First Christmas without my dad.

Powerfairy

Hi There,

I don't know really why I turned to boards but I feel really terrible this December.

So bad that I can't breathe properly or sleep at times. Its my first Christmas without my father, he was such a good man he was my family and My best friend. The feeling of being alone even when you have people around is the worst. Nobody quite understands,

I am glad he is out of pain, and I wouldn't want him back the way he was, as he suffered a lot. but I cant help but look at photos of him all the time and cry.
He is gone 5 months now, and that is scary that I haven't spoken to him in 5 months.

He was my safety net, the one person in my family who was very like me, and the world seems a bleak place without him. I am in my late 20's so I don't know why this is affecting me so badly, sometimes I cry for the entire day especially on a Saturday when I go back to my home house and all his things are there. I thought I would be more equipped for dealing with this. I am utterly crushed.

Has anyone experienced this kind of sadness? I randomly burst out crying at work also. Pretty sure my bosses think I am crazy.

Lucuma

Powerfairy I'm so sorry for your loss. 5 months is still very early days for such a huge loss. There's no such thing as a normal timeline for grief.
It depends on so many factors. I am also facing my first Xmas without my Dad. I'm older than you and he got to walk me down the aisle and hold my child in his arms and he was 69. Although I felt robbed robbed robbed that he didn't live to 79 or hold my second child in his arms I still do realise that I got a lot more than a lot of people did. And perhaps that is why I am fairly ok now almost 12 months down the line.
But the first few months? I cried all the time. I used the car for crying - on the way home from work for example. I roared at times like that when no-one could hear me. The shower is another good one, no-one will hear you over the noise.
We shouldn't have to hide our grief but the reality is that we can't go around a sobbing mess in public all the time. The grief has to come out so it's about trying to find appropriate and private times in the day to vent and let it all out.
I would say I would often still cry daily (your post made me cry, many posts on here do coz they touch such a deep chord)
Have you a grave to viist? I have spent a lot of time at the grave grieving. Luckily there's almost always no-one else in the graveyard.

Your loss and pain will get easier to bear over time. When? No-one knows. It just slowly gets a little easier and a little easier. But Xmas is going to drag all kinds of feelings up and you're not even 6 months down the line. What I have found hard about the grief is that there's no solution to it. We will never have another Dad. That relationship won't be replaced or replicated. And that is bloody hard to get your head around!

JillyQ

Hi op my dad died around the same time as yours. He is just 5 months gone. I'm dreading this Christmas, my grief comes in waves. Today has been a bad day. But extended family and friends have wonderful to me. I think even though the day itself is going to be so bloody difficult. We have remember the happy Christmases we had with our dad's. I'm lucky in that I'm older than you and have more memories with my dad, but that still doesn't ease the pain.

It's still early days. However, I would be a bit concerned about you crying at work. I went through a phase at about 6 month stage where I couldn't sleep. I went to my GP, who prescribed a few sleeping tablets and recommended bereavement counselling. Luckily 3 nights of sleeping tablets got me back on track. I do think you would benefit from counselling. I'm 25 years down the line now and still yearn to hear his voice or smell his tobacco! Focus on the positives. I know he loved me for myself. That is a great comfort to me, as I'm an oddball and a bit of a black sheep! That continues to give me strength. All his clothes and bits and pieces are long gone, but his memory is alive in my mind.

LegacyUser

I lost my dad 3 months ago. He was my rock and my safety net. I'm finding it so hard in the run up to Christmas. I have cried in work also luckily nobody seen me.
I am just taking it one step at a time. I am trying to try to be positive but I just had a really difficult weekend. My dad always cooked Christmas dinner so this year will be a challenge and I hope this distracts me. I feel like a part of me is missing.

somewherenear

Hi I lost my dad 3 months ago. He was my rock and like you he was my safety net. I'm finding it so hard in the run up to Christmas. I have cried in work also luckily nobody seen me.
I am just taking it one step at a time. I am trying to try to be positive but I just had a really difficult weekend. My dad always cooked Christmas dinner so this year will be a challenge and I hope this distracts me. I feel like a part of me is missing. People have noticed I am not myself and I don't know how to be me.
I am sorry I have no advice but just know you are not alone.

Lucuma

Deleted User wrote: »

Focus on the positives. I know he loved me for myself. That is a great comfort to me, as I'm an oddball and a bit of a black sheep! That continues to give me strength. All his clothes and bits and pieces are long gone, but his memory is alive in my mind.

Yes. On my good days and weeks I can hear exactly what my Dad would say and the expression on his face in any given situation I find myself in. I find I can still 'get his advice' so to speak because if I think about the situation I need advice about, 99% of the time I know what Dad would have told me to do. So in that way on my good days he doesn't feel lost to me.

It's very hard to explain but yes I do think that his love for me is something I will carry around with me for life
And remember huge grief is a result of huge love. How lucky were you to have that kind of love x

JillyQ

It's very hard to explain but yes I do think that his love for me is something I will carry around with me for life
And remember huge grief is a result of huge love. How lucky were you to have that kind of love x[/quote]

You certainly will carry around your dad's love for as we all will. This Christmas will be difficult for everyone who has lost a loved one in the last year. Speaking from own prepestive counselling has helped me with dad's death and everything else that has gone on since it.

Powerfairy

It's very hard to explain but yes I do think that his love for me is something I will carry around with me for life
And remember huge grief is a result of huge love. How lucky were you to have that kind of love x[/QUOTE]

What a lovely thought. thanks for putting it like that! For instance I am having car trouble at the minute I know nothing about cars, and I didn't top up the oil and the coolant so now I have to go to get this sorted myself this evening,

It was something my dad always did for me and I took it for granted. I miss everything about him, nobody in this life time will be as good to me as he was and at times that is hard to comprehend.

I can identify with the poster who called herself a black sheep but her dad loved her anyway, that is exactly how I feel. I am lucky I have a great boyfriend and a best friend, who do listen when I am sad, but I don't think its overly healthy to lean on people too much.

I Have considered bereavement counselling, I would like to be able to get through this without crying all the time and burdening my other half who Is literally a saint, and I am so lucky to have him