Masturbating...Beside me.

Grace_31

Hi All,

Just looking for some advice please. I have been with my partner for 3 years. Our sex life has always been great no complaints either side.
Recently I have been exhausted....working late.....completing a degree by night aswell as the school drop offs and collections etc...its been hectic.
Last night I was wrecked and went to bed before him. He came in some time later not sure how long and woke me a few times looking for sex. I was so tired I just said try to get some rest, up early in the morning, really tired....
Then he was just up on me so i said all the above again....
I turned to my side and then i heard him masturbating beside me....I didnt know what to say at first so after a minute or so i said "What are you doing"? and he said what do you mean what am i doing? So i repeated the same question around 3 - 4 times and he met me back with the same response each time.
I know that a lot of people do it and thats fine....But we have never done that....He would have issues if i got a vibrator for example a topic we discussed previously. So before when he was hectic with college etc and wasnt in the mood i just went to sleep. Is it too much to expect the same in return?
I then got up and he followed me and started saying that he had already done it and that he had done it at least 30 times in the last year right there beside me and that I should be ashamed of myself....What kind of woman am I etc....
I didnt really know what to say to this at all.... How was this my fault? Its not like we havent had sex in years.....We had great sex on sunday night (night before last).
I was awake half the night I couldnt sleep....alas I am here seeking advice.

baby and crumble

Quite a bit to unpick there, OP.

First off, you are more than entitled to be tired and say no to sex. Just because you are in a relationship it doesn't give ANYONE the right to sex with you, at all. That's really important.

Grace_31 wrote: »

He came in some time later not sure how long and woke me a few times looking for sex. I was so tired I just said try to get some rest, up early in the morning, really tired....
Then he was just up on me so i said all the above again....

That is utter asshole behaviour. Seriously, waking you up for sex is just not on.

Grace_31 wrote: »

I turned to my side and then i heard him masturbating beside me....I didnt know what to say at first so after a minute or so i said "What are you doing"? and he said what do you mean what am i doing? So i repeated the same question around 3 - 4 times and he met me back with the same response each time.
I know that a lot of people do it and thats fine....But we have never done that....

Here is where I kinda think you should have just left him to his own devices- literally. If he's horny and felt like it, why not take care of it himself? It's not a reflection on your attractiveness at all. You knew what he was doing, why keep asking him? You're goading him on.

Grace_31 wrote: »

He would have issues if i got a vibrator for example a topic we discussed previously. So before when he was hectic with college etc and wasnt in the mood i just went to sleep. Is it too much to expect the same in return?

Again, asshole behaviour. It's one set of rules for him, another for you.

Grace_31 wrote: »

I then got up and he followed me and started saying that he had already done it and that he had done it at least 30 times in the last year right there beside me and that I should be ashamed of myself....What kind of woman am I etc....

This right here is the major problem. He's trying to insinuate that by not having sex with him whenever HE wants it, you're the bad guy. That just doesn't fly if you ask me. You have NOTHING to be ashamed of. He wanted to hurt you, problem because he felt hurt by rejection- at as someone who has felt rejected in the past when "up for it" without knowing why, it is frustrating and hurtful. But that's still not an excuse to be doggedly hurtful in return.

Grace_31 wrote: »

I didnt really know what to say to this at all.... How was this my fault? Its not like we havent had sex in years.....We had great sex on sunday night (night before last).
I was awake half the night I couldnt sleep....alas I am here seeking advice.

It's not your fault. How are things in the rest of your relationship, that's the one thing I would ask. Does he try and lay down the law in other ares too, and always expect to get his own way?

silverharp

baby and crumble wrote: »

Again, asshole behaviour. It's one set of rules for him, another for you.

I disagree with this, the male equivalent of a vibrator is a "fleshlight" or similar contraption, you and the OP are comparing apples and oranges.

Grace_31

Before we get too bogged down in whether or not it's OK for him to masturbate beside you ...

Grace_31 wrote: »

Recently I have been exhausted....working late.....completing a degree by night aswell as the school drop offs and collections etc...its been hectic.

What is he doing to help? Is he working late or studying? Why are you doing both the school drop offs and collections?

Grace_31 wrote: »

We had great sex on sunday night (night before last).

So in spite of the fact you're under huge pressure and, seemingly, not getting any help, you're still enjoying a good sex life.

But two days later ...

Grace_31 wrote: »

Last night I was wrecked and went to bed before him. He came in some time later not sure how long and woke me a few times looking for sex. I was so tired I just said try to get some rest, up early in the morning, really tired....
Then he was just up on me so i said all the above again....

What a prick. I actually find that level of immature horniness and selfishness a bit sickening.

Grace_31 wrote: »

I turned to my side and then i heard him masturbating beside me....I know that a lot of people do it and thats fine....But we have never done that....He would have issues if i got a vibrator for example a topic we discussed previously. So before when he was hectic with college etc and wasnt in the mood i just went to sleep. Is it too much to expect the same in return?

No, it's really not too much. Reconsider that vibrator.

Grace_31 wrote: »

he followed me and started saying that he had already done it and that he had done it at least 30 times in the last year right there beside me and that I should be ashamed of myself....What kind of woman am I etc...

And that right there is the heart of the problem. Who the hell does he think he is to be so entitled to sex/orgasms?

What kind of woman are you??

• The kind of woman who agreed to not use a vibrator when their partner wasn't up for sex in order to make him feel comfortable.
• The kind of woman who is working late, studying for a degree and doing the school runs in the absence of any help.
• The kind of woman who still has "great sex" with their partner.

He needs to look at "what kind of man" he is. :mad:

baby and crumble

silverharp wrote: »

I disagree with this, the male equivalent of a vibrator is a "fleshlight" or similar contraption, you and the OP are comparing apples and oranges.

Not really, if you think about it, a mans hands can roughly give the same experience as penetrative sex, a womans hand can't really do the same, at least if you're used to- and like- sex with a penis.

Masturbation is masturbation, it's not the method that's the issue.

Anyone who is intimidated by a vibrator needs to get a grip (pun not intended!.

silverharp

baby and crumble wrote: »

Not really, if you think about it, a mans hands can roughly give the same experience as penetrative sex, a womans hand can't really do the same, at least if you're used to- and like- sex with a penis.

Masturbation is masturbation, it's not the method that's the issue.

Anyone who is intimidated by a vibrator needs to get a grip (pun not intended!.

they are still 2 classes of thing, masturbation and mastubatory aid. If the husband was upset at her simply pleasuring herself I'd agree there would be a double standard.

eviltwin

I'd be more concerned that he doesn't take no for an answer and stills tries to initiate sex by climbing onto you despite your protests.

GingerLily

OP would I be right in saying you wouldn't have an issue if he had looked after himself in another room?

His behaviour is so self entitled and disrespectful. Of course you should be allowed to say no when your tired (which you obviously were seeing as you went to bed so early). He should be allowed look after himself in this kind of situation but to do it beside you is very disrespectful - especially seeing as you made it clear you weren't comfortable and he just continued on.

Also the fact that he won't allow you a vibrator is a bit telling, he obviously puts his own gratification way before yours

HalloweenJack

Last night I was wrecked and went to bed before him. He came in some time later not sure how long and woke me a few times looking for sex. I was so tired I just said try to get some rest, up early in the morning, really tired....
Then he was just up on me so i said all the above again....

I then got up and he followed me and started saying that he had already done it and that he had done it at least 30 times in the last year right there beside me and that I should be ashamed of myself....What kind of woman am I etc....

Those would be big red flags, imo.

He seems to have the idea that he can have sex with you whenever he wants which is very disrespectful and says a lot of his opinion towards you in the sexual area of your relationship. This coming in spite ofthe fact that you had sex on Sunday and you've stopped using vibrators as a result of his insecurity. It seems to me that he regards his sexual needs as more important than yours.

So before when he was hectic with college etc and wasnt in the mood i just went to sleep. Is it too much to expect the same in return?

Not at all. Make sure to remind him of this matter. Don't feel pressured into sex. That's a very dangerous way to go. You need to stand up to him and he should be understanding. He went through the same thing himself.

Masturbation in a relationship is not a problem, unless it gets in the way of actual sex, though that doesn't seem to be the problem here as you mentioned. Personally, I'd be uncomfortable if my GF was masturbating while I was asleep beside her and I wouldn't dream of masturbating in the bed beside her while she was asleep, I'd go to the bathroom for a few minutes if I was that desperate.

blue note

It sounds to me like you have a great sex life but he's frustrated from not having enough sex. His reaction was simply wrong - a constructive conversation is the way to deal with it, not asking what kind of woman you are (not a psychic one presumably). However, whatever way the topic comes to the fore at least it has. I don't think masturbating 30 times beside you in bed in the past year is something you do if you're satisfied.

So I'd suggest forgetting about what brought up the conversation and just dealing with the issue. Talk about how often you'd both like to have sex and whether or not it's fulfilling for you both. It might still be great for you but it might have fallen into routine for him and he might want to do some things a little differently (even something like trying a new position that he's been thinking of). If there are things that he can do like collecting / dropping off the kids more, doing dinners to make you less tired by all means ask for help with these. But also look at what you might be able to do to increase your sex drive - it's a two way relationship.

It's a pity he didn't deal with this better. But a quick scan through this forum and you'll see it's littered with men miserable from unfullfilling sex lives. This really sounds to me like it could be the case. Don't ignore it - deal with it. For both your sakes.

osarusan

Some people wouldn't have a problem with being woken up for sex - we don't know if it has happened before or if the OP generally responds positively or not. But being asked a second time, third time crosses a line into pestering (if the line hadn't already been crossed).

People in relationships can and do still masturbate, so I'm not sure what he did was all that wrong, rather the issue is where he did it - right beside the OP is fairly crude.

The issue of the vibrator is a strange one. He doesn't want you to have one...for what reason? That does sound controlling alright.

For me the biggest issue by far is him telling you that you should be ashamed of yourself, what kind of woman are you etc. That crossed a line more than anything else to my mind.

Sounds like somebody who is embarrassed about being caught and lashes out so there will be something else focused on.

Grace_31

Hi All,

Thank you so much for your replies thus far. It is unusual for us as a couple......We have great chemistry together and I am sure that he is satisfied sexually...as I am....we have talked about this many times...how well we gem together etc.
I pleasure him and vice versa.....massages (without too much detail) etc.
He has always been vocal that our sex life is amazing...loves my touches etc.
We have talked many times about different things and he never really approves of toys, vibrators etc. I have never had one....Ive always been ok with just cuddles etc if he was wrecked tired and I wanted some....I would just go to sleep.
I find it to be really disrespectful.....the comments afterwards were hurtful to say the least. Im dreading tonight when we both get home...the awkwardness of it all.
An example of where he stands on this type of thing to clarify is....I was away last year and we had phone "chats" and afterwards he said that only he should be touching me and he wasnt really comfortable with it....So i find this to be hypocritical now.
And him blaming me is totally unacceptable....IMO.
For those who asked about him and the school run/drop off/collection.....I have the responsibility for that as he also works and my work starts a bit later so its more flexible/practical i guess for me to do it.
I have just finished up college before exams coming soon.....Work Full Time 45+ hours a week finishing off end of year jobs to begin fresh in January...rushing and racing before christmas.....that im shattered.
All this being said I dont think I need to justify things like this to him....He obviously sees how busy/tired etc I am
I dont really know what else to say....Im just confused i guess.

baby and crumble

Grace_31 wrote: »

An example of where he stands on this type of thing to clarify is....I was away last year and we had phone "chats" and afterwards he said that only he should be touching me and he wasnt really comfortable with it....So i find this to be hypocritical now.

He needs to learn what's good for the goose is good for the gander. Are you really saying he wasn't comfortable with you touching YOUR OWN body? That's so far out of order and so far into the controlling side of things I can't even say.

Conor Bourke

Re: the phone sex- are you saying that he doesn't think that you should be allowed to touch your own body or bring yourself to orgasm?! What the actual fück! Who instigated that? Did he climax from it? And why does the same principle not apply to who touches his body?

eviltwin

OP why won't he let you use sex toys? Are you allowed to masturbate yourself at all? :eek:

osarusan

Grace_31 wrote: »

An example of where he stands on this type of thing to clarify is....I was away last year and we had phone "chats" and afterwards he said that only he should be touching me and he wasnt really comfortable with it....So i find this to be hypocritical now.

And you are right to find it hypocritical. That's ridiculous.

ManOfMystery

Grace_31 wrote: »

An example of where he stands on this type of thing to clarify is....I was away last year and we had phone "chats" and afterwards he said that only he should be touching me and he wasnt really comfortable with it....So i find this to be hypocritical now.

..... and your response at that time should have been - "It's my body, I'll do what the hell I like."

Who does he think he is? Were you angry at the time or just go along with it? If so perhaps he senses your passiveness and is using it as a slight form of control. I don't get this "only he should be touching me" bit - it's not like you were with anyone else.

Time for a serious discussion and for him to be told a few home truths about telling you what you can and can't do.

Grace_31

Hi Op here,
Re the phone chat: Ya he climaxed too...but when i got back he said it was kinda strange knowing that we were doing it ourselves when we have each other and that we would just use each other for it. We are in a loving relationship and that it was just a once off but he wasnt entirely comfortable with it.
Then to throw in that he has done it beside be 30 times in the last year and the other comments just has me all over the place at the moment......
We go through phases of being crazy for each other when we get alone time....which we both agree is amazing.....
The thing that has changed is that time.....there just isnt enough of it at the moment being so busy and tired....but surely that shouldnt change his "opinions/views" when it suits him.....
I know that if i say to him tonight "How would you feel if you were wrecked from working hard and going all day and I was doing it beside him in bed?"
His response will be that he wouldnt like it and it would probably be an argument.
He has his views and judgments on it (right or wrong) surely that shouldnt be interchangeable depending on the situation....

Idle Passerby

Blaming you for him not being sexually gratified whenever it suits him is obvious bullying behaviour. He was out of line for pushing the issue and getting angry with you for being tired.

Masterbating right beside you was disrespectful, but it sounds like you have some sort of rule that if your not having sex physically with each other neither of you is allowed to have sexual release? That seems odd.

Disallowing masterbation doesn't seem like a good way to handle a shared sex life that involves working away and very busy schedules. I'd say get rid of that rule for starters and put some boundaries in place so he knows if your shattered he has the option to sort himself out in private if he really needs to. Badgering someone for sex is never going to make anyone's sex life more fulfilling.

Saipanne

Im only speaking from my experience here, as I don't know you.

I'm a guy, and I've often been in a situation with a woman where she is horny and I'm exhausted. In those situations, I tend to try and "help out", even if it means her sorting herself while I kiss and stroke, etc.

I know I have every right to just say no, but that's my view on those scenarios.

But I'm not you, I've no real context on his behaviour. If you think it's wrong, maybe you should talk to him and make it clear you're uncomfortable.

Grace_31

Grace_31 wrote: »

I was away last year and we had phone "chats" and afterwards he said that only he should be touching me and he wasnt really comfortable with it ... he said it was kinda strange knowing that we were doing it [to] ourselves when we have each other and that we would just use each other for it

I hope you're paraphrasing because if those were his words I'd find that very weird, without even getting into the fact that he has no problem "doing it" to himself but doesn't want you "doing it" to yourself.

It sounds as if he's calling all the shots in your sex life ... and yes, as you say, changing his mind about what he thinks is appropriate or not.

None of this is healthy and you should not be afraid to get your opinion across on this.

Grace_31

Deleted User wrote: »

I hope you're paraphrasing because if those were his words I'd find that very weird, without even getting into the fact that he has no problem "doing it" to himself but doesn't want you "doing it" to yourself.

It sounds as if he's calling all the shots in your sex life ... and yes, as you say, changing his mind about what he thinks is appropriate or not.

None of this is healthy and you should not be afraid to get your opinion across on this.

No those were his words at the time alright. Thanks everyone for the replies so far....I needed to get some other views on it...was beginning to doubt myself a little after the comments he made

racso1975

Grace_31 wrote: »

No those were his words at the time alright. Thanks everyone for the replies so far....I needed to get some other views on it...was beginning to doubt myself a little after the comments he made

Grace i am all for saving relationships and certainly not one for the old dump his ass in every thread but what I have read is seriously fuked up!!! As eviltwin said having said no you still woke up to find him on top of you!!! He thinks YOU should not touch yourself!!! He thinks you should be ashamed for his masturbation!!! So in essence he thinks you should be ready for a shag whenever he is up for it!!!

Grace this will continue and continue and he will grind you down so that you do doubt yourself and then that will progress to you thinking he is always right etc.

As said red flags are huge here. Please give leaving this selfish manipulating person a lot of serious consideration.

ahnow

I would strongly be reconsidering this relationship. His entitled bullying behaviour is worrying. I wouldnt usually jump to that sort of a conclusion, but there are so many things wrong in this scenario.

Jimmy Bottlehead

He sounds absolutely intolerable from at least a sexual point of view. Massive hangups, shaming... Asking you what sort of woman you are?

As has been said OP, either sit this arsehole down for some hard truths or else get yourself out of dodge and with a man who can actually respect a woman's sexual needs and desires.

otto_26

Grace_31 wrote: »

Hi All,

Just looking for some advice please. I have been with my partner for 3 years. Our sex life has always been great no complaints either side.
Recently I have been exhausted....working late.....completing a degree by night aswell as the school drop offs and collections etc...its been hectic.
Last night I was wrecked and went to bed before him. He came in some time later not sure how long and woke me a few times looking for sex. I was so tired I just said try to get some rest, up early in the morning, really tired....
Then he was just up on me so i said all the above again....
I turned to my side and then i heard him masturbating beside me....I didnt know what to say at first so after a minute or so i said "What are you doing"? and he said what do you mean what am i doing? So i repeated the same question around 3 - 4 times and he met me back with the same response each time.
I know that a lot of people do it and thats fine....But we have never done that....He would have issues if i got a vibrator for example a topic we discussed previously. So before when he was hectic with college etc and wasnt in the mood i just went to sleep. Is it too much to expect the same in return?
I then got up and he followed me and started saying that he had already done it and that he had done it at least 30 times in the last year right there beside me and that I should be ashamed of myself....What kind of woman am I etc....
I didnt really know what to say to this at all.... How was this my fault? Its not like we havent had sex in years.....We had great sex on sunday night (night before last).
I was awake half the night I couldnt sleep....alas I am here seeking advice.

I'm confused why you would have a problem in anyway to him masturbating after you rejected him for sex? He's more than entitled to relieve himself just as much as you are to refuse sex.

You don't deserve to be woken up or spoken to the way you were for rejecting him and he doesn't deserve to be spoken to like the way you spoke to him because he was masturbating.

leggo

FWIW, I'd put the comments he made in the fight afterwards down to shame and embarrassment more than it being an indicator of what he really thinks. As soon as I read it and tried to put myself in his head following you down to begin with, that struck me. It's not okay and I'm not excusing his actions at all, that's a horrible coping mechanism to just deflect and gaslight someone, it's just you shouldn't feel that that's what he thinks about you. They were empty words said trying to deflect the shame.

This guy needs to be trained, fast, or left. And OP you don't seem like the type of person that will allow yourself to be walked over, every instinct you've had here is bang on the money and you should trust your gut because you have your head screwed on.

You guys need to re-draw the rules of the relationship: he should be allowed touch himself and so should you. That's a ridiculous rule that shouldn't be respected because a) it doesn't work both ways and b) is totally controlling behaviour born only out of his own insecurities. He should deal with his insecurities instead of expecting you to accommodate them with irrational rules about what you do or don't do with your own body. As for whether he (and you) should be able to masturbate in the bed...I'm 50-50. I mean, it's not MY thing personally (I'd be much like yourself in my views on it), but at the same time it is his bed too, so that's something you guys need to figure out and respect. Seeing your body as his to peruse at his leisure? No. Just no. That's an instant dealbreaker and you need to make it clear that if he ever jumps up on you again without consent you'll leave him immediately (I'd go further and say leave him and go to the guards but I'm harsh like that). There can be zero tolerance there because it's not a good road to go down, it'll only get worse.

You need to take your liberty back: there's respecting his feelings and there's allowing his insecurities and personality flaws to walk all over you. He needs to know you're serious and respect that. If he can, there's every reason you guys will continue to do great as a couple going forward. If he argues, deflects, gaslights, or later goes back on his word...you really need to evaluate the relationship I fear.

racso1975

otto_26 wrote: »

I'm confused why you would have a problem in anyway to him masturbating after you rejected him for sex? He's more than entitled to relieve himself just as much as you are to refuse sex.

You don't deserve to be woken up or spoken to the way you were for rejecting him and he doesn't deserve to be spoken to like the way you spoke to him because he was masturbating.

So it was ok for him to have a toss in the bed beside her? He couldn't of got up and went to the jax or another room??

tara73

racso1975 wrote: »

So it was ok for him to have a toss in the bed beside her? He couldn't of got up and went to the jax or another room??

from my point of view, it's not the thing he's done it beside her. for me it's a sign of a trustful, loving relationship to be able to masturbate next to your partner. I wouldn't have a problem with it, as long as he desn't disturb my sleep.

but it's the situation here, him kind of jumping on her, not respecting her no and wish to sleep and the ridiculous double standard he's obviously 'allowed' to masturbate but she's not.

as said, ridiculous, childish, more so bullyish behaviour of your bf, I would have a very, very strong word with him.

GingerLily

tara73 wrote: »

from my point of view, it's not the thing he's done it beside her. for me it's a sign of a trustful, loving relationship to be able to masturbate next to your partner. I wouldn't have a problem with it, as long as he desn't disturb my sleep.

but it's the situation here, him kind of jumping on her, not respecting her no and wish to sleep and the ridiculous double standard he's obviously 'allowed' to masturbate but she's not.

as said, ridiculous, childish, more so bullyish behaviour of your bf, I would have a very, very strong word with him.

I don't think it's appropriate to do it beside your partner while they sleep, for one thing that amount of moving would wake me and that by itself is a bit selfish

James Iceberg

racso1975 wrote: »

So it was ok for him to have a toss in the bed beside her? He couldn't of got up and went to the jax or another room??

On what basis would you say it's not ok? What activities are ok to do in bed beside your oarnter and what are not ok?

otto_26

racso1975 wrote: »

So it was ok for him to have a toss in the bed beside her? He couldn't of got up and went to the jax or another room??

Yes. Why wouldn't it? You'd swear masturbating is some evil crime or something.

otto_26

GingerLily wrote: »

I don't think it's appropriate to do it beside your partner while they sleep, for one thing that amount of moving would wake me and that by itself is a bit selfish

I'm assuming that's why people go on dates/ go out together to get to know each other. So when you start living together ye are both on the same wave length for things like this.

Just because you don't agree with it doesn't mean it's wrong. Plenty of men and women have no problem whats so ever with their partner masturbating beside them.

And like I said already he is more than entitled to relieve himself just as the OP is more than entitled to reject him for sex.

Meauldsegosha

GingerLily wrote: »

I don't think it's appropriate to do it beside your partner while they sleep, for one thing that amount of moving would wake me and that by itself is a bit selfish

Why not? My partner works shifts so I'm regularly asleep when he comes to bed. I know he masterbates, it doesn't bother me and he never wakes me. I'm a light sleeper btw. It's a natural thing to masterbate, why anyone would want to stop their partner from doing it is beyond me.

GingerLily

Meauldsegosha wrote: »

Why not? My partner works shifts so I'm regularly asleep when he comes to bed. I know he masterbates, it doesn't bother me and he never wakes me. I'm a light sleeper btw. It's a natural thing to masterbate, why anyone would want to stop their partner from doing it is beyond me.

Loads of things are natural, I am just off the opinion that a partner shouldn't do it right beside you!
If it doesn't bother you then I guess it's fine for your relationship, but I think there is nothing wrong in asking your partner that they don't do it beside you while you sleep.