Locked out of family home.

LegacyUser

Hi,
I have never gotten on with my step father and after 1 too many drunken fights with my mother, told him I didn't want anything to do with him anymore. I have always had a good relationship with my mam but she is just a weak person and he is a bully. I left the home (leaving 2 younger siblings behind) and my grandmother took me in. Last night we went to collect some of my belongings as I left with just the clothes on my back, he forced myself and my grandmother to leave 'his house' as he put it and this morning changed the locks. My mam also text me this morning, with him watching over her shoulder im sure, saying she is siding with him and wants nothing to do with me, her mother or that side of the family anymore. I am now left with nothing materialwise. I genuinely don't even know where to start with this mess.

GingerLily

Can you clarify who was drinking and who argued with who?

Loveinapril

How old are you?

Mrs OBumble

How old are you? This has a big impact on your rights and options here.

Also do you believe he is abusing your siblings in any way, and if so what age are they?

LegacyUser

Please don't just roll over and take such abuse. Be assertive and show this man that you won't be bullied. Your mother has made her choice and as unsavoury as it is you still need to respect it. But you also need to show your stepfather that you're not a doormat. Be respectful and non-combative, but put him in his place or he's likely to keep treating you like an outsider in your own family.

racso1975

Klexxie wrote: »

Please don't just roll over and take such abuse. Be assertive and show this man that you won't be bullied. Your mother has made her choice and as unsavoury as it is you still need to respect it. But you also need to show your stepfather that you're not a doormat. Be respectful and non-combative, but put him in his place or he's likely to keep treating you like an outsider in your own family.

Hi can I ask have you any suggestions on how he can do that? This is not me having a go but would just like to hear how he would achieve the above?

Jurgen Klopp

If he wants to collect personal effects can he not get a Garda to come with him if he explains the situation? Or is that only if he feels threatened?

LegacyUser

Hi,
OP here
Thanks for the replies.
Im 24 years, and I dont drink at all. As for my step father, his drinking has been a constant in my entire life time, a massive weekend bust up with my mother and as i have grown older, have gotten involved to try and calm things down. Me siblings are 19 and 17.
I know in time when things calm down, i'll keep some sort of relationship with my mother, how i'll go about that i would appreciate tips on. As for getting my belongings back, he has told my siblings not to allow me or any of my mothers family in to the house. I cannot afford legal recourse on this matter and im also worried about the tole it will take on my grandmother.

Ursus Horribilis

Would it be worth going to the gardai about this? Before he destroys your stuff or sends it out in a wheelie bin.

twill

Jurgen Klopp wrote: »

If he wants to collect personal effects can he not get a Garda to come with him if he explains the situation? Or is that only if he feels threatened?

Could you try this, OP? Maybe ask someone from the local Garda station if they would do this?

GingerLily

Thanks for clarifying OP. Contact the Gardai, they'll let you collect your things without trouble.
Unfortunately your mother is in an abusive relationship with an alcoholic, I'm so sorry for you OP, it's heartbreaking to see a loved one in this situation.

My best advice is sort out your own life now, assuming you'll never return to that home, and keep the doors open to your mum, one day she might have the courage to leave and she'll need support, abusers best weapon is to make sure their victim has no support network, don't let him win.

Good luck OP

MaroonAndGreen

GingerLily wrote:

Thanks for clarifying OP. Contact the Gardai, they'll let you collect your things without trouble. Unfortunately your mother is in an abusive relationship with an alcoholic, I'm so sorry for you OP, it's heartbreaking to see a loved one in this situation.

In an abusive relationship with an alcoholic. That's some jump you took after reading not very much at all...

Atari Jaguar

MaroonAndGreen wrote: »

In an abusive relationship with an alcoholic. That's some jump you took after reading not very much at all...

A blind man could see this is an alcoholic. As far as abusive I couldn't say - but constant fighting drunk is alcoholic in my book.

Clowningaround

GingerLily wrote: »

Thanks for clarifying OP. Contact the Gardai, they'll let you collect your things without trouble.
Unfortunately your mother is in an abusive relationship with an alcoholic, I'm so sorry for you OP, it's heartbreaking to see a loved one in this situation.

My best advice is sort out your own life now, assuming you'll never return to that home, and keep the doors open to your mum, one day she might have the courage to leave and she'll need support, abusers best weapon is to make sure their victim has no support network, don't let him win.

Good luck OP

I agree with Gingerlily. Plus your siblings are old enough now to get out too if they wish, but they might find it very difficult to leave your mam in that situation. Just don't let your life be ruined by all this. And don't worry about your material things. There's so much more to life. I spent thousands on material crap in my 20's and that money could have been saved for a house. Sorry bit of a rant and getting away from subject. Enjoy the Christmas with your grandmother and try to relax until the new year. You can tackle the problem then ( mentally emotionally and practically)

FizzleSticks

This post has been deleted.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies everyone.

Tbh I wouldn't even know about how to get a garda to escort me to collect my belongings, I'd assume I cant just walk up to the station and kindly ask.
I genuinely don't care about most of the possessions but some photos or deceased family and mementos I wont allow to stay in his possession.

I do agree to move on and will do everything I can in the new year to maintain a relationship with my mother and siblings and cut him from my life.

Again, your replies are much appreciated and I know this is small fry compared to other peoples issues.
Have a great christmas to all

IvoryTower

It's not small fry at all, awful situation

Ursus Horribilis

locked out alone wrote: »

Tbh I wouldn't even know about how to get a garda to escort me to collect my belongings, I'd assume I cant just walk up to the station and kindly ask.

That's exactly what people are advising you to do.

Fakediamond

Yes, you can walk into the Garda station and ask for help, they're well used to dealing with family disputes. Would your Grandmother, or another family member go with you, if you find that a bit daunting? You're entitled to get your possessions and it's better that way than having big confrontations at the front door. You're dealing with an unreasonable bully and you need help.

Very best wishes to you, I hope you'll be able to have a peaceful Christmas with your extended family.

GingerLily

Good luck OP, it's a very emotional situation and it's going to be tough but you seem to have a good head on your shoulders!! You can do this, we're all rooting for you.

JustAThought

Can your siblings/brothers not simply get the photos & stuff you really want & medt you somewhere to give it to you?

Not a nice way to leave home at all.
If you don't mind me asking did your Dad pass away & are you leaving part of your inheritence? If so, the time is now to go to s Free Legal Advice Centre & get help.

I gather that at this stage its not somewhere you can or want to live anymore; sadly.

Surreptitious

It is true the guards will go with you if you just explain the situation. It's your stuff and you're entitled to have it. He can't do much when they're there or he will be done for assault. This is the best advice you've been given and if he drinks a lot, could you find a time maybe when he's gone to the pub where you could sneak in and be out as soon as possible. I hope you get through this.

happywithlife

MaroonAndGreen wrote: »

In an abusive relationship with an alcoholic. That's some jump you took after reading not very much

Not really. Op clarified drinking has been a constant in his step father's life. Drinking at the weekends lead to a bust up with his wife. It has now lead to a massive row that has split the family in two.. . I would confidently say step father has issues with misusing alcohol

Op I would contact the guards too in this case. Usually they are sympathetic in such circumstances and can arrange to accompany you to collect your belongings - this will depend on resources in your local station though. As for how to proceed with step father- personally for now I'd cut him out of my life but take the bigger view that there may be family occassions where you will have to deal with his presence. Keep in contact with your mum and siblings even if you don't hear anything back for now - make it a point of sending a weekly text at least - you never know when you will catch them at a point when they are ready to respond to you.
Get yourself to an al anon meeting too for some support for yourself. Best of luck!