How to deal with negativity

LegacyUser

Hi just wondering if anyone can offer advice on dealing with negativity and criticism?
If somebody doesn't like me, if someone criticises me or if someone speaks badly about me either to my face or behind my back I get deeply effected by it, if im speaking to someone and they seem like theyre disinterested or if theyre expressions or actions give me any inkling that they're judging me negatively I become very effected and have even slipped into deep depressions over it, I recently overheard my mother criticising me, what she said wasnt true, she sometimes says nasty things about me to other family members and her work colleagues, some of her friends and work mates dont even acknowledge me now when they see me as shes said so many things, my brother does this too and also my mothers sister so its just something thats in the family I suppose but it effected me so much that I got very depressed, I didnt eat for an entire week and I lost over a stone in weight.
A few weeks ago I was with a few friends and a friend of my friend was there, I said something about a holiday he had been on and how it sounded nice, he turned to me and told me to shut up. I know its stupid but its been stuck in my head all this time making me feel even more self concious when I speak to people as im terrified of saying the wrong thing.
I often feel like nothing I say or do is ever right, somebody always criticises me or puts me down.
Ive not had the best experiences with people, I was bullied all through school, a social outcast in university, ive had friends and family members spread lies about me behind my back, theyve tried ruining my reputation and turned people against me. Men who were interested in me in the past have spread things about me when I showed no interest in them.
Ive become so afraid to get close to anyone because I find it impossible to trust and now the slightest bit of negativity aimed at me sends me into deep depression.
Can anyone advise me on how they deal with negativity from other people?

team_actimel

Hi OP, I'm sorry you're going through all this. Some people can be absolutely horrible.
Have you confronted your mother over the cruel things she has said? Are you living at home or is there any way of spending less time with if she's saying all those nasty things to people she knows? Very strange behavior and know what is not normal for a mother to be acting in such a way. I would definitely have it out with her and let her know how much it's affecting you.

If you are still living at home could you move away? Meet new people?

There's not much you can do to stop people being negative, some of them just love being negative and won't change their ways.
You sound like a nice caring person so you can change how much time you spend being around those who are.
Don't let this take over your life. You can do better than just put up with peoples hate and lies.

Have you ever questioned those family and friends who spread lies about you?

You have to move forward and live your own life. Best thing to do is to build up your self esteem and confidence. Join a sports/music/drama club. Meet new positive people. Reduce time or cut off time spent with negative people cos they'll never change.

Have you ever practiced mindfulness? I find it beneficial to help me deal with negativity in my life. I joined a class for 6 weeks and learned some wonderful techniques. It's definitely worth looking into.

Faith

When we're exposed to a lot of negativity or criticism as children, there's a theory that our "threat system" in our brains become more easily activated as adults, and our "soothing system" doesn't work as well as it should. When someone makes an ambiguous comment, people tend to interpret it negatively, and an overtly negative comment has a huge impact. It's not really something that you can fundamentally solve with advice on a message board.

But one way to look at it is: Why do you believe it when someone says something negative? Why is it automatically true? Why does it hurt you?

When your inner voice is talking, what way does it speak? Is it soothing, compassionate and warm? Or is it harsh and critical?

A person who's more emotionally robust doesn't hear negativity as much, and doesn't let negativity affect them to the same degree as someone who's more emotionally vulnerable.

Honestly, to work through this, I'd suggest speaking to a therapist who is skilled with Compassion Focused Therapy. But what you can do yourself is just try to be more compassionate towards you. When someone says something horrible, try thinking "Is it true what they're saying? What's the evidence that it's true, versus what's the evidence that it's false? Weighing up the evidence, how much do I believe that what they said is true?". Sometimes it can help to visualise yourself as another person, sitting across from you, while you're doing this, as if you were trying to help a friend or loved one work through it. Focus on being kind to yourself first.

You may also find some resources on this site helpful: http://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/index.html