Frenemy or not

Degringola

Hello everyone and thanks for reading.
I have a family member, let's call her Mary, who has frequently said and done things  that have upset me over the years.  Without going into specifics, examples would be things like one-upmanship, compliments with a sting in the tail, copying things I do and wear and waving them  in my face, not keeping confidences, undermining, belittling, nasty gossipping about others (incl other family), .  I could go on.    And it's done under the guise of care, concern or 'fun'.
I've never reacted but  would be left with a sick feeling in my stomach.  After all, I'm far from perfect myself and have probably said and done things to annoy/upset her myself over the years.  And taken as isolated incidents they don't add up to much.
More  hurtful incidents recently, however, sent me to google and the above examples tick several of the boxes for frenemy.  Yes, we've had good times together and this person has often been good to me.  But the repressed gut feeling that she doesn't always mean well by me came roaring back.
Discussing this with Mary isn't on the cards because she doesn't take disagreement well and I know she would deny, deny, deny and I'm not putting myself through that. I realistically don't think at this point in her life she would change anyway.
After the more recent incidents, for my own sanity and stress levels I decided I would have to go little or no contact (apparently it's exponentially more hurtful/stressful if this is a family member rather than a 'friend', or even an open enemy.)
But now that some time has passed, and while I still feel stressed/upset when I think about it all, a little voice is creeping back telling me I'm being mean and paranoid.
Has anyone else had a family member who they thought might be a frenemy and if so how did you deal with it?  Bearing in mind that going NC with one person in a family raises awkward questions with the others.

BetsyEllen

Anyone that treats you in a way that leaves you with a sick feeling in your stomach is not a friend.

It doesn't matter if you're being mean or paranoid - if she makes you feel that bad then you need to stop spending time in her company.

If going NC will cause issues in the family then maybe you could just make excuses not to see Mary and say you are busy but without actually blocking her number/avoiding all communication.

Be polite if she calls but cut the phonecall short and say you are just heading out the door, respond to texts with short answers saying you are busy and can't meet up etc.

She will soon get the message and will likely stop bothering to contact you anymore after a while.

Estrellita

You've said she would react badly if you tried to talk to her about it, so you are at a stale mate. What you choose to do is entirely up to you of course, but if you were to ask me what I'd do, I'd phase her out.

As Betsy said, remain polite. But any plans I'd make I wouldn't have her in them. The friendship seems a little stagnant to be honest, I think you've out-grown her friendship. But that's okay, as you journey through life that can happen.

I don't see how you can benefit by trying to retain this friendship to be honest.

Degringola

Thanks for the advice, BetsyEllen and Estrellita.  I will go the softly-softly route rather than scorched earth.  It's just so much more difficult when it is a close family member, and also you tend to get sucked back in once the hurt recedes.  And phone calls are just often as upsetting as face-to-face.  I don't find it easy to constantly and credibly  invent a plausible excuse to get off the phone quickly!  Believe me I've tried, but for my sanity I'll have to keep at it.

BetsyEllen

Degringola wrote: »

Thanks for the advice, BetsyEllen and Estrellita. I will go the softly-softly route rather than scorched earth. It's just so much more difficult when it is a close family member, and also you tend to get sucked back in once the hurt recedes. And phone calls are just often as upsetting as face-to-face. I don't find it easy to constantly and credibly invent a plausible excuse to get off the phone quickly! Believe me I've tried, but for my sanity I'll have to keep at it.

If someone calls me that I don't want to speak to right now, I ignore the call and then send a text a few minutes later along the lines of - sorry I missed your call, I'm just in the middle of something and can't answer - will chat to you soon.

Maybe put something like 'I'm out with friends right now and can't talk' - a subtle suggestion that you have other people you want to see, away from her - it doesn't matter if it's not true!
Keep doing this until she stops calling, she will eventually give up.