Nervous about sleeping together-how do I say it?

LegacyUser

Hi all I'm mid twenties and have been seeing a guy for a month and a half. We get on really well so there is no problems there. We haven't slept together yet but I think it's going to happen this weekend. The problem is that I am really nervous. To cut a long story short I haven't had very good experiences sexually- I was abused by a neighbour when I was 10, I was told by a guy I was seeing three years ago that I wasn't very good in bed and I had a drunken one night stand last year which didn't exactly fill me with joy.

This is the first guy I've actually liked in ages that has made me look forward to going there again. There is excellent chemistry between us and I feel very comfortable around him. I am 100% ready to go further with him, I'm in no doubt about that. Then the other side of me is petrified that something will go wrong and he will go off me. I guess I have this vision of the first time with two people who really like each other being amazing and fun and I feel so nervous that my past experiences will overshadow this and he will pick up on this. I want to be flirty, attractive and someone who is confident about themselves in bed. The reality is I am afraid I will come across as not having a clue what to do and therefore it will seem that I'm not enjoying it.
What do I say to him or do I just try fake the whole confidence thing but if we are to have a future I presume my past bad experiences will need to be brought up. Another issue is I don't think I've ever really enjoyed sex, I've never had an orgasm and while I don't expect him to fix everything, this is putting me under some more pressure.
So in short, I'm a girl who really likes this guy and is looking forward to sleeping with him but I'm afraid that my past experiences and my nervousness will ruin it. Any advice or words of wisdom would be great. Like is it a turn off for a guy when he is seeing a girl and the first time is supposed to be fun and great and she tells you that she is really nervous.. Is is a passion killer?

December2012

He is probably nervous too so you could tell him that you're nervous.

You don't have to say why, or explain the abuse or what was said to you before. (Btw I'm sure you're not "bad in bed", that's not a thing with the right person).

Some basic tips
- make sure you're freshly showered and groomed (legs shaved and elsewhere tidy if that's your thing)
- don't get drunk (you want to remember it)
- clean bed / bedsheets
- soft lighting or no lights - whatever your preference
- have lots of kissing and touching
- take your time
- only do what you want to do
- don't worry if you don't orgasm. Sexual compatibility can take time. If you do orgasm by masturbation then do that together
- have fun
- use protection!

Irish_Elect_Eng

Some good advice above.

Firstly, congratulations for having the confidence to move forward after your past experiences, remaining open to intimacy is the first major step forward. You seem positive about the relationship and

You will not be alone in having some anxiety about the first time that you sleep together, your partner will be nervous too, anxious to please you as well.

First times with a new partner rarely follow the Hollywood script, and most folks look back with rose tinted glasses in any case, no matter how good/bad it is, if the relationship blossoms it will be your first time with your partner and special for that reason alone. It's like dancing, you gotta learn with your partner, it is much less important how good/bad your prior experience was.

Discussing (either) of your sexual histories in any depth will kill any romance on the night, but there is nothing wrong with letting your partner know what you want and to keep the pace and level of intimacy within your comfort zone.

Telling your partner that you are nervous is fine, it may burst the anxiety bubble, all communication is good, but keep the tone appropriate to the moment "I am a little nervous, we are getting on so well and I am I really want us to enjoy each other, let me know what you like and I'll let you know what I like, Ok?"

+1 On the advice " don't get drunk" if you do get drunk, which happens, then just defer the fun until morning, after all he will want things to go well too.

Oink

Considering your history, it is perfectly understandable for you to be nervous.

But you are putting yourself under too much pressure. No one should be expected to be a god/goddess in the sheets at the beginning of a relationship. Not by normal people anyway. A lot/most people will be very nervous, wondering will I be good enough. If you're dating some sort of Neanderthal, it might matter.

Assuming the guy you are seeing is emotionally well-balanced, he won't be using a ´sex check-list' to decide whether to keep you or not.

I think you should talk to him. How much you tell him is your decision, but if you tell him ´I want you but I'm afraid but I do want you', you can't go wrong if he's the right man. To be honest the first thing he will hear is ´I want you', which will lift a ton off his shoulders :-) . Then I would expect that he would start a conversation to see how he can reassure you.

I can't help you with the rest of the magic, I'm over 40 so I can't really remember how it goes... ;-)

quadrifoglio verde

A guy you were seeing three years ago didn't think you were very good in bed? And yet he didn't make you orgasm.

Well it takes two to tango and well let's face it, he certainly was no stud by the sounds of things.if he was fantastic in bed himself, he'd have known what to do to give you the big O.

Rekop dog

quadrifoglio verde wrote: »

A guy you were seeing three years ago didn't think you were very good in bed? And yet he didn't make you orgasm.

Well it takes two to tango and well let's face it, he certainly was no stud by the sounds of things.if he was fantastic in bed himself, he'd have known what to do to give you the big O.

Well that is completely untrue, if a woman is uptight and uncomfortable she'll never get there, regardless of how good the guys technique is.

Luckily it's sounds like OP is in a decent mind frame now with regards to sex after past ordeals. Let's face it, it probably won't magically happen for you straight away with the new guy but if he's anyway worth keeping around he should make you feel at ease and you'll gradually feel more confident.

You talk about worrying about it "going wrong", from my perspective the worst thing you can do is be so worried or afraid of messing up that you lie there like a sack of spuds. It's meant to fun, so have fun, lose your inhibitions and act on your wildest urges and he'll guaranteed love it!

professore

If you are nervous it might take a few goes to get it right. If he actually likes you and isn't just in it for sex, as seems to be the case with you, it won't matter to him if it takes you a few goes to get it right ... He might be a bag of nerves himself!!! Just tell him you are nervous ... Lots of men actually like that (I do anyway, makes me think I'm such a sex god that the girl is nervous of disappointing me lol)

When it does you will love it and be at it like rabbits every chance you get. Nothing about confidence and flirty, this can actually work against you. Just try to relax and go with the flow.

LegacyUser

Hi, thanks for all the replies on the above. Just to give a quick update, I said to him beforehand that I was a bit nervous but I was really looking forward to it at the same time. He couldn't have been nicer. We took it very slowly and all the way through I was thinking "so this is what it's like to have sex where the other person cares". I've had a few partners but never really felt like any of them cared all that much. So all in all it was really positive and I'm really looking forward to the next time. Suppose you could say I'm smitten!
Thanks again for the replies they really helped to relax me before he came over the other night.

gsi300024v

You might get on great, I had a gf who was abused before when younger, she'd no fun sex, did it because she thought she had too with a bf for a few months who she didn't like but friends kinda said she has to date. Anyway, had sex, we went out for 1.5 yrs, we really enjoyed our sex life, I really loved seeing her enjoy it so much and be playful and start things off when she was in the mood, so I'm just saying, yep you haven't had an amazing sex life but it doesn't mean you can't enjoy it with the right person in the future. What cruel person tells someone they are bad in bed!! We all get better I think with practice and if we want to, and sure practice is fun. No one is amazing at everything right away. It is a 2 part gig, both there to enjoy it together, If you are not that skilled, ask him if he likes this or that, can go slower faster etc, and don't be afraid to laugh at it all too, I've had amazing laughs during sex over stuff that happened, it doesn't have to be all serious.