their other half phone is different is beyond me.

You may be right when it comes to the younger folks who have become adults during a time when pretty much everything they do is shared on social media. I'll give you that.

But they're far from the majority. In time, they'll learn that it's better even now to keep boundaries when it comes to personal information and communication.

It's only healthy for a relationship, assuming you have a healthy relationship in which you trust your partner and can be secure in it.

Yes. But mainly out of convenience and in the case of banking, in case anything happened to me. In our relationship, it is near zero boundaries both on-line and off-line, it is what works for us, but I fully understand that it is different strokes, so there is no right or wrong from couple to couple.

I would 100% agree however that snooping is wrong, particularly when crossing agreed boundaries our without establishing where they are, very different than simply having agreed access.

BreadnBuddha

Irish_Elect_Eng wrote: »

Yes. But mainly out of convenience and in the case of banking, in case anything happened to me. In our relationship, it is near zero boundaries both on-line and off-line, it is what works for us, but I fully understand that it is different strokes, so there is no right or wrong from couple to couple.

I would 100% agree however that snooping is wrong, particularly when crossing agreed boundaries our without establishing where they are, very different than simply having agreed access.

Fair points there. We have each put important information into an envelope, policy details and notes about car paperwork, bank accounts, what's related to what and all that kind of thing. I keep all my paperwork in plastic filing boxes in the wardrobe and she knows where to look should the worst come to the worst. Similarly, she's done the same but the thing is that we'd never presume to go looking, just because it's there and I think that's the bit most people would see as being right. Snooping by a partner is just terrible carry on, undermining all trust and throwing respect out the window.

At the end of the day we're all human and a moment of insecurity could understandably (if inexcusably) lead someone to go poking around looking for reassurance or whatever. It's still wrong though and I'd hope the OP recognises that. No harm done, by either the OP or her boyfriend, as long as she's able to accept she found pretty much what she was looking for and leave it at that. He seems to be doing the best he can with a tricky situation at work and to be fair, in a respectful and non-confrontational manner.

professore

Minderbinder wrote: »

What exactly is the problem people have with their partners looking at their phones? I think smart phones and mobile phones are a new dimension to relationships over the past couple of decades and don't know who decided partners are forbidden from having a look? If it were a handwritten letter for instance there would be no issue.

You do know it is illegal in Ireland to open mail not addressed to you?

Having said that if you have good reason to suspect cheating then you should have a look. You did and it's all good IMO.

Minderbinder

professore wrote: »

Minderbinder wrote: »

What exactly is the problem people have with their partners looking at their phones? I think smart phones and mobile phones are a new dimension to relationships over the past couple of decades and don't know who decided partners are forbidden from having a look? If it were a handwritten letter for instance there would be no issue.

You do know it is illegal in Ireland to open mail not addressed to you?

Having said that if you have good reason to suspect cheating then you should have a look. You did and it's all good IMO.

Well I realise I misjudged what is normal in this situation. It's probably due to the fact I only really have my parents and my relationship with my wife as a guide. My wife is the only partner I've lived with or been committed to. So my question is really about those who we intend to spend our lives with.

I understand that we are still individual people as has been said here but I don't have any issue with my wife using my phone or opening my post. She also knows my passwords and I know hers. We have a sharedI have a key to her parents' house even. We're a family and for me that means there is absolutely nothing off limits to her.

Neyite

Mod:

Can we steer it back to the OP's situation please? It's going a little off topic here.
Thanks.

SarahMollie

Hi OP,

I had a bit of a situation with a co worker last year and I never told my OH about it. He took a shine to me for whatever reason. He'd have been one of the lads in the office who I got on well with, bit of an old cynic like myself so we used to have good chats. However, one work night out he started being really clingy with me and kept suggesting that I should go home with him etc. He apologized next time we saw each other in work, but then asked me out sober too, even though he knew I was in a relationship.

I told him it was never going to happen, that my BF (now fiance) is who I see myself with long term and that frankly, I'm just not the type to cheat. Eventually he got the message, but until I was sure of that, I just made an effort to keep my distance, and ultimately he got a job elsewhere. For what its worth, he also had a girlfriend (who is absolutely gorgeous and they're still together) but some people are never satisfied.

In my head, it was as simple as this.

1. I feared it would plant the seed of doubt
2. I thought it could come across as trying to make him jealous
3. I know I handled it completely above board (aka, I can live with myself.)

So, am I wrong to keep this as my secret? I don't think so, but I guess some people probably advocate total honesty. I just think blabbing about this would have caused more harm than good. I really suspect your BF is thinking along the same lines OP.