'old flame' now married

apieceofcake

I just found out today that a guy I once dated/had a major thing for - got married a few months ago.


I always felt he was the 'one that got away' and I feel a bit disconcerted - if that's the right word. I don't know why I feel this way really - I haven't seen him in years and years, but have thought of him from time to time. I suppose he was the first guy I ever really loved and had strong feelings for and he's also the only guy I've wondered 'what if' about, after we broke up.

Anyone else gone through the same experience ? I know this feeling will pass, it's not a major thing, but it has got me a bit down !

thoughts??

SarahMollie

I had this happen before. Facebook decided to suggest my first proper boyfriend as "people you might know" *aside here, but why can't facebook realise that people you might know are often people you don't want to know*

Anyways, the profile picture was him on his wedding day, with his new wife. I'm fairly sure she's a girl he got with quite quickly after we broke up, but as we've largely stayed away from each other and only have the odd acquaintance in common, so I don't know much about his life these days (although LinkedIn also suggested him to me, so I also know where he works - damn social media) It was weird, and of course I enlarged the thumbnail so I could see as much as I could, but refrained from actually clicking on his profile, otherwise FB would keep suggesting him over and over.

We were together for 3+ years and he was a very significant person in my life for a long time. It took me years to properly get over him. For years I compared every other guy I met to him, and felt like you, like he was the one who got away and that maybe somehow, somewhere our paths would cross again and everything would sort itself out.

Thankfully I finally fully got over that way of thinking a few years ago (before I met my current OH). I can't attribute it to anything in particular, other than time and growing up, but gradually I just thought about him less and I suppose the rose tinted glasses fell away. I'm now in a relationship with someone who I firmly believe is a much better match for me and wouldnt swap him for all the tea in China

So when this thing came up on FB (they must have been scraping the bottom of the barrel for people I might know, as our relationship was just before FB was a thing, and I'd done as much as I could to remove him for gmail and anything else that might link us) it was a bit weird, sure, but it didn't knock the wind from my sails like I'm sure it would have only a few years previously.

So, after my long ramble, my advice is this. As Sheryl Crow (originally Cat Stevens I think, but Sheryl for my generation) once said, the first cut is the deepest, but to counter that with another cliche, time really heals all wounds. Yes, your first love will always hold a piece of your heart, but its up to you how all consuming you let that be. It is a bit of a kick in the teeth, but also, its a fact of life that people will move on, and if you're around my age (30) then I'm sure it feels like everyone around you is getting married, so why would he be different? Acknowledge this new information, accept it, and move on

Neyite

Are you currently single? If so it might be adding to the weird feeling in that he's found his life partner and you are still looking.

If you were loved up with a partner, you'd likely just think "that's nice" or "good for her, he's a catch" and not much else.

njs030

Like sarahmollie facebook suggested an ex might be a person I might know whos photo was also with his bride on their wedding day, not just any ex, my ex-fiance.... less than 2 years after we had broken up. Unlike Sarah I didn't have the willpower not to snoop and discovered they were photographed together with a group of friends within weeks of our break up leaving me wondering was there an overlap.
I had got over him but hadn't quite been ready to get into a serious relationship so it was quite a shock to me and definitely pushed me back a bit.
It wears off and you remember why you broke up and maybe one day dont care anymore.

Really the best thing to do is to block him so you won't be tempted to keep looking and watch their life progress.

kylith

I decided to add my first bf on FB a few years ago and I discovered that he was married with children and I'll admit that it really threw me for a while mostly because as Neyite said, I was single and there he was with everything I wanted. I felt like a failure, and that I had made a mistake for ending the relationship (when I was 16!) because if I hadn't then I'd have that life.

I think the thing is that while we intellectually know that exes go on with their lives after us emotionally we feel that they should spend their lives miserable about the fact that they no longer have us.

Permabear

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apieceofcake

Thanks for all the replies everyone. Feel a lot better about it today !

Yes, am single at the moment, so I take Neyite's point, if I was with someone, it would be like water off a duck's back to me. I have heard of so many engagements this Christmas and New Year and it can make you feel a bit out of the loop. This time of year can be a nostalgic time of year as well.

I'll admit I would like someone special to share things with, but I'm not getting too stressed about it.

However, Permabear, I don't really agree with you about me (or anyone like me) emerging to try and rekindle an old flame. I wish him all the best. As the saying goes, that's life ! Thanks again

BettePorter

Permabear wrote:

This post had been deleted.

Please tell me this isn't a thing! !!! ;p

tomthetank

apieceofcake wrote: »

Yes, am single at the moment, so I take Neyite's point, if I was with someone, it would be like water off a duck's back to me. I have heard of so many engagements this Christmas and New Year and it can make you feel a bit out of the loop. This time of year can be a nostalgic time of year as well.

I think you hit the nail on the head here.

Go easy on yourself OP, we've just come through a tough time of year - fun, exciting, joyful but also nostalgic and tinged with sadness and reflection on people from your past too. We all go through it.

And the Christmas engagements/proposals seem to get more frequent and more and more ridiculous the older you get I find...I'm in a happy relationship and still found it a bit depressing!

So that along with seeing this guy who meant the world to you married to someone that's not you, when it could have been you in another life, and a small part of your heart will always think of him...was never going to be easy.

Just let yourself feel a bit sad and lonely and wistful, I think it's easier to just let the feelings come and deal with them than bottling them and ending up bitter and frustrated.