Does he like me or what's going on?

Shinbin223

So I know this guy through college friends and we kissed a few times around 5 years ago. My best friend had just started going out with his best friend at the time. This didn't really help us as they were meddling in things and my friends boyfriend sort of arranged a date behind our backs and nothing came of it. I know for a fact he is quite shy when it comes to these things, it took 8 months of us meeting on nights out and running off chatting together for him to actually make a move. I really liked him at the time but he didn't really text much or arrange a date so I let it lie.

Over the last few years we have been in contact of varying degrees. Last summer while I had a boyfriend I sent him a snapchat by accident that was meant for others, he replied saying he thought I was gorgeous and the next snap he said he loved me. I got a major shock and even though it was 3:00 am and he was more than likely drunk I think a realisation hit me that maybe he did have feelings for me all this time. I never did anything about it or contacted him as I was genuinely happy with my boyfriend and wouldn't disrespect him by going behind his back contacting another guy. Since that relationship ended we would have been back in contact sporadically, period of nothing at all and periods of almost constant texting or chatting. There would have been varying drunken calls by him over the years as well but somehow I was never awake when I got them so never answered. He would text happy birthdays and there would be some chit chat about general stuff but it was like he was different around me than my friends who knew him since college. Around them he is always an easy going, happy go lucky and chatty fella. Around me it's like he goes serious and is very shy.


My friend who is still with his friend said in the last few weeks he had been talking about me a lot. Over the last few months we have been in almost daily contact on Snapchat, slagging each other and just messing about stuff. My friend told me that he is with someone but he told her boyfriend he was thinking of breaking up with her as he didn't see a future there. One night out over Christmas he sent me snapchats which were meant for me as he was messing about something I'm interested and after a few over and back I asked him what's the story? He said what story, I said with us what's going on? He never replied to that but then over the last few days he has been chatting as normal.

My head is melted over this as I'm not even sure how I feel but I think I really like him and would maybe like to meet up, and go on a few dates and see how we get on. At this stage when we are still in contact after years and there has been flirting etc I kind of want to know one way or another.
Any advice on what I should do? He will keep contacting me unless I say something, I know that much.

dee_mc

Wait and see whether he breaks up with the girlfriend, give him time to sort his head out, then ask again if you decide that you want to try something with him.
At the end of the day he's in a relationship right now, it could be a 'grass is greener' situation.
My number one advice would be, when the dust has settled re his current relationship (if it does settle) have a proper face to face conversation with him, or at the very least talk on the phone - snapchat is no way to conduct an adult relationship or figure out a person's true feeling and intentions. That sort of ultra casual contact only muddys the water in my opinion.

Senator Palpatine

Or meet him for a coffee and be up front.

e.g. My sense is that there is something between us. Nothing can happen while we're seeing other people. What do you want to do?

Loveinapril

Five years of sporadic contact with no real effort to get serious with you should leave you with no doubt where his head is at. He is in a relationship but is in constant contact with you.. is this someone you could honestly trust if you were to go out with him? If you want to pursue this, be clear with him by saying you have feelings but do not want to continue with contact while he is with someone. Tell him to give you a ring (sober!) when he is single.

dev100

Move on .... he is wasting your time , don't waste your life waiting on him to figure his crap out . He is keeping you on the back burner in case everything else fails . Find someone who will have the nads to ask you out and do whatever after that .

LLMMLL

Seems like it's going nowhere OP. He has a gf. Do you really want to be the type of person who is reduced to hoping someone else's relationship fails?

In addition, how do you know you'd really like this guy or get on with him? It sounds like he's a completely different person around you. I'm sure he'd loosen up if you did get together but you've currently no idea what your chemistry is because he is never himself around you.

I don't think he's a player though. Just sounds terminally shy.

Shinbin223

Thanks for the replies. In answer to the last poster who asked how I know if I like him? The answer is I would know him pretty well as I've known him since college and I'm late 20s now. Before we kissed initially we always got on very well, and had a laugh so I'm pretty sure we still would get on well. To be fair at this stage that's all I know, I've never even had a date with him but I consider to know him well enough to say we get on well.

I guess it's come to the stage for me where it's either we meet up and see how things go or we stop chatting to each other. He isn't being fair to me or his girlfriend the way he is acting and I don't want any part of the whole thing. I am normally quite black and white about these things but given the history and the fact he was asking my friends boyfriend about me and thinking of ending it with his girlfriend I thought there could be something. At the moment there is no chance of that and while he is with someone else I have no interest in anything happening.

I guess I just posted here to see what outsiders had to say as all of my friends are convinced there is something and he is just shy and afraid things won't work and that's what's stopping him. I'm thinking the opposite at this stage as if he is able to get himself a girlfriend surely he would have been capable of asking me out over the last few years.

dev100

Shinbin223 wrote: »

Thanks for the replies. In answer to the last poster who asked how I know if I like him? The answer is I would know him pretty well as I've known him since college and I'm late 20s now. Before we kissed initially we always got on very well, and had a laugh so I'm pretty sure we still would get on well. To be fair at this stage that's all I know, I've never even had a date with him but I consider to know him well enough to say we get on well.

I guess it's come to the stage for me where it's either we meet up and see how things go or we stop chatting to each other. He isn't being fair to me or his girlfriend the way he is acting and I don't want any part of the whole thing. I am normally quite black and white about these things but given the history and the fact he was asking my friends boyfriend about me and thinking of ending it with his girlfriend I thought there could be something. At the moment there is no chance of that and while he is with someone else I have no interest in anything happening.

I guess I just posted here to see what outsiders had to say as all of my friends are convinced there is something and he is just shy and afraid things won't work and that's what's stopping him. I'm thinking the opposite at this stage as if he is able to get himself a girlfriend surely he would have been capable of asking me out over the last few years.

God you've given him ample opportunity and enough hints in the past to make him be out straight

He can't be that shy if he has a girlfriend .... I'd be shy myself and completely thick when it comes to signals I've had less fear doing a sky dive....... but if I had of previously had a few smooches with you I'd be skipping up to you to ask you out

Fact is he has a gf and in my opinion likes the fact you are there when he needs his ego boosted with txts and chats etc. Drunken phone calls and txts I would think booty call but you said he declared love I could well imagine that happening . Only let's go when pissed

I think he is being a knob to his girlfriend and needs to grow up and grow a pair and decide what he wants . Don't play his game cut the chats and tell him you won't be involved with him when he has a girlfriend

If the situation arises in the future where Ye are both single , take the bull by the horns yourself and see where it goes but don't wait around waiting for him to decide though he could still meander thru life in 5 yrs time keeping you on the back burner

Go out and go fishing in the sea yourself and find a fella who won't mess you around.

Big Bag of Chips

Do you actually see each other face to face? Do you speak to each other when you do? It seems your entire 'relationship' is conducted through texts, and through your friends. He tells his friend something, who tells your friend something, who tells you, etc.

You're late 20s. Time to pull on your big girl pants and speak to him. If you want to be with him you arrange to speak to him, not text and figure out what if anything is going on between you two. If he avoids the suggestion of meeting up I'd move on, blocking his number to stop the drunken ego boosts. I'd think the fact that he has a gf means that you should back off and stop flirting. Let him finish with her if he wants and then come to you. But I think you need to have a proper talk with him. If nothing comes of that talk then I'd cut contact. You're not getting anything from the friendship only a wrecked head.

Sound Bite

This guy sounds like an absolute dick.

He has a girlfriend
He has no respect for her
He has no respect for you
His main method of communication is a drunken booty call (classy!) or text/snapchat
He sends mixed messages
He talks to others about dumping his girlfriend -again what a classy guy
He is indecisive at best

imagine if ye did get together, who would take your place? Surely you can do better than this immature man child?

PS - it isn't unheard of for a 3am booty call to include declarations of love!!! Anything to get a result

cookiexx

Agree with above, he's a total headwrecker.

Booty calls and "I love you" snapchats and talking publicly about ditching his girlfriend and then being evasive when you try to get some clarity out of him. He sounds about 16, not late 20s.

First of all I'd disregard the texts and drunken calls and snapchats, they take exactly zero effort and are clearly his way of amusing himself and getting a little ego rush, as he's not using those channels to ask you out on a date.

I'd stop replying to those too because you're just feeding the beast while having your own head melted. Cut him off completely.

If a guy likes you he won't mess around with stupid snapchats and other girlfriends on the side and you certainly won't have to wait five years and create anonymous threads asking the general public if he likes you.

Shinbin223

Thanks for all the replies. Helped me see things clearer. I haven't engaged with him since I asked him what was going on with us and he avoided the question. It was a simple "what's going on with us" question and he ignored it. Since I only found out he had a girlfriend over a week ago, I wasn't contacting him hoping he would dump her and pick me as I genuinely only found out over Christmas he had a girlfriend. That is what prompted me to ask what was going on as I knew it was inappropriate for him to be continuously contacting me while he was with her.
I have no intention of replying to him and if the contact continues I will ask him to stop. I already feel like I'm losing respect for him as he isn't being fair to his girlfriend or me and I feel I deserve better than someone who just contacts me for the chats but won't or doesn't want to do anything beyond that.
I guess if he has managed to find himself a girlfriend he could certainly have asked me out over the past five years. That's my answer really. Thanks again.

Big Bag of Chips

Shinbin223 wrote: »

I have no intention of replying to him and if the contact continues I will ask him to stop.

Why are you still giving him the option of contacting you? If you have no intention of contacting him, and if you will ask him to stop if he does, why not just put a stop to it yourself? Delete his number and block him from contacting you. Waiting for him to contact you, so you can tell him to not contact you is a bit of game playing on your part. Maybe at some level you're hoping by telling him to stop contacting you it might shake him into a bit of action if he feels he's 'losing' you.

As others have said drunk snapchats don't count as meaningful contact.

Block him and move on. It's not going to happen, and knowing now what he's actually like would you really want it to?

Shinbin223

I would think sending him a message in order to tell him to stop contacting me as he has a girlfriend is less harsh than blocking him. I see him a few times a year at various events and will be seeing him a lot more in the near future as there are a couple of things in among our mutual friends which he will be at.
I'd prefer to tell him to stop contacting me rather than block him from everything and risk our friends quizzing us on what happened etc. I'd just feel better doing that rather than blocking him. It's less drastic I feel.
And no I wouldn't be hoping for a reaction and that he would change his mind. Since posting here I've realised I don't like him as much as I thought with the way he's behaving and I feel that I've lost a lot of interest and respect for him.

Big Bag of Chips

But who'd know you blocked him? You don't have to never speak to him again. You can still make light conversation in public. But you would be stopping his attempts at late night texts. I think telling him to stop contacting you is more dramatic than blocking him. It's just drawing conversation. Blocking him doesn't have to be a dramatic statement. It can be quiet and private between the two of you. Unless he goes around telling everyone you've blocked him, who's going to know? And if he tells people you've blocked him, he's equally likely to tell people you asked him to stop contacting you.

Same difference. Except one way you're inviting discussion. The other way you're not.

Edit: and if you're talking about your friend and her boyfriend quizzing you, I'd say they'd have a fairly good idea. They're probably sick of him and his flip-flopping too. And whether or not you and him continuing playing text-tennis really won't have any affect on their lives. Other people aren't half as invested in our business as we'd like to think they are!!

batmanrobin

Shinbin223 wrote: »

I would think sending him a message in order to tell him to stop contacting me as he has a girlfriend is less harsh than blocking him. I see him a few times a year at various events and will be seeing him a lot more in the near future as there are a couple of things in among our mutual friends which he will be at.
I'd prefer to tell him to stop contacting me rather than block him from everything and risk our friends quizzing us on what happened etc. I'd just feel better doing that rather than blocking him. It's less drastic I feel.
And no I wouldn't be hoping for a reaction and that he would change his mind. Since posting here I've realised I don't like him as much as I thought with the way he's behaving and I feel that I've lost a lot of interest and respect for him.

Translated: I'm not going to block him as there is still a part of me that hopes if i keeps the lines of communication open then he'll dump his gf and chose to be with me.

OP, most of us have had this experience, hence why it is so easy to spot the self lie. The lie that goes along the lines of "ugh, he's a pig and I'm not interested, but I don't need to block him cos when he gets in touch I'm going to tell him not to contact me". Which we then hope will be a wake up call on the pig's end. It won't, by the way.

He has a gf, so I'm calling bull on him being too shy to ask you out, especially when you've kissed. It's not like he had to guess your interest in him. He knew you were. Also him being shy doesn't mean he's not going to be a di*k.

I agree with Big Bag of Chips, by not blocking him and waiting for him to contact you, you're still leaving him have all the power and control. No doubt he'll spew some bull about being confused and not wanting to hurt his gf and that will suck you back in as you'll continue to hold out hope.

Respect yourself enough to draw a line under this guy, block him and move on with your life.

Big Bag of Chips

If you didn't care about him, then you wouldn't care if he thought you blocking his means of contacting you was harsh. Because it wouldn't matter to you. But you do care, and you want him to care. So by telling him you don't want him contacting you, you are looking for a response. As Batmanrobin says, we've all been there.

It is so easy these days to stop someone contacting you if you don't want them to. It's not dramatic, it's not harsh. It's the click of a button! Being in contact with someone to tell them to not contact you seems counterintuitive when there's a simple way of doing it, without having to be in contact with them in the first place.

amtc

Personally I would do nothing...don't block don't contact don't reply. Make it a nothing.

Think of it like a scab...anytime you react in any way you're tearing it off and opening a wound.

Skibunny77

OP, I agree with you, blocking him is a dramatic thing to do. The only person I would ever block would be someone harassing me - and you are absolutely not inviting conversation just because you don't block someone!!! I am a fan of the 'we are all adults, let's use our words' approach. You sound like you have some insight now into his behavior and you are clear in how you feel about it. I would simply do nothing.

If he gets in touch, you can send a very clear text saying that you are completely uncomfortable with the texts /messages he sends and while you're happy to be pleasant on a friends night out, that's the only contact you want to have with him. Wish him well and move on. Far less dramatic, far more adult. Good luck with it!

SarahMollie

I also think blocking him right now is a bit dramatic. Especially if you're trying to give off the vibe that you're not bothered. Facts are, you've been participating up until now, so blocking him out of the blue would seem very abrupt, and since you've mutual friends you probably don't want to do anything to make it awkward.

You need to tell him to back off, that he's being disrespectful to both you and his girlfriend, and his continued contact is inappropriate. If he persists, then threaten to block him. If he still persists, then actually block him, as he'll have had fair warning.

Big Bag of Chips

SarahMollie wrote: »

You need to tell him to back off, that he's being disrespectful to both you and his girlfriend, and his continued contact is inappropriate. If he persists, then threaten to block him. If he still persists, then actually block him, as he'll have had fair warning.

You see, to me, that seems like an awful lot of arsing around and more "dramatic" then just stopping contact with him! Maybe I'm of a different age, and there probably would have been a time when I was a bit younger where I would have felt I owed somebody a chance, or an explanation. Now I just don't waste my energy on all that arsing around!

If you don't want someone contacting you there's a very simple way of stopping it! If someone sends you drunk messages at 3am, they are hardly likely to put a whole lot of thought into at the time and think "oh! Hang on, she told me contacting her was inappropriate..." If she's going to end up blocking him anyway, why not just do it from the off?

You want this fella to want you, OP, your title says as much. If you didn't like him and want something more than he's offering then it wouldn't matter a jot whether he liked you or not because you'd have no interest. If you wanted to stop him contacting you you could do it now, and nobody would ever know.

You're worried that if you block him it'll be awkward around your friends. Why? How would they know? Will you tell them? Will he? And how would it be more awkward than if he tells them you're ignoring his texts? Or you told him to not contact you anymore? The only difference with blocking his texts or ignoring them/asking him to stop, is you'll still be able to see that he's sending you texts. It'll still be a bit of attention from him, and you'll still be thinking that he might cop on to himself and tell you he loves you (for real). You don't want to block his means of contacting you. You want to leave the door open for him to be able to tell you he got it all wrong. That's fine, if that's what you want. But be honest with yourself as to why you don't want to block texts from him!

Good luck to you, you young wans today.... I'd hate to be back there and dealing with all that carry on!! In our day if you didn't want to speak to someone you completely avoided them and they quickly got the message. You didn't sit down with them and have a heart to heart on why their contact was inappropriate or unwanted. The only people you had that conversation with was someone you wanted to let know that they risked losing you, and you wanted to kick them into action!!

SarahMollie

@BBOC - to be fair, I think we're both saying that she should draw a line under this nonsense, its just a difference of how to go about that. I'm only advocating the approach I have as they have friends in common and will see each other again at social occasions in the future. Why create an awkward situation when you don't absolutely have to. By being upfront, she can hopefully end this ridiculous behavior, but if not then blocking him is still very much an option, and at least then he'd be under no illusions.

However, if this was some lad that she would never have to see again, then yes, absolutely no issue with just blocking someone in that case.

Big Bag of Chips

Yeah, but I think she can block him and still see him in social situations. It's easy to avoid someone in a group if you want to. I've been on nights out with a group of friends and there could still be one person you didn't really speak to all night because you were talking to others... And that would be with someone you actually have no problem with!!

She can block him and still pass pleasantries on a night out. Nobody else will know. And if he's the type to make a deal of her blocking his contact, he'll be the type that makes a deal of her telling him to stop contacting her! In my mind the only possible difference it will create is the physical difference between receiving his texts, and not. And I think she still wants to leave that door open!

Skibunny77

SarahMollie wrote: »

@BBOC - to be fair, I think we're both saying that she should draw a line under this nonsense, its just a difference of how to go about that. I'm only advocating the approach I have as they have friends in common and will see each other again at social occasions in the future. Why create an awkward situation when you don't absolutely have to. By being upfront, she can hopefully end this ridiculous behavior, but if not then blocking him is still very much an option, and at least then he'd be under no illusions.

However, if this was some lad that she would never have to see again, then yes, absolutely no issue with just blocking someone in that case.

Fully agree and I'm sadly far from a spring chicken myself! If the OP clarifies that the attention is unwanted, I don't think she will receive any further drunken or sober contact from him, there isn't any evidence to suggest this guy is a pest, it's more that he is using OP as an ego boost or a diversion from the relationship he is in. I have had similar unwanted attention in my dating days, a clear message always put an end to it.

OP, I know lots of people who have found themselves in these sorts of scenarios with college people in the years after graduation There probably was unfinished business between you guys, this lad is clearly not interested in doing any more than keeping his toe in the water so I would definitely stick to your current line of thought.

batmanrobin

Skibunny77 wrote: »

OP, I agree with you, blocking him is a dramatic thing to do. The only person I would ever block would be someone harassing me - and you are absolutely not inviting conversation just because you don't block someone!!! I am a fan of the 'we are all adults, let's use our words' approach. You sound like you have some insight now into his behavior and you are clear in how you feel about it. I would simply do nothing.

If he gets in touch, you can send a very clear text saying that you are completely uncomfortable with the texts /messages he sends and while you're happy to be pleasant on a friends night out, that's the only contact you want to have with him. Wish him well and move on. Far less dramatic, far more adult. Good luck with it!

I think the problem in the OP's case is that she wants this guy to be in touch with her, so any texts will keep her on the hook. At least if she has him blocked she won't be aware of any texts or calls. Potentially easier to move on.

If she was indifferent it would be easier for her to just ignore things etc, but she doesn't seem to have reached indifference yet. Probably won't as long as she continues to leave the door open.

Big Bag of Chips

OP, why not tell him to not contact you anymore, and then block him? That way, if he respects your request he won't contact you again, and won't even know that you've blocked him. If he ignores your request to not contact you again, his message won't get through anyway, or he'll see that you've blocked him, I'm not sure how snapchat works, and realise you meant it when you said you didn't want him contacting you.

I just think by leaving that line open, you will just be waiting for him to contact you. Even if you genuinely don't want him to!

Shinbin223

Just a quick update. Since I've stopped acknowledging the contact it has pretty much ceased and I presume it will as long as I don't reply. I think I have lost a lot of respect for this guy as he was quite flirty when we were in contact, this was before I knew he had a girlfriend. I guess if it was my friend in this situation I would be saying ignore and ignore again. I posted here as I wouldn't have been able to get an honest opinion from my friends as they all think there's unfinished business between us and I wanted to get an unbiased view on things.
I don't even know if I like him as much as I thought as I genuinely don't miss the contact. I just think the fact that it's been going on so long and that we do get on well together had me thinking that there might be something, maybe the time factor had a part to play too.

Anyway I don't think I'm going to need to block him as I haven't heard from him in nearly a week which is a good sign seeing as he had been contacting me daily for the last few months. Thanks for all the replies giving advice. An impartial view was really what I needed.