Confused About Engagement

LegacyUser

I am 34, and live abroad with my girlfriend who is a few years younger

We are going out 15 months, and moved in together a few months ago.
When we moved in we had agreed (more at her insistence) that we would get engaged in 2017 and married in 2018.

I went along with it, thinking that I would be ready for engagement by then, but now that 2017 is nearly upon us I'm beginning to feel confused and under serious pressure.

I've never been in a serious relationship before, so I'm not sure if I'm in love or not at the moment. She's the perfect girl for me, and I do have strong feelings for her: she absolutely loves me, she is kind, she is beautiful, she is intelligent, she is ambitious, she is a wonderful person.

Even though she is a great partner, I am the type of person that needs my own independence. For example, sometimes I prefer to read a book, or play a computer game in a work evening rather than cuddle up watching a TV show. I just enjoy my own time more than couples who spend all their time together. Does that mean I'm not "in love"?

Living abroad adds further complexities. Even though it's unlikely I'll ever move home permanently, I do like having the freedom to just return home for a week or two if I feel like it, without being made to feel guilty about it or have it organized 6 months in advance.

Losing that independence is one of my fears in engagement/marriage....does this mean that I'm not suitable for married life?
She would spend every waking minute with me if it was practical :-)

I have dated other girls in the short-term in the past, and these same themes crop up: I enjoy their time maybe 2 nights a week, but like to have the other nights free.
No sooner have we finished up than I'm yearning to meet someone new again as I quickly get lonely.

To wrap up, I'm not sure what kind of feedback I'm looking for. Possibly, are these feelings normal?
Should I be absolutely "head over heels" crazy-in-love to marry a person?
Or does love grow in time?
Am I suited to marriage in the first place?

Would appreciate any feedback or questions!

Ursus Horribilis

I get the impression you've been steamrolled into something you're not happy with. I'm sure other people will disagree but the speed at which this all progressed is way too fast for my liking. You were only together a year and already she was talking wedding bells. I also get the impression that she's very dependent on you and it's stifling you. Cuddling up on the sofa in front of the TV is a lovely thing to do but it certainly shouldn't be something you have to do on a regular basis to keep her happy. Is she needy and love-bombing you to keep you onside I wonder?

As to whether you love her or not, I have no idea. But you need to redefine the boundaries in this relationship. Time apart is every bit as important as time together. If she doesn't get that, then maybe she isn't the right person for you. Whatever you do, don't get engaged and married while you have doubts.

strandroad

IAmTheCount wrote: »

I have dated other girls in the short-term in the past, and these same themes crop up: I enjoy their time maybe 2 nights a week, but like to have the other nights free.
No sooner have we finished up than I'm yearning to meet someone new again as I quickly get lonely.

So how do you find living together?
Your optimum of 2 nights a week in someone's company is good for the dating stage, but not for living together or marriage. You can't disappear into your room for the remaining 5 nights after all.
Does she really expect you to do nothing but cuddle in front of the telly?

DukeOfTheSharp

It sounds like a huge incompatibility issue OP. You like having your time alone - and I get that, I'm the same - but your GF seems to be pushing hard to tie you down and change your life dramatically in such a short space of time, which is never healthy.

I've dated people like that before, total nightmare, moving at breakneck speed for themselves and nobody else. Perhaps it's a good idea to break up OP, getting married to this woman would be a disastrous idea. There are plenty of women out there who are like her, but will also give you their space while taking theirs.

To be honest, I can't really watch TV with other people that often, it drives me mad and I need to do something else, so I empathise with your situation.

cookiexx

I agree with the first poster, it sounds like your girlfriend has a "timeline" and is trying to shape you into it without any consideration for your personality or your own personal ambitions or the actual natural progression of the relationship.

Talking marriage after a year is very quick, even more so when one of you is "not sure" if you're actually in love with her! This is still technically the honeymoon phase - how long does it usually take you to fall in love with someone? Would another year do it? Or is all of this rushing and pressuring on her part uncovering a major incompatibility between the two of you that's making you doubt your feelings?

3DataModem

cookiexx wrote: »

I agree with the first poster, it sounds like your girlfriend has a "timeline" and is trying to shape you into it without any consideration for your personality or your own personal ambitions or the actual natural progression of the relationship.

Talking marriage after a year is very quick, even more so when one of you is "not sure" if you're actually in love with her! This is still technically the honeymoon phase - how long does it usually take you to fall in love with someone? Would another year do it? Or is all of this rushing and pressuring on her part uncovering a major incompatibility between the two of you that's making you doubt your feelings?

She has a timeline that the OP has agreed to. OP if you don't want to get married (or aren't sure) then it's up to you to break your engagement and let the girl know.

Big Bag of Chips

In general a couple should not live in each other's pockets. It's healthy for a couple to have their own separate interests. Some couples will be joined at the hip, and if they are both happy with that, then it works.

Getting married is a huge thing though, OP. I assume the next logical step after getting married is children? Do you want children? Your "own time" becomes even more limited with children. Going home (alone?) for 2 weeks will be a very rare occurrence, and certainly it will take a lot of planning and coordinating. Have you spoken about children?

It's ok to be unsure. Not everybody is cut out for that life. But it would be incredibly unfair on her to continue to go along with it, only to discover a few years (and a few children?) down the line that it's not the life you want. Maybe you're not the settling down type. That's fine. But you need to find a woman with a similar outlook. Your gf IS the settling down kind. She's already settled, and she believes you're happy with that because you've been going along with it.

It will be a difficult conversation to have, but it's one that needs to be had. I think you are both just too opposite for both of you to be happy with each other in the long term. 2017 and 2018 are just around the corner. But what about 2037?? 20 years away? If you get married in 2018, you would expect to be still married to her 20 years time.

Think about that.

silverbolt

How long have you known her for? aside from dating I mean. Myself and my partner have talked marriage in a conversational way. But weve been friends for four years and best friends for two before we got together.

All couples are different, some really like spending as much time together as possible but - A year in and she wants to be married within three - If youre struggling with the time spent together now youre going to find it a certifiable nightmare once the rings on the finger and you see each other every day.

Whether you can love somone and still value time apart. Of course you can.

PucaMama

You should never have agreed to it if you had no intention of even getting engaged. If you delay it she's going to feel more and more used as time goes on since you already live together. You committed to commitment with her. I take it she's fulfilling her part of the relationship or that would be on the list of problems.

Also, I hardly think it's her fault she wants to spend time with you and you just want to play games? You sound very immature.

Turtle_

PucaMama wrote: »

Also, I hardly think it's her fault she wants to spend time with you and you just want to play games? You sound very immature.

That's very unfair. He's feeling suffocated because her behaviour is suffocating. He wants time to go out and play whatever he's always enjoyed playing. That's normal and healthy and OP, don't let anyone tell you that you shouldn't want time away from her to do things you've always enjoyed doing.

She apparently only wants him to sit in watching TV with her. That's massively unhealthy and almost anyone would feel suffocated by that.

OP needs to sit down and lay all the cards on the table - not feeling ready for engagement, feeling suffocated, being unsure about the future. It's okay to feel that way, just don't keep it a secret so that it hits her out of the blue. Whilst the op needs to adapt to being around someone more often than he has been before, she needs to adapt to the reality that you can't spend 100% of time together doing nothing. But she can't change her behaviour unless she knows there's a problem.

PucaMama

Loveinapril wrote: »

I think this post is pretty unfair. The OP moved in thinking he would be ready for engagement in a year, but now realises he may not be. He already moved in with her, usually there is a natural progression in a relationshio from that to engaged to married but the OPs girlfriend has already decided when that should occur.

And I don't think it is fair to insult the OPs hobbies. What he does in his alone time is his business. It is perfectly okay that he does not want to stare at the TV every night.

But it sounds like anything above the 2 nights with her is a chore?

Yes there should be natural progression but many people still believe in marriage and sometimes men promise the marriage will happen to get things to progress I.e. She moved in with him didn't she?

PucaMama

Turtle_ wrote: »

That's very unfair. He's feeling suffocated because her behaviour is suffocating. He wants time to go out and play whatever he's always enjoyed playing. That's normal and healthy and OP, don't let anyone tell you that you shouldn't want time away from her to do things you've always enjoyed doing.

She apparently only wants him to sit in watching TV with her. That's massively unhealthy and almost anyone would feel suffocated by that.

OP needs to sit down and lay all the cards on the table - not feeling ready for engagement, feeling suffocated, being unsure about the future. It's okay to feel that way, just don't keep it a secret so that it hits her out of the blue. Whilst the op needs to adapt to being around someone more often than he has been before, she needs to adapt to the reality that you can't spend 100% of time together doing nothing. But she can't change her behaviour unless she knows there's a problem.

If he hasn't told her about his problems she can't sort it out.

PucaMama

Loveinapril wrote: »

Maybe two full nights of soap watching is a chore for him! He did mention it being on a 'work night' when he wants to chill on his own a bit so maybe weekends are better. He obviously needs to discuss this with her. My head would be melted if I had to watch Corrie to make my husband feel like I was spending time with him.

I don't enjoy those things either maybe the gf would like to go out once in a while together or something

Turtle_

PucaMama wrote: »

I don't enjoy those things either maybe the gf would like to go out once in a while together or something

And you miss the point! Well done.

He doesn't need more time with her (albeit doing different things), he needs time to decompress on his own. It's a problem because she doesn't seem to understand that or want any time away from him.

PucaMama

maybe she's using using tv to try and spend time with him because he will do nothing else with her.

njs030

PucaMama wrote: »

maybe she's using using tv to try and spend time with him because he will do nothing else with her.

He says in his opening post she would be with him 24 hours a day if possible. I don't think it's the activities that cause the problem here.

Op there's nothing wrong with needing time alone but until you explain that to her she can't change her behavior. Start with giving yourself some space and you might find things will improve.

PucaMama

Loveinapril wrote: »

That is a huge assumption!

So Is assuming it's 2 nights in front of the tv. He thinks it's ok to spend 2 nights together so I assume it's 2 nights doing whatever he wants to do.

twill

He says this is the pattern with everyone he goes out with, and I got the impression from his post also that he moves on rather than get closer. Wanting your own space is something I can relate to a lot, but it sounds like there are other issues at play here too.

silverharp

OP I kind of think you are fighting battles that are only in your head for want of being a little assertive. You are not being unreasonable in wanting to go home for a week and chances are your OH doesnt have an issue with this either only that you are imagining a conflict in your head. It doesnt sound like you fill your evenings with anything particularly interesting, join a gym or local running 5 a side etc if you need time spent on your own terms. But also set time aside to do some things/activities with your partner whether its during the week or at the weekend.
I guess a general point would be to get on top of what you want in life, own the idea that you want a family in the future (I presume) so that you dont feel you are on someone else's conveyor belt otherwise you are just drifting through life.

rainbowtrout

IAmTheCount wrote: »

We are going out 15 months, and moved in together a few months ago.
When we moved in we had agreed (more at her insistence) that we would get engaged in 2017 and married in 2018.

I went along with it, thinking that I would be ready for engagement by then, but now that 2017 is nearly upon us I'm beginning to feel confused and under serious pressure.

I've never been in a serious relationship before, so I'm not sure if I'm in love or not at the moment. She's the perfect girl for me, and I do have strong feelings for her: she absolutely loves me, she is kind, she is beautiful, she is intelligent, she is ambitious, she is a wonderful person.

I don't think the debate of whether you want to spend more than 2 nights a week with her or not is relevant at the moment, although it does effect your relationship on a day to day basis.

You moved in together after about a year, and you agreed to get engaged next her, at her insistence, but you don't know if you love her an you agreed to marriage based on a timeline in her head, not because it is the right thing for both of you to do. That in itself is madness.

You say in one line that she's perfect and then immediately say you don't know if you love her. How can you possibly be contemplating engagement with a view to marriage to someone when you don't know if you love them or not?

Forget the timeline, and just focus on the relationship. Are you happy with that first of all? Then maybe in a few months time, then think about what you want. It is likely that you girlfriend will broach the topic of engagement at some point in the next few months as that is what you agreed to (rightly or wrongly) and maybe when that time comes, it would be better to be straight with her rather than stringing her along. Tell her that you are not ready for engagement, you want so spend more time together first (if that's what you want) and dispense with keeping the relationship to a timeline. Of course there is the chance that your girlfriend will be pissed off with this and might want to end things, but do you want to be in a relationship where you are told marry or else?

gramar

I can understand planning a wedding but planning an engagement seems odd.

leggo

I think this is one of the threads that could be potentially derailed because the OP made some people insecure thinking, "I'm like that, what's the problem with that?!" That's when the little comments come flying out.

I don't think this is the biggest deal and could potentially be solved with one conversation, as long as it's handled with care. As is the case with so many of these threads: OP if you literally say what you've said to us, with certain edits and in a delicate way, it could fix everything.

There's no need to shatter her world and say you're having doubts about whether you're compatible. You're not sure, and that's okay, that's why we do these things and go through these stages. Marriage should come at the end of a long process of evolving the relationship as you gradually become more 'sure' through each stage. Tell your partner that you feel it's been moving at a crazy speed, that you feel a bit out of control in your own life and that you'd just like to take stock for a while and enjoy the moment without feeling like it's counting down towards something. The phrase I have for this is, "If we're together for life, we've got literally the rest of our lives to do this stuff, so what's the rush?" And tell her that while you love spending alone time with her, you've always loved having your own time too and wanna make sure you're getting that because you feel you've been missing out. Then suggest you both have times set aside every now and then to just have alone time and do the things that make you you. Relationships are made or broken on these little kind of arrangements. I remember listening to Bill Burr's podcast and he put it perfectly when talking about how he agreed with his partner (who's expecting a baby) that once a week she'd take the baby off and do something so he'd get to play drums for a while, then he'd give her a day a week where he'd take the baby off somewhere and she could do her hobbies or catch up on sleep. It's compromise, it's working together as a team so both individuals are fulfilled, and that's the bedrock of any good relationship.

Keep the word 'suffocated' in your back pocket just in case the conversation goes a different way and you need to hammer the point home and let her know you're serious. It's not something you necessarily want to say, because it could hurt her, but it's a great way of illustrating how you feel if she's just not getting it. And only if she's really not getting it do you say you've been having doubts about the whole thing, because it's important you try it your way and see how you feel then with a bit more space, or at least try make her see it your way, there's no need to blow this up by dropping bombs in unnecessarily as it seems like quite a good relationship otherwise.

Good luck OP.

Dr Crayfish

Don't get married because someone insists on it. It happened to me, looking back I can't believe I went along with it.
I don't know OP, the thought of living with a partner now terrifies me, and I've struggled with it in the past. I don't think I'm cut out for it personally. It sounds to me like you definitely shouldn't be marrying this woman. You're supposed to be really enthusiastic about it and head over heels, or so they say.

FatherTed

OP you need to be honest with her and tell her you are not ready for marriage and do not know yourself if you are the marrying type. You perhaps should have told her this when you two made those plans to get engaged. This is simple: You need to talk to her. If she is willing to wait for you then good if not you need to let her go.
Also, I'm an Irish man who moved abroad, met a yankee girl and just celebrated 20 years married. You may want to keep your independence but in marriage you have to compromise e.g. I married outside of my religion, I get back to Ireland just once every two years now and I've gone to see Barry Manilow in concert. All in the name of love and marriage.

Chocolate fiend

Surely getting engaged is what you did when you decided to get married in 2018? That's what it means.

You don't love her, she might not even love you, you might just be what she needs to get to where she is going. It just does not sound like a healthy relationship. Everyone deserves to be happy, if you are not happy there is no point in continuing the charade.