How to get past this

LegacyUser

Without going into too much detail myself and my husband are together for 10+ years. We have a great relationship, we talk when we have issues, we have fights but normal day to day stuff. We have two young kids.

We were out at the weekend drinking, and long story short completely unprovoked some guy punched him. Mistaken identity but we know who he is.

We went home and my husband lost it. The kids weren't there. He wanted to go after the man. He wanted to drive, I wouldn't let him have the keys. I ended up on the ground and he stood on me and kicked me, slapped my hands and spat on me. He shoved me around the place. I was called every name under the sun, and then he started headbutting walls and doors. He threw furniture around. In nearly 12 years I have never, ever seen anything like this. Not once. I was so scared. He was like someone completely possessed and it was so out of character. I love my hisband, and he loves me.

If I read this I would say leave him. he's done it once, he will do it again.

But that's not what I want. And its not what I believe. My husband is desperately ashamed. He has said he will do whatever it takes to make it right. The thing is I'm not sure what we can do. I don't know what to do. I don't believe one incident should ruin a marraige. I'm just in shock. He is too and we don't know what to do.

Neyite

Is he really sorry and ashamed though? You need to find out how willing he is to work on this. That will tell you if this is a once off or not.

Is he going to sign up to counselling /relevant therapies today? Is he going to bring you to the hospital to get you checked out and admit what he did? Is he willing to go to the Gardai to admit assault? His response to these will tell you how sincere he is. If he is genuine, he will admit what he did and seek help. He could have killed you.

How can you know (or how can he reassure you) that the next time something in his life pisses him off, like a crisis at work or a road-rage situation he wont come home and kick the sh!t out of you?

Right now you are likely in shock. Maybe he is too. Did the kids witness the attack?

He needs to pick up the phone and start booking therapy for his anger - not talking about doing it after Christmas or in the New Year. He needs to book it and faithfully attend.

You need to pick up the phone and call Womens Aid. They will offer you counselling that will give you a lot of insight into your situation. They will not pressure you to leave, but will give you advice on how to stay safe and how to keep your children safe if you want to stay with him.

Big Bag of Chips

Neyite wrote: »

He needs to pick up the phone and start booking therapy for his anger - not talking about doing it after Christmas or in the New Year. He needs to book it and faithfully attend.

This.

He has to do it. I have a feeling that he'll say he'll go and he'll get you to organise it. Quite often in families the woman is the organiser. Booking doctors appointments, collecting stuff from the chemist etc. This is something he needs to sort out and he has to be the one to sort it out.

His reaction was extreme. And yes, he was provoked.. But why did he turn on you? The easy target?

It may have been a one off, never to be repeated. But the fact he was capable of doing it is what would frighten me. As Neyite says, what about if/when something else provokes him. You would have probably never believed he was capable of such a thing, so you now probably believe he'd never be capable of repeating it. But he lost control. He couldn't/didn't stop himself. I imagine you were crying? Screaming? So he had plenty of opportunity to listen to you and stop. But he couldn't.

This has now opened up a new side to him, and who knows how he will react in the future. I'm not saying he will automatically turn on you again. But what if the stress/pressure/shame of how he feels causes he to react stupidly to someone else, or to himself. You need to protect yourself. He needs to work this out. I have a feeling that this will turn into, if it hasn't already, him apologising, feeling ashamed and you reassuring him that it will be ok.

It's ok for you to be upset. I think the real shock of this will hit you later. In a few weeks maybe. And if at the end of January you burst into tears for no particular reason, he needs to reassure you. Not turn it around to feel sorry for himself and eventually have you comfort him again. You need support. He's not in the best position to give it to you at them moment because he is too emotionally connected.

Get support from somewhere. Somewhere where you are free to cry, and be afraid, and be angry, and be worried and be resolute in how you are both going to move on. Your marriage doesn't have to end if you believe it can be ok. But he did wrong. He needs to make amends. And you need to be careful of taking on too much of the responsibility to fix this.

bp

I am not condoning his behaviour in the slightest but was he hit in the head? Could it have caused damage/ a reaction?

I would second the advice of the above poster, call women's aid and take steps from there.

MintyMagnum

Would it be best to report it somewhere in case it happens again, would be easier then to get a barring order to protect yourself and the kids.

MintyMagnum

Would it be best to report it somewhere in case it happens again, would be easier then to get a barring order to protect yourself and the kids.

ManOfMystery

bp wrote: »

I am not condoning his behaviour in the slightest but was he hit in the head? Could it have caused damage/ a reaction?

I would query this also. I'm absolutely NOT excusing his behaviour, but if he's never laid a finger on you in 10+yrs and then suddenly does so after being punched (and with drink in him) then it might at least explain his actions, even if it doesn't excuse them - it seems horribly out of character. A friend of mine got punched a few years back and after some delirium, came round slightly and started swinging at all and sundry - friends included. They weren't even sure where they were despite looking mostly coherent at that point.

It could also simply be that he flew into a level of rage he's never been at in your company before. And if that's the case, I agree with everyone above - if he wants to repair things, he needs to talk to a professional about it, he needs to make sure you're checked out physically and are ok, and he needs to be 200% serious about taking preventative steps to stop this from ever happening again - even if that means admitting his guilt to the cops to prove he's repentant.

Aufbau

ManOfMystery wrote: »

It could also simply be that he flew into a level of rage he's never been at in your company before. And if that's the case, I agree with everyone above - if he wants to repair things, he needs to talk to a professional about it, he needs to make sure you're checked out physically and are ok, and he needs to be 200% serious about taking preventative steps to stop this from ever happening again - even if that means admitting his guilt to the cops to prove he's repentant.

At the moment, it doesn't matter what the cause of it was. He needs to do all of this, now.

And he needs to to report himself to the cops as a protection to his wife, not as a matter of repentance. Knowing it's on record will be an extra deterrent for the future, if needed.

OP, have you somewhere to go for a while - parents, siblings, friends? You need to recuperate away from all the tension. Do ring Women's Aid - they'll understand.

Yellow pack crisps

The thing is its as important to you to know where that anger came from as it is too him. Concussion or not he reacted in a very violent way and even if it was as a result of being hit its important you both understand that and trust is built up again. Trust is not just a cheating partner its one who has caused the other pain, fear and hostility.

frostyjacks

Aufbau wrote: »

At the moment, it doesn't matter what the cause of it was. He needs to do all of this, now.

And he needs to to report himself to the cops as a protection to his wife, not as a matter of repentance. Knowing it's on record will be an extra deterrent for the future, if needed.

OP, have you somewhere to go for a while - parents, siblings, friends? You need to recuperate away from all the tension. Do ring Women's Aid - they'll understand.

Cool the jets there. If he's going to the Garda station it would be to report the assault on him. The Gardaí would need to interview the wife first before they put anything on the husband's sheet, and it sounds like she's unwilling to escalate it to the law.

A marriage counsellor would be the best course of action here. It sounds like a one off incident, completely out of character. Being under the influence of alcohol and getting a blow to the head can turn even mild-mannered men into raging bulls.

LegacyUser

He was hit in the head yes.

The kids were not in the house: if they had been I would have called the gardai. I'm an adult and there is no way I would subject them to that. They are my kids and I would protect them no matter what. And that would include taking them away from their dad if I felt they were in danger for a second.

I don't want the gardai involved. At all. That's my decision. But he knows if it happens again I will call them and he can deal with the consequences because I will leave. He gets one chance and this is it.

He wanted to bring me to GP the next day and I wouldn't go. He's going tomorrow on his own I won't go. I don't want to right now. I know I should but I just can't. I'm alternating between anger and upset and I just don't want to. I know I need to but I feel he's doing everything he can and I just can't. I just cannot believe he has done it. I know I'm probably not making a lot of sense but I'm just devestated over this.

Big Bag of Chips

Does he remember it all? Has he offered any explanation to what was going on in his head? There is no right or wrong course of action for you now. You're still just processing this. So take your time. You don't have to do anything.

It will all come in time.

Bandana boy

Getting punched out of the blue can be traumatic for people and what you are seeing looks like a form of PTSD , the fight or flight instinct is kicking wildly into Fight after the fact.
Combined with drink taken on the night in question , unless he has a lifestyle that puts him in this scenario often then I think this will be a one off.If there was an underlying problem you would have seen signs before now.
Maybe to be safe he could have a talk with a professional but I think with the unusual nature of the incident that if you can find a way to forgive him then I think you can both move past this incident and return to your previously strong relationship.

up for anything

Sorry, I'm not buying the concussion bit/PTSD bit.

He stood on you.
He kicked you.
He slapped you.
He spat on you.
He shoved you around the place.
He verbally abused you all the while.
He headbutted the walls and doors.
He threw furniture around.

I've listed his actions so none of them get lost.

If you decide to continue on with him then it should be after he's moved out and taken anger management classes and counselling. Maybe he is deeper than you realised and this has been building up for a while. Generally, the aggressor is very sorry and full of remorse after the first time he punches/slaps or knocks over his partner. The contrition lasts for a while but the next time it's probably two punches or a punch and slap and then the violence builds incrementally, but your chap seems to have gone from 0-60 in seconds.

I wonder was there more behind the chap assaulting him than he let on to you? He may have pretended not to know what the punch was for.

Speak to Women's Aid and see what they could arrange for you in terms of counselling and someone to offload to. It's not only yourself you have to protect but your children as well. Domestic violence has to start somewhere so just because you've been married twelve years doesn't mean it hasn't.

HS3

whattodo789 wrote: »

He was hit in the head yes.

The kids were not in the house: if they had been I would have called the gardai. I'm an adult and there is no way I would subject them to that. They are my kids and I would protect them no matter what. And that would include taking them away from their dad if I felt they were in danger for a second.

I don't want the gardai involved. At all. That's my decision. But he knows if it happens again I will call them and he can deal with the consequences because I will leave. He gets one chance and this is it.

He wanted to bring me to GP the next day and I wouldn't go. He's going tomorrow on his own I won't go. I don't want to right now. I know I should but I just can't. I'm alternating between anger and upset and I just don't want to. I know I need to but I feel he's doing everything he can and I just can't. I just cannot believe he has done it. I know I'm probably not making a lot of sense but I'm just devestated over this.

It sounds to me like you're stuck between two thoughts. You want to 'move on', as per the thread title. But part of you knows to move on and let it go would be to trivialise what happened.

I would think you need him to know how you feel. But you feel bad that he is already remorseful and don't want to add to it, or make it worse.

Fact is, what happened was serious. It was a violent attack by some one you love in your own home. And although he may have been suffering the brunt of an unprovoked attack, you are too. He was so mad about what happened to him he wanted to go and tackle the guy. Yet you are supposed to sweep what happened to you under the carpet like it was nothing?

I would think, before you can move on you have to address it. Whatever platform you go through, a gp or marriage guidance or counsellor, I would think you need to vent what happened. I bet you're angry as hell underneath it all. Anyone would be. It's not good to bury that.

Who cares if he will never do it again. He did it. It was violent. It was terrifying and your head must be spinning. Once was enough and it shouldn't be brushed away. Your feelings about it are just as important as his feelings towards the punch he got and as important as how feels about what he did to you.