How do I get out of this odd situation?

amtc

I work with a married guy in his 50s who has three children. We would go for coffee or lunch occasionally but we're not friends really outside work. I have absolutely no interest in him although he has tried it on and I have clearly told him this.

Anyway he's mentioned me at home which apparently led his wife to be suspicious of me. So she got my number and invited me to his birthday at their home tomorrow. This was last week. Anyway I accepted and that was fine. Present wrapped etc.

Anyway this morning we were walking back from a meeting and dropped in for coffee. He casually drops into the conversation that he has organised his own present which is to book a night in a hotel with a gay escort, and has done this before.

To say I was shocked was an understatement. His reason for telling me was as he is going to use the excuse of dropping me home to leave the party early and then go to the hotel but say I was ill so he had to stay with me.

I am disgusted
The entire thing is odd. Paying for gay sex is odd but if that's his thing.
But now I have committed to go to a party that his wife is already suspicious of me although no reason and then I suddenly require him overnight
If I don't go that looks odd too. But I couldn't act normally

I can't go, so my best bet is that a sudden illness comes on.

CINCLANTFLT

Oh yes, sudden illness. Stay home! Any excuse, just don't go to that party...

jimgoose

As the man said, I don't have a solution but I certainly admire the problem. :pac:

amtc

amtc wrote: »

He casually drops into the conversation that he has organised his own present which is to book a night in a hotel with a gay escort, and has done this before ...he is going to use the excuse of dropping me home to leave the party early and then go to the hotel but say I was ill so he had to stay with me.

WTF??? Stay well away from that party ... pretend to be sick, family emergency, anything!

SouthernBelle

CINCLANTFLT wrote: »

Oh yes, sudden illness. Stay home! Any excuse, just don't go to that party...

I agree 100%. There's a fierce chest infection doing the rounds.

He has some nerve to involve you in his extra-marital affairs - be they heterosexual or homosexual!

Yellow pack crisps

Tell him your aint going. Tell him you are not his alibi, tell him if his wife is suspicious of you then thats her problem. Id cut contact with this guy he sounds like a creep who uses people.

amtc

amtc wrote: »

he has tried it on

his wife is already suspicious of me although no reason

And through no fault of your own, his wife has every reason to be suspicious of you. What a dick. :mad:

Airyfairy12

You could go to the party but leave early so he cant use you as an alibi, say you dont feel well, ask his wife for the number of a taxi when youre leaving so he cant drop you home.
Id have stopped going for coffee with him ages ago when he made a pass at you, you know his wife is already suspicious so why stir the pot by continuing to spend time with him when you know he's interested in being more than friends. Id go to it as I think not going will only make his wife feel even more insecure.

whereto now

amtc wrote: »

I work with a married guy in his 50s who has three children. We would go for coffee or lunch occasionally but we're not friends really outside work. I have absolutely no interest in him although he has tried it on and I have clearly told him this.

Anyway he's mentioned me at home which apparently led his wife to be suspicious of me. So she got my number and invited me to his birthday at their home tomorrow. This was last week. Anyway I accepted and that was fine. Present wrapped etc.

Anyway this morning we were walking back from a meeting and dropped in for coffee. He casually drops into the conversation that he has organised his own present which is to book a night in a hotel with a gay escort, and has done this before.

To say I was shocked was an understatement. His reason for telling me was as he is going to use the excuse of dropping me home to leave the party early and then go to the hotel but say I was ill so he had to stay with me.

I am disgusted
The entire thing is odd. Paying for gay sex is odd but if that's his thing.
But now I have committed to go to a party that his wife is already suspicious of me although no reason and then I suddenly require him overnight
If I don't go that looks odd too. But I couldn't act normally

I can't go, so my best bet is that a sudden illness comes on.

If I was you the last thing I would be worried about would be it looking odd if you don't go to that party.... this man is willing to use you as an excuse to cheat on his wife and tells you his plan with no concern for you or asking your permission. !!! I would tell him why you're not going to his party and that you're not going to be used like this... has he used you as an excuse before without you knowing I wonder ??? Avoid him as much as possible at work and no more coffees or lunches.... he sounds like a horrible man and you'd have to feel sorry for his wife...you don't need people like this in your life 😉

amtc

I work with him and he signs off on my invoices so I have to think this out.

What I was thinking of doing is asking my best friend to phone me requesting emergency babysitting for her anniversary tomorrow. Most of this is true although it's for Saturday. I'm a terrible liar!

I can do this within earshot of the guy and will ring his wife to apologise. If she tries to rearrange I have a legitimate excuse that my mam is away for the next few months and my dad can't be left on his own.

I'm sick. I can't even be civil in the office.

LegacyUser

amtc wrote: »

I work with him and he signs off on my invoices so I have to think this out.

What I was thinking of doing is asking my best friend to phone me requesting emergency babysitting for her anniversary tomorrow. Most of this is true although it's for Saturday. I'm a terrible liar!

I can do this within earshot of the guy and will ring his wife to apologise. If she tries to rearrange I have a legitimate excuse that my mam is away for the next few months and my dad can't be left on his own.

I'm sick. I can't even be civil in the office.

This makes it trickier. I'd be concerned that he'd threaten to make life hell for you or even spread around the office that you were trying it on with him.

If possible try to get him to acknowledge what he's planning in writing- perhaps even if you sent him a text mentioning that you wouldn't feel comfortable with him using you as an alibi while he goes off with someone else, he may reply with something you can use. Then at least if he tried to make things difficult for you, you'll have something to show what he's up to.

On the other hand - you could ruin his plans by going to the party and not leaving at all. Then he has no excuse to leave himself

amtc

Oh HR know about me needing flexible hours for next few months due to my dad's ill health and my mam being away so is perfectly true.

My friend calling at 5...

miezekatze

What an awkward situation! I'd come up with an excuse to not be able to attend the party, or just tell the guy that you're uncomfortable with it. I can't believe the cheek of this guy!

amtc

Done. My friend played a blinder. She rang on the office line and got the guy (she used to work here so knows him), wished him a happy birthday and apologised for needing me tomorrow but it is her anniversary. I haven't shared background yet....later at home. I had to email a script.

So I said how sorry it was I couldn't come, but my godchild needs me. I then rang his wife and explained. To be honest she sounded OK. I hadn't realised I was the only non family member and as I said we're not really friends outside work. Anyway no repeat invite issued.

The avoidance of lunch is fine but coffee really isn't as it's where we do meeting preparation. Having said that the only small talk will be about weather.

I'm thinking about changing roles anyway so this could be a catalyst. On the plus side my November invoice was signed off no issue this afternoon

Dial Hard

amtc wrote:

Done. My friend played a blinder. She rang on the office line and got the guy (she used to work here so knows him), wished him a happy birthday and apologised for needing me tomorrow but it is her anniversary. I haven't shared background yet....later at home. I had to email a script.

I honestly think you made that far more complicated than it needed to be. And it hasn't done anything to address your actual issue, which is that you no longer want to spend any time with this guy.

BattleCorp

I think the only solution you have is not to go to the party.

You are in a lose:lose situation if you go.

Fcuk your work colleague, he's putting you in a poxy situation and there is no way you will come out of this looking good if you go to the party.

Best case scenario, his wife will be your enemy because she will be sure that you are having an affair with her husband. What else is she to think? He drops you home and spends the night with you because you are ill. I think I fell out of my pram the last time someone believed a story like that.

Don't let him blackmail you into going, just because he signs off invoices for you etc.


Edit: I'm too slow.

santana75

amtc wrote: »

What I was thinking of doing is asking my best friend to phone me requesting emergency babysitting for her anniversary tomorrow. Most of this is true although it's for Saturday. I'm a terrible liar!

I can do this within earshot of the guy and will ring his wife to apologise. If she tries to rearrange I have a legitimate excuse that my mam is away for the next few months and my dad can't be left on his own.

I'm sick. I can't even be civil in the office.

I understand you're in a predicament and all but why resort to lies and fabricating stories? Just be straight up and honest. Just say you wont be attending the party. End of. Lying is nasty business, no matter what the circumstances.

Pac1Man

OP all of this sounds off the wall.

You go to coffee with this married guy who has tried it on with you in the past.

His wife is suspicious of you so decides to get your number and invite you to his birthday party (wtf!?)

You say yes. Why?

I'm not blaming you at all for going for work coffee or even initially agreeing to attend his birthday but surely you saw these as red flags?

CINCLANTFLT

Pac1Man wrote: »

OP all of this sounds off the wall.

You go to coffee with this married guy who has tried it on with you in the past.

His wife is suspicious of you so decides to get your number and invite you to his birthday party (wtf!?)

You say yes. Why?

I'm not blaming you at all for going for work coffee or even initially agreeing to attend his birthday but surely you saw these as red flags?

Mrs Cinlantflt just read this and asked me if the OP is a man or woman... I just re-read the thread and I'm not sure!!!

Big Bag of Chips

amtc, what is it about you and married colleagues that they seem to make a beeline for you?!! (Or is this the same best friend guy that stays over at yours a couple of times a week?) So his wife was suspicious of you anyway and his plan was to tell her he had to stay at yours after the onset of a very sudden and very serious illness? Presuming you showed no signs of any illness during the party and managed to leave in an upright position?

I don't know, amtc, you seem to be a magnet for drama. And you also seem to add your own unnecessary complications to things. Keep things purely professional. You can make plans over coffee and then make your excuses and leave. Or better still be "busy" for your lunch break and insist on whatever plans need to be made be done during work hours, in the office. If you're not exactly friendly with this man why on earth he'd disclose to you that he's choosing to spend the night of his birthday party that his wife has organised for him in a hotel, with a gay escort, is bizarre.

It would seem the men you work with aren't very bright!!

And why would you even have to post here to ask what to do? You're a woman in your 40s, I believe? Surely you could figure out to just say as soon as the wife rang you, "thanks for the invitation but I have something else on." Or if she caught you off guard surely you could have just made your excuses without asking advice here! It's Christmas! Plenty of excuses. The man made a pass at you. You say you want nothing to do with him, yet you accept an invitation to a party in his house from his wife?? Really?? Then including your friend, who knows the colleague, just to add to the drama!

amtc

No you're right. Different men by the way. I swear I do attract them. And I am a woman of 43.

Anyway sorted now and I will keep my distance. I do have to do the coffee thing as we meet to prepare for meetings. I will bring in present tomorrow (it's a mug and card so in no way personal).

Thanks all for help.

SouthernBelle

amtc wrote: »

No you're right. Different men by the way. I swear I do attract them. And I am a woman of 43.

Anyway sorted now and I will keep my distance. I do have to do the coffee thing as we meet to prepare for meetings. I will bring in present tomorrow (it's a mug and card so in no way personal).

Thanks all for help.

Why give him a present at all? Or do you give birthday presents to all your colleagues? It's certainly not the done thing in my office. If you want to keep this on a work relationship basis, forget about the present.

Penny Tration

amtc wrote: »

No you're right. Different men by the way. I swear I do attract them. And I am a woman of 43.

Anyway sorted now and I will keep my distance. I do have to do the coffee thing as we meet to prepare for meetings. I will bring in present tomorrow (it's a mug and card so in no way personal).

Thanks all for help.

Surely you can prepare for meetings in the office rather than going for coffee?

As for giving him a gift - really? He's supposedly sexually harassing you and your response is to buy him a gift?


I really don't mean to be rude here, but cop yourself on. Bringing gifts and going for coffee with someone who keeps cracking onto you is encouraging him, which you shouldn't be doing unless you want the attention from him!

retro:electro

Tbh I think you're over estimating your importance at the party. I doubt the wife would even second guess why you aren't there let alone cancel it and reschedule. That's just daft. You should have just been honest from the start. Really dislike when people create elaborate lies when they should just be honest.

Big Bag of Chips

I have to agree with the idea of giving him a gift, any gift, bringing it in to work? Why bother? I know you say you attract these types, but why do you attract them? Why do male colleagues (plural, more than 1) think it acceptable to just "stay in your house"? One guy uses it as his refuge apparently, and another fella thought it completely alright to use it as a cover to have gay sex?!!

Seriously, amtc? You're a 43 year old woman, in a relationship, you're not 21 and mates with all the lads in college.

Bringing him a gift when nobody else in the office probably even knows it's his birthday reeks of attention seeking. On a level, and probably not too deep a level you enjoy the attention from these male colleagues and you seem to enjoy the feeling that you are bothering their partners. Maybe his wife had no suspicions about you at all. Maybe she just thought you were friends. I can guarantee you if I had organised a party in my home for my husband with family and friends there isn't a chance in hell I would be inviting someone that I had suspicions about and their motives to ruin my night by me constantly watching and looking for signs of something going on. It's just absurd to imagine.

Women in general tend not to be suspicious of random female colleagues of their husbands. If they are suspicious, there's usually pretty good reason. Or else they're not suspicious at all, but the woman in question likes to believe that the wife is jealous of them. Basically, if in fact it is the case that more than one wife of your colleagues have a problem with you, maybe they're not the problem.

I think you give yourself too much credit here. Your "relationships" with these men are very teenage like. And you have some sort of need for power over them thinking their partners are threatened by you. If you think you have over stepped a mark into territory that might threaten another couple's relationship, then the ONLY thing to do is to remove yourself from the equation. You work with these people. So work with them. No more coffees on the way back from meetings (I thought you only went for coffee with him to prepare for meetings?) No more pizza and dancing on a Saturday night. No bringing in birthday presents. However banal the present is, the giving of ANY gift signifies a relationship/friendship of sorts. Unless as already mentioned you bring mugs into everyone in the office for their birthday.

LynnGrace

Agree with BBOC.

Also, one very important lesson, in my opinion, to take from this is to put professional boundaries in place with all colleagues, and maintain them.

amtc

It's an office thing that we give birthday presents. Just a fiver. We all do it.

Can't prepare for meetings in office as we have to meet solicitor en route to meeting venue.

And I wasn't exactly harassed, this was an unwelcome move maybe three years ago promptly stopped.

Anyway have a job interview next week

Can you close this?

Big Bag of Chips

amtc wrote: »

It's an office thing that we give birthday presents. Just a fiver. We all do it.

Unusual. So everyone gets a fivers worth of tat from everyone else, for their birthday? It's a compulsory part of working there?

Can't prepare for meetings in office as we have to meet solicitor en route to meeting venue.

For coffee? Every time?

Anyway have a job interview next week

Probably just as well.