Friendzoned for now

miss choc

So I met this guy on a facebook events page it is a small group and we all used to chat about stuff online for months. Because I didnt know this guy well and wanted to start chatting to him I decided to take the plunge one night and pm him just to has a chat he is usually online late. So we are chatting over and back about a month and have a lot in common in terms of eating, same taste in music, events and we had stuff in common re past stuff. I braved it and said casually I'd be in town if wanna meet for a coffee as I didnt want it sounding like a date and we met and chatted for 3 hrs mid week I was gonna say I liked him there and then but I bottled it.
Our xmas party was that Friday so when he came in I bided my time and went over to say hello to him after an hour or so I said I liked him whoosh he said he was kinda seeing someone from the group (who is lovely) but I haden't a clue I felt so stupid but being the nice guy that he is said he did like me but if situations were different. I was a mix of sad, relieved angry all at the same time. Two days later he pm'ed to check I was ok I said I was probably not though cos I kinda have feels for him and he texted me again yesterday to check on me. I hate having these feelings and nearly wish I had known he was with her before I made a fool of myself. The weird thing is to any of my friends we would not be suited I am way older, have a house, car, job out of an ltr he is way younger, renting, no car and works part time to me it's not about material things anymore it's about the guy that will make me happy I dont know if I felf for him cos he was nice to me or cos I want to mother him (he has depression) like my ex. I dont know what to do I wish I could just do the friends but it's hard but I dont want to be immature and blank him as he's really sound. Would love some advice.

unknowngirl!!

You certainly haven't made a fool of yourself. You did a very brave thing by telling him you liked him. He seems like a very decent guy judging by his reaction and actions afterwards, it's understandable you felt drawn to him.

You can have no regrets as you let him know how you feel. The timing isn't great now but you never know what the future holds. For now you need to move on, think of yourself and you never know the day you'll meet someone else. Try not to overthink it and obsess about him as there really is nothing more for you to do at the moment.

Mr. Incognito

Friendzoned "For Now"

Sounds like you are going to hang around like a bad smell hoping he'll break up with his current squeeze.

I think you need to cut contact and move on personally as it will stop you meeting someone else. Plenty more fish etc.

LegacyUser

I think the best advice you can get is not over-invest in future. According to your post, you had met this guy once before. No matter how much you chatted online, that's no basis for any kind of a declaration that you "like" someone.
You also say you felt some anger at finding out he wasn't free. What? Do you imagine he owed it to you to be free or something? Really, you had no right to any expectations and certainly no right to be angry about his response.
I don't get your checklist either, so what if he's renting or has no car? If those things are that important to you then leave him alone, why want to be with somebody who doesn't have the things you imagine will make you happy? What's the point in that?


I think you built something up in your head here and didn't stop to think about how he might see it or what he might want and the best thing you can do is walk it off and have a check of how you imagined yourself into this position so you can avoid doing it again.

miss choc

Thanks I guess cos I never have gone right in there and said to a guy straight out I like them for me it was a big step but now refreshingly I feel I could say it again to another guy cos I took that brave step and did something I never would have done. It would have killed me if I never said anything and then saw him with the girl situation not ideal but I was telling my friends and they are worried I am falling for a guy who is not like me no stability financially and is depressed like its just because he is being nice to me I am falling for it. I am only a year single from a 10 yr relationship so have to make sure my heart doesnt do all the thinking.
Coming up to Christmas you can get caught up in love, couples and emotions and I find it hard I want to get to a stage to be friends with him as he still wants to be my head knows he is not the right guy not just because of the other girl but because I feel I would have to emotionally support him like my ex which drained me and financially support him I feel I just like him because he's a good guy

miss choc

Lol no you see that is what I'm dont care about I am totally low maintenance and totally now dont care about the shallow material things it's more a guy on an emotion/click with level I want. The point I made was my friends thought it was weird cos my ex was everything he was not and tbh I dont care what stuff a guy hasnt or hasnt got actually guys showing off rich big car and job is a turn off for me. No I wasn't angry at him just a mix of sad and envy I guess the the other girl who is a nice person I would never tread on her toes and wish them well if they make a go of it I'm not a nasty bitchy person. I guess I just feel I that I hope I havent lost a friendship as we have had good chats going out for coffee and drinks together I dont want to lose him as a friend cos we connect with a lot of personal stuff and sometimes I could do with a friend like that just to have a chat with nothing more as I know it cant be.

Ursus Horribilis

With all due respect, I think you built this up in your head into something more than it should've been. When you "meet" someone online and communicate using the written word, you build up a false picture of them. It's very easy to turn someone you've never met into something they're not. You get to know aspects of their personality, then fill in the gaps and turn them into something they're not. It's especially easy to do this if you're feeling a little lonely and would love to have someone in your life. Especially if they're nice to you (he sounds like a decent bloke) and have brought happiness to your life. Personally, I think you were right not to say something on your first meeting. It would've been a bit much to have said something to a person who was still a stranger.

Going by what you've told us, this might not have worked out anyway. The significant age gap and his depression are both things that would be of concern here. There's also a chance that he made that timing comment to you as a way to soften the blow of rejection.

miss choc

Yeah could be either he did like me or just as a friend I had met him before but was in a group then we would just chat every night for ages about our lives so I probably did let my guard down and confused it with someone liking me. I played it cool and just casually asked if he wanted a coffee and he said yes and it was a nice meet up just one on one without other people so when I was chatting to him in the club I thought why not I havent anything to lose only my dignity lol but sure guys have to do it all the time so there you go at least I know now. The age thing didnt worry me as I have dated guys younger and I look young for my age I was concerned though about the fact he had depression issues on on vallium to help him I think cos we both have issues we just reached out to each other and there was a bond but I dont want to form a relationship on mothering someone. I did that with my ex and there is only so much you can do to help people who are in a bad way.

GingerLily

OP, what advice are you looking for? It's hard to follow your posts

miss choc

Well was only looking for other peoples opinions lot of the earlier posts helped I am just bit confused as to where I go from here I would really like to stay friends with him as he is a lovely guy it's awkward to just blank and ignore him cos we are in the same social group he has done nothing wrong as I havent but just wondering if possible to have a friendship I feel I could, I wont go down the feels road esp if he is just seeing someone now at early stages. I just dont want to lose a friend I hope I havent scared him off.

GingerLily

miss choc wrote: »

Well was only looking for other peoples opinions lot of the earlier posts helped I am just bit confused as to where I go from here I would really like to stay friends with him as he is a lovely guy it's awkward to just blank and ignore him cos we are in the same social group he has done nothing wrong as I havent but just wondering if possible to have a friendship I feel I could, I wont go down the feels road esp if he is just seeing someone now at early stages. I just dont want to lose a friend I hope I havent scared him off.

It's up to you and your choice to make, either be his genuine friend or give him space and minimise your contact.

I don't understand why your comparing him to your ex etc. It's really neither here nor there, he's taken at the moment and your just friends.

knucklehead6

Sorry to be blunt about this but you need to cut off contact and stop fantasising about this lad. Otherwise you're heading for a world of second guessing yourself and pain

bucketybuck

miss choc wrote: »

Well was only looking for other peoples opinions lot of the earlier posts helped I am just bit confused as to where I go from here I would really like to stay friends with him as he is a lovely guy it's awkward to just blank and ignore him cos we are in the same social group he has done nothing wrong as I havent but just wondering if possible to have a friendship I feel I could,

Do yourself a massive favour and stop trying to convince yourself that a friendship could work. Let him go right now and save yourself a lot of mental anguish.

You do not have to be friends with everybody you get along with, sometimes in the long run its better to let good people go, this is definitely one of those times.

miss choc

Yeah I guess it's hard cos we are in the same group go to same events and nobody else knows of the situation. I have removed myself from the group last couple of weeks to just clear the head too much Christmas stress and loving going round I need to focus on me and my life and have a fresh start I think for the new year. I've realised that we wouldnt work even if he was single it can get messy if you are in a meet up group and you break up. Better meet someone outside of it. Thanks for advice