Opinions please?

KVA60

Yes, this is a work issue but also a personal issue so I'd really like this to stay in personal issues rather than be moved to work problems, if possible. (I work in hr so I want more of a general than professional opinion please)

I started a high pressurised role about 9 months ago. When I came in, the organisational structure was in chaos so it was very stressful. It's a performance driven role so if you don't produce results you don't pass probation. Our team had no management structure when I came and two team members left (unbeknownst to me when I took the job) two weeks before I left. I wasn't properly integrated and trained and given the environment--several of my colleagues were very intimidating and had spoken to me in appropriate ways. I found them quite intimidating but it's also the nature of the job. Four months in, they move in a manager from a competitor and it was an absolute blessing. She was amazing and really helped turned the team around. Fast forward to now, I've passed probation and am one of the highest preforming team members. I also suffer from depression and anxiety, but I've managed to keep this under control and no one knows. I'm very close with several of my colleagues and they've not noticed and it obviously has not impacted my performance.
The manager has become quite cliquey with some of the team members, e.g. Driving them home from work letting leave early etc. She's also changed a lot. She seems to powertrip with these team members and gets too involved with others work, treats others differently. This seems to be with the younger team members. I thought it was just me who noticed and put it down to negative thinking until two other team members separately mentioned it to me they felt this. I didn't mention I had been feeling that way. A new team member joined and also commented on it.
So a few days ago I was quite stressed, the way my manager asks me things can either be very snappy or overly kind. We do get along for the most part.
The other day I walked in to have my lunch and she was sitting with one of the cliquey team members, this was in the office. I realise now I should have went to the canteen to get a break, I had a crazy few days and did 2 weeks work in one month as my clients are trying to get work signed off before xmas. So she started firing questions at me and i got stressed. Her demenour was unprofessional but it was water off a ducks back. I had another issue that came up and there was no one in the company to resolve it, it was a bit stressful and I probably did look quite anxious. She can be very fake and patronising which annoys most people but not me up until now.
She pulled me aside on a one to one yesterday and was very patronising asking was I ok. I said yes reassured her and she kept probing, saying I don't think you are..no something is wrong..this went on for a few minutes and I eventually lost it and started crying.there are 100 plus employees in the company and I was in a meeting room (stained glass) but still very visible I was crying, I'm sure some people saw. For someone who suffers with anxiety this felt awful and i was so worried people would see. I felt it was very inappropriate. She doesn't like to be challenged and I had gone to someone above her for clarification on something so I think this may have pissed her off, she didn't react too well. She said as my manager it's her job to do this but I feel she triggered me into a panic attack. This has never happened in my professional career. She was very patronising throughout the whole thing (1 hr long) until I eventually told her she was making it worse and to leave me on my own. I feel this is inappropriate and I'm very upset. I feel she nit picks me and not the clique and makes big deals out of things to power trip. I feel she wanted this reaction out of me, I told her yes sorry thanks for your concern several times. Is this inappropriate?
Sorry so long and if you've read this all, thank you

KVA60

Sorry op here again I left out some details that are slightly important,
While she was telling me this she said a few things that contributed to me getting upset/--she said "you look like you're annoyed" "you look like want to slap me right now"...while this was going on. She said she was joking but I found it upsetting and intimidating. She was saying this the whole time in the beginning when I kept telling her I was not overstressed, I was fine she was saying this and that contributed me to crack.

CiboC

It's hard to tell from your description, as you have had to summarise a 9 month work relationship into a few paragraphs.

You seem to be looking at this in as negative a light as possible, that she was deliberately goading you into breaking down. Has she done anything specifically that would make you think she has her nose out of joint over something you have done? Bear in mind her being snappy on occasion may be as a result of stress she is under.

It is possible that this episode was motivated by genuine concern on her part, that she had noticed that you were under stress even if you thought you had hidden it. She did pull you aside somewhere private to have a conversation with no one else present, which would indicate that she wasn't trying to embarrass you in front of colleagues. If she wanted to pile more pressure on top of you as a form of 'payback' she could have done that instead, but she didn't.

Leaving aside this particular case, as a general principle I think it is the duty of a manager to try to look after the welfare of colleagues, particularly if they appear to be under stress or pressure.

Is it possible that you are just looking at it from a negative perspective, that the motivations you are attributing to it are not in fact there?

KVA60

Thanks for the reply. I am probably seeing this as a personal attack but I can't help it after the way in which it was done. I know she did it to look after my welfare as that's her job..but it was the way in which she did it. After I'd said I was fine, looking forward to Christmas and I'd just done a lot of work in a short space of time she just wouldn't give it up. Asking me 3,4,5 times and then telling me, ok you look really angry that I'm saying this to you, I can read your body language you're definitely upset.."you look like you'd like to slap me right now" .,.i found that strange even if it was meant as a joke. That's what broke me down and I felt it was bullying That's the part that upset me..you don't keep prodding at someone and saying things like that in my opinion. She did her job and I told her I was fine, i felt there was no need for it. Sorry for all that superfluous info in orIginal post

meeeeh

I don't think the post is that unclear in description of situation. But if you took out the bits about how you perceived the situation the rest could read as manager being concerned for wellbeing of an employee. I genuinely can't tell if it was done with any malicious intent or because she was worried. Is there a possibility that you are not managing depression and anxiety as well as you might thought and others started to notice it?

KVA60

meeeeh wrote: »

I don't think the post is that unclear in description of situation. But if you took out the bits about how you perceived the situation the rest could read as manager being concerned for wellbeing of an employee. I genuinely can't tell if it was done with any malicious intent or because she was worried. Is there a possibility that you are not managing depression and anxiety as well as you might thought and others started to notice it?

Thanks, that's a good point and the reason I posted. I understand the intention it's just the things that were said at the meeting and the way it is was executed. I had said within the first few minutes that I understood where she was coming from but I was fine and thanks for her concern..after which she asked if she was pissing me off? When I said no she commented on my body language, I told her no I genuinely wasn't..and she just kept going with the questions which led me to get upset. I just feel she provoked me to get upset by her questioning and it could have been handled more professionally.

KVA60

meeeeh wrote: »

I don't think the post is that unclear in description of situation. But if you took out the bits about how you perceived the situation the rest could read as manager being concerned for wellbeing of an employee. I genuinely can't tell if it was done with any malicious intent or because she was worried. Is there a possibility that you are not managing depression and anxiety as well as you might thought and others started to notice it?

Thanks, that's a good point and the reason I posted. I understand the intention it's just the things that were said at the meeting and the way it is was executed. I had said within the first few minutes that I understood where she was coming from but I was fine and thanks for her concern..after which she asked if she was pissing me off? When I said no she commented on my body language, I told her no I genuinely wasn't..and she just kept going with the questions which led me to get upset. I just feel she provoked me to get upset by her questioning and it could have been handled more professionally.

njs030

KVA60 wrote: »

Thanks, that's a good point and the reason I posted. I understand the intention it's just the things that were said at the meeting and the way it is was executed. I had said within the first few minutes that I understood where she was coming from but I was fine and thanks for her concern..after which she asked if she was pissing me off? When I said no she commented on my body language, I told her no I genuinely wasn't..and she just kept going with the questions which led me to get upset. I just feel she provoked me to get upset by her questioning and it could have been handled more professionally.

To me it all sounds a bit odd. I would wonder if your interpretation of events is maybe less balanced because you are anxious and depressed?
Your entire post is very jumbled and has a feel of someone who is anxious and reading into everything as them being excluded when perhaps other workmates just like each other better- that's normal.

I think as said above you might not be hiding things as well as you think and possibly you're overanalysing small things too.
However if you feel you're being bullied report it.

LegacyUser

Your anxiety is making you perceive a normal enough situation as an attack. Because you are so concerned with covering up this anxiety, the questions your manager was asking you made you panic and fired you into fight or flight mode and everything about the whole scenario went a bit crazy in your head.
She has picked up on your nervousness/discomfort/unease around her or in general and simply took the opportunity, rightly or wrongly to get to the bottom of what is up, whether she had done something on you or what was on your mind. Looking objectively at what actually happened there was no bad intent as far as I can see but you were perceiving everything like that because of your anxiety. Your body language and vibes were telling her something was wrong. You obviously didn't want to say what you said above that she is patronising and cliquey and fake and all that, and you definitely don't want to say you have anxiety and depression so your mind went into major defence and catastrophising mode and everything she asked you took as an attack because it was about things you find very uncomfortable to talk about.
If you were calm and didn't go into this fight or flight panic mode you would have simply said about the other issue you were dealing with and maybe said you're under a lot of pressure and used the situation to have a chat about things. Whatever about this situation you need better coping mechanisms for your anxiety, otherwise innocuous scenarios and things will become minefields and dramas in your head and you will be constantly on edge and negative.

Lucuma

Fair play to you for not telling her about the depression and anxiety! And don't ever tell her no matter how much she pressurises you in future.
You can say that the reason you cried was because of the intensity of the conversation and your desire to do your best at your job.

I think you have a great insight into what's happening here and you really see this woman for what she is. I say trust your instincts. Our instincts are right 99% of the time and the rest you can fill in with professional experience.

So I say well done and dont' let her corner you or get you into that kind of situation again. And whatever you do DO NOT ADMIT weakness to this woman such as that you aren't able for your workload etc. I think she's trying to get you into trouble in work and I don't think her motives are genuine. Keep your guard up !!!

(I once burst into tears in front of a psychopatic manager and he was all sympathetic at the time, even held my bloody hand!! and he let me go 1 month later) I am a self employed consultant so I live by the sword and die by the sword. Don't ever show weakness in front of those types

Skibunny77

This woman's behaviour was pretty poor. No manager should ever try and pressure someone like that to divulge their personal emotional state. Completely inappropriate. Chalk this up to experience OP, be prepared next time to tell her firmly that you are willing to discuss any issues related to your work but that you are uncomfortable with her style of questioning and don't need to confide any personal issues!

LynnGrace

Skibunny77 wrote: »

This woman's behaviour was pretty poor. No manager should ever try and pressure someone like that to divulge their personal emotional state. Completely inappropriate. Chalk this up to experience OP, be prepared next time to tell her firmly that you are willing to discuss any issues related to your work but that you are uncomfortable with her style of questioning and don't need to confide any personal issues!

Sounds quite unprofessional carry on, on her part.

Look after yourself. Don't worry about whether people might or might not have seen you crying. They will have forgotten that as soon as they were back at their desks, if they did notice.