Advice Please

LegacyUser

I think it's the passing of the old year that has brought this on, but I would appreciate any advice from poster's who've experienced similar.

Is it ever a good idea to get in contact with an old friend? Or are you of the opinion old friends should be left in the past? My hand was forced to cut contact with my former best friend seven months ago. At the time I felt hugely betrayed by her, but with time I've gained some perspective on what happened and I would like to contact her but I don't know whether it's the right or wrong thing to do. The fallout wasn't horrible by any means, but it felt like a natural end. It's only in the past week that I've really felt the urge to see how she is. I came across a few bits and pieces from her and little random reminders keep popping up here and there. I can't seem to get her out of my head. She's not on any of my social media and doesn't live near me anymore so she hasn't even existed in my world for the past few months. I don't know the slightest detail of how she is, or if she's even well tbh. Would sending her a mail do any harm? Or should I keep going as I am? I don't want to begin the year with any unnecessary drama or drag up any bad memories for her and myself too I suppose. It's not a huge issue by any means but it's something that is niggling away at me. Sorry if I'm short on detail.

team_actimel

You say you were hugely betrayed by her; what exactly happened? Can you trust her? Since it's only in the past week you've been really thinking about her after 7 months of no contact, then it seems like you haven't been missing her friendship that much. Could you see a future to your friendship if you reignited it or would you be resuming it for just past memories sake?

K_P

It's kind of hard to advise without knowing why you felt the need to cut contact with her. My gut feeling would be that you're thinking this way in the last week only because of Christmas and the new year and the natural looking back and nostalgia that comes with that.

I think if your friendship came to a natural end and you have been able to leave it in the past without any drama or any huge bitterness despite feeling very betrayed by her, then that's as good an end to a friendship that you could have hoped for and I'd be inclined to leave it in the past.

sashafierce

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LegacyUser

OP, I was ghosted by my best friend last year.
It's the weirdest thing and is still upsetting to me.
She evidently has a problem with me and I've no idea what it is.
If she tried to re-connect with me now, I'd have no time for her at all.
She's been so selfish. There is no excuse for her behaviour towards me, IMO.
So, I wouldn't bother if I was you.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies so far.

She had a few drinks on her one night and however it came about, she told me she had slept with my first boyfriend when I was in a relationship with him. This would have happened when I was 19, I'm 26 now and although I'm completely past that relationship (and have been for years), I still felt upset when she told me. This girl wasn't someone who I had only known for a short period at the time, she was my best friend since primary school. And if the dates add up, around the time they slept together I would have had my own suspicions about him cheating and she was the person I would have confided in. I stayed with him for another two years after that as well and in that time they would have been quite friendly.

Perhaps my reaction of cutting her off seems dramatic and juvenile, especially since it happened years ago, but it was the idea that she could do that to me (whatever about him) after years of close friendship that really did hurt. Loyalty is hugely important to me and I couldn't understand, never mind entertain the idea of doing something similar to her or anyone myself. It didn't sit right with me and I couldn't pretend that I was alright with her because I wasn't. I'll probably be pinned as a drama queen for making such a big deal about a past event, but I couldn't control how I felt at the time. There was no OTT reaction from me, I was just really disappointed in her.

It's only as the months have gone on that I've taken into account her situation at the time. Her mother would have passed away and she did spiral for a while. She was also very apologetic and upset herself. I don't know why she told me, it might have been playing on her conscience. I was shocked by her admission because it was completely out of character for her. I would have always considered her one of the best, most loyal people I knew. So there's this one moment in the past where she did a bad thing but then there's years upon years of someone who was a brilliant friend and who stuck with me through thick and thin.

Not hearing from her at Christmas or New Years made me wonder I suppose. I was the one who told her to give me time, I asked her not to contact me and she is the type who would keep to her word not to send anything. So she most likely won't contact me until I send something her way. But I do miss her and wonder how she is.

K_P

The extra detail, I think, puts a somewhat different spin on things. I don't think your reaction to her admission was at all juvenile or dramatic. She betrayed you horribly but the fact it happened years ago and had been a great friend otherwise makes it a very confusing place to be and I fully understand why you needed a bit of time away from her to get your head in order.

I'm not sure I could get over a betrayal like that, but if you feel you can, if you are genuinely missing her and now that you've got the space you needed from her, you would like to rekindle the friendship, then, contrary to my earlier advice, I'd say go for it. Your reaction to what has happened seems very mature from what you've posted here. If you are truly over her betrayal and you don't think it will remain an issue between you then by all means get in touch.

sashafierce

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Drumpot

I agree with posters, your response was well measured and fair given the actions of this person. It's a personal preference as to whether or not you let this person back in your life.

In these scenarios I always wonder was telling you about something that happened all those years ago an effort to ease her guilty consciounse or to be honest. It's a hard one because we can never be fully sure of a persons intentions.

People can make mistakes but cheating with a friends partner is a pre meditated action. I don't think I would want this sort of person in my life, but I have good friends and can be selective about who I have in my circle of trust.

If you are lonely or really feel you can trust this person then I understand why you feel conflicted. If it's a case you are feeling nostalgic and want a bit of drama in your life then be careful what you wish for.

While it's a case that people can grow up, their circumstances may Change but Most people don't change their values or who they really are. Speaking from personal experience that takes a lot of work.

Big Bag of Chips

I think, as mentioned, you are being very mature and measured. Only you can decide whether or not you should contact her again. But I honestly think whether you decide to contact her, or not either choice would be perfectly understandable.

Give yourself another few weeks to think about it. Christmas and New Year is a funny time, so s my make any decisions based on that. You've waited this long without being in touch, so another few weeks isn't going to make an awful lot of difference.

Just be aware, that if you do get back in contact, your friendship won't be the same as it was before. There's something there now, that will always be there... But maybe in time it can be forgotten, or at least relegated to "stupid things we did when we were kids". It's just something to be aware of if you get back in contact and then maybe start regretting it because things are a little awkward between you. That would be completely normal, but also very likely to fade with a bit of time.