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Sending xmas cards to a bereaved family

  • 15-12-2016 10:13pm
    #1
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 2,986 philstar


    I was told today that its not the done thing to send a xmas card to a family who had a bereavement during the past year??

    Is that so? is that the protocol?

    I thought it would be even more reason to send one...?


Comments

  • Registered Users Posts: 2,089 ✭✭✭ henryporter


    Always been the tradition in our family (according to the matriarch that is). Never send cards the year of a bereavement apparently


  • Administrators, Business & Finance Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 16,766 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭ Toots


    I think it depends on how recent the bereavement was, at least that's how I'd look at it. If the person passed away early in the year, I'd probably send a card. My cousin's mother in law passed away in November, so I won't be sending a card there cos I think it's still a bit too raw for "Merry Christmas" - in all likelihood it's gonna be an extra sad time for them.


  • Registered Users Posts: 26,217 ✭✭✭✭ freshpopcorn


    It depends to be honest. Some families want them and other don't!
    When my grandmother died in 2009 we basically got cards off everybody. A few people sent a Christmas mass card or they wrote a nice message in the card.
    We however sent no cards that. (My grandmother lived with us)
    My mother would generally send the family some kind of Christmas mass card.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,706 ✭✭✭ sadie06


    Don't send a card, or at least not a Christmas card. We lost a parent in late October, and our surviving parent has been horrified to recieve some Christmas cards, as if nothing has happened.

    Even a Christmas card with a nice message written by you can still offend if it says 'merry' or 'happy' Christmas on the front.

    A different type of card altogether would be appropriate, or none at all.


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,754 comongethappy


    I know Hallmark do a Christmas card that acknowledges the family's loss. Or maybe a mass card if they are religious.

    But I do know that my aunt and uncle found the first Christmas very hard after they lost their son, and still include his name on the cards they send. If you send a card, you may want to include the deceased's name so they family feels they are not forgotten


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  • Registered Users Posts: 3,379 CarrickMcJoe


    I know Hallmark do a Christmas card that acknowledges the family's loss. Or maybe a mass card if they are religious.

    But I do know that my aunt and uncle found the first Christmas very hard after they lost their son, and still include his name on the cards they send. If you send a card, you may want to include the deceased's name so they family feels they are not forgotten

    That's just Hallmark trying to squeeze more money out of people. We'd never send a card to a family of a deceased member. It's also tradition for the family not to put up decorations if death was close to Christmas.


  • Registered Users Posts: 25,012 ✭✭✭✭ Toto Wolfcastle


    There was a bereavement in my family recently and Christmas is going ahead as normal. I think my parents would find it weird if people didn't send cards. But from this thread it seems that there is no right answer. It definitely depends on the person and the circumstances. I definitely wouldn't include the name of the person who died. I'd say a lot of people would take that very badly. Unless it's a 'thinking about John at this time of year' thing.

    A good compromise would be a subtle Christmas card with a message inside that you are thinking of them.


  • Registered Users Posts: 5,916 ✭✭✭ kitten_k


    I have seen cards in the EuroGiant shop that says Thinking Of You This Christmas, something like that might be better


  • Registered Users Posts: 4,629 ✭✭✭ Rubberchikken


    if you knew the family/bereaved person very well then a christmas card but not an obvious one, iykwim, would be nice.


  • Registered Users Posts: 5,476 ✭✭✭ neonsofa


    There was a bereavement in my family recently and Christmas is going ahead as normal. I think my parents would find it weird if people didn't send cards. But from this thread it seems that there is no right answer. It definitely depends on the person and the circumstances. I definitely wouldn't include the name of the person who died. I'd say a lot of people would take that very badly. Unless it's a 'thinking about John at this time of year' thing.

    A good compromise would be a subtle Christmas card with a message inside that you are thinking of them.

    Yep definitely don't include the name of the person unless it is in an "I am thinking of them" way. Otherwise it could look like you didn't realise they died, forgot about it, or are just being insensitive about it.


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  • Registered Users Posts: 23,155 ✭✭✭✭ lawred2


    Would think it would be worse for a family to receive nothing whatsoever... Show some consideration and effort and pick the right type of card for the family.

    Obviously sending a stock picture of happy families and stock messages like "hope you have a wonderful Christmas" would be lazy and offensive but picking the right card with the right tone is a damn sight better than not bothering at all.

    I'll be honest and say I've never heard such a 'rule' as to bypass families for consideration at Christmas because of a bereavement during the year! And what about the following year? Full throttle Christmas again?


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,706 ✭✭✭ sadie06


    lawred2 wrote: »

    I'll be honest and say I've never heard such a 'rule' as to bypass families for consideration at Christmas because of a bereavement during the year! And what about the following year? Full throttle Christmas again?

    Nobody said bypass them completely, or not to give them consideration. The question was specifically whether or not a Christmas card should be sent, and the answer is no. I would be offended to receive such a card this year. I don't think it's a rule, as much as common sense.

    A simple 'Thinking of You' card would be nice.

    In answer to to your final question, yes, it's appropriate to send a Christmas card the following year if you want, with a kind message. Upon our first bereavement of our youngest sibling many years ago, we skipped the first Christmas entirely but eased ourselves back into things the second year.


  • Registered Users Posts: 23,155 ✭✭✭✭ lawred2


    sadie06 wrote: »
    Nobody said bypass them completely, or not to give them consideration. The question was specifically whether or not a Christmas card should be sent, and the answer is no. I would be offended to receive such a card this year. I don't think it's a rule, as much as common sense.

    A simple 'Thinking of You' card would be nice.

    In answer to to your final question, yes, it's appropriate to send a Christmas card the following year if you want, with a kind message. Upon our first bereavement of our youngest sibling many years ago, we skipped the first Christmas entirely but eased ourselves back into things the second year.

    but isn't that what I just said?

    Firstly - sorry for the loss of your sibling.

    Secondly - I'm sure I've seen 'thinking of you this Christmas' cards - or would you have been offended by any mention of Christmas.


  • Registered Users Posts: 68,333 ✭✭✭✭ seamus


    Traditions are weird. "Let's just pile some loneliness on top of your bereavement by having nobody send you a Xmas card".

    The suggestion above of the Xmas cards that specifically have a more sombre tone is probably the way to go.

    It's situation-dependent though, you just need to be sensitive to how raw the bereaved may be. If it was an elderly person who died in March, then a normal Xmas card is probably fine. If it was a sudden death of a younger person, then they may find Xmas hard and a more direct acknowledgement like dropping off an understated gift basket may be more appropriate than sending a generic card.


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,924 ✭✭✭ huskerdu


    I agree. Traditions are weird and I don't like the traditional notion that you have to obey archaic rules or people will be offended.
    Thankfully most people have got a bit more relaxed about life.

    My Mam died last April. My Dad got loads of Christmas cards and none of us got offended at all.
    In fact, it would, in my opinion be rude to be offended by people making the effort to send a card to Dad.

    Do what you think is right, based on how recently the bereavement was, how unexpected the death was and how well you know the family.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,706 ✭✭✭ sadie06


    lawred2 wrote: »
    but isn't that what I just said?

    Firstly - sorry for the loss of your sibling.

    Secondly - I'm sure I've seen 'thinking of you this Christmas' cards - or would you have been offended by any mention of Christmas.

    I think we are basically saying the same thing as each other. And thank you.


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