Is recovery from low self-esteem possible?

Hammer89

Hello,

I'm genuinely quite worried about my sister - let's call her Suzanne. She has extremely low self-esteem and absolutely no intention of helping herself. This is so hard as a family member. It's taking a toll on me and everybody around her. She had been going to therapy for a while, but then she admitted that she hadn't been completely honest with her therapist. It's so f*cking frustrating. She is obviously wrestling with some serious demons and I do sympathise, because I've been there, but I'm worried she'll never get that Eureka moment and help herself.

Most worryingly, she appears to still have feelings for her toxic, manipulative ex-boyfriend, who has dumped her four times. Every time I hear the classic 'It's not his fault he's that way' line I feel like smashing everything in the house. I'm thinking, 'You could literally make that argument for Hitler because nobody is born as a complete c*nt!' But she doesn't get it.

She just doesn't see what everybody else does. If they get back together then he's going to absolutely destroy her this time. She'll be so terrified of losing him again that she'll let him walk all over way more than he did. It's just f*cked, guys. She's worth saving but sometimes I find myself wondering if she's a lost cause.

Ave Sodalis

There comes a point OP, where further help is no longer help. There's only so much you can do before you need to let go and let her discover her mistakes on her own. It's painful and very difficult, but you've made your point to her. Now you need to focus on keeping lines open. They probably will get back together. She still has feelings for him, and why wouldn't he get back with her? He's done so four times already. However, nagging her and pushing her to stop seeing him will only push her away from you, and it's in a toxic relationship that people need to have someone to rely on. You've made your thoughts on the relationship clear. I think it would only be more harmful to continue to do so.

She needs to be let make her mistakes. As an addict cannot see their addiction at the start or blame it on other things, a person in an abusive relationship (whether emotional or physical) cannot always see the abuse as it is. They use whatever excuse they can to justify it. Wake up calls can be long coming and sudden in their arrival, but they do happen. It needs to be her that sees it though, not anyone else telling her. With stuff like that, you can't force someone to open their eyes but you can be there to guide and help them when their eyes are opened.

Airyfairy12

I think you need to back off your sister and allow her to be her own person, you cant 'save' anybody and tbh it doesnt sound like she needs saving.
You mightn't like her boyfriend and he might be bad for her but you dont have to like him, its her choice what she does, she has to learn for herself and leave him when she's ready too. Wanting to 'smash everything in the house' because she's not doing what you want is going way too far, youre way too emotionally invested in what your sister does.
How can you expect her to grow, mature and develop strong self esteem when youre attempting to control her and her decisions because you think you know whats best. Calling her a lost cause like shes a heroin addict in the gutter cant be doing much for her self esteem either. Its an immature relationship that she'll move on from when she's ready, your attitude is only going to harm your relationship with her.
You need to create some healthy boundaries with her because you sound very controlling and domineering to the point of interference.

The flying mouse

How old is your sister ?

You can't help people who don't want to be helped, You have tried and shown empathy , it's time to let your sister make her mistakes herself, You can't live her life, Be there for her if she asks.

via4

Iv been there watching a family member being treated badly by a partner and for your own sake you need to distance yourself from those feelings you have.
Some people are just attracted to being treated badly and no matter what you say it will fall on deaf ears ( frustrating I know ) . I thought I would never stop being annoyed but now I have finally accepted it hoping they will cop on in ten twenty even thirty years. It's a hopeless situation and maybe she will gain confidence but maybe not so sorry about your situation x

Hammer89

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

I think you need to back off your sister and allow her to be her own person, you cant 'save' anybody and tbh it doesnt sound like she needs saving.
You mightn't like her boyfriend and he might be bad for her but you dont have to like him, its her choice what she does, she has to learn for herself and leave him when she's ready too. Wanting to 'smash everything in the house' because she's not doing what you want is going way too far, youre way too emotionally invested in what your sister does.
How can you expect her to grow, mature and develop strong self esteem when youre attempting to control her and her decisions because you think you know whats best. Calling her a lost cause like shes a heroin addict in the gutter cant be doing much for her self esteem either. Its an immature relationship that she'll move on from when she's ready, your attitude is only going to harm your relationship with her.
You need to create some healthy boundaries with her because you sound very controlling and domineering to the point of interference.

I didn't call her a lost cause though, did I?

And I'm not very controlling or domineering. Her entire circle of family and friends have tried helping her see sense on this issue. Either we're all a bunch of control freaks or we all know the severity of the situation. She's at her lowest ebb and getting back with him will multiply the hate she has for herself to the point where you wonder if she'll survive another break-up. If she does something stupid - and she has hinted at it before - then all of us would be broken, but it'd be much worse had we not tried to help her see sense.

Even then there'd be huge guilt for not being able to do more. It's a very, very serious situation. It's plain irresponsible and negligent to pat her on the back each and every time she makes this mistake, enabling her to do it again, but it's controlling and domineering by trying to help her.

gossamer

I'm assuming you're the older brother? I agree with Airyfairy12 to an extent. I've been in your shoes, but also your sister's (with an addiction). As much as it's infuriating for you, it's also infuriating having a sibling or parent breathing down your neck, willing you to change but you just can't bloody do it. You want to do it for them to make life easier but it's rallying against every fibre of your being. That pressure she feels from you, the rest of her family and her friends is not helping and is probably stressing her out even more. If she's stressed she's going to crave her ex further, it's that simple. It's not a fair position to be putting her in. You could argue it's not fair on the rest of you, but she's only consumed by her own problems right now. She's going to therapy, that's something even if she's not completely forthcoming with what she discusses with her therapist. At least she has an outlet. The urge to shake some sense into her isn't going to cut it.

Maybe I'm personalising this too much, but I came out the other side when I was left alone and I didn't have a whole load of people hassling me. Knowing that they were worried for me, worried me further. The pressure is huge and it just clouds your sense of what's right and wrong. It's that feeling that isolates you, you feel there's no where to turn with all these wagging tongues, unsolicited advice and disapproving looks. You need to be a calming influence in her life. Don't think the worst is going to happen. Put some faith in her, even just for one last time. It's hard to let go, but trust me I've been where you are, I've been where your sister is. And neither position is easy to be in.

professore

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

I think you need to back off your sister and allow her to be her own person, you cant 'save' anybody and tbh it doesnt sound like she needs saving.
You mightn't like her boyfriend and he might be bad for her but you dont have to like him, its her choice what she does, she has to learn for herself and leave him when she's ready too. Wanting to 'smash everything in the house' because she's not doing what you want is going way too far, youre way too emotionally invested in what your sister does.
How can you expect her to grow, mature and develop strong self esteem when youre attempting to control her and her decisions because you think you know whats best. Calling her a lost cause like shes a heroin addict in the gutter cant be doing much for her self esteem either. Its an immature relationship that she'll move on from when she's ready, your attitude is only going to harm your relationship with her.
You need to create some healthy boundaries with her because you sound very controlling and domineering to the point of interference.

And this is exactly why abusers have it so easy, people like you coming in and making the OP or to be the bad guy for caring about his sister. She probably has friends telling her the same BS.

I'm sure he's not calling her a lost cause to her face.

And "an immature relationship"? Tell that to the thousands of women living in abusive marriages.

OP, I don't have any real advice for you, you've made your feelings clear to her several times, so after that there's not much more you can do.

The controlling comment is particularly strange, as that's exactly what the abusive boyfriend is!

professore

gossamer wrote: »

I'm assuming you're the older brother? I agree with Airyfairy12 to an extent. I've been in your shoes, but also your sister's (with an addiction). As much as it's infuriating for you, it's also infuriating having a sibling or parent breathing down your neck, willing you to change but you just can't bloody do it. You want to do it for them to make life easier but it's rallying against every fibre of your being. That pressure she feels from you, the rest of her family and her friends is not helping and is probably stressing her out even more. If she's stressed she's going to crave her ex further, it's that simple. It's not a fair position to be putting her in. You could argue it's not fair on the rest of you, but she's only consumed by her own problems right now. She's going to therapy, that's something even if she's not completely forthcoming with what she discusses with her therapist. At least she has an outlet. The urge to shake some sense into her isn't going to cut it.

Maybe I'm personalising this too much, but I came out the other side when I was left alone and I didn't have a whole load of people hassling me. Knowing that they were worried for me, worried me further. The pressure is huge and it just clouds your sense of what's right and wrong. It's that feeling that isolates you, you feel there's no where to turn with all these wagging tongues, unsolicited advice and disapproving looks. You need to be a calming influence in her life. Don't think the worst is going to happen. Put some faith in her, even just for one last time. It's hard to let go, but trust me I've been where you are, I've been where your sister is. And neither position is easy to be in.

Can I ask would it have been better if they said they didn't care what you did with your life and cut contact with you?

Emme

Hammer89 wrote: »

Hello,

I'm genuinely quite worried about my sister - let's call her Suzanne. She has extremely low self-esteem and absolutely no intention of helping herself. This is so hard as a family member. It's taking a toll on me and everybody around her. She had been going to therapy for a while, but then she admitted that she hadn't been completely honest with her therapist. It's so f*cking frustrating. She is obviously wrestling with some serious demons and I do sympathise, because I've been there, but I'm worried she'll never get that Eureka moment and help herself.

Most worryingly, she appears to still have feelings for her toxic, manipulative ex-boyfriend, who has dumped her four times. Every time I hear the classic 'It's not his fault he's that way' line I feel like smashing everything in the house. I'm thinking, 'You could literally make that argument for Hitler because nobody is born as a complete c*nt!' But she doesn't get it.

She just doesn't see what everybody else does. If they get back together then he's going to absolutely destroy her this time. She'll be so terrified of losing him again that she'll let him walk all over way more than he did. It's just f*cked, guys. She's worth saving but sometimes I find myself wondering if she's a lost cause.

All you can do is advise her that her on-off boyfriend is abusive and toxic. However it will probablyh fall on deaf ears as he more than likely has her brainwashed that her family is the problem and he's the only one who really cares about her :rolleyes: If he treats her badly it's because her behaviour makes him do it :rolleyes:

Show her this website www.womensaid.ie which gives advice on abusive relationships. The penny may drop but it's unlikely.

All you can do is tell her you're there for her if anything happens, day or night.