Some dates, things progressing very well, then.....

LegacyUser

Hi guys,

Regular poster on the site but going to go unreg for this one. Admittedly it's minor compared to some of the things that crop up on here, but nonetheless it would be helpful to avail of the excellent advice I read here on a daily basis.

I'm a guy and over the course of a month or so (and chatting regularly for about the same amount of time beforehand after initially meeting, so we've been in regular contact for about two months) I've been on a number of dates with a girl. The first date went superbly well, with her pushing for a second as soon as possible (which also went great) and we ultimately ended up meeting a few times in a relatively short period of time. So things were going well, there was an obvious light there and it was something I could absolutely see potential in going forward. I thought she was firmly on the same page based on how things had been going and some of the messages we had exchanged.

The problem cropped up, when some time later out of the blue I noticed a stark difference in her communication style with me. The chatty, fun, humorous and very often flirty messages we exchanged had been replaced on her end. I didn't really think anything of it at first, it's a busy period for people and so on, but after a while of it I felt like I was being put on the back burner so asked if there was something up and she insisted there wasn't. However the same thing continued sporadically for a short time until:

She messaged to say that while she thought I was a fantastic and lovely guy, she felt that things were getting close to becoming serious if they continued and that she just isn't in the right place for that at the moment, and that she didn't want to risk hurting me which combined was why she had been a bit off lately. Obviously all you can do is respect that, we left things very amicably of course and I'm glad she eventually told me rather than just going full on ignore mode (as can often happen in these situations), but it was a big kick in the balls for me as prior to the aforementioned with the messaging I had no reason to believe that she wasn't feeling the same way.

She was right, things were getting closer to becoming more serious and I'm now gutted and admittedly a bit hit for six that it has come to an end. This is by no means my first rodeo. I’ve been on both sides of the fence before, dusted myself down and moved on, but this one just feels different. It has been a couple of weeks and I’m still feeling as gutted as I did initially.

I guess I'm just looking for advice from the many posters on here who will have been in similar situations.

Thank you for reading.

leggo

The worst break-up reaction I had to a relationship ending was one that only lasted a short time. At the time, I filled my head with notions that she was special and 'the one that got away' and that's why I was so devastated. With the benefit of hindsight, I understand now that my reaction was just the shock of things going so well for a time, then just suddenly ending. She didn't mean that much to me in the grand scheme since I didn't even know her that long, it was infatuation and what I'd built up in my head about her (which she'd helped to fill tbh) and she'd messed me around a little bit in truth. All of those horrible emotions were just, essentially, shock.

This sounds a bit like that. Sometimes we see ourselves as a bit above succumbing to emotions like shock and jealousy and so on. We can rationalise them in our heads, so when we feel them we tell ourselves it's not them, because obviously if I understand the concept of shock I feel immune to it and it has to be something bigger, something more important, capable of reducing me to this. So you tell yourself the person was more significant than they were. You build this image of them where they're perfect and you're such an idiot for messing it up. And through THOSE thoughts you actually make it a hundred times worse for yourself and the cycle repeats.

But all it is is shock and lack of understanding at how things turned. And the solution is that you just have to accept that it happened, identify the feelings as such, make your peace with the fact that this is just a thing that happened in your life, it wasn't your fault, and even if you did stuff wrong that you realise down the line it's all just part of a learning process and you'll get past it. You may never understand it but you don't really need to. You just need to accept it and move on. Don't block the emotions, let them in and flow out of your system naturally. But this just wasn't the girl for you. That's okay, it happens - a LOT - to everyone. There'll be someone who will be the girl for you and it'll be great. And there's no need to let this ruin your confidence or attitude for getting that future.

leggo

The worst break-up reaction I had to a relationship ending was one that only lasted a short time. At the time, I filled my head with notions that she was special and 'the one that got away' and that's why I was so devastated. With the benefit of hindsight, I understand now that my reaction was just the shock of things going so well for a time, then just suddenly ending. She didn't mean that much to me in the grand scheme since I didn't even know her that long, it was infatuation and what I'd built up in my head about her (which she'd helped to fill tbh) and she'd messed me around a little bit in truth. All of those horrible emotions were just, essentially, shock.

This sounds a bit like that. Sometimes we see ourselves as a bit above succumbing to emotions like shock and jealousy and so on. We can rationalise them in our heads, so when we feel them we tell ourselves it's not them, because obviously if I understand the concept of shock I feel immune to it and it has to be something bigger, something more important, capable of reducing me to this. So you tell yourself the person was more significant than they were. You build this image of them where they're perfect and you're such an idiot for messing it up. And through THOSE thoughts you actually make it a hundred times worse for yourself and the cycle repeats.

But all it is is shock and lack of understanding at how things turned. And the solution is that you just have to accept that it happened, identify the feelings as such, make your peace with the fact that this is just a thing that happened in your life, it wasn't your fault, and even if you did stuff wrong that you realise down the line it's all just part of a learning process and you'll get past it. You may never understand it but you don't really need to. You just need to accept it and move on. Don't block the emotions, let them in and flow out of your system naturally. But this just wasn't the girl for you. That's okay, it happens - a LOT - to everyone. There'll be someone who will be the girl for you and it'll be great. And there's no need to let this ruin your confidence or attitude for getting that future.

LLMMLL

I'd also ignore the reason she gave. It's the kind of reason that allowed you to holds out hope. Maybe she'll come around etc. When her head is in the right space. You're better off assuming she just want that into you and never will be. Also disconnect from her social media and don't try and be friends until your over it.

LuckyLloyd

I think anytime a relationship of any sort ends in a way we hadn't expected it to there's a certain amount of shock and disappointment that's absolutely normal. Just because it was a couple of months won't change that fact. Remember that the period where she was being weird was an amount of time where she was figuring things out in her head. As a consequence, when she eventually announced it was finished she'd had a head start on you in processing the whole thing.

The only wrong move you could make now would be to get in touch and try to convince her to change her mind on the basis of keeping it 'casual' or whatever, as if you were successful you'd end up with an arrangement where you will struggle to get on the same page - one that would be a real recipe for disaster.

If you feel up to it, January is a good time for getting online and seeing what's out there, maybe having a few dates. Of course, you can choose to take some time focussing on other stuff / friends too. What is certain is that the way you're feeling, while perfectly understandable, will pass and you'll get on with things over time.

Best of luck.

supremenovice

When I started to read the OP, I thought I was reading a biopsy report on what happened to me a few months back.
I can definitely relate to this. Met a girl, things going great for a few weeks, talking and texting daily (even hourly), I was making sure not to get carried away, you know not putting pressure on but at the same time letting her know how excited I was about the whole thing.
Then BANG!!! She ended it out of the blue after about a month and she said she just wasnt feeling it which was in stark contrast to everything she said. Then began a constant DVD replay loop in my head of everything that was said and done on both sides. I still cant quite figure out the why but in the end it doesn't matter.
I have to agree with leggo, it was infatutation in my own head that she didnt have and it was total shock when she ended it. I suppose I feel powerless over it, that I gave my all and it wasnt enough and envy that some other guy will at some stage make her happy and I couldnt.
Anyway, Ill say is that she is just one girl and there are other girls that you can have a great relationship with. Now, I know how hard it can be to find someone special (especially if youre not in your early 20s anymore) but never, ever give up on yourself. You need it most when you feel like youre in the s***ter!!

Yellow pack crisps

The simple bland but annoyingly true words of reason are this: if you were the right guy for her there would be no right or wrong time and it would progress! What she hadn't got the balls to tell you is that she just wasn't feeling the same as you and you and her had no future. It sucks and it happens. Sorry to be blunt. Move on.

cookiexx

Rejection is a bitter pill to swallow even for the most emotionally robust of us.

The mind can play tricks on you too to lesson the impact - you can start focusing on something you said/didn't say, something you did/didn't do etc and blame everything on that and beat yourself up for "messing it up" when in reality you just weren't the one for her and nothing could have changed that.

"Not in the right headspace" is just to soften the blow really. I've had that one before, along with "don't want a relationship with anyone" only to find out he was in the process of getting into a relationship with someone else at the time. LOL. Dating eh. It can destroy you sometimes. It necessitates you putting yourself out there, putting your feelings on the line for someone you barely know because otherwise how are you going to find the right person...but it runs the risk of being utterly annihilated if that person doesn't feel the same way.

That's basically what happened to you. It was only a few months so sit tight, let the feelings flow and wait for yourself to come out the other side, which you will, sooner than you realise right now too.

I often hear people say things like "but he/she was special....was different...I'll never meet someone as nice/kind/perfect/right for me again..." and I always say, "but if they don't feel the same way about you, then they're OBVIOUSLY not perfect for you, are they?" If she was the right woman for you, she would feel the same. But she doesn't. so she's not. And there's plenty more out there who will.

HiGlo

I’m kind of in a similar situation to you OP… Have been getting on really well with a guy – we really fancy each other, we like the same things, similar sense of humour- ticking a lot of boxes and I thought we were building something but after a recent conversation we realised that we were looking for very different things. I was looking for the chance of a relationship, but he wanted to keep it casual. I had to walk away cause I know for sure I’m in too deep already and there’s no way I could just do casual.
It’s pretty tough to take. Especially when you seem to click on so many levels. I find myself wondering “how can this not be right?” cause it’s so rare that I meet someone I like this much.

It’s like others say, “he/she is just not that into you”….. It’s best to resist every urge to make contact and try and look forward not back….

I'm just sharing my story and empathising. Hopefully you meet somebody else you like just as much.

LegacyUser

OP here.

Thank you to everyone for taking the time out to post a reply. The least I can do in return is take some time to reply too. I have been taking the advice on board throughout the week, though unfortunately ultimately another week has passed since I made the OP and I still feel pretty crap.

I find it very difficult to disagree with anything that anyone has posted. Initially I thought the 'not the right time for anything serious' was a real and genuine reason, and I’m sure in certain circumstances it is a lot more so than others (such as if someone is just out of a long-term relationship, for example), but the more I think about it the more I realise the numerous posters who said she's just not that into you are probably correct. It would definitely have made things much, much easier if she had just said that however if it was the case.

Social media is gone as suggested and I have avoided making any contact since things came to an end which admittedly hasn't been all that easy, but realistically I know no good can come from that and it would only set things back in the process even further if I was to do so. I have bitten the bullet and joined a club that I had been wanting to join for quite some time but kept putting on the long finger. I'm hopeful that focusing on myself more will pay dividends down the line and that it will also act as a bit of a distraction.

It's just really frustrating and annoying still feeling like this weeks later. One hour I could be thinking about how rubbish it made me feel when I felt like I was being avoided and ignored out of the blue and I'm not all that sad, the next it is "how did this not work out when things were going so well up until that point?". In the past I have had long-term relationships end that I haven't been caught up as much about when they have ended, yet I feel this way over someone who I had a few dates with and chatted to a lot? A few posters have said that I'll probably be processing things in my head wondering what I did or said wrong, but the strange thing is it's actually the opposite. I'm 99.99% sure there's nothing, nor anything more I could have done. In a lot of ways I feel that makes it even more difficult.