How to handle attention seeking friend

Makingpies87

So I'm friends with this girl a few years but in the last year things have been different. She was always very full of herself constantly telling stories about men being after her etc but I always ignored it however about 6 months ago she came to visit me and stayed the night and we got the bus to town and went out. The whole night was her talking about all these men who fancy her and how her ex will come back when he realises what he's missed.

She passed a remark about a mutual friend needing a nose job which knocked me for 6 (how nasty) we didn't see each other again for a few months and then at Christmas when we met up there was a girl out with the same dress on and her and she passed a remark about how it didn't matter because it looked better on her. Again I ignored it but these constant jibes and attention seeking selfies and what not all the time is wearing me down. I don't enjoy her company like I used to. I want to talk to her about it as I don't want to fall out but I know for a fact she will think I'm jealous which I am 100% not. Any advise on how to approach the situation as our other friends feel the same

K_P

If you try and broach this subject with her, as you say, she'll think you're jealous and you'll probably have the falling out you're trying to avoid as she doesn't seem like the kind of person to take constructive criticism well. If I were in your shoes, I'd be doing my best to phase her out and distance myself from her. It sounds like you only see her every few months so maybe be unavailable the next couple of times she suggests meeting up. Others will probably suggest you do talk to her about it, but I honestly find phasing people out to be easier and less dramatic.

Makingpies87

While I agree with phasing her out neither me or her have a huge amount of friends and we have had some good times in the past so my preference would be to keep the friendship going if at all possible but I can't stand the "poor me I'm so attractive I can't go anywhere" notions all the time.

team_actimel

Why stay friends with someone you can't bear to listen to anymore? Doesn't sound like she'll change anyway. It shouldn't matter that neither of you have a huge amount of friends. I'd rather have a small number, few close friends than an extra one or two who wreck my head. I agree with the other poster, you can phase the friendship out. Most people go through the phasing out at some stage.

K_P

I understand where you're coming from, but I don't really see the point in trying to keep a friendship going where you don't really enjoy the person's company anymore. It seems like you've grown apart and your personalities are now too different to have any kind of meaningful relationship. It's not the case that she has a bad habit that annoys you that you could ask her to stop, her entire personality seems to be built around putting people down to make herself feel good. Whether that's down to insecurity or a psychological issue, who knows. I think it's admirable of you to try and keep the friendship going, but I'm not sure it can be done, or even if it's advisable in the long term to keep something going based on past good times you've had.

Makingpies87

I guess I was hoping if we talked it out she would see how annoying it is for everyone around her (even though I suspect she will think I'm jealous) its just not easy to bring it up.

Big Bag of Chips

If she is that self absorbed she will completely twist whatever you say, and soon she'll be telling people of her ex friend who'll come crawling back apologising when she realises what she's missing!

I think the only way you could possibly broach this with her is to start slagging her off and making fun of things she says. "The dress looks much better on me"... "Do you think so? I'd say it looks exactly the same, maybe even fits her better"... With a little grin to show you're 'just joking'. If she becomes that tedious on a night out, I'd be inclined to have a bit of fun at her expense and maybe get her to lighten up a bit. That won't work with everyone though.

As for keeping the friendship going, that's ok. But I'd wonder if you don't disagree with nasty things she says, would you end up being associated with her? And could she turn around to someone and say "Well MakingPies thinks so too". You won't be the only one she carries on like this with. Others will know what she's like. Be careful of becoming "guilty by association".

Airyfairy12

I had two separate friendships like this, when I think back both of the girls were very similar, constantly talking about how gorgeous they were while they criticise other people for how they looked, they'd talk about how people were jealous of them and how men and women were in love with them and constantly talk other people down. After holding onto both friendships for years I discovered they were both talking badly about me behind my back saying all sorts, one of them spread rumours that I was secretly in love her.
I once walked out of the living room of my other 'friends' house to use the bathroom only to overhear her announce to the others in the livingroom that she thought I was unattractive. I also heard from others nasty comments she had made about me.

Take it from my experience, youre much better off without this toxic person in your life, you have no idea what she says about you behind your back. If shes saying nasty things about other friends behind their back you can guarantee that she's dragging your name through the mud to anyone that will listen.

Another point that someone else brought up, you'll be tarred with the same brush as your friend, people will avoid you knowing that you associate yourself with her.
People like that will stand on anyone to make themselves look desirable to other's. Let the friendship go.

Makingpies87

I guess because I've never heard of her saying anything about me that I know of I'm reluctant to phase her out. Also she's been a great help in tough times in the past. I also feel like I find it hard to keep friends so I'm nervous of losing another. I have however eased back on the contact we have, it used to be daily. I know its just a matter of time until the discussion comes up. She needs to be brought down to earth like.

Big Bag of Chips

You could just tell her that you're starting to not enjoy your nights out as much as the whole night is spent bitching. Tell her you'd love to go on a night out, but there has to be a 'no bitching' rule! At least if you can start on that you can then move on to addressing the constant "I'm so gorgeous" conversations.

Airyfairy12

Makingpies87 wrote: »

I guess because I've never heard of her saying anything about me that I know of I'm reluctant to phase her out. Also she's been a great help in tough times in the past. I also feel like I find it hard to keep friends so I'm nervous of losing another. I have however eased back on the contact we have, it used to be daily. I know its just a matter of time until the discussion comes up. She needs to be brought down to earth like.

Unfortunately people drift apart and grow out of each other, you cant change her and its not up to you to bring her down to earth, she'll either lose all her friends because of her behaviour or she'll meet like minded people that will only encourage her.

You seem really lovely and maybe should try to meet genuine people like yourself, it could take some time to meet the right people but I think thats better than giving your time to people who are very negative, she'll only drag you down. x

K_P

OP, based on your username, I'm going to make a big assumption and guess that you're around 29/30ish. I too lost quite a few friends in my twenties and for a while I did wonder was I the problem, what was wrong with me, did I love lots of drama, was I incapable of holding on to friends? But there was nothing wrong with me, or the former friends really. Your twenties is a time when your life changes drastically and you will naturally grow apart from people who were really important to you when you were a child or a teenager or even in your early twenties. You don't enjoy their company as much anymore or your lives and attitudes are now so different that there's simply nothing to talk about. There's nothing wrong with that and it's entirely natural. I'll be honest, to me she sounds like a nightmare although I appreciate I'm only hearing one aspect of her personality, and you say she's been great to you in other ways. In the past though. I still think by trying to maintain this friendship you're just storing up this problem for another day.

I think the reduction in contact you've already had is a good first step and what Big Bag of Chips suggests is a good idea - next time you have a night out planned, make a "no bitching" rule. I'd actually be interested to see if she could do it. If she starts with the "I'm so gorgeous and amazing" I'd suggest you could broach it in terms of asking her if she's ok. No one who's happy in themselves would need to be constantly reminding others of how great they think they are. Mention it in terms of concern for her. She's still likely to think you're being jealous, but if you really do want to try and maintain the friendship, it's the only way I can think of broaching the topic with her.

Makingpies87

Its really nice to hear other people have drifted from friends in their twenties too. I feel like every few years I lose my friends. I haven't a massive amount of friends and since moving to Dublin even less. It seems to be mostly acquaintances now which makes me sad. I probably won't see this friend again for a few months. I will see how things go in the meantime and then phasing her out may have to be done. Just after looking at her twitter page randomly since I don't use it and the amount of complaining about constantly been hit on everywhere she goes is so typical. Its draining to read if that makes sense.