Feeling lost

somewherenear

Hi
I lost my dad about 3 months ago. I am completely traumatised by his death. He had recovered from very serious reaction to drugs and fought so hard to be struck down by something that should have been caught.
He had the "death rattle" for about 12hrs before he died and this haunts me. The begging to die and pleading to just pass on haunts me. The fact I requested something to help his anxiety makes me so guilty as he never woke up again after they gave him it.
He was my rock my safety net. I feel like piece of me is missing. I zone out of conversations alot and can't concentrate on films, TV. I feel detached from my normal life. I don't feel like me. The grief is crushing me I'm angry how he died how they missed his symptoms. I'm angry he wouldn't let me speak more to the doctors. Christmas is especially rough as he was big on family plus he did all the cooking. I don't know how to get back to me or how to deal with all this emotion.

Lucuma

That stuff you're talkign about there, I definitely had the same. All the details of my Dad's final days haunted me for a good while.

It's deeply traumatic to watch. I think it's almost like post traumatic stress disorder PTSD? I imagine that watching the second parent die will be different because it won't have been the first time. I coudl see that it didn't affect my mother or my Dad's siblings the same way it affected me and I realised that's coz they're gone through this with their own parents and other family members so it's not their first time.

Do you have somebody to discuss the nitty gritty of what happened with? It's unpaletable to most so unfortunately there is probably only 1 or 2 if anyone that you could talk to about it in detail. I have a very analytical mind so I just had to discuss all that stuff and find answers to the medical stuff, otherwise I couldn't find peace. But I can tell you that it won't haunt you forever. I was able to let it go and move on after a while. But you have to process it first.

Actually I found a forum (Inspire) for my Dad's condition after he died (bit late I hear you say) I spent a lot of time in there in the first few months after he died. For some reason reading discussions and participating in discussions about his condition and about the type of deaths that occur from it really helped me, especially to analyse the medical side. So maybe have a look for something like that. I only found the forum when I googled 'morphine death xx xx' where xx xx was my Dad's condition. I wish I had found the forum when he was still alive might have been better informed but it did help me to cope with his death.

I have been where you are and I can tell you these thoughts will not haunt you forever. Eventually you have to make a decision to park them and move on. I had guilt as well and I had to park that as well. No good will come of carrying it around and it can never be 'fixed' so eventually you have to just decide to try not to think about it. Your Dad's live had a beginning, middle and end. He had decades of life which you can choose to focus on. His death is only one small part of that. But do try to find someone to discuss those thoughts that are on your mind

Powerfairy

My dad had the "death rattle" too, and that sound will literally haunt me for the rest of my life. I was hysterical when I heard it, as I was told once it comes that is the end

My fathers passing was so very traumatic, that I think about it almost every day, I am the youngest in my family so I think it affected me more.

The type of cancer my father had is supposed to progress quicker, but my father was a really strong man and battled for 2 long years, and for a long time I thought he was the exception and he might actually beat the disease. When we got the news he had 6 weeks to live, it crushed me, and he actually lasted 2 weeks, then he was gone. He gave up after that.
His heart couldn't go on. I have so so many pictures in my phone of him, I wanted memories, but so many are of him as a small man, thin and frail which make me feel worse, I cannot bring myself to delete them, but they bring me no comfort at all.

I don't have great advice as I am trying to get through this myself too, but I am considering bereavement counselling to help me sleep, and maybe that is something you should look into too? I also feel the doctors were negligent in my dads case and I could have done more. (they refused to operate even though his tumour was 1cm, they opted for chemo first, which didn't work and then the tumour grew and they couldn't operate). Why didn't I force them to operate, fight more for him. I could cry all day about it. He would have fought for me.

I hope you get through this, and I will be thinking of you, all I know is guilt gets me nowhere, so its time to forgive yourself. xxx

somewherenear

Lucuma wrote: »

That stuff you're talkign about there, I definitely had the same. All the details of my Dad's final days haunted me for a good while.

It's deeply traumatic to watch. I think it's almost like post traumatic stress disorder PTSD? I imagine that watching the second parent die will be different because it won't have been the first time. I coudl see that it didn't affect my mother or my Dad's siblings the same way it affected me and I realised that's coz they're gone through this with their own parents and other family members so it's not their first time.

Do you have somebody to discuss the nitty gritty of what happened with? It's unpaletable to most so unfortunately there is probably only 1 or 2 if anyone that you could talk to about it in detail. I have a very analytical mind so I just had to discuss all that stuff and find answers to the medical stuff, otherwise I couldn't find peace. But I can tell you that it won't haunt you forever. I was able to let it go and move on after a while. But you have to process it first.

Actually I found a forum (Inspire) for my Dad's condition after he died (bit late I hear you say) I spent a lot of time in there in the first few months after he died. For some reason reading discussions and participating in discussions about his condition and about the type of deaths that occur from it really helped me, especially to analyse the medical side. So maybe have a look for something like that. I only found the forum when I googled 'morphine death xx xx' where xx xx was my Dad's condition. I wish I had found the forum when he was still alive might have been better informed but it did help me to cope with his death.

I have been where you are and I can tell you these thoughts will not haunt you forever. Eventually you have to make a decision to park them and move on. I had guilt as well and I had to park that as well. No good will come of carrying it around and it can never be 'fixed' so eventually you have to just decide to try not to think about it. Your Dad's live had a beginning, middle and end. He had decades of life which you can choose to focus on. His death is only one small part of that. But do try to find someone to discuss those thoughts that are on your mind

Thank you for your response and advice it makes me feel alot more normal. Hopefully I can stop carrying all stuff around in time.

somewherenear

Powerfairy wrote: »

My dad had the "death rattle" too, and that sound will literally haunt me for the rest of my life. I was hysterical when I heard it, as I was told once it comes that is the end

My fathers passing was so very traumatic, that I think about it almost every day, I am the youngest in my family so I think it affected me more.

The type of cancer my father had is supposed to progress quicker, but my father was a really strong man and battled for 2 long years, and for a long time I thought he was the exception and he might actually beat the disease. When we got the news he had 6 weeks to live, it crushed me, and he actually lasted 2 weeks, then he was gone. He gave up after that.
His heart couldn't go on. I have so so many pictures in my phone of him, I wanted memories, but so many are of him as a small man, thin and frail which make me feel worse, I cannot bring myself to delete them, but they bring me no comfort at all.

I don't have great advice as I am trying to get through this myself too, but I am considering bereavement counselling to help me sleep, and maybe that is something you should look into too? I also feel the doctors were negligent in my dads case and I could have done more. (they refused to operate even though his tumour was 1cm, they opted for chemo first, which didn't work and then the tumour grew and they couldn't operate). Why didn't I force them to operate, fight more for him. I could cry all day about it. He would have fought for me.

I hope you get through this, and I will be thinking of you, all I know is guilt gets me nowhere, so its time to forgive yourself. xxx

My dad had cancer also but his was very treatable and we were told he would be fine in a year. Unfortunately his bad reaction was to the chemotherapy or other drugs he was given to stop hormones they aren't sure. He battled that which they were shocked how well he recovered and even survived only to loose his life to something far less complex. He deteriorating within days and was gone. The day before he died he was in high spirits singing laughing talking.
I did consider bereavement counselling aswel but I can't face it at the moment.
I am sorry you are going through the same thing and hope you will be OK and be good to yourself x

Naid23

OP I', really sorry about your dad.

Myself and my family are going through the exact same thing. My mam had a brain tumour removed 2 years ago and while it was a tough couple of months, she got back on her feet. Then all of a sudden she was sick again this july so we took her to the hospital. A month passed and they couldnt figure out what was wrong with her and basically just wrote her off as being depressed. She went from being happy and full of life to not being able to get out of the bed herself - in a month.
She died exactly one month to the day she was admitted. The weekend before she died (august bank holiday) she was put on oxygen because her sats were low. We recognised the symptoms straight away as she had a clot after her brain surgery and asked for this to be investigated several times over the course of the weekend. Not one proper doctor came near her all weekend and she dropped dead on her own on Tuesday morning. She had deep vein thromosis which led to the clot that killed her and They missed it even with her history with clots.

The last few months have been absolutely intolerable and like other posters here, i am considering counselling after christmas but am not sure how i feel about doing that.
Christmas is going to be really hard, I hope you get through it and i hope i do too.

Professor Moriarty

somewherenear wrote: »

Hi
I lost my dad about 3 months ago. I am completely traumatised by his death. He had recovered from very serious reaction to drugs and fought so hard to be struck down by something that should have been caught.
He had the "death rattle" for about 12hrs before he died and this haunts me. The begging to die and pleading to just pass on haunts me. The fact I requested something to help his anxiety makes me so guilty as he never woke up again after they gave him it.
He was my rock my safety net. I feel like piece of me is missing. I zone out of conversations alot and can't concentrate on films, TV. I feel detached from my normal life. I don't feel like me. The grief is crushing me I'm angry how he died how they missed his symptoms. I'm angry he wouldn't let me speak more to the doctors. Christmas is especially rough as he was big on family plus he did all the cooking. I don't know how to get back to me or how to deal with all this emotion.

Sorry to hear about your Dad. It sounds like he was dying and there was probably little they could have done. You did exactly the right thing by alleviating his anxiety and they wouldn't have administered it if it was the wrong thing to do.

Your detachment is normal and healthy. Essentially, when something is too traumatic to take in, we numb ourselves by closing off our feelings and thoughts. It's as if we are watching our lives on a tv screen. Your anger is also part of this process.

You will find that reality will seep through in bursts as you realise he's gone. It's awful but it will help you to accept his passing in the long term. Unfortunately, there is no way around your grief. Just let it happen, stay functioning in your daily life and talk to people about him. It's a cliché, but time heals. Just give time time to work.

somewherenear

Naid23 wrote: »

OP I', really sorry about your dad.

Myself and my family are going through the exact same thing. My mam had a brain tumour removed 2 years ago and while it was a tough couple of months, she got back on her feet. Then all of a sudden she was sick again this july so we took her to the hospital. A month passed and they couldnt figure out what was wrong with her and basically just wrote her off as being depressed. She went from being happy and full of life to not being able to get out of the bed herself - in a month.
She died exactly one month to the day she was admitted. The weekend before she died (august bank holiday) she was put on oxygen because her sats were low. We recognised the symptoms straight away as she had a clot after her brain surgery and asked for this to be investigated several times over the course of the weekend. Not one proper doctor came near her all weekend and she dropped dead on her own on Tuesday morning. She had deep vein thromosis which led to the clot that killed her and They missed it even with her history with clots.

The last few months have been absolutely intolerable and like other posters here, i am considering counselling after christmas but am not sure how i feel about doing that.
Christmas is going to be really hard, I hope you get through it and i hope i do too.

Thank you for your reply and I am really sorry to hear about your Mom. It's so hard to face Christmas but hopefully we all get through it without it being too hard.

somewherenear

Professor Moriarty wrote: »

Sorry to hear about your Dad. It sounds like he was dying and there was probably little they could have done. You did exactly the right thing by alleviating his anxiety and they wouldn't have administered it if it was the wrong thing to do.

Your detachment is normal and healthy. Essentially, when something is too traumatic to take in, we numb ourselves by closing off our feelings and thoughts. It's as if we are watching our lives on a tv screen. Your anger is also part of this process.

You will find that reality will seep through in bursts as you realise he's gone. It's awful but it will help you to accept his passing in the long term. Unfortunately, there is no way around your grief. Just let it happen, stay functioning in your daily life and talk to people about him. It's a cliché, but time heals. Just give time time to work.

Thank you. It helps to know this is all normal. It will be a tough road ahead but hopefully time is the healer

hughwe

I am so sorry to hear such sad stories. I believe you did the right thing and you should not have any regrets. Death is so final, no matter what way our loved one goes it is never easy and we regardless wish we did things differently. I lost my dad 2 weeks ago and I am getting some consolation knowing that I am not the only feeling so lost. I never got to say goodbye to him, I stepped into his hospital room and he just went, he was given morphine although he was unconscious and the nursing staff was aware that I was travelling some 100 miles to see him. Why was this done? I am so angry about this, sometimes I search crowds to see someone resembling him even though it upsets me. Life is short we should make the most of it and one thing is for certain that I know he didn't want to be in pain and often spoke about passing on, he would not want to see me grieving him.

Lucuma

There seems to be a lot of people with medical questions unanswered. I have a few as well but over the last year they have slowly lost their grip over me as I slid into the 'acceptance' phase of grief. In our case the question we would have is why wasn't he put on the transplant list sooner why did they wait til he was already very sick. Unless I had a face-to-face with his consultant, I'll never know the answer. I do know that I have learned a few things from the whole experience such as that when you are sick in hospital you need a rottweiler on your case i.e. a family member. You need someone who is demanding answers, demanding action, going along to your appointments with you, annoying the doctors, chasing up on things and getting appointments brought forward and generally being really annoying and refusing to go away. I wish I had been a rottweiler for my Dad (or that someone had). It is a mistake I won't make twice!

maryk123

Lucuma
I did all of above brought my dad to his appts asked all the questions and got all the answers. Unfortunately a lot of results came back clear and in the end when they found his tumour he was dead in two weeks. I am not going there as in wanting answers from dr's as reality is no matter what answer they give me he is not coming back and that is the biggest pain. I am 5 months down the road and like you, have come into the acceptance phase and days are passing longer that u don't cry. It's not I don't think of him every day i do but I don't cry as much. Christmas has just come and gone in a blur but look we got through it and I agree with hughwe my dad wouldn't want all this crying and grieving. Just some days it's really hard. Xxxx

sadie06

Thank you to all that have contributed to this thread, and particularly to the OP, as I certainly feel less alone reading it. I lost my dad at the end of October 2016. He was 69. He had been diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer just 32 days earlier. It was a massive shock as apart from intermittent abdominal discomfort, he was incredibly healthy and looking after himself so well. He had just had an amazing summer with my mother full of adventure and activity...impossible to understand how and why it all ended so suddenly for them. They were impossibly close and she is bereft. Her grief consumes us all.

Like so many of you, myself and my siblings have anger and so many unanswered questions. We were let down badly in various ways that I won't detail here, but as educated and confident people if we couldn't navigate a smooth journey for my poor dad, I dread to think what happens to vulnerable people with nobody to advocate for them. The system must swallow them up.

Regret is a huge thing for me, and there are some things I simply can't face. I try to remember the fact that we all did our very best for my dad, and that we are not medical experts. I more so regret many, many things that I had planned to do but hadn't got around to, despite being very close to my dad. These things will haunt me. I just didn't see this coming, despite having already lost a sibling in 1999. I thought we had lots of time left with dad.

Thanks again to you all for sharing, and best wishes to everyone. I try to remember my dad's words of comfort when we lost my sister. He told me to draw on her courage and her bravery when I felt hopeless. I find it helpful at my lowest points to draw on his courage now.

Strength to you all.

Lucuma

sadie06 wrote: »

T

Thanks again to you all for sharing, and best wishes to everyone. I try to remember my dad's words of comfort when we lost my sister. He told me to draw on her courage and her bravery when I felt hopeless. I find it helpful at my lowest points to draw on his courage now.

Strength to you all.

That's a great suggestions thanks for that one! I do draw on how well my Dad faced the deaths of his own parents and how he just got on with things, if he could do it I can do it ..........
My Dad was the same age as yours - 69. It's much too young! I saw his gravestone for the first time last week and the '69' etched in stone stuck in my craw. It's just wrong!!

sadie06

Lucuma wrote: »

That's a great suggestions thanks for that one! I do draw on how well my Dad faced the deaths of his own parents and how he just got on with things, if he could do it I can do it ..........
My Dad was the same age as yours - 69. It's much too young! I saw his gravestone for the first time last week and the '69' etched in stone stuck in my craw. It's just wrong!!

Far, far too young! The gravestone is very tough for sure. It is such a slap in the face to see that age etched there for future generations to see.

Stopped Clock

My mum died last year and I'm still reeling from it. Her death wasn't unexpected because she had dementia and had been failing for several months. It has unsettled me in a big way. I live on my own in a town that's not near where I grew up. I've a good job, a mortgage and a few friends. But ever since mum died all I want to do is move "home". I don't care about my house any more and think a lot about selling it. I've lost any connection I had to my adopted town. For now, moving back to my home locality isn't an option but if I could leave here in the morning I would.

somewherenear

Hi All

It's a few months since I last posted and slowly things are getting easier.
I do avoid the graveyard alot though and I feel guilty about it. Sometimes reality really sinks in and I get a huge knot in my stomach and feel overwhelmed that he really is gone because I miss him alot. I would have gone to him for advice and sometimes feel kind of lost. I am coping better then the start and hope time keeps healing me.
Best wishes to everyone else going through this it's a hard road but we do our best.

Ghekko

My dad died last week. He had the death rattle too. I had read previously when mil was nearing death that the rattle is more distressing to those witnessing. So last week I watched my dad intently as he passed away. The rattle had settled a few hours before he died. My mother had it a bit too when she was dying. I think because I knew about it, I didn't feel freaked out by it. He died peacefully in the end. A week on and I can't believe it's happened. It's so bloody final now that they are both gone. I don't get too upset though. Not sure why. Not sure whether some day I'll have a meltdown in the most unsuitable place. I hope I am just strong and accepting of the fact that they are dead. It's weird to say the least!

Lucuma

Ghekko I'm so sorry for your loss of the second parent. There's a poem by Dylan Thomas with the line 'After the first death, there is no other' and I've been thinking about that lately, that my Dad's death just floored me to such a degree that I wonder if other losses in the future e.g. my mother, will not be as hard to bear because it's not my first time going through it?
I was like you as well after my Dad died, I didn't have the confidence to write my own thread so I just piggy backed on other people's threads about their parents.
Somewherenear - no need to feel guilty about a graveyard at all! The way I see it is that the grave is there as a source of solace to the bereaved family and friends if it helps them. Personally the grave helps me a lot. I go around pretending everything is fine now (coz it's been over a year, and I have 2 small kids and work fulltime, I needed to cop on and not let life pass me by) so I put on a front that everything is fine. Every so often, for the good of my health, I go to the grave and drop the pretence. Obviously when there's no-one else in the graveyard. I was there on Sunday night when it was getting dark and there were lots of lights on other graves, some kind of night light candle things that have a red light? There was loads of birds chirruping coz it was that time of the evening. There's something very powerful about the graveyard I find.