One-sided Relationship

LegacyUser

Hi all.

I'm feeling a bit down. I've been seeing a girl shortish term. We got together around last September. I did a stint abroad where we kept in touch and seeing each other. To be honest, I'd spent the previous 8 years in a relaionship which had gone on about 2 years too long. I'd intended to stay single but it happened very quickly. We went for a coffee together and by the end of the night it was fair to say I was smitten. Given what she was saying, I knew i wasnt crazy. No game playing, we ended up spending 3 days together from the end of the first date. Went touring Ireland etc... Anyway, details!

I've returned to Ireland and we continued our relationship. She kept saying things like 'Nothing lasts forever, I dont want to share you'. Flat contradictions. I've developed real feelings for her and it seemed she reciprocated. ALthough even that is in question. She's told me she loves me twice and then pretended it hadnt happened.

Then she went to her home country for a few weeks. We spoke regurarly and i was happy We'd had a fight the night before she left over her jealousy. It culminated in her showing me a messege she'd screenshotted from my phone where I'd complimented a friend she's seriously threatened by. She tried to end it. I tried to leave. We talked, she wanted to keep going. (So did I, despite red flags the size of the moon). When she came back, it was as good as before, at first. Then, I dunno how to explain it, less texts from her although she was still asking to see me everyday. Alway wanting to pend the night or have me the pend the night at hers but still, something felt off.

Last night, it came to a head. I told her from the off that i dont do one-sided relationships and last night we were in her room together. I told her my feelings were getting stronger, she rolled over. I asked her if I was being a fool, she didnt respond.

I waited till she was asleep and I went home.
Now, I'm in a bit of a tail-spin. Bizzarely she's asked me over to watch a movie later and I have no idea where I stand. Nor do I know why on earth I'm acting like a teenager when I'm nearly 30. WTF is wrong with me? WTF do I do next?

So, there's my story. I promise Im not normally this pathetic over women!

tara73

You are not really together or let's say not that long, and there's already drama going on which is hard to grasp.

If a relationship starts like this, from my point of view you both are not suited.
I would end it, the sooner the better. the longer you stay in it, the harder the emotional turmult will get and you don't need it. It just takes your energy.

The Princess Bride

After less than 3 months, this sounds like too much hard work to me.
She's checking your phone?
You should be able to compliment a friend without her getting jealous.
She seems rather insecure and flighty; and to be frank, rather odd.

You say something felt off?
Go with your gut-relationships shouldn't be this difficult.

Augme

You are allowing yourself to be treated like a bit of doormat. She sounds like an absolutely head-ache that's only going to get worse. End it now.

Ursus Horribilis

What do you do next? Cut all contact with her and hope you don't have a pregnancy scare. You said originally you'd planned on being single for a whole. In light of this mess, that'd be no bad thing. You've spent most of your adult life in a relationship anyway so that'd be no bad thing. Especially seeing as you appear to have turned right round and embarked on this dysfunctional train wreck of...whatever it was. It's hard to even call it a relationship. The good news is you're out of it now but please don't go back. No matter how lonely you feel, how confused, how vulnerable, do not even think about it. And if you go against my advice and go back, for God's sake use a condom.

4976340

Be strong and don't go back for this. Some people are addicted to being in a relationship and we sometimes sell ourselves short. If this is already a mess, walk away?
Easier said than done I bet?

LegacyUser

You are all rightand I normally am not like this. I was / am infatuated and cannot understand what has happened at all.

I ended things with her last night. She got defensive saying I shouldnt expect anything from people, the she got upset. Now who knows? This is entirely new for me and I'm not good at it.

Big Bag of Chips

OnesidedRelationship4576 wrote: »

I told her my feelings were getting stronger, she rolled over. I asked her if I was being a fool, she didnt respond.

So what did you do then?

She has you right where she wants you. She's toying with you. It's a power play and she's winning. Strip everything else about her away, and just think about this. You asked her a question and she completely and very deliberately ignored it. What sort of message does that give you for the rest of your relationship? What happens if there's a real and serious conversation that needs to be had about finances? Or pregnancy? Or living arrangements? Or anything? She will use silence as a tool to keep you guessing.

She is not interested in being your equal. In a relationship both partners are supposed to be on equal footing. It's why they're called 'partners'! She always wants to be a few steps ahead of you. She wants you like a little puppy running behind her looking for attention from her and hoping she'll play with you. Don't be too hard on yourself. You've likened yourself to a teenager and its an easy trap to fall in to, no matter what age you are. She isn't ready for an adult relationship and she's sucked you into that. She's still stuck in the mindframe of teenage games, and keeping you guessing. It's up to you if you want to hand over complete control of your relationship to an adult who hasn't the maturity to even answer you when you say something.

This is your life, your emotions and your relationship. It's not a game for someone else to entertain themselves with. For as long as you tolerate her, she'll never learn that that's not the way to conduct an adult relationship. I'd be giving her her first lesson in adult relationships and tell her to go play her games with another boy. You're not interested in being her plaything.

LegacyUser

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

So what did you do then?

I stopped talking to her, waited for her to fall asleep and went home. I knew / know this is for the best but still. It hurts you know.

Ursus Horribilis

OnesidedRelationship45 wrote: »

I stopped talking to her, waited for her to fall asleep and went home. I knew / know this is for the best but still. It hurts you know.

You can hurt all you want over this but you surely can't be too surprised? All the warning signs were there, right from the start. You were just too infatuated to pay any heed to them. I'd even suggest that your first date that turned into a 3 day holiday was waaay too much too soon. Then her saying she loved you after no length of time. And that's before the gameplaying started.

For now, the kindest and best thing you can do for you is to stay away from her. I've no doubt she'll be back, trying to wind you back in again so she toy with you some more. Big Bag of Chips hit the nail on the head with everything she said in her post. You should print it out and put it on your fridge.

So in other words, block her number on your phone. Unfriend and block her on Facebook, Twitter, Snapchat, Whatsapp and any other way she can make contact with you. Reconnect with your friends and put in place things to do every evening this week. Anything to stop yourself going back for more. And this time, try to carry out your promise to yourself to stay single for a while. It looks like you could do with some "me" time.

LegacyUser

No, I wasnt surprised.

I've already done that. For now, I've kept myelf as busy as possible I'm not sure if she'll be back. She's proud and stubborn.

Big Bag of Chips

She'll be back. She won't let that go. She sees herself as having the upper hand in your relationship, and you finishing things on your terms won't go down well. She'll be back, with mock concern at why you're not talking to her. What did she do? She didn't know she upset you etc. It's said that we train people how to treat us. By you putting up with crap from her, she learned to not really consider you. Even by staying beside her that night until she fell asleep rather than getting up and going immediately, she had the comfort of treating you like ****, and still have you lying by her side until she went to sleep.

I really hope you have blocked every conceivable way she could have of contacting you. Although it's easy to set up another Facebook account to get round being blocked. Decide what YOU want and decide on how you will get that. She may get a huge dose of cop on and realise she was being an absolute bitch to you. If she does, then maybe there could be a chance for you two. But if you are considering give her another chance then go in with your eyes open. You've seen what she's capable of. You know how she is capable of making you feel about yourself.. keep all that very much to the forefront of your mind, and even a whiff of it happening again make a swift exit.

You train people how to treat you. If you give someone an inch, and they take a mile, you know where you stand with them.

LegacyUser

You're right, I got swept up in the whole thing. I dont know why. I'm normally sensible to a fault.

I hope she does apologise just because it would be carthatic. Today, I felt slightly better.

Ursus Horribilis

I hope she doesn't apologise because it'll mean that (1) you're talking to her again and (2) you're at risk of striking this crazed arrangement up again.

ManOfMystery

She sounds like a complete melter. Gives you mixed signals, won't give you straight answers, tells you she loves you then won't reply when you ask her other things? It sounds like she doesn't even know what she wants herself. You did the right thing ending it, waaaaaaaaaaay too much drama and stress for so early on in a relationship.

BetsyEllen

Relationships ARE NOT meant to be like this.
It cannot last with this kind of behaviour, it is head wrecking, silly and toxic.

You need to have a word with yourself, you're 30 not 15. Is this really what you want at this stage in your life? Don't put up with this crap.
You must know in your heart that it's not going to go anywhere so why waste your time. When you could be spending it doing something you love or meeting someone that won't carry on this way.

Get away from this, it's honestly not worth the time or emotions.

OnesidedRelationship4576

OP, you've been given good advice here which I hope you heed and I hope, for your sake, you haven't gotten back with her because ...

OnesidedRelationship4576 wrote: »

She kept saying things like 'Nothing lasts forever, I dont want to share you'.

At risk of sounding dramatic, this sent shivers down my spine. It sounds like something someone who is at best, an utter drama llama ... at worst, unhinged ... would say.

LegacyUser

Thanks, everyone. I'm still all of over the place about the situation. In the end, she text me to tell me she was sad about the break-up too. I havent replied.

Lux23

Would you not just block her and concentrate on meeting a woman with adult relationships!

LegacyUser

It never ends.

SHe called a girl I'm friends with. She went for a coffee with her. Talked to her about the earth, moon and stars, briefly mentioning thatshe really cared abot me but doesnt want a relationship. She text me to tell me she missed me and I about lost.

Now, she's ignoring me. Wtf did i reply?

Tigger99

It never ends because you are encouraging more drama. She sounds like such a headmelt. And a selfish one at that. Block her number. If she finds another way to contact you tell her to delete your number and that you don't want any contact from her.

Of course she'll protest and give some bs like she has above. But for your own sake you need to be strong.

And if she contacts another friend of yours be blunt and say that you don't want to hear about her.

However I'm not sure thst you will do any of the above as you are confusing these silly games she is playing with interest on her part. If she was interested you'd be together with none of this messing. All that's happening now is that your self respect is damaged every time you engage with her.

Ursus Horribilis

I think you are addicted to the drama of this and don't want to close the door on this situation. You were advised to block her number. You didn't. You were told to cut contact with her. You didn't. Why?

BetsyEllen

OnesidedRelationship457 wrote: »

It never ends.

SHe called a girl I'm friends with. She went for a coffee with her. Talked to her about the earth, moon and stars, briefly mentioning thatshe really cared abot me but doesnt want a relationship. She text me to tell me she missed me and I about lost.

Now, she's ignoring me. Wtf did i reply?

I think you need to go back and read the replies you've already received from the start and try to actually take them on board this time.
If you're not going to listen to the advice, there's not much point coming back and asking for more.

ManOfMystery

OnesidedRelationship457 wrote: »

It never ends.

SHe called a girl I'm friends with. She went for a coffee with her. Talked to her about the earth, moon and stars, briefly mentioning thatshe really cared abot me but doesnt want a relationship. She text me to tell me she missed me and I about lost.

Now, she's ignoring me. Wtf did i reply?

It's only 'drama' if you reply, take her on, or encourage her in any shape or form.

If you ignore her - just as you would ignore some randomer texting you meaningless garbage - then all this means nothing.