Male Friendship

LegacyUser

Hi guys,

Following on from a thread in The Ladies Lounge about how close women are to their male friends got me thinking - and I'm looking for some advice.

I don't really have male friends. I had a very close male friend at school who was gay and guy friends as a child growing up but not so much as an adult.

I'm mid twenties now and engaged. I've become quite friendly with a guy at work. We're both relatively new in the job and new to the area we both live. I've gone for coffee with him before and we'd message each other a fair bit. I find he initiates most of the messaging (and the suggestion of coffee) but then he's a very outgoing guy. He lives with his long term gf.

I'm just wondering is this kind of new friendship and the messaging normal and ok if you're engaged/in a relationship ??

Sorry if I sound very naive or something but like I say I don't have much experience of male friendships. If it was a girl I wouldn't be thinking twice about messaging & meeting up.

My fiancé knows about him but wouldn't know how much we message (not that it's exactly excessive) but then he wouldn't know how much I'd be messaging my girl friends.

I suppose I'm a small bit concerned as I would say both myself and this guy are attractive people and I wonder about intentions...I know mine are honest and I'm sure his are too...! so do I need to just get over it and not be concerned??

Lucuma

You will know pretty fast if there's something else going on for example: if he starts confiding in you about how he's not in love with his GF.

If he seems to be madly in love with his GF I would say there's no issue, in fact it could be the fact you're happily taken and he's happily taken is why ye can be friends without any fear of mis-interpretation.

silverharp

the whole setup sounds dodgy or has potential to be, I think its inappropriate to be socially texting this guy at work, though going for coffee or whatnot is fine by itself

jon1981

Simple genuine question... if the situation was reversed and your boyfriend was in this situation. Would it bother you?

If yes, why? If no, then nothing to see here, its an acceptable honest platonic friendship.

Do you need more friends and does it need to be this guy? Is the attractive reference something that concerns you due to what ppl around you may think or is it you think you might like him over time?

Dial Hard

Lou1234 wrote:

I suppose I'm a small bit concerned as I would say both myself and this guy are attractive people and I wonder about intentions...I know mine are honest and I'm sure his are too...! so do I need to just get over it and not be concerned??

So, what, ugly people can be platonic friends but not attractive ones? What an utterly bizarre opinion.

If you're concerned, OP, then there's your answer. Pull back from this guy and establish boundaries for future friendships of this type.

LegacyUser

Hi, op here.

I think the poster who asked if I need more friends and does it have to be this guy is right. I've moved from Dublin over to the west and am finding it a bit quiet here to be honest. Could definitely do with some more friends here.

Just with regards to the comment about attractiveness. I thought people might comment on that. I may not have explained that properly but all I meant was from the viewpoint of others, if say, I don't know there was a big age gap between us or our looks wouldn't suggest that we could be a couple then I might not worry as such. I know I shouldn't concern myself with what others think but it is work at the end of the day.

I just worry that I could misconstrue things and wonder what is "normal" or acceptable these days with opposite sex friendships...

With regards to how I'd feel if this was my boyfriend and another woman, well maybe any negative reactions from me would suggest I'm the one with the problem! Who knows.

Maximus Alexander

Ask yourself how you'd feel about it if your fiancé suddenly made friends with an attractive woman and began texting her and going for coffee?

I do believe men and women can be platonic friends and indeed both myself and my OH have opposite sex friends, though they are either mutual friends, or friends that predate our relationship. There is certainly a potential for your fiancé to feel uncomfortable about you developing a new friendship with an attractive man, and I don't think it would be totally unreasonable.

Are you keeping this friendship secret from him? Why not just be straight with him and ask how he feels about it? That seems like the most sensible approach to me.

jon1981

You know, maybe you should ask yourself what is acceptable for your relationship with your boyfriend? Is this friendship acceptable? Ask him, if you can't bring yourself to ask him then there's your answer... it's not and why is it not? Only you know this.

If shouldn't really matter what other people think, right?

Big Bag of Chips

Lou1234 wrote: »

Following on from a thread in The Ladies Lounge about how close women are to their male friends got me thinking....

If you hadn't read a thread in the Ladies Lounge would you be worried about your friendship? Only you can say if you two are drifting towards something inappropriate. If you are, put a stop to it. If you're not, who cares if others think you shouldn't be friends with another man when you're engaged?

The only opinions that can be relevant are those of your partners. If it's something you find you need to hide from your partner, then maybe THAT'S something to think about.

professore

In general I think it's a bad idea to have friends of the opposite sex that you go to meet in private and have a secret relationship with that your spouse is not part of.

For some reason women especially seem to see no potential for problems when it's them being friends with a guy, whereas guys know instinctively it's a bad idea, and either steer clear, or WANT something to happen.

You are already hiding the texts from your partner and you've admitted to finding this guy attractive, so deep down you know it's not right.

Mutual friends are fine. Why not meet up as two couples?

I have plenty of female friends but I wouldn't be meeting up with any of them alone on a regular basis, I think it only leads to problems, even if I had honourable intentions.

GreenFolder2

Life would be very boring with all your friends picked purely to avoid accidentally having affairs with them.

I mean, if you're not intending to have an affair and you're happily engaged, I don't see there being any issue.

Fundamentally, you make a commitment to your other half and unless you're planning to split up, you don't gi behind their back with affairs.

Shouldn't be a problem.

professore

GreenFolder2 wrote: »

Life would be very boring with all your friends picked purely to avoid accidentally having affairs with them.

I mean, if you're not intending to have an affair and you're happily engaged, I don't see there being any issue.

Fundamentally, you make a commitment to your other half and unless you're planning to split up, you don't gi behind their back with affairs.

Shouldn't be a problem.

Why all the secrecy?

GreenFolder2

professore wrote: »

Why all the secrecy?

What secrecy? I didn't mention anything about it.

professore

GreenFolder2 wrote: »

What secrecy? I didn't mention anything about it.

Actually I reread the OPs post and she does say her fiancé knows about him but doesn't know about the texts. So why not tell him? Presumably there are other people in the office - does the OP go for coffees with this guy only? What about the other people in the office?

In my office, people ask who wants to go for coffee, lunch, beers etc. Certainly wouldn't be an attached guy and a girl going off regularly together on their own.

Also any guy friends I have don't text people out of work, or maybe to meet if I haven't seen them in a while, or some urgent news e.g. engagement, death etc. Certainly not for chatting. If a straight guy is texting a girl regularly there is something other than friends going on, at least in his head.

That's not to say you can't have friends of the opposite sex - of course you can - but you need to clearly define boundaries and be open about it.

LegacyUser

Hi, thanks for the replies.

Just to clarify - my bf does know he texts and doesn't really comment other than to maybe ask what's he's texting about but he wouldn't know how often he texts.

I suppose I was seeking clarification if it's normal to just message to chat, like not for a specific reason. But then I suppose that's what friendship is.

There are more women in the office than men and I'm friendly with some of them too but it can be a bit segregated in that we don't all socialise as a group.

professore

How often does he text, and what kind of stuff does he text? I get the feeling you feel there is something more to your relationship than just friends already, at least from his side. Why not discuss with your fiancé, show him the texts, and see what he thinks?

Guy Sajer

I was in a similar situation OP. While there is nothing wrong with friendships like yours I think it helps with any untold concerns if you try and turn your friendship into a couples friendship.

Invite your respective partners for a coffee. Maybe they will get on well too.

LegacyUser

Thanks again for the replies. It's interesting to see the different insights.

So, I took the popular advice and asked my fiancé about what he thought of the messaging.

It was fairly predictable, in that knowing my partner and how he can be fairly protective of me (but not in a crazy jealous way) he reckons a straight guy doesn't just message a girl innocently just to be friends (which I really can't totally agree on btw) but he didn't ask to read the messages or anything like that. His advice was kind of vague to be honest although he did say to not txt him back if he just randomly msgs without a specific reason. But he didn't sound overly concerned either as he clearly trusts me. It's other guys I reckon he doesn't trust!

With regards what the guy messages - it could be anything to asking me something specific to just saying hey and a smiley face. It was only maybe every couple weeks up to recently whereby it's been more every couple of days. Maybe with it being Christmas or whatever.

I suppose I'd just hate to unwittingly get caught up in something, I don't know, a bit sleazy or something. If that's possible?!

Thanks again guys x

Lucuma

Lou1234 wrote: »

Thanks again for the replies. It's interesting to see the different insights.

So, I took the popular advice and asked my fiancé about what he thought of the messaging.

It was fairly predictable, in that knowing my partner and how he can be fairly protective of me (but not in a crazy jealous way) he reckons a straight guy doesn't just message a girl innocently just to be friends (which I really can't totally agree on btw) but he didn't ask to read the messages or anything like that. His advice was kind of vague to be honest although he did say to not txt him back if he just randomly msgs without a specific reason. But he didn't sound overly concerned either as he clearly trusts me. It's other guys I reckon he doesn't trust!

With regards what the guy messages - it could be anything to asking me something specific to just saying hey and a smiley face. It was only maybe every couple weeks up to recently whereby it's been more every couple of days. Maybe with it being Christmas or whatever.

I suppose I'd just hate to unwittingly get caught up in something, I don't know, a bit sleazy or something. If that's possible?!

Thanks again guys x

Again I would bring it back to his relationship. Have you any idea if he is happy in his relationship?

There is no hard and fast rule in my opinion. I have male friends and there is nothing for my OH to worry about. I meet up with them and send them messages and emails and photos etc and it's just a friendship. But I have also seen friendships between colleagues which ended in them both leaving their respective partners and taking up together. What starts as friendship can grow into love.
So there really is no hard and fast rule I don't think......if in doubt trust your instincts! The answers to most things are usually within if we look hard enough

Maximus Alexander

Just texting "Hey " isn't something I'd expect platonic friends to do unless they're teenage girls to be honest. I'd be highly suspicious that he's after something else.

LegacyUser

Be honest are you constantly talking about your fiancé with him? I think you know deep down this guy is interested in you and you're not sure what to do with it. He shouldn't be texting an attractive girl he doesn't know that well with a 'hey', his long term gf would likely not be happy with it. Guys like hanging around attractive women, nothing wrong with that, as long as the girl friend zones him completely, otherwise if she finds him attractive there's potential for trouble, and you know that, that's why you're here. If he didn't find you attractive he wouldn't be texting hey for no reason.

jon1981

Hey ... (I'm waiting for you to initiate something flirty as I'm not sure where you stand with this and I'm waiting for a signal )


That's how i read it.

Full Marx

Until the "hey bit I thought everything is ok but thats a bit strange. But its hard to say without context.

TBH I'm a man and most of my friends are women, it has just sort of happened that way as most of the people in my workplace are women. I'm a bit paranoid now after this thread as I would often chat on facebook or text my female friends, and would meet up for lunch or a coffee now again or a few drinks.

Maybe I'm naive but I though thats what friends did?

ChikiChiki

Lou1234 wrote: »

Thanks again for the replies. It's interesting to see the different insights.

So, I took the popular advice and asked my fiancé about what he thought of the messaging.

It was fairly predictable, in that knowing my partner and how he can be fairly protective of me (but not in a crazy jealous way) he reckons a straight guy doesn't just message a girl innocently just to be friends (which I really can't totally agree on btw) but he didn't ask to read the messages or anything like that. His advice was kind of vague to be honest although he did say to not txt him back if he just randomly msgs without a specific reason. But he didn't sound overly concerned either as he clearly trusts me. It's other guys I reckon he doesn't trust!

With regards what the guy messages - it could be anything to asking me something specific to just saying hey and a smiley face. It was only maybe every couple weeks up to recently whereby it's been more every couple of days. Maybe with it being Christmas or whatever.

I suppose I'd just hate to unwittingly get caught up in something, I don't know, a bit sleazy or something. If that's possible?!

Thanks again guys x

Deep down your partner is probably unhappy with the situation even though he's not admitting it. Does the guy you are messaging know that your partner knows he is writing to you if that makes sense? If he did know he would probably back off. It's all very odd especially the smiley face bit.