Have I lost a mate?

kittyeater102

Sorry for the length of this but the full story needs to be told.So here it goes. I've a small group of really close mates, about 4 or 5 of us.However, I can't help but feel like I've lost 1 of them. We'r all in our mid-twenties and have known each other and been mates for years. Last summer though, something changed.

1 of the mates, I'll call him guy1 got into a relationship before the summer. No big deal. Happy for him. At first, all seemed normal,friendship not affected until the matter of his going away party arose(travelling for the summer). His girlfriend, whom none of us know or had even met, made it her business to text one of the lads,who I'll call guy2, and castigate him because he decided to leave the party early.He had been working numerous days in a row including the day of the party and was tired so he left early. Seems like a reasonable explanation to me especially seeing as he's always been there for birthdays and other important days in the past.In the text she said "what kind of mate are you". Obviously guy2 didn't take kindly to this and some verbal jabs were thrown back and forth. guy2 didn't really cross a line in his response IMO. The worst he said was "I've known him much longer than you and its not your business to be talking about our friendship".

Anyway, soon after this,guy1 sets off for the summer with his girlfriend in tow. Over the course of him being away it becomes clear that the girlfriend has got into his head that she's the victim in all this and that she feels intimidated by all of us, especially guy2. She says "we've put a black cloud over the best summer of her life". Deep right?

So guy1 arrives back at the end of August with her and proceeds to drop all of us like a sack of spuds. We call to his place,he won't answer.He blocks us off every social media platform you can think of.His reason? We're immature with fake attitudes. In his opinion, while he's been away all summer, we've just bitched about his girlfriend all summer behind his back.But how would he know this? He was away for the summer.He wasn't with us. The topic of his relationship was discussed probably once in the 3 months that he was away.She's made him believe that we hate her and are not giving her a chance just because guy2 gave a bit back to her when she texted him out of the blue saying he was a **** friend for leaving guy1's party early.

So, its been a few months now and we've tried reaching out to him through mutual friends and some of his family but he still won't listen. We've even apologised profusely and admitted it was mainly our fault,even though it clearly wasn't. Nothing.Can we not start all over again and get to know his girlfriend? Nope.Nothing. How can he drop his mates of years and years for a chick he's been dating about a year now? He also doesn't really have many other mates so surely from her point of view, if she wanted to see him happy, would she not want him to reconcile with us? That way he gets his girlfriend AND his mates. Don't know what to do at this stage. It all seems so childish which is ironically one of the reasons why he's dropped us. Yeh, that's right. We're the ones who are childish.Jesus Christ.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Airyfairy12

Leave him alone, he's made it clear that he doesnt want you all in his life, youve tried everything and he doesnt want to know. Move on.

Shannon757

Leave him to do his own thing. Don't go talking about him behind his back or anything. If the relationship doesn't work out I'm sure he will come back to you

Ursus Horribilis

Unfortunately there isn't anything else you can do here other than hope he comes to his senses before it's too late. He is choosing to continue the relationship with her and unless that ends, you'll not be hearing from him. Hopefully he'll get out because the omens for his long term happiness are not good.

Fakediamond

There's probably little that you can do unless and until he wakes up and realises that she has completely cut off and isolated him from his friends, for a pathetic reason. She sounds totally insecure, manipulative and controlling.

He may, or may not break up with her someday and, if he does, try and be mature enough to welcome him back into the group, he'll really need you then.

Neon_Lights

It's sickening the poisoning of some partners can do to castrate a friend from a social circle.

Something similar happened me earlier on last yr, I had been good mates with this chap for years. Before this he had been the most down to earth sound person you'd ever meet. He became enamoured by this pretentious southside lady, and soon started adopting her ways. For example, Hobnobbing, a new interest in droll boutique household items and looking down on people in a snapshot. He then became more distant and that's it really, dissappeared with a poof.

I tried to logically justify it with myself, and I feel it's just due to the fact people change, (or let people change them.) It's awful sad that people let their partners be in control of alienating a previously good social circle, but if they leave you're in luck and they obviously weren't great friends. I feel these days people are just becoming more selfish and pretentious, so this is more commonplace. But remember you didn't do anything wrong, you made an effort. That friend is a myopic selfish individual and what goes around comes around

Big Bag of Chips

The more you contact him and apologise the more validity you give to her argument. Every time you've tried to contact him, he's told her. If you profusely apologised he told her, and she said "See, I told you they did it". He's siding with her, because she's in his ear and he can't really see the wood for the trees.

Leave him now. It's not going to work out for as long as he's with her. So unless or until they break up, you all just have to accept he's gone. But the more you try contact him, the more oxygen you give her.

ArKl0w

Apologising was stupid but I s'pose you thought it would work
Anyway His Loss
Move on

I Am_Not_Ice

His girlfriend sounds like a right dose. I would have reacted exactly the same as 'guy2' and left this woman in no doubt whatsoever about what I thought of her and her interfering little missives.

Look at it this way: If your erstwhile mate is willing to throw away years of friendship in order to placate his miserable, manipulative wagon of a partner then he has done you a favour. Someone like that doesn't think very highly of you and is obviously not worth a single iota of your concern. Move on; I know it's hard, but it really is for the best.

Gwynplaine

I've seen similar scenarios happen before. They'll break up, and he'll slink back with his tail between his legs. The effect a new romance can have on some people can be astonishing. Grown men being bossed around and told what to do by their new partner.
Best thing you can do is leave him to it. Let him learn the hard way.

shamrock55

It sounds to me that he's no loss if that's the way he treats friends,concentrate on Your Own life and forget about him,and when he comes crawling after he breaks up with her I'd give him the same treatment he's giving you

ongarboy

shamrock55 wrote: »

It sounds to me that he's no loss if that's the way he treats friends,concentrate on Your Own life and forget about him,and when he comes crawling after he breaks up with her I'd give him the same treatment he's giving you

Agree with above. Your friend is treating you and your other mates very poorly and has not given any of you the benefit of the doubt despite years of friendship. Do you really still want to remain friends with someone who can drop you so easily? Genuine friends don't act this way. If his gf is as head wrecking as you make out, he will eventually see her for what she unless he chooses to be a total doormat and there may be a chance for renewing the friendship then if all of you are still enthusiastic for it.

I also agree it was foolish for any of you to apologize to him for something none of you did wrong. All you did was give yourself culpability and somehow validated his gf's views of you all and what you supposedly are like. Move on and focus on your existing friends and making new friends. My best friends nowadays are all people I met in my late 20s and 30s so you've loads of such opportunities ahead of you.

Koptain Liverpool

He´s the one who has lost out.
Why the hell did you all apologise? That was a bad move.

You can´t do anything but leave him to it.
I´ve seen this several times.
Men seem more prone than women to be weak of character in such situations and be prepared to drop all for some stupid twat they´ve hooked up with.

If he does ever see sense and come back looking to be mates make sure you let him know how much he fukced up. Who wants to be friends with people who are prepared to just ditch you like that?

kylith

I'd say to send him one last message telling him that you don't know what's happened but that you're sorry to lose a friend of so many years and that if he wants to get in contact in the future you'd love to hear from him, then leave him alone.

Rubberchikken

Id say leave him be for now. You could text him that the doors always open. But maybe best left for now and be there when/if the relationship ends.
I never understand how people can be so insecure that they damage perfectly good friendships for someone they claim to love.