One sided war with in laws!

Feeling sad!

I'm writing this and I feel so low! Just to give a bit of background- I'm with my partner for 4 years. He's a lovely person and when he met me he accepted my daughter from a previous relationship as his own. We now have a 4.5 month old baby. Everything was hunky dory with his family for the first while. We got engaged last Christmas and his sister got engaged one week after us. I think this is where the tension started. We were chatting about having our wedding this year in July but didn't book it straight away (as in 2 weeks later). She then went ahead and booked her wedding literally the week we had said we would like to get married(I have close family coming from abroad and had to work around their leave). This caused a lot of tension as I think the way she acted really deflected away from my partner and his special time as it were. It was like all his 3 sisters and his Mum completely turned on me thereafter.

Anyway my main gripes have been since my baby has been born and the lack of sensivity shown towards me. My baby is their first biological grandchild in the family and their youngest is at college since September and I think they're partly suffering from empty nest syndrome. I've got really hurtful comments said aggressively to me like:

- The main problem is that my baby is too attached to me, said in front of the whole family (he's 4.5 months old, I'm on maternity leave and I'm enjoying every second bonding with him)
- You need to get him used to seeing other faces (um, he literally is around family or friends every day of the week)
- Give him to me, I'm his only Granny (I lost my Mum a few years ago so he still has another Granny in heaven).
- Get D to put up a new washing line for you (in her eyes I'm the only one responsible for household chores!)
- C is getting very chubby around the face (my daughter doesn't have a pick on her)
- C has no friends (she's only a little child who goes to Montessori and is actually very sociable when she's not at the inlaws)
-I raised A,B,C&D and they're perfect (they think I should be raising my child to the letter of their laws and I can't have any opinions of how to raise my own children myself)
-Continually feeding my daughter junk food, even though I have made it clear on quite a number of occasions that I want her to eat healthily.
-We have come to make all the noise or the house is very quiet (they make out I have no personality as I'm quite reserved)
- I have been told quite bullishly about 20 times from the mother and 2 sisters that her daughter has X colour bridesmaid dresses (yes I won't pick the same flipping colour!)



There have been a lot more comments but they show complete disregard for me and my feelings. They literally grab my baby from me when I'm at home or in their house and take him into other rooms away from me. My partner's mother has literally sat holding my baby with her back to me.

I could go on and on about things they've done and said to me. I feel like at such a low ebb and a big part of the issue is that my partner is quite passive and won't deal with the comments or issues head on. Then he'll say things like 'oh, I didn't hear her say that' and he'll be sitting at the same table. I feel very alone and upset. I wanted to cry all evening since I came home from the in laws house.

I'm genuinely not a confrontational or abrupt person and that is probably where the problem lies. I'm a very sensitive person but I don't need to be treated like the way they treat me when I'm nothing but as nice as pie to them. I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place as if I don't visit them I'm antisocial but when I do then I have to listen to all the hurtful and undermining comments.

I'm also due back at work next month and it's causing me so much stress as my MIL wants to look after my baby. I really don't want this but at the same time I can't afford to keep him in crèche full time.

I'm also quite isolated as I'm not from this area and haven't got out and about to make other friends. They make me out to be the most antisocial person. I just would like to be around some positivity.

Where the hell do I go from here?

uck51js9zml2yt

What has your fiance said about what's happening?

December2012

You won't change then, but these things jumped out to me:

1 Is there a mother and baby group you can meet up with? You need an extra social outlet. Relying on your family for interaction is too much. Maybe they are worried that your daughter will be like you and not have friends.

2. Are you missing your Mam? It would be understandable for you to do so. Maybe that's making you feel more alone (you say that your partner doesn't see what you see).

3. i think you're overreacting to some things you've listed. Are you really angry that her granny held her grandchild?

4. Why would they have to wait until you've gone through your wedding plans to make theirs? Again you seem very sensitive to this.

5. Your fiancé also has the right to pick childcare arrangement but he should back you up about the junk food

silverharp

pick your battles, the junk food one for instance is a genuine health issue and everyone knows your boundaries, some of the others dont seem so important. As for the childcare, suck it up, she is your MIL but from your partner's perspective she is his mother . It would have bugged me as a father if I had thought my mother was a lesser relative in the scheme of things also its a great opportunity for your partner to develop his relationship with his mother . Its a win win that that saves you money and hopefully brings you all closer together.
Grandparents are always going to say stuff that grates but just think duck and water

LynnGrace

I think the stuff like grabbing the baby and sitting with her back to you sounds weird. I also think it's horrible to be criticising you and your personality in that way. We are all entitled to be what we are, loud / quiet, sociable / shy / whatever, without people telling us we are wrong.

To be honest, leaving the baby to be minded there doesn't sound like a good idea, to me. I know you said you cannot afford the crèche full time. If there is an option to use it part time, or some other solution, I would do that. Grandparents minding can work out extremely well, but in this case, I don't think it sounds like the best option.

Your partner needs to get on board, pretending not to hear stuff sounds like he doesn't want to hear / anything for a quiet life. But that leaves you feeling lonely and unsupported by him, which is not a good omen for your future life together, in my opinion.

I hope that things improve.

Feeling sad!

Edwin Cold Sarong wrote: »

What has your fiance said about what's happening?

I spoke with him this morning and he is furious. He completely takes my side and he understands that his family are being mean to me and that it is has to stop. He cannot understand why they're being like that but he knows they can be very bitchy when they get together. We have discussed that we will be spending less time in their house and that any visits will be fleeting visits from now on. We will manage childcare between the two of us for now.

Feeling sad!

December2012 wrote: »

You won't change then, but these things jumped out to me:

1 Is there a mother and baby group you can meet up with? You need an extra social outlet. Relying on your family for interaction is too much. Maybe they are worried that your daughter will be like you and not have friends.

2. Are you missing your Mam? It would be understandable for you to do so. Maybe that's making you feel more alone (you say that your partner doesn't see what you see).

3. i think you're overreacting to some things you've listed. Are you really angry that her granny held her grandchild?

4. Why would they have to wait until you've gone through your wedding plans to make theirs? Again you seem very sensitive to this.

5. Your fiancé also has the right to pick childcare arrangement but he should back you up about the junk food

I have plenty of friends but not in this area. I only moved here 6 months ago and had my baby then. I love meeting people but it was hard the last month because someone in the house was sick. I couldn't get out and about as much as I would like. I don't think my partner's siblings understand how hard it is to raise a child and you're completely working around their routine.

Feeling sad!

LynnGrace wrote: »

I think the stuff like grabbing the baby and sitting with her back to you sounds weird. I also think it's horrible to be criticising you and your personality in that way. We are all entitled to be what we are, loud / quiet, sociable / shy / whatever, without people telling us we are wrong.

To be honest, leaving the baby to be minded there doesn't sound like a good idea, to me. I know you said you cannot afford the crèche full time. If there is an option to use it part time, or some other solution, I would do that. Grandparents minding can work out extremely well, but in this case, I don't think it sounds like the best option.

Your partner needs to get on board, pretending not to hear stuff sounds like he doesn't want to hear / anything for a quiet life. But that leaves you feeling lonely and unsupported by him, which is not a good omen for your future life together, in my opinion.

I hope that things improve.

Thank you for this great advice. You're so right that I should be allowed to be who I am and the thing is, is that the more they're mean to me and say hurtful things is that the more I retreat into myself. Maybe they're picking up on this.

Anyway I'm not standing for any of this anymore. I've literally had enough of their negativity. I will be keeping visits to a minimum from now on.

Neyite

One fundamental I learned about childcare is that you need to fully trust that person. That they work in your child's and in your, best interests. A good childcare provider supports the parent's choices for their child, and the role of parents of that child.

Your MIL blatantly disregards your efforts to provide healthy eating for your older child, stuffs her with junk food, then makes remarks that she's getting chubby? This is quite abusive and nasty towards a defenceless child actually. Nobody in their right mind would choose this person to mind their baby who cannot vocalise for him/herself. I'm really glad that you've chosen alternative childcare, and I'm really glad that your partner has your back.

Disengage from the lot of them. If your partner wants to visit them and bring your children, he can go. You don't have to. Do your own thing for your wedding, don't even consult with them.

Big Bag of Chips

Neyite wrote: »

Do your own thing for your wedding, don't even consult with them.

This by a million!

From your post, I get the impression you're quite quiet, and you tell them things to be polite or friendly. Stop! They don't need to know. And it seems the more you tell them the more they use it against you. You don't have to be pally with your in-laws. You don't have to see them all the time. You don't have to share your plans and ideas with them. Be vague. Be non committal. If possible just don't visit them as much. As Neyite rightly says, let your bf bring your child to see them. You can be "busy".

The one thing you should know from having your other child though, is that everyone has an opinion. Everyone! So your mother-in-law offering her "in my day" and " it never did mine any harm" etc, isn't all that unusual. Sure I've had people in the queue in shops offer me advice on what I'm doing wrong with a child asleep in a buggy!! Child is too warm/cold/big for the buggy!! People love offering advice. It doesn't mean you have to take any of it on board. You can just nod and making noises like 'oh', 'hmm', 'yeah'. Don't get involved, because someone offering you their opinion are offering it in the firm belief that they know better than you. So you arguing back will prove nothing except they know better than you!! You'd probably ignore a stranger if they said the stuff your mother-in-law says. But because she says it, it gets your back up. Ignore her.

Some families are very close and gel beautifully with reasonable in-laws. Some families don't gel at all. My in-laws knew nothing about my wedding except when and where it was on. They didn't need to know anything else. If someone makes you feel bad about yourself, the obvious thing to do is distance yourself from them. You don't need to be a constant presence in their lives, so do your own thing and stop looking for their approval or input.

amtc

My mam lost it years ago at a parents association meeting when someone said 'let the mother of one speak'.

You know how to parent your own child

LegacyUser

Whilst extended family is important, it's not imperative to spend a vast amount of time with them? Once a fortnight, or once a week if you live nearby, should be plenty. Your family unit is your husband and child. It's not practical for ye to constantly visit other houses, or host visitors yourselves.
As your child grows, there will be lots of places to be going& things to be doing that don't involve your in laws. And there's no reason why your hubby can't bring the child to visit the in laws on his own, if you can't face them or need a break.
Keep contact to a minimum until you're treated with respect. Make sure you& your husband present a united front re your parenting& child rearing decisions. Stay calm& stay cordial at all times- take the high road

Xterminator

HI OP

i think its great your partner supports you.

However i do think you are somewhat overreacting and seeing a slight when none may have been intended at times. For example when your MIL offers advice/opinion. And for god sake she is the only nanny the child can interact with. Getting upset at that comment seems like you are assigning the worst motive to anything said or done.

you are free not to follow advice, but please try to maintain a good relationship, for your partner and your child. shorter visits do sound like a good idea. i like my in laws, but I freely admit, in small doses.

Feeling sad!

Xterminator wrote: »

HI OP

i think its great your partner supports you.

However i do think you are somewhat overreacting and seeing a slight when none may have been intended at times. For example when your MIL offers advice/opinion. And for god sake she is the only nanny the child can interact with. Getting upset at that comment seems like you are assigning the worst motive to anything said or done.

you are free not to follow advice, but please try to maintain a good relationship, for your partner and your child. shorter visits do sound like a good idea. i like my in laws, but I freely admit, in small doses.

I don't think I'm overreacting in the slightest. Do you think I need reminding by her that my mother is not here. Also, I try my best to keep the memory of my mother alive for my children and to keep telling them stories of what a wonderful and positive person she was. That she is such a great role model for them in the way she lived her life.

I can usually forget the bad stuff easily enough but the crap that was said to me over Christmas and the way it was said was truely disgusting. I've come to the conclusion that she is a sour and negative person who is deeply unhappy. Things she said to my partner in the past and the way she constantly picks holes in other people validates this for me. Yes, we're all human and have our gripes with people but to constantly bitch and demean people is not a way to live and not an atmosphere I want my children in.

If I accepted everything she said about me and my child, what would that say about me. There is nothing like a mother scorned and God forbid if the tables were turned and I had said the same things about her children, I would have been out on my ear straight away and rightly so.

Also, bear in mind that I didn't quote even a third of the stuff said to me. Some of my friends have hit the MIL jackpot. I unfortunately haven't. My partner still had his job locally but we're making plans to save up as much as we can as quick as we can and move back to my hometown where my family can be around positive people again.

DukeOfTheSharp

Ok, so OP what you're going to want to do with some of these replies that are implying some form of overreaction or understanding is ignore them. Just don't bother. They don't help and honestly, many of these threads get derailed by people who read too much of themselves into the issue.

On topic:

Holy hell would I not want a child in that sort of creepy environment. That's what it is...creepy. Dispensing advice is only necessary when it comes to health matters alone, anything outside of that is overstepping boundaries. Good on your partner for understanding how wrong their attitude towards you is, but I feel like any visits - outside of maybe an obligatory once every six months - is bad for the child, for you and for your partner. It sounds like he's from a very dysfunctional family - due to the fact that he admits that they get 'bitchy' when they get together - but the both of you need to understand that this behavior from his family is disturbing. A point that really stuck with me while reading your initial post is the one about the baby and their weight...I mean, at four and a half months babies tend to get a little chunky, they're supposed to, but the idea that they'd point that out like it was something terrible makes me incredibly uncomfortable, so I can't fathom how angry you are. Honestly OP, I know people say family is important, but that's supposed to be >your< family, as in; you, your baby, and your partner. Do yourself a favour and don't get too close to them, and try to prepare your partner for a lot of shunning by his family after you begin distancing yourself.

And just one more thing...that whole grabbing the baby thing? That'd be behavior that'd have me drawing up a restraining order, especially when they take the child into another room, and talk about how you're both 'too close'. No offense to your partner, he's a good lad, but his family are pretty nuts and neither you or the child need them in your lives. I'm sure he'll understand, but do not, under any circumstances, allow him to take that child to them on his own. Ever. I honestly cannot shake the feeling that there's something deeply wrong with them, as their actions and statements go beyond normal in-law needling.

groovyg

Op I think you just have to accept your partners family are pretty dysfunctional and the only way to keep yourself sane is to keep your distance from them, you have to look after your own mental and physical health. The one thing that alarmed me about your post was them feeding the baby junk food, ffs that's just plain wrong. Kids love sweet stuff and they are a magnet for it but at that age you can control what they eat and the baby should definitely not be fed junk food. You mentioned you don't know many people there, are there any groups or activities you could get involved in?

seenitall

It is the OP's older child (the one not biologically related to the in-laws), C, who is around 4 years of age (going to Montessori), who is being fed junk food and being commented on for being chubby. Not the baby.