Compartmentalised Relationship

LegacyUser

I have been in a relationship for a couple of months now and I'm now sure how I feel about some aspects of it. I've been following the other thread with regards to not socialising together and some it rang some bells with me.

We get on very well, and regularly spend time together. I'm a mother so can't get out all that often but he does call over plenty and at weekends we'll go for walks, lunches etc. I've met his parents when we bumped into them out and about once, he had clearly told them about me, it was him who originally suggested we become exclusive so on that side of things all is good.

We also don't socialise together. I have no problem with him going on lads nights and no desire to join him. I have my girls nights and certainly wouldn't want him tagging along there. However he refuses to go on mixed nights with my friends or with his own. I've invited him to nights out with my friends where there were other couples or singletons in the group.

One particular night I invited him and he told me he didn't feel like going out but then ended up out with another couple who are friends of his. Even worse he acted very poorly towards me when we bumped into each other that night. Acted like he barely knew me and walked away without saying goodbye and then didn't bother contacting me until 4am. It was very embarrassing as this was his first time meeting some good friends of mine. I made it very clear to him that i was upset after this, he apologised and we got passed it.

He mentioned an event with some of his friends recently, again something with a mixed group. He told me he was going and made no effort to invite me. I tried to let it go but it was bothering me so I asked him why he didn't invite me. He fobbed it off saying he might not even go etc etc. I told him that I found this very strange, it feels like he wants to keep me in a box away from the rest of his life and I can't understand why.

I often try to arrange for us to even go out together ourselves and he always has an excuse, doesn't feel like it etc. He goes on work nights out, lads nights, friends nights so I can't understand why he doesn't want to go out with me. He's often non-committal and if something comes up I get dropped.

Other aspects of our relationship are good but this is really off putting to me and I am starting to distance myself from him emotionally. We spend time together alone, and that is all. I don't know why, is he is ashamed of me? or is he keeping things from me that he doesn't want to come out?

I've tried to talk to him about it but he doesn't explain, just says he'll try harder. I don't think it should be that much of a chore to him.

If I could understand it and there was something reasonable explanation I might get passed it. Right now I feel this is just pushing us apart.

Airyfairy12

My ex used to do this, he'd go out all the time without me, if we did go out he'd avoid certain places or suddenly start insisting that we leave the pub and go somewhere else or he'd wander off, if I bumped into him while out with my friends he'd make it quite clear he didnt want me hanging around him.

I eventually discovered he was cheating on me with anything willing, one night I was out and bumped into him one of his mates made a crude joke about my ex being a player, it was humiliating. Im not saying your partner is cheating but please be aware, if he's acting different with you in public places were you'll be seen together, that rings alarm bells.

It might just be that he feels like you just don't blend together on a night out. Have you ever had issues previously when you would go out together?

It feels like the majority of the issues center around nights out.

LegacyUser

You say you're only together a couple of months? Yea he's still not fully committed to the relationship. It is understandable but he should be honest with you, and from the sounds of it he's not going to be that honest with you just going on what you've said in your post. He kind of fobs you off and says whatever will placate you until he makes a decision himself on what he wants. And he could easily keep this up for however long he wants as long as you keep going along with it and meeting him on his little schedule outside of his social life. I mean he likes you well enough, I presume you're sleeping together, it's a handy enough situation as long as he keeps things separate from rest of his life because if he's gets more committed that's where it gets messy. You also have a kid and he is probably worried that if he gets more involved and everything in your lives gets intertwined and then yous break up it will be harder for you and the child. Of course that's the risk you take with relationships but at this point in time he is not wiling to get too involved and you will either have to wait a few more months and see if it improves or move on if you want more right now.

Calypso Realm

inabox wrote: »

One particular night I invited him and he told me he didn't feel like going out but then ended up out with another couple who are friends of his. Even worse he acted very poorly towards me when we bumped into each other that night. Acted like he barely knew me and walked away without saying goodbye and then didn't bother contacting me until 4am. It was very embarrassing as this was his first time meeting some good friends of mine. I made it very clear to him that i was upset after this, he apologised and we got passed it.


I often try to arrange for us to even go out together ourselves and he always has an excuse, doesn't feel like it etc. He goes on work nights out, lads nights, friends nights so I can't understand why he doesn't want to go out with me. He's often non-committal and if something comes up I get dropped.

.

How did he account for his actions on the night out? There is something very 'off' about his behaviour here in that my alarm bells are ringing loudly.

Of course none of us can say for certain what's going on here, but I have to say I'd be very suspicious OP. How exactly did he introduce you to his parents?

I'd also be interested to know wlhen/how his last relationship ended. I wonder if he's still harbouring hopes of getting back with an ex or has his sights set on someone else. Or he's just not very serious about you! I've never encountered this with anyone I've ever dated. In fact it was the exact opposite being actually introduced to friends very early on both sides.

I'd certainly proceed with caution here.

ETA I speak from experience here in that an ex of mine who wanted to rekindle things always 'hid' his new girlfriend from me when we were out. In fact, he'd physically leave his seat and move away from her if I we met up on a night out!

rainbowtrout

OP, I could have written your entire post. Was seeing someone in the past who behaved exactly as your boyfriend is doing. No problem spending time at my house, or going on a walk together etc, but zero interest in going on a night out that involved meeting my friends, and more to the point he didn't invite me along on nights out where his friends would be present. Again like you, if we ran into one of his friends randomly somewhere, and they were questioning the relationship status, he would brush it off.

It doesn't mean he doesn't like you, but to me he doesn't see you as serious relationship material for whatever reason. And that's not your fault. You deserve better. In any walk of life as a relationship develops, you do meet your partner's friends, and there is some compromise on attending nights out/ functions / birthdays as a couple.

My guess is that it feels like a relationship to you as you spend time together as a couple, but for him, he is passing the time, and as soon as he sees someone he wants to have a relationship with, he will be gone like a shot.

The red flag in your post would be in the night you met him by accident and he acted like he barely knew you. He did give you an apology afterwards, but I suspect that was to keep you onside. Realistically any normal person if they ran into their partner on a night out and were with their friends would be 'This is my girlfriend Mary etc etc'


My gut feeling on this also is that when you do go out together in public is that you don't go to places where you are likely to run into his friends ever.

If he is not willing to integrate you into his life, you are never going to be a part of it. I'd get rid to be honest.

LegacyUser

rainbowtrout wrote: »

OP, I could have written your entire post. Was seeing someone in the past who behaved exactly as your boyfriend is doing. No problem spending time at my house, or going on a walk together etc, but zero interest in going on a night out that involved meeting my friends, and more to the point he didn't invite me along on nights out where his friends would be present. Again like you, if we ran into one of his friends randomly somewhere, and they were questioning the relationship status, he would brush it off.

It doesn't mean he doesn't like you, but to me he doesn't see you as serious relationship material for whatever reason. And that's not your fault. You deserve better. In any walk of life as a relationship develops, you do meet your partner's friends, and there is some compromise on attending nights out/ functions / birthdays as a couple.

My guess is that it feels like a relationship to you as you spend time together as a couple, but for him, he is passing the time, and as soon as he sees someone he wants to have a relationship with, he will be gone like a shot.

The red flag in your post would be in the night you met him by accident and he acted like he barely knew you. He did give you an apology afterwards, but I suspect that was to keep you onside. Realistically any normal person if they ran into their partner on a night out and were with their friends would be 'This is my girlfriend Mary etc etc'


My gut feeling on this also is that when you do go out together in public is that you don't go to places where you are likely to run into his friends ever.

If he is not willing to integrate you into his life, you are never going to be a part of it. I'd get rid to be honest.

No to be honest if we bump into people he'll introduce me as his girlfriend. We've eaten in a place his friend owns a couple of times. In fact we eat at quite popular places in the city fairly regularly. We'd stroll around the city centre/shops etc. Just not at night for some reason.

I know that he has told his friends all about me. He would be texting or take calls etc in front of me and would mention me in conversation.

It's just that for all of the time we spend together get he just wants it be us alone. I feel like there is a side to him that I'm not getting to know as I've never seen him interacting with other people. He will avoid anything that involves us spending time with others. If I thought he was just not into socialising that would be fine but I know that he is so I can't understand it.

rainbowtrout

inabox wrote: »

No to be honest if we bump into people he'll introduce me as his girlfriend. We've eaten in a place his friend owns a couple of times. In fact we eat at quite popular places in the city fairly regularly. We'd stroll around the city centre/shops etc. Just not at night for some reason.

I know that he has told his friends all about me. He would be texting or take calls etc in front of me and would mention me in conversation.

I wasn't really suggesting that you are socialising somewhere on the side of a mountain where you wouldn't be seen. It's still easy to socialise in the city centre/popular places and not run into people if you don't want to be seen. He still won't let you mix with his friends. What exactly is the problem here? If you never get to socialise with his friends it's easy to socialise in popular places without meeting them, if you don't know their 'locals' or patterns of movement.

It's also easy not to run into friends in popular restaurants if they are not the dining out type, or if they prefer italian and you always go for chinese etc.

It's not so much not meeting his friends, but he is avidly keeping you away from them. There has to be a reason for it. To you it's a serious, established relationship. What is he saying in your absence to these friends? He could be saying it's serious, but he could just as easily be saying 'just a casual thing, friends with benefits'. You don't know because you never meet them.

professore

Sounds like he's either cheating or married. Mentioning your name to some of his friends means little as cheating types tend to hang around together.

tara73

this is a weird one.
we can only speculate. so much is possible here, as others mentioned.

he's not really hiding you but obviously he wants his 'going out time' for himself. maybe he's one of this guys who can't survive without ego boosts, ego boosts flirting with women on a night out, pretending he's singleton. maybe he's cheating on you with htis girls also, everything seems possible here.

I think the essence is, like in the other thread you mentioned, he's not that into you and doesn't value the relationship that much. Someone who is madly in love with his other half would not do this.

tara73

professore wrote: »

Sounds like he's either cheating or married. Mentioning your name to some of his friends means little as cheating types tend to hang around together.

married?? not in this case I would say. he introduced her to his parents... do you think his parents would be easy with the daughter in law at home, meeting him in town to be introduced to his new girlfriend?

I think the possibility somebody else mentioned, he's just waiting to get back with a former girlfriend, is very likely also.