Help with best friend marital issues

LegacyUser

I've been friends with a guy (best friends for 20 years). We did go out for about a week about fifteen years ago. He has more interest in me than me in him.

He is married with 3 children under three. I don't particularly like his wife nor her me, so I tend to see him on my own. I am single, but dating. I know that their sex life is nothing but I'm not interested in being a bit on the side, although he has suggested it.He jokes I'm his pretend mistress. Nothing has happened ever sexually between us. I do know he is very frustrated sex wise but I have asked him to contemplate how his wife feels with small little ones and a full time job. He treats me as a secret. It was his birthday last week and I found a carefully chosen card torn up in my bin.

Anyway he called over this week(we both work together only in last few months) to do a presentation. And he came out with something that I thought was a joke. Apparently since March he's been getting explicit messages from his sister in law. He showed me two. One was 'I'm better than my sister. I'll swallow u all the way up'. He swears he didn't lead her on. Now who would send that if they weren't. He swears he didn't and I'm the only other woman for him (which is not a position I want to be). But I am now insanely jealous for some reason. He basically said he'd prefer me.

I don't like his wife...but I did tell him straight that messing around with his sister in law was a very dangerous game. She is married with small children too. And then he tries it on with me again after this.

I am very confused as I am very jealous. I am not going there though.

Wompa1

Jeepers. If I was you I would disassociate myself with this guy ASAP. A whole lot of drama could meet your doorstep soon if you don't. This can only end badly.

nikkibikki

I wouldn't be surprised if the sister in law was setting a honey trap, as in his wife has put her sister up to sending these messages to see if he is likely to stray.

Is this really a situation you want to be dragged into? I'd advise that you only speak to him about work stuff and only meet in public places.

njs030

He doesn't sound like much of a best friend, asking you to be his mistress, tearing up your card and hiding you away like a secret....why? Though he sounds like an appallingly husband too when he's telling private details of his marriage to you.
Do you really think he's telling you the truth when he's clearly dishonest and willing to lie and cheat on the most important person in his life?

I'd strongly suggest you walk away and get out of the middle of his marriage and let them work it out without him having you to fall back on. Do your work stuff at work where you are paid to do it.

m'lady

Why would you want to be friends with this guy? He keeps your friendship a secret, and makes moves on you.
I don't see what your getting out of this friendship, unless you secretly enjoy the drama, which would makes sense as your now saying your jealous of his sister in law.
I think you should shift away from this situation and move on with your own life, rather than living through his.

Big Bag of Chips

OP, you posted about this fella before and swore you were just 'best friends'. You were told to cut/limit contact. I don't know how much of this story is true, or exaggerated or just actual fantasy in your head, but you need to stop feeding into all this drama in your life. You clearly enjoy the drama of your 'relationship' with him. You clearly enjoy being a source of tension for his wife who you admit you don't like. But now your cosy setup with him is threatened. What if he tires of looking for attention from me? You're not concerned about his marital difficulties. You're quite happy he has marital difficulties, because he keeps running to your spare room! You just want him to get rid of the other 'other woman'. She's threatening your turf. I wonder next time he comes round will he be upgraded from the spare room in a bid to 'win him back'?

This fella works from home, if I recall? Keep work in the office. Not in your place. Not in coffee shops. If you need to work on something together he comes into the office, work is done there and he goes home. Tell him you are not interested in his love life. And stop engaging with him.

Although, I have a feeling you enjoy it all. Your life is full of drama and fellas who are not available to you. Maybe you're afraid of commitment, and that's why you encourage/turn down men who aren't in a position to be in a long term relationship with you? But I think you enjoy this. I know groups of people like this. In their 40s and 50s, never grew up, carrying on like idiot teenagers, inappropriate and almost incestuous in their relationships with each other. I avoid them... Like the plague. It's quite easy to do if you don't want to be involved. Some people like the easy life. Some people like drama, conflict, secrets. Why are you the one all these men are telling their weird secrets to? I have never had married friends or colleagues come on to me or tell me about their fetishes and fantasies.

Call me Al

What a catch this guy is!
I see nothing redeeming about his personality and can't see why you'd want to have anything to do with him.

He's an attention-seeking a##hole.

Big Bag of Chips

By the way... You don't want him, yet you like the attention you get from knowing he wants you. By continuing this "friendship" you are just leading him on. You like that he fancies you and you get all this attention from him and a pseudo-relationship, yet the thoughts of him maybe fancying someone else threatens you. You are using him as much as he is using you. It's not healthy, and it's certainly not "best friends".

He's a prize arsehole and the more you post the more I feel sorry for his wife. What a life she must have with you two carrying on your "friendship" in front of her. I wonder why she doesn't like you?

SusieBlue

I can only echo what's already been said but I'd like to add that the thread title is very misleading, if you wanted to help your friend with his marriage issues you'd stay as far away as possible from him.
The thread was all about you and nothing to do with concern for any of his problems.

ManOfMystery

No good can come of this situation OP.

To be honest, I think you've been secretly enjoying the attention this guy has given you for many years, and the fact that he has lusted after you. You don't like him enough to have ever had a relationship with him, but you love the attention. That's the only possible explanation I can come up with for the fact that you're now jealous that there might be another female on the radar despite the fact that you are - allegedly - adamant that you don't want anything to do with him.

I can't for the life of me work out why you keep hanging round someone who lusts after you but who you have no interest in, who seems to by a bit of a prat by all accounts, and who is married. That's a very important part. M-A-R-R-I-E-D. He made vows to his wife, not you. He had children with his wife, not you. He shares a bed with his wife every night, not you. His wife is an important part of his life but seems to get little regard here.

I think it's blindingly obvious here that you need to distance yourself from this drama.

LynnGrace

And, once more, put proper professional boundaries in place between yourself and all work colleagues. Do not involve yourself in other people's personal lives.

Meauldsegosha

OP you need to have a good hard look at yourself and your behaviour. You clearly love the "drama" this man and your other work colleague (covering for his secret birthday gay sex session) bring to your life.

I have to wonder if any of it is real? Are your threads here just part of the fantasy? Do you post here just to get attention? You are a woman in her 40s, supposedly intelligent (there was mention of a contract worth 100s of millions) but you get yourself into the most awkward situations with your work colleagues.

Maybe it's time to take a step back from these colleagues and your job (if necessary), be very honest with yourself and then seek help from a professional.

Neyite

You started a thread only days ago where you were given good advice on this issue with this man. Every single reply, about 30 of them, told you to stay away. To disengage. To keep it professional. To stay the hell away from this creep and his marriage.

You are not listening.

You are focusing on the drama and the minutiae of the details. You are getting off on the attention. You have zero boundaries for all your hand-wringing about his marriage and he knows it. Any other woman would have stopped him in his tracks and told him to fcuk off. His methods seem creepy, and I'd suggest you look at PUA methods (forbidden topic here, so that's all I'll say) and see if it rings a bell with you.

I'd suggest bringing condoms to the office Christmas party because his intent is crystal clear, as is your refusal to put a stop to his efforts, so for all your protesting on both threads its inevitable where its going to end up. You might as well keep yourself safe.

timmy880

Christ there are so many layers to this....... I'd ignore the sister in law stuff. That's him showing what a "lad" he is that this girl (his wife's sister ffs!!!!!!!!) is sending him filth like that and he is loving it. Whether he led her on or not is nothing to do with it...

What is a problem is your friendship in general. If you really wanted to help him then ye really shouldn't be friends. Even after all these years he still thinks ye are going to have sex (judging by what you've said about his behaviour) and you're not doing a great job of saying no leave it alone it will never happen! If ye genuinely were best friends he wouldn't make jokes about you being his mistress and he wouldn't keep you a secret. How are you ok with that? It's not friendly jokes or banter. It's just him being a d1ck.

He is clearly cheating on his wife or wants to. He's already sexting the sister in law and makes jokes about having sex with you. And you as a friend shouldn't have anything to do with this clown.

Big Bag of Chips

OP, just to follow on from what Meauldsegosha said, there is clearly something lacking in you, or in your life. I'm not saying that to be harsh, but purely for you to think about. I will take you at face value that you are in fact a 43 year old woman and not a 17 year old young lad posting for the laugh. But that is how your posts come across. In fact the word "teenager" is used quite often to describe the carry on you post about. Your posts are all fantastical, and when people start questioning them the explanations become even more fantastical and outlandish. There are a lot of holes in what you post and things that don't make sense. So they're either just not true (everyone in the office buys a birthday present for everyone else) or they are exaggerated to explain away questionable things you do that people say you shouldn't do (giving a birthday present to a creepy colleague that you don't want to be involved with).

You were a "stand in bride" for this man because of a mix up with transport? How does that work? In order for two people to get married, they have to be physically present with 2 witnesses, physically present. It's a legal contract with serious repercussions that you have to physically agree to. There's no "stand in bride".

So either, you fully believe what you post and you live in la-la land and go chasing all this inappropriate male attention (and then act all wide-eyed and innocent about it) or you don't believe a word of what you post but you post here regularly with all these outlandish stories purely to get attention. Either way, Meauldsegosha's advice of seeing a professional might be worth considering.