Suggestions please

LegacyUser

I am writing this in utter frustration.
I'm late thirties, divorced, kids, and have been single seven years, apart from a few dates here and there. So having been totally out of the loop for the last year, I decided to jump on line last night and create a profile. Funny thing is I got loads of hits and messages, and I got chatting with this one guy who seemed reasonable....all grand, chatting about our jobs etc and then he just texted me back was I sure I wanted to meet him for a date because I am a solicitor and he is an artist. I am so totally sick of this. I just want to meet someone with whom I have a good laugh and shared interests. He is really well regarded in his field, so why should it be an issue. He has commissions booked for the next three years!
Anyway this is the general theme for me, I sometimes think if I said I was a different profession, or worked part time that I might actually get a date!
I am so sick of people telling me that I am gorgeous, and funny etc etc , and to be honest if I hear the phrase "I can't believe you're single" one more time, I'm going to bloody explode. I feel woeful, now I remember why I deleted my previous profile.
The last guy I had a semi relationship with finished with me because he was a carpenter.
What is wrong with men. I'm not looking for someone to pay my bills. I just can't bear being single anymore, it's actually killing me, I need someone in my life, I don't want to compromise myself, but I can't find anyone.

Austria!

Maybe because I'm that little bit younger and I know a lot of people with not too much money, but having a partner with a good job would be a plus, not a negative. I would say you just got a bit unlucky with some idiots. With with most, what you think is holding you back is really an advantage, so keep at it. And if you get loads of hits and messages it seems like you're not in any danger of staying single for longer than you want, even bearing in mind most of these messengers are not exactly catches.

Xterminator

HI OP

I want to say, i completely understand where you coming from. Im sure it does get right under your skin.

BUT you do understand that some people do not see things that way, don't you? You appear to be the epitome of success to some people. Great job that presumably pays well, have your **** together; and gorgeous too?

and that can be intimidating. try to understand. You are looking for the person who looks at you for who you are. They are out there, but its probably like looking for a nugget of gold in a river bed of sand.

I think that the 1st couple of dates is the killer. once people get to know you, they will see past the superficial. So don't give up - but you might consider if something like meetups/social clubs etc rather than one to one scenarios might work better for you?

Dixie Chick

I think you are a bit het up about a simple question. Some people only see solictors on tv etc and may not understand that it is just a job like every other. It seems you flew off the handle there by being totally sick of it after just one question?

And to be sick of people telling you that you are funny, gorgeous etc....sounds like you have anger issues to be honest.

racso1975

Dixie Chick wrote: »

I think you are a bit het up about a simple question. Some people only see solictors on tv etc and may not understand that it is just a job like every other. It seems you flew off the handle there by being totally sick of it after just one question?

And to be sick of people telling you that you are funny, gorgeous etc....sounds like you have anger issues to be honest.

Nope. It sounds like shes pissed off hearing it yet continues to be single.

Hey OP. On this particular incident I would maybe consider it from his point of view. Stereotypes are so because a number of people think the same way. you see the point above about what people see on tele. So if we look at your profession stereo typical views would be intelligent, hard working, well paid, upper class etc etc and I am sure you have heard those said to you.

If we think artist, people often say arty farty, not a real job, no continuity of employment, certainly not upper class unless very successful, a different type of intelligence etc etc. Now if your man has heard those, read them etc or worse had them said to him by previous dates it may be understandable why he gave you a get out clause. if I were you I'd just text him back and say yup I am sure and I am looking forward to it.

The last guy I had a semi relationship with finished with me because he was a carpenter.

That may have been what he told you but that was probably not the case. If it was then you were just unlucky to meet a knob.

Best of luck with it.

njs030

Just to let you know op every woman gets loads of messages when they join a site. Not taking away from you at all but don't read too much into it.

You do sound like you have a few issues though, getting annoyed about a simple question is a bit over the top.

Maybe you need to think about what you want from dating first?

miamee

I can understand your exasperation OP. There are some people out there who believe women are looking for a man to take care of them financially...maybe this was his way of reiterating to you that that is (potentially) never going to happen. It's possibly a little insecurity on his part - he may have had negative feedback with regard to his profession himself on dates.
However getting this annoyed about him saying this to you would lead me to believe you are just not ready for online dating at the moment. It is tough going at the best of times. Perhaps deactivate your profile for another while and think about how to approach the subject of careers if it comes up in the future. It really shouldn't be this big a deal.

Emme

OP a lot of men in their late 30s, and 40s are PARANOID that a woman is looking to leech of them or for them to support her. I thought that they would be delighted with somebody who has a good job and is independent. Maybe try getting out in the real world and meeting people face to face? A lot of idiots hang out online messing with no intention of dating anyone. Others are just there for sex.

LegacyUser

Why did you react so badly to that question?? He was being honest that he's feeling a little insecure that you have this high flying career and he's 'just' an artist and perhaps it's not held in such high regard because of its inconsistency. Why not just say ah don't be silly sure I find artists really interesting etc etc. If I was you I would avoid talking about my job so much, talk about your interests outside of work, keep conversation around the person you are that's not got to do with your job, you are not your profession. I definitely don't want to talk about my career that much on a date, I don't want people judging me on it, or thinking I think I'm super successful or a particular type of person going just on what I do. You talking all about your work maybe has people intimidated, let them get to know you enough to not be intimidated or put off by a stereotype or image they've made up in their head.

Permabear

This post has been deleted.

silverharp

its refreshing OP that you are willing to cast your net wider and in the case of your artist friend he should have realised his own social cachet. Still looking around I dont know any couple where the wife is obviously both the main earner and better educated so if there is an expectation it is that you really only want someone who is at least financially or socially equal and sucks if it doesnt happen to be true in your case but likewise a lot of men want to be in someway in the driving seat or may not relish the idea of coming home to an empty house every night (which again may not be true) and obviously having kids will split your pool again.
Online isnt the best as you probably have less opportunity to get through preconceptions so meeting socially is better, I assume you have an au pair or some flexible childcare options to free you up? random thought here but are there real introduction services in Ireland? if so that might be worth trying as it would filter out the messers and might help move things along.

Dixie Chick

I totally understand that you would get frustrated BTW by being told you tick all the boxes yet still finding yourself single. When I was single I was told the same a few times and I found that until I was willing to calm down myself, as in not take every date so seriously, to go with the flow etc, that I did manage to settle into a relationship.

Bets of luck OP

sbsquarepants

You sound a bit touchy to be honest.
Maybe he just meant would you really be into an arty farty type like himself, you seem to be taking it as "Sorry, I just don't do solicitors"

It was a fairly innocuous and simple question - How did you answer?

Dr Crayfish

Right - so a bloke said, sorry I can't go out with you any more, I'm only a carpenter

For real?

Idle Passerby

You must realise that some people have been dating online for weeks r months and get tired of people initially showing an interest only to drop off the face of the earth after their ego has been sufficiently stroked. People ask questions to reassure themselves the person they are chatting to is genuinely interested and not just going to string them along.

I get it that the income insecurity is annoying, but everyone will have some aspect of their life/personality that potential partners will want reassurance about. I wouldn't take it so personally.

BetsyEllen

OP as someone who is also using online dating, I can understand that it's frustrating and I don't agree that you are touchy/angry etc as others have said.

What I will say is maybe try and see it from his point of view.
He may have had negative comments previously about his profession, as some may assume he doesn't have a 'proper' job as this is (wrongly) what the word 'artist' can bring to mind.

So he may just want to protect himself from getting hurt/ghosted etc again and is just getting that question out the way from the get go so he knows he is not wasting his time.

OP, what did you say when he said this? Did you go off on a rant with him?

daithi7

Divorced, solicitor, with kids, more than a bit desperate, touchy(maybe angry even) and definitely not very understanding, just can't understand why she is still single......why, oh why!?

Hmmmm...... the answer is right there in the question ,me thinks.

Big Bag of Chips

I doubt the other fella finished with you because he was a carpenter!! If he liked you enough that wouldn't matter. Maybe he said that to soften the blow? His version of "it's not you, it's me". When in actual fact he just wasn't feeling it with you. Not everyone is going to be attracted to you, same as you are not going to be attracted to everyone. Ticking all the boxes is fine on paper, and there are probably thousands of people who would 'tick all the boxes' for us, but it's the stuff that can't be defined by boxes that make a couple. Friends tick all the boxes, and that's why we're friends with them, partners tick all the boxes and then have that added something that makes us want to be in a relationship with them above anyone else.

I think you need to calm yourself down a bit! Online dating, by all accounts is a mine field/a numbers game/all about timing. Men will have their insecurities the same as women and rather than asking you if you were sure you wanted to go out with him being a dig at you, he was probably fishing for a compliment of "of course, you're lovely" that never came. We all ask leading questions sometimes. Especially if we're feeling a bit nervous and need reassurance. It doesn't mean he's intimidated by you. Just that he's nervous about the whole online dating thing, in general. He may even have been tongue-in-cheek. I'd think that was perfectly reasonable. I think sometimes people get overly offended by situations that really were not designed to cause offense at all. I rarely take offense to what people say, because I'm not waiting to be offended. I'm sure life would be much more difficult if I was reading deeper meaning into things... Then again, maybe there have been times where somethimg went over my head, and I wasn't offended when I should have been. But hey! I'm happy in my little bubble of thinking most people aren't out to take a dig at me.

"Suggestions please"
If you want to go on a date with a fella, say "yes" when he says "are you sure you want to go on a date with me?"