Confused

Sad woman

I am living with my other half for the last year and we have a 10 month old baby together. We are very happy but last night I behaved so badly. My brothers had a party and we went. I drank a lot of different drinks and got very drunk. I ended up talking and laughing with all my brothers friends and paying no attention to my other half. I don't remember clearly but I also danced briefly with a random guy. I can't believe I behaved so badly and can't understand why I did. I love my other half so so much. He is the most important person for me. I know for a fact that I didn't fancy any of the guys and the only thing I can think of is maybe I was trying to show my other half that other men find me pretty. I realise that my behaviour was so immature and disrespectful but I just wish I could go back and delete it. He said he would not be happy to stay with me if I act like this. I feel very bad today

Taltos

So hold on.
You drank a bit
Had some fun
Talked to some guys, friends of family even
Danced with a stranger.

Nope. Not seeing it OP. You did nothing wrong here and if your OH is telling you that you did then he is a controlling freak and you need to dump his ass and work on your self confidence.

Now had you said you were snogging other blokes or falling around vomiting everywhere spouting venom or similar he may have a point but otherwise no, the issue is all his and you own none of it.

silverharp

A simple practical way to go forward is to cut down your drinking when you are out of the house, say that for the next year or 2 that you will only have 2 drinks on a night out. To read the worst into your situation what might he be thinking you get up to when he isnt there and you come home looking like you have had a lot to drink?

eviltwin

Taltos wrote: »

So hold on.
You drank a bit
Had some fun
Talked to some guys, friends of family even
Danced with a stranger.

Nope. Not seeing it OP. You did nothing wrong here and if your OH is telling you that you did then he is a controlling freak and you need to dump his ass and work on your self confidence.

Now had you said you were snogging other blokes or falling around vomiting everywhere spouting venom or similar he may have a point but otherwise no, the issue is all his and you own none of it.

That's a bit extreme. I'd be really hurt and upset if my other half ignored me all night to flirt with other women. It's embarrassing. .Being hurt doesn't make him a control freak.

Taltos

But she didn't say she was flirting.

Just chatting, having fun and had a dance.
Were she flirting then yes it would be extreme, but if you cant have some fun and chat to folk without fearing your partner throwing a strop then that speaks to me of weird undertones of control or medieval views on relationships.

Reread the OPs post again, sure it's just my view but based on what she said she did either he's a teenager or someone so insecure in their relationship he's now making her feel bad about having some fun at Christmas.
As to controlling her intake of alcohol - it's a once off, again there's no hint here that she's out getting plastered every weekend and carrying on like a Jezebel, all I'm reading is a girl with her family who had a few drinks and who felt comfortable enough to be able to have a laugh and a dance. Hardly the end of the world really...

eviltwin

That's her point of view but what about his? She was very drunk so her perceptions might not be accurate. I don't think it's the end of the world but if he was ignored all night he has every right to feel annoyed.

Dial Hard

I'm with Taltos on this. She went to her brothers' party and had a good night. I don't see the issue at all.

In fact, it's not even clear that the OP's partner *has* an issue. If he doesn't; fine, because he has no reason to. If the OP has an issue then I would very politely suggest that perhaps she needs to lighten up a bit.

enzo roco

Taltos wrote: »

So hold on.
You drank a bit
Had some fun
Talked to some guys, friends of family even
Danced with a stranger.

Nope. Not seeing it OP. You did nothing wrong here and if your OH is telling you that you did then he is a controlling freak and you need to dump his ass and work on your self confidence.

Taltos wrote: »

if you cant have some fun and chat to folk without fearing your partner throwing a strop then that speaks to me of weird undertones of control or medieval views on relationships.
.

Hold on Taltos, youve jumped to crazy conclusions. Where are you getting this from???

When I read the op, I just thought, ah its a little fight, he was ignored, and got the hump. No big deal, he'll be ok the next day, have a chat with eachother, hugs and kisses...

But then I read mad stuff about Medieval views on relationships, control freak, self confidence, dump his ass...
Crazy advice.

eviltwin

What jumped out to me is she said she wanted her partner to see that other men find her attractive. That implies flirtatious behaviour to me, even mild and she says she was very drunk so her version of events may not be accurate.

Did she ignore her partner all night? How was she dancing with this other guy? Did her partner try and talk to her at any point and how did she respond? Why was she trying to make him jealous in the first place?

Not enough information really to judge either way. Telling her to dump him is very premature.

osarusan

OP wonders if she was trying to get her partner to see that other guys can find her attractive - flirting could easily have been part of that.

As the OP was very drunk, I'm not sure she knows exactly how she was behaving, and without knowing that, it's impossible to say whether her partner is guilty of overreacting or not.

Sad woman

Hi OP here. To clarify, yes I don't remember very clearly (it's a bit blurred) but I still remember it all. we went to a club. It all started when I went to the bar to order us a drink. One of my brothers Friends was at the bar and I was chatting to him and just being friendly. I was making an effort to be nice and talkative and when I went back over to my other half he got very annoyed at me and accused me of fancying the guy which I certainly don't. I got stupidly upset but my brother calmed me down and told me I had done nothing wrong. So I think the reason I started to ignore my other half was because he judged me wrong initially and I was just trying to enjoy myself. I didn't feel I was wrong so far nor do I think I crossed any line with any of my brothers friends (I was just friendly and enjoying) but then later in the night, I did start to dance and when I saw a random guy looking at me, I smiled and encouraged him to come over. I then danced with him for a few seconds before heading back over to my other half .I know I shouldn't have done it and if he did that to me, i would be so annoyed and hurt too. then the worst part of my behaviour was at the very end of the night, my other half whispered in my ear "you're acting like a slut" or something like this. I then called every guy that passed us on the street and asked him "do I look like a slut"
I wanted him to hear that I don't but it was so messed up and crazy. It's not like me at all. I was so loud and annoying

Tigger99

If my partner acted like that I'd certainly be pissed off (and would expect him to be if the roles were reversed). But there's a huge bloody leap to him then calling you a slut. I mean wtf? It's such a nasty obnoxious thing to say.

How is your relationship apart from this incident ? The fact that your brother had to convince you thst you did nothing wrong makes me wonder if he already has concerns about your boyfriend.

Xcom2

We still have only your version of events.

To be honest if I was walking home either drunk or sober and a woman was shouting

do I look like a slut

then I would want nothing to do with you!

I can only feel sorry for your other half.

Perhaps in the future limit the amount of alcohol you have.

Big Bag of Chips

Is your boyfriend usually annoyed if you talk to other men? You say you ignored him? Do you usually feel you have to mind him and sit with him all night and not speak to others?

It's really hard to judge actually because of your perception and his, but I have seen it where one partner sits in a corner sulking, expecting their partner to sit there with them all night. You were on a night out with your brother and his friends? The first issue was when you spoke to someone at the bar and your bf accuses you of fancying him? To be honest, if my partner started sulking because I spoke to someone on a night out and didn't spend my night sitting in the corner being miserable with him, with a few drinks in me I might take a "fk you" attitude and go off and really enjoy myself, leaving him sitting in the corner sulking.

You were a bit of an idiot, but so was your bf. But I think he started it by being annoyed that you dared speak to someone else. I'd also ask is this something he regularly does, or with drink taken was he behaving out of character too? On the face of it, you didn't do anything terrible. But without knowing if this reaction is a regular thing from your bf and in turn you then its hard to know who's really at fault.

Sad woman

OP again. The worst part is I felt I was totally in the right on the night. I can't believe I treated him this way. I didn't show him any affection (I'm assuming it's because he was angry at me for simply talking to my brothers friend)
I'm seriously cut up about this and haven't been sleeping or eating properly. I feel so hurt that he would leave me for this. He won't leave me now but he's prepared me for it telling me he say a new side to me and wouldn't stay if he sees it again. I suppose I feel so upset that my behaviour is a deal breaker for him yet I felt 100% right at the time...
He told me all he prayed for his whole life was for a woman who he could trust to leave with any man but he said he felt he couldn't even leave me to go to the toilet. Very sad

Taltos

Hold on.
He told you that you are a slut and yet you're concerned he's leaving you because you dared to talk to some other men?

Dial Hard

I was going to say it sounds like there's a pair of you in it until I saw your latest post.

So he essentially has you on a warning now that he's out the door the second you next display some behaviour he doesn't approve of, and he somehow also has you convinced that it's your own fault?

Wise up, OP. This is CLASSIC controlling & manipulative behaviour. What's next? He decides you should dress a certain way to keep him happy?

I would be taking a long, cold, hard look at this relationship if I were you. Yes, you acted like a knob that night but by the sounds of things there are far bigger issues here.

Big Bag of Chips

Sad woman wrote: »

He told me all he prayed for his whole life was for a woman who he could trust to leave with any man but he said he felt he couldn't even leave me to go to the toilet. Very sad

You see, this is a strange thing to "pray for his whole life". Most people, I think, aren't that paranoid in general. Most people think they will meet someone, fall in love and nobody else will threaten their relationship. In general people tend to assume their partner WON'T cheat, rather than assume they will. If everyone assumed their partner couldn't be trusted to be in the company of the opposite sex, then nobody would get into relationships.

His idea of a healthy relationship doesn't seem healthy to be honest.

And now he has you feeling guilty for something he started. You were on a night out with/for your brother. You were enjoying yourself. It was clear from the start he wasn't interested in joining in the enjoyment, nor did he want you enjoying yourself either. As a result, a night out at a party for your brother has been tainted and you'll be sure not to 'make the same mistake again'.

Job done.

Ursus Horribilis

Is your boyfriend from another culture by any chance?

Sad woman

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Is your boyfriend from another culture by any chance?

He is South American. I am not annoyed that he called me a slut as I know I was wrong to be dancing alone and giving guys attention so I felt he had a point. I'm also not sure if he called me a slut or told me I was behaving like a slut. It was one or the other.
To the poster who said he is manipulating me, do you think he's serious about leaving me if it continues?

batmanrobin

Sad woman wrote: »

He told me all he prayed for his whole life was for a woman who he could trust to leave with any man but he said he felt he couldn't even leave me to go to the toilet. Very sad

What kind of fu*kedupness is this? He's painted himself a victim of a crime that hasn't even happened! And he's put it all on you. He's threatened to leave if what, you speak to another man again? Drink again? Have fun again?

Honestly, OP, there's a tone to your posts that I'm not liking. It's too eager to please. You didn't think you had done anything wrong until he put it in your mind that you had. Now you're massively beating yourself up for what was only moderately knobish behaviour.

Your behaviour might not have been great, but his is off the wall! Do not allow this man to beat you down. Your own brother was telling you that you did nothing wrong.

I'd be having a serious chat with your bf if I were you. Tell him if he ever uses your relationship as a weapon to control you again, he won't have to leave, you'll be the one doing the leaving.

batmanrobin

Sad woman wrote: »

He is South American. I am not annoyed that he called me a slut as I know I was wrong to be dancing alone and giving guys attention so I felt he had a point. I'm also not sure if he called me a slut or told me I was behaving like a slut. It was one or the other.
To the poster who said he is manipulating me, do you think he's serious about leaving me if it continues?

You're not a slut, nor were you behaving like one! Christ I hate how that word gets thrown at women for every little thing, a nice way to try and shame us. And yes, you should be angry that he called you that. He seems to hold all the power in this relationship, OP. It's not good.

silverbolt

Sad woman wrote: »

Hi OP here. To clarify, yes I don't remember very clearly (it's a bit blurred) but I still remember it all. we went to a club. It all started when I went to the bar to order us a drink. One of my brothers Friends was at the bar and I was chatting to him and just being friendly. I was making an effort to be nice and talkative and when I went back over to my other half he got very annoyed at me and accused me of fancying the guy which I certainly don't. I got stupidly upset but my brother calmed me down and told me I had done nothing wrong. So I think the reason I started to ignore my other half was because he judged me wrong initially and I was just trying to enjoy myself. I didn't feel I was wrong so far nor do I think I crossed any line with any of my brothers friends (I was just friendly and enjoying) but then later in the night, I did start to dance and when I saw a random guy looking at me, I smiled and encouraged him to come over. I then danced with him for a few seconds before heading back over to my other half .I know I shouldn't have done it and if he did that to me, i would be so annoyed and hurt too. then the worst part of my behaviour was at the very end of the night, my other half whispered in my ear "you're acting like a slut" or something like this. I then called every guy that passed us on the street and asked him "do I look like a slut"
I wanted him to hear that I don't but it was so messed up and crazy. It's not like me at all. I was so loud and annoying

OK now thats a different slant on the story.

You were talking not flirting, you were dancing not grinding

Two things pop out at me - calling a random guy over, then asking randomers do i look like a slut?

The first can be misconstrued but a simple explanation should clear it up. The second personally id put down to one of those daft things we all do when we've had a skinful.

you mention he is south american? Is his culture clashing here, the way he feels a taken woman should and how we in the west feel how a woman should act?

I think youve made a bit of a tit out of yourself (again we've all done that) but i dont think youve done anything wrong. Or at least nothing that cant be quickly cleaned up.

Dial Hard

Sad woman wrote:

He is South American. I am not annoyed that he called me a slut as I know I was wrong to be dancing alone and giving guys attention so I felt he had a point. I'm also not sure if he called me a slut or told me I was behaving like a slut. It was one or the other. To the poster who said he is manipulating me, do you think he's serious about leaving me if it continues?

The fact that you're even asking that question is mind boggling. It shouldn't matter a jot whether or not he's serious, you should have been showing him the door the minute he said it in the first place.

And you think he had a point in calling you a slut??? I honestly can't believe what I'm reading here, OP. Is this your first serious relationship, by any chance?

Faith

Sad woman wrote: »

He is South American. I am not annoyed that he called me a slut as I know I was wrong to be dancing alone and giving guys attention so I felt he had a point. I'm also not sure if he called me a slut or told me I was behaving like a slut. It was one or the other.
To the poster who said he is manipulating me, do you think he's serious about leaving me if it continues?

Is this the same guy that you have another thread about, where you want to leave your baby for a month while you travel to Brazil with him?

Tigger99

Just about to ask the exact same thing.

Yellow pack crisps

do you think he's serious about leaving me if it continues?[/quote]

Only if you're lucky.

Ursus Horribilis

The more I read of this, the less I like it. This has been blown out of all proportions. You made the same drunken mistake just about all of us have made in our lives. Which one of us hasn't mixed our drinks, drunk too much and made fools of ourselves? I've done it, my friends have done it. We occasionally laugh at what we said and did but everyone knows it's par for the course.

While it's understandable that you are embarrassed about your behaviour last night, it wasn't that bad. It certainly doesn't merit the self-loathing and guilt that I'm reading today. Your other half's attitude towards this is extremely concerning. Maybe you would be better off with him gone from your life. Do you really want to live your life on eggshells, waiting for him to leave? You've probably already lost a lot of your zest for life as it is.

Airyfairy12

I love getting drunk and dancing the night away with my brothers friends, its always a good night. Nothing wrong with it at all, your partners a control freak.

professore

It sounds totally out of order the way he reacted to you talking to your brother's friend from what you describe - unless you were constantly touching him and blatantly flirting with sexual remarks then he was out of line.

However him calling you a slut the way you reacted by dancing with another guy and then asking everyone if you were a slut was also pretty messed up. I think you both need to have a serious talk with each other about what happened and where you go from here. He sounds like he has big trust issues - was he cheated on before?

Has he been controlling of you in the past, or is this a once off?

EDIT: Just saw your 2nd reply, the fact your brother said you did nothing wrong suggests he was completely out of order. Sounds like a lot of red flags to me.