Need urgent advice please (dating)

jamie124

Hello There,
So I am in a tricky situation right now..
I'm 18 and dating a 23 year old.
I am absolutely certain that I like this guy and he seems to like me too.
I am incredibly worried about what my family would think about it because of the age gap! In my opinion, age is just a number and really shouldn't matter... I'm also lying about where I'm going because I don't want them finding out yet!

Also my situation is that I am currently living with my grandparents , still looking for a job also... but that doesn't necessarily mean I can't have a boyfriend - I'm entitled to be with someone if I want or would you disagree??

Thanks in advance xx

L1011

Are your family aware you're gay, for starters? Thats usually a lot more difficult than introducing a boyfriend

That age gap is only important if you have a problem with it (assuming you haven't been going out for 2 years!). Its unlikely to be much of an issue for anyone else.

jamie124

L1011 wrote: »

Are your family aware you're gay, for starters? Thats usually a lot more difficult than introducing a boyfriend

That age gap is only important if you have a problem with it (assuming you haven't been going out for 2 years!). Its unlikely to be much of an issue for
anyone else.

Hi,
Thanks so much for replying!
Yes my family are aware that I am gay so that's something at least!
I don't see a problem with the age myself but I think my mother would have a problem with it and maybe some other family members too
I only know him a month and a half so we are still getting to know each other at the moment.

Mr.Frame

Relax, you are overthinking things.
Your family know you are gay so whats the issue. Continue to get to know your partner, have fun, play safe,stop worrying, enjoying your life.

Ten of Swords

You're 18, see who you like, why do you feel you have to justify it to anyone? If your family know you're gay what is the issue having a boyfriend. If your family have a hard time with it then that's too bad for them to be honest, you're an adult.

Why are you so worried about your mothers reaction? You don't live with her and I recall your posts in the past about that, you moved across the country to get away from a toxic environment (I hope things have gotten better for you by the way).

Do your grandparents know you're gay? If so, do they care? Would they have any issues with this guy being in their house from time to time? They are really the only questions you should be asking.

Being unemployed has no bearing on this and yes of course you're entitled to see whoever you want to.

jamie124

Ten of Swords wrote: »

You're 18, see who you like, why do you feel you have to justify it to anyone? If your family know you're gay what is the issue having a boyfriend. If your family have a hard time with it then that's too bad for them to be honest, you're an adult.

Why are you so worried about your mothers reaction? You don't live with her and I recall your posts in the past about that, you moved across the country to get away from a toxic environment (I hope things have gotten better for you by the way).

Do your grandparents know you're gay? If so, do they care? Would they have any issues with this guy being in their house from time to time? They are really the only questions you should be asking.

Being unemployed has no bearing on this and yes of course you're entitled to see whoever you want to.

Thanks so much for replying
Yes things are an awful lot better thanks so much , yes my grandparents know that I'm gay , and unfortunately yes, they would have problems with him visiting from time to time as they are very picky and choosy on who visits the house (mad I know) but just the way they are... I completely agree with you I don't see a problem with it x

wakka12

thats not a very big age gap at all in my opinion ! 23 is college sort of age, so is 18, I think most people would find that pretty acceptable

jamie124

wakka12 wrote: »

thats not a very big age gap at all in my opinion ! 23 is college sort of age, so is 18, I think most people would find that pretty acceptable

Wow at least some people are actually agreeing!!

makeandcreate

jamie124 wrote: »

Thanks so much for replying
Yes things are an awful lot better thanks so much , yes my grandparents know that I'm gay , and unfortunately yes, they would have problems with him visiting from time to time as they are very picky and choosy on who visits the house (mad I know) but just the way they are... I completely agree with you I don't see a problem with it x

It depends what you mean by "visiting" - do you mean calling at the door and out you go or sitting in the parlour watching the tv, or in your room - for an hour, 4 hours, overnight?
You probably feel it so acutely at the moment that they are cramping your style- but I have reached that cranky old age where I respect people who put a little barrier in the path of true love and stand by their own rules, as odd as they may be.

Annasopra

makeandcreate wrote: »

It depends what you mean by "visiting" - do you mean calling at the door and out you go or sitting in the parlour watching the tv, or in your room - for an hour, 4 hours, overnight?
You probably feel it so acutely at the moment that they are cramping your style- but I have reached that cranky old age where I respect people who put a little barrier in the path of true love and stand by their own rules, as odd as they may be.

I dont understand what that means. Are you saying you would respect homophobic people?

Peregrinus

There's no suggestion of homophobia here, I think. The issue that concerns the OP - or, more accurately, the issue that the OP fears will concern his family - is the age gap.

OP, as the parent of a (straight) 17-year old, I can assure you that your family will be concerned about a 5-year age gap between you and your boyfriend, and this has nothing to do with the fact that he's a boyfriend and not a girlfriend.

This is a situation that calls for tact and a degree of maturity on all sides. Your parents and grandparents need to accept that you're an adult, you choose who you go out with. You need to accept that they're your parents and grandparents, they love you, they're concerned about you and their anxieties are understandable. Also you need to accept that, irksome as it may be, your grandparents do get to decide who comes into their house, and on what terms.

Hard to know how to navigate this one. On the one hand, hiding your romantic relationships is never a happy state of affairs. OK, there's a level of intimate detail that is really only the business of you and your partner, but the broad fact that this person exists and you love him and are in a relationship with him is something that you should be able to share with your family. On the other hand you have to accept that, once you do share this, you are likely to be causing them concern. Causing your parents and grandparents concern goes with the territory of being a young adult; you have no duty never to cause them any concern. But I think what you should do is be aware of their concern, be respectful of it, and offer what reassurance you can.

If possible, your family should meet your boyfriend; the reality is certainly going to be better than the imaginary predatory older man they will construct in their heads. And let your family know that it's early days, it's nothing too serious or too intense at this point.

jamie124

makeandcreate wrote: »

It depends what you mean by "visiting" - do you mean calling at the door and out you go or sitting in the parlour watching the tv, or in your room - for an hour, 4 hours, overnight?
You probably feel it so acutely at the moment that they are cramping your style- but I have reached that cranky old age where I respect people who put a little barrier in the path of true love and stand by their own rules, as odd as they may be.

"Visiting" like coming over for a cup of tea and a chat and all that
I'm joking - look it's only early days yet and we have planned to meet over the new year again for our third date so... again, early days...
For now, I'm keeping it quiet from my grandparents... I have told an auntie of mine who was understanding.. she said she wouldn't tell anyone...
She told me to be happy, live my life and 23 is a perfectly fine age.

baby and crumble

jamie124 wrote: »

I'm joking - look it's only early days yet and we have planned to meet over the new year again for our third date so... again, early days...

In all fairness, OP, you've only been going out with this chap a short time, if you've only gone on two dates so far. There's really nothing to get het up about.

I'd agree with the others that you have to respect the homeowners rules- in this case your grandparents- about who can come and go. To be fair, even in a house share you have to do the same and not take the piss.

I'd relax if I were you. Two dates does not a relationship worthy of meeting the parents/ grandparents make. I know you're excited about it, you're 18 and in the first flush of love/lust. But maybe just see where it goes first.

jamie124

Hey Guys,
Quick Update..
So i'm not seeing the 23 year old guy anymore, we met 4 times and after the 4th time meeting him , he sent me a long message and also called me after that to discuss everything... Gave me really crappy excuses - I could read between the lines that there was way more to it than what he was actually saying...
2 Months on and I still think about him, he's blocked me on everything and did not reply to any of my messages after that phone call..
If anyone is familiar with snapchat , I put up something on my story that he saw and he took offence to it and that's when he blocked me on everything.. Again, I think this is just an excuse because it really wasn't that bad...

Other Problem - I had told my Mother about him after he basically dumped me and she said that she wanted me to remove myself from dating apps and to stop dating for the moment as she feels I have bigger priorities at the moment - EG Find a job (which i'm STILL doing) , she also feels my grandparents will not support the fact that i'm dating while living under their roof... Ok yeah BUT outside of that roof would I not be entitled to live my life? or is that being cheeky? I'm 19 in 2 weeks so my Mam and grand-parents cant really be controlling my life.

LLMMLL

jamie124 wrote: »

Hey Guys,
Quick Update..
So i'm not seeing the 23 year old guy anymore, we met 4 times and after the 4th time meeting him , he sent me a long message and also called me after that to discuss everything... Gave me really crappy excuses - I could read between the lines that there was way more to it than what he was actually saying...
2 Months on and I still think about him, he's blocked me on everything and did not reply to any of my messages after that phone call..
If anyone is familiar with snapchat , I put up something on my story that he saw and he took offence to it and that's when he blocked me on everything.. Again, I think this is just an excuse because it really wasn't that bad...

Other Problem - I had told my Mother about him after he basically dumped me and she said that she wanted me to remove myself from dating apps and to stop dating for the moment as she feels I have bigger priorities at the moment - EG Find a job (which i'm STILL doing) , she also feels my grandparents will not support the fact that i'm dating while living under their roof... Ok yeah BUT outside of that roof would I not be entitled to live my life? or is that being cheeky? I'm 19 in 2 weeks so my Mam and grand-parents cant really be controlling my life.

Sounds like he decided he's not into you and let you down gently.

You then made a public reference on Snapchat to something private.

He was annoyed and blocked you.

Apologies if that's not what happened but that's what it sounds like from the detail you've given.

As for your home situation, you'll have to talk to your grandparents about their expectations re dating. But if they do have problems with it, going into it with a "they can't control me" attitude will not be helpful. Your grandparents are (again I'm assuming) doing you a favour by letting you live with them.

wakka12

jamie124 wrote: »

Hey Guys,
Quick Update..
So i'm not seeing the 23 year old guy anymore, we met 4 times and after the 4th time meeting him , he sent me a long message and also called me after that to discuss everything... Gave me really crappy excuses - I could read between the lines that there was way more to it than what he was actually saying...
2 Months on and I still think about him, he's blocked me on everything and did not reply to any of my messages after that phone call..
If anyone is familiar with snapchat , I put up something on my story that he saw and he took offence to it and that's when he blocked me on everything.. Again, I think this is just an excuse because it really wasn't that bad...

Other Problem - I had told my Mother about him after he basically dumped me and she said that she wanted me to remove myself from dating apps and to stop dating for the moment as she feels I have bigger priorities at the moment - EG Find a job (which i'm STILL doing) , she also feels my grandparents will not support the fact that i'm dating while living under their roof... Ok yeah BUT outside of that roof would I not be entitled to live my life? or is that being cheeky? I'm 19 in 2 weeks so my Mam and grand-parents cant really be controlling my life.

Im sorry to hear that! But can I just say, I think you became a bit too attached to a guy you only met 4 times! Thats not very many times at all tbh. Like telling your mom about him even? ? I guess you're really young and new to this, but don't worry youll realise soon how insignificant he was really and move on very quickly with a new guy

JackTaylorFan

jamie124 wrote: »

2 Months on and I still think about him, he's blocked me on everything and did not reply to any of my messages after that phone call..
If anyone is familiar with snapchat , I put up something on my story that he saw and he took offence to it and that's when he blocked me on everything.. Again, I think this is just an excuse because it really wasn't that bad...

Like some have already said, sounds like you became way too attached way too quickly to this relationship.

And using any kind of social media to air your laundry (even if only slightly wrinkled) is not a good idea - it reeks of unnecessary drama and just the excuse he needed to block you.

I have sympathy for you, but this is a learning curve. Hopefully you'll learn to be a little more level-headed in your expectations of your future partners' behaviours. It takes time to know if they are serious or just playing you - and perhaps the latter is what happened here.

As for your mother telling you not to date - well, that's just silly. I wonder how well she would have taken an order like that at your age. Utterly ridiculous.

And for Chirst's sake: don't use social media to vent about exes.

Ten of Swords

jamie124 wrote: »

she said that she wanted me to remove myself from dating apps and to stop dating for the moment as she feels I have bigger priorities at the moment

That's a bit of a red flag for me.

Op you mentioned already that your grandparents know you're gay, I think it might be an idea to have a chat with them and see what they would and wouldn't be comfortable with in their house.

Frankly while your family can offer their opinions on what to do with your spare time or whether they think dating is the right thing for you the fact is you're an adult so make your own decisions. If your grandparents don't want you to bring anyone into their home that's their choice but it certainly does not forbid you from being in a relationship.

As for the 23 year old. Sounds like he just wasn't into you and nothing is going to change that. Not much point in dwelling on it, you're unlikely to get the answers you want. I'm not surprised he blocked you after you put up your story. Just move on, you'll find someone else easily.

jamie124

JackTaylorFan wrote: »

Like some have already said, sounds like you became way too attached way too quickly to this relationship.

And using any kind of social media to air your laundry (even if only slightly wrinkled) is not a good idea - it reeks of unnecessary drama and just the excuse he needed to block you.

I have sympathy for you, but this is a learning curve. Hopefully you'll learn to be a little more level-headed in your expectations of your future partners' behaviours. It takes time to know if they are serious or just playing you - and perhaps the latter is what happened here.

As for your mother telling you not to date - well, that's just silly. I wonder how well she would have taken an order like that at your age. Utterly ridiculous.

And for Chirst's sake: don't use social media to vent about exes.

Thank you to all for the replies , they are very helpful
So guys, basically yeah , I am living under my grand-parents roof with their rules (Which I have to respect and I do) but in fairness, outside of this house, I should be entitled to a life and be "allowed" to live it.
I was talking to my Mam just there (Don't live with her anymore) and she said until I am "self-sufficient" and can "stand on my own two feet" then we can bring other guys into it.... I mean whatttt??? I am actively seeking employment for MONTHS and I am getting absolutely nowhere and will still be trying this week both online and face to face handing out CV's... She also said that myself, grand-parents and Mother need to sit down together (all 4 of us) and discuss a plan... That's when I said let's just say there was someone in my life, I am going to be 19 fairly soon and I can't be held back from living my life in fairness.. then I got confused when she said "The only person holding yourself back, is YOU" so guys, its very confusing and to say the least I am incredibly upset as I am very restricted and under the command of my mother and grand-parents (I am an Adult) and I don't know what options there are until I find my own place x

LLMMLL

jamie124 wrote: »

Thank you to all for the replies , they are very helpful
So guys, basically yeah , I am living under my grand-parents roof with their rules (Which I have to respect and I do) but in fairness, outside of this house, I should be entitled to a life and be "allowed" to live it.
I was talking to my Mam just there (Don't live with her anymore) and she said until I am "self-sufficient" and can "stand on my own two feet" then we can bring other guys into it.... I mean whatttt??? I am actively seeking employment for MONTHS and I am getting absolutely nowhere and will still be trying this week both online and face to face handing out CV's... She also said that myself, grand-parents and Mother need to sit down together (all 4 of us) and discuss a plan... That's when I said let's just say there was someone in my life, I am going to be 19 fairly soon and I can't be held back from living my life in fairness.. then I got confused when she said "The only person holding yourself back, is YOU" so guys, its very confusing and to say the least I am incredibly upset as I am very restricted and under the command of my mother and grand-parents (I am an Adult) and I don't know what options there are until I find my own place x

Just smile and nod politely to your mother and live your life as normal. If you end up in a relationship then don't bring him home against the grandparents wishes if that actually is their wish. It's very dramatic to say you are being controlled. Probably 90% of people in existence have interfering parents.

wakka12

jamie124 wrote: »

Thank you to all for the replies , they are very helpful
So guys, basically yeah , I am living under my grand-parents roof with their rules (Which I have to respect and I do) but in fairness, outside of this house, I should be entitled to a life and be "allowed" to live it.
I was talking to my Mam just there (Don't live with her anymore) and she said until I am "self-sufficient" and can "stand on my own two feet" then we can bring other guys into it.... I mean whatttt??? I am actively seeking employment for MONTHS and I am getting absolutely nowhere and will still be trying this week both online and face to face handing out CV's... She also said that myself, grand-parents and Mother need to sit down together (all 4 of us) and discuss a plan... That's when I said let's just say there was someone in my life, I am going to be 19 fairly soon and I can't be held back from living my life in fairness.. then I got confused when she said "The only person holding yourself back, is YOU" so guys, its very confusing and to say the least I am incredibly upset as I am very restricted and under the command of my mother and grand-parents (I am an Adult) and I don't know what options there are until I find my own place x

You seem to be making a bigger deal of this than there needs to be. Grandparents should not be involved in an 18 year olds love life lol. Why not just see a guy outside the home, you don't have to bring him home and apparently upset all your family. A relationship can go on despite, Ive been with my boyfriend 2 years and we always meet up outside the house as we both live with our family, and our families are unaware of our relationship also.

Anyway, obviously keeping your relationship secret from family is not good advice from me. But seeing as a relationship with a guy isn't really supported by them, Im sure it'll be encouraging for you to hear my story.

jobbridge4life

wakka12 wrote: »

You seem to be making a bigger deal of this than there needs to be. Grandparents should not be involved in an 18 year olds love life lol. Why not just see a guy outside the home, you don't have to bring him home and apparently upset all your family. A relationship can go on despite, Ive been with my boyfriend 2 years and we always meet up outside the house as we both live with our family, and our families are unaware of our relationship also.

Anyway, obviously keeping your relationship secret from family is not good advice from me. But seeing as a relationship with a guy isn't really supported by them, Im sure it'll be encouraging for you to hear my story.

Your parents don't know you have been in a relationship with someone for two years? Are you out to them?

jobbridge4life

Jamie I think the issue is here is that you are feeling under a lot of pressure and your perspective seems a little off. Your Mother is trying to get you to focus on the things that will have the most benefit for you, namely getting a job. I understand that you have been trying but you can understand why your Mother might be becoming a little more anxious about the situation as time moves on and you haven’t secured employment yet. I honestly agree with your Mother in this regard, you need to prioritise. The most important thing for you at the moment, the thing that ought to be on top of your list, is to get work. Not merely so you can get your Mother off your back and start paying your way but actually more importantly, so you can reap all the rewards that come from earning money. The most critical of which is undoubtedly the increased independence that having your own source of regular income will provide. This really shouldn’t be underestimated. In addition getting employment will help reduce the tension between you and your family, you will be out and about working, not in the house as much and your family will see that you are progressing. The job will also be a boon in that it will get you socialising more and hopefully help you put things into better perspective again.
As to the issue of the Grandparents, you are under their roof as you say and unfortunately the people who own the house get to decide what happens in their home. I personally think it is unreasonable that someone would not be allowed to have their boyfriend/girlfriend visit, especially if it is a complete ban. However, there is not much you can do about it. Meanwhile the fact that you can’t have a boyfriend over is no reason not to have one at all. While your Grandparents may be the masters of their own house and be the interfering kind, they don’t control anything about what you do beyond their threshold, so don’t worry too much about it. Hopefully once you have sorted out the work situation and the associated tension has receded this issue may naturally dissipate, if not at least you would be in a better position to bring your concerns to your family in a calm and reasonable way. If that approach doesn’t work at least you will be in employment and could consider moving out and finding your own accommodation.
Best of luck Jamie.

Ten of Swords

wakka12 wrote: »

Ive been with my boyfriend 2 years and we always meet up outside the house as we both live with our family, and our families are unaware of our relationship also.

Op has tried to be honest with his family pretty much every step of the way and is out to his parents and grandparents, keeping a secret boyfriend doesn't seem like what he is aiming for. I'm not trying to knock your relationship, you've obviously found a dynamic that works and 2 years is a respectable number (I haven't made it that long yet!).

Jamie I have to agree with jb4l's post above, I think that is a very good perspective on your situation. Your mother's talk of coming up with a plan for you seems entirely reasonable too. Are you in college during the week, are you looking for part time work or full time? If you're spending most of your time at your grandparents house I can understand why it must feel like you're feeling weighed down under their rules all time but I assume they are concerned for your future too and would like to see you succeed. Do you think they agree with everything your mother says or do they have a different point of view?

I'm not sure what to make of her asking you to put dating on hold. Is she worried that if you get a boyfriend you will be distracted and not go out looking for work anymore? Regardless of what she thinks is best for you there is no reason you can't find a guy you like but just be aware of your responsibilities too.

wakka12

jobbridge4life wrote: »

Your parents don't know you have been in a relationship with someone for two years? Are you out to them?

Sort of,I think they know Im gay because they saw me say it to somebody in a message/chat when I was younger, that they happened to see. And probably some other things make them think Im gay too. But I never officially said it, so its a bit uncertain I suppose but they probably know. Anyway, we are all happy as we are so I don't see any point in changing that, because them knowing Im in a relationship will do literally nothing for my quality of life, only make it worse if theyre unaccepting etc.

LegacyUser

You say you're not working and actively seeking employment for months. There are loads signs up in retail outlets taking on staff. What kind of work have you been applying for? Is it work in line with your qualifications or experience? Do you pay your grandparents any rent? I assume when your mother says dating she means bringing the guy home to your grandparents house. That's fair enough if they don't want others in there house. Their house, their rules. If you want to move out you're going to need a month's rent and deposit and possible deposit towards utilities, that's a grand. Two grand if looking to set up on own. Minimum. I don't think your mother is being unsupportive in saying you have priorities. Work and money is your priority at the moment. If you're at home all day, idle, on dating apps I can see her concern. Do you have gay friends in real life, is everything online? Maybe focus on making friends etc and let the dating come in the future. There's no ban on that. You'd also be a far more attractive potential date being independent, employed, earning etc not to mention the confidence and financial/literal freedom a job could bring.

jamie124

jobbridge4life wrote: »

Jamie I think the issue is here is that you are feeling under a lot of pressure and your perspective seems a little off. Your Mother is trying to get you to focus on the things that will have the most benefit for you, namely getting a job. I understand that you have been trying but you can understand why your Mother might be becoming a little more anxious about the situation as time moves on and you haven’t secured employment yet. I honestly agree with your Mother in this regard, you need to prioritise. The most important thing for you at the moment, the thing that ought to be on top of your list, is to get work. Not merely so you can get your Mother off your back and start paying your way but actually more importantly, so you can reap all the rewards that come from earning money. The most critical of which is undoubtedly the increased independence that having your own source of regular income will provide. This really shouldn’t be underestimated. In addition getting employment will help reduce the tension between you and your family, you will be out and about working, not in the house as much and your family will see that you are progressing. The job will also be a boon in that it will get you socialising more and hopefully help you put things into better perspective again.
As to the issue of the Grandparents, you are under their roof as you say and unfortunately the people who own the house get to decide what happens in their home. I personally think it is unreasonable that someone would not be allowed to have their boyfriend/girlfriend visit, especially if it is a complete ban. However, there is not much you can do about it. Meanwhile the fact that you can’t have a boyfriend over is no reason not to have one at all. While your Grandparents may be the masters of their own house and be the interfering kind, they don’t control anything about what you do beyond their threshold, so don’t worry too much about it. Hopefully once you have sorted out the work situation and the associated tension has receded this issue may naturally dissipate, if not at least you would be in a better position to bring your concerns to your family in a calm and reasonable way. If that approach doesn’t work at least you will be in employment and could consider moving out and finding your own accommodation.
Best of luck Jamie.

Thank You very much, you have it summed up to a T x

Bredabe

Joeytheparrot wrote: »

I dont understand what that means. Are you saying you would respect homophobic people?

For myself, when my foster kids have overnight visitors, I like to have a period of time when they are in separate rooms, as I pay the mortgage. Once it feels right, I have very little problem with them sharing as long as they behave in a manner that works with having younger children in the house(too much noise or explicate talk at the dinner table for eg).

I expect this and when I visit there houses/flats I of course adhere to their sensible rules for their homes. No homophobicness in that, just two way respect.