Second class citizen in long term apartment share

blurtle

I need help with my situation. I've lived with two people for three years now, both of whom were there when I came to the share. Generally things were well for a long time until the last 6-12 months.

Recently Laura (Not real names) has started piling her open packets of dry goods like sugar and pasta, etc around the microwave and in the corner of the countertop. Laura has the most space in the kitchen, one morning I peeked into a press in the kitchen to see what it was and it belonged to Laura, the top shelf was nearly empty but still there's an overflow larder on the counter as well, so she's just not putting the stuff away, preferring it on the counter.

Fanny has started keeping her suitcases in the hallway. They are not in a place where you would trip over them, but it's not a big hallway to begin with. This began in the last year with one small suitcase which she tucked beside a press she owns, and I ignored that to be reasonable, but now there is a second.

I mentioned to Laura that I found the extra suitcase unacceptable in the shared space, and unexpectedly, she turned on me, told me she wouldn't argue with me about it (I wasn't arguing, just discussing), that she had no problem and I could do what I liked or move out if I wanted. She told me that she and Fanny were friends before I moved in and I knew that (Not being psychic I didn't know that, of course) She doesn't accept that the increasing clutter is a regression from what I moved into 3 years ago, not just a stable situation I've decided I dislike.

I feel like a second class citizen in the apartment. If I get up at 10AM on a weekend I am told to be quiet because Fanny isn't up yet, but if Fanny is away, dishwashers get emptied, and doors get slammed to wake me up, and somehow I'm not worthy of the same level of consideration.

On the weekday mornings I get up an hour or more later than Fanny and Laura get up, one of them clomps about the wooden floors in the hallway in high heels at an unnatural and unnecessary volume to wake me up. This only happens when the offender leaves later than the other. I believe this is deliberate not just inconsiderate.

I don't think Fanny would be able to live with strangers, because she is quite inconsiderate and self-obsessed, but Laura seems to be a surrogate mother to her and thus there will be no discussion of how I or the shared space are being treated, no matter how diplomatically I approach the issue I will be stonewalled with passive-aggressive tactics, I've tried before. Honesty doesn't work and tricks like leaving clever/funny notes or offering to help put things away won't work because Fanny is too manipulative and combative.

It's looking like I need to move out, which is a shame because I have no problem paying the rent (The largest rent of the three of us in fact) and like the area, but the appartment is not a psychologically safe place and I don't think I can use reason or negotiation to make it so.

I would value rational perspectives and advice.

Michael D Not Higgins

Move, it's the only solution. They will always have each other's backs and you'll always be outnumbered.

Emme

OP those two are taking the proverbial. You are paying the most rent of all three and they are treating you as a second class citizen. I would be tempted to buy a pack of black rice and when nobody is looking scatter random grains on the worktop near Laura's open packets of dry goods. Hide the black rice where they won't find it. They will think it's mouse droppings and freak!

Seriously move out. Let them bully somebody else.

Mrs OBumble

Move.

They've been trying to tell you to go for ages, and you've been ignoring them. So they've had to resort to manipulative behaviour.

Squall Leonhart

Mrs OBumble wrote:

They've been trying to tell you to go for ages, and you've been ignoring them. So they've had to resort to manipulative behaviour.

Fully agree with this. Move, go, leave. You're not wanted, and after 3 years, this is as good as your relationship is going to get.

Carlos Orange

It sounds like you should move as you aren't likely to get any closer to them and improve things after 3 years.
Before you do anything or get too bought into doing so you should have a look at the market rate for what you have since it may not be practical to move out.

Walter H Price

No point hanging in there , just start looking for other places.

blurtle

I didn't expect that. And I never deliberately ignored any hint to go, I assumed they were just possessive of the space.

My relationship with Laura borders friendship so I thought that I had identified the toxic influence in Fanny.

I have always left them to full use of the sitting room where they watch all their own programmes on TV and I don't intrude and force them to watch The Simpsons or whatever. And they've kept the extra storage outside the bedrooms on account of their having clothes to store. I thought I was being considerate by having a small footprint and never got a sense of being unwanted, rather just as being squeezed into my room buy two territorial people.

I'd be surprised if Laura wants me out (Maybe not so surprised with Fanny), but I'm willing to consider it. Thank you for the perspective.

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This post has been deleted.

JohnDx

Move, don't know how anyone could share a house/apartment with strangers.

blurtle

I was saving for an apartment of my own, but it's about 8-10 months away (New job, probationary period, central bank rules... you know the drill). I may just have to move out, though it will double my rent, or near enough, if I decide to live alone in the area.

I'm not doing any tricks right now, I believe in honesty, though I accept it's not working here. We'll keep the black rice in the back pocket for now, but genuinely thanks for the idea and the laugh

On the upside I have a better relationship with the Landlord than they do, so the deposit should be a walkover

Walter H Price

JohnDx wrote: »

Move, don't know how anyone could share a house/apartment with strangers.

having done it twice i wouldn't recommend it to anyone , having to deal with someone else's mess all the time is an absolute head wreck. We didn't renew either of the people who were sub letting fro us tenancies in August just asked them both to leave got two kittens instead best decision ever.

It was convenient for a while but as soon as we had the money not to need them there anymore they were gonzo's.

Mrs OBumble

JohnDx wrote: »

Move, don't know how anyone could share a house/apartment with strangers.

I did it for years: ten til i bought a house and three after that. Some of the strangers became friends, some didn't. Its fine provided you have good instincts for people, and know how to be adult in your communication.

missmatty

I did it for a long time, if I could have afforded to live alone I would have. In saying that, I moved in with a good friend once (who I'd known for many years) and that ended very badly so sometimes you're better off with strangers to be honest. Made some good friends that way.

the_syco

blurtle wrote: »

I have always left them to full use of the sitting room where they watch all their own programmes on TV and I don't intrude and force them to watch The Simpsons or whatever. And they've kept the extra storage outside the bedrooms on account of their having clothes to store. I thought I was being considerate by having a small footprint and never got a sense of being unwanted, rather just as being squeezed into my room buy two territorial people.

You see it as leaving a small footprint, they may see it as you being meak; they have full sitting room, can leave stuff anywhere, etc, etc.

As said, move.

5rtytry56

the_syco wrote: »

they may see it as you being meak;

THIS.

Steodonn

Your best of moving, but your also free to treat the common area just like they do. Spread out see what happens if it goes south you can still move

groovyg

blurtle wrote: »

I was saving for an apartment of my own, but it's about 8-10 months away (New job, probationary period, central bank rules... you know the drill). I may just have to move out, though it will double my rent, or near enough, if I decide to live alone in the area.

I'm not doing any tricks right now, I believe in honesty, though I accept it's not working here. We'll keep the black rice in the back pocket for now, but genuinely thanks for the idea and the laugh

On the upside I have a better relationship with the Landlord than they do, so the deposit should be a walkover

Op if you can't afford to move and if moving means you are going to be paying a hell of a lot more in rent then would you not stick it out until you are ready to buy an apartment. To be honest I think they see you as a push over and you are allowing them to walk all over you. You need to stand up for yourself and treat the place as your home as opposed to feeling like an outsider. As for not making noise at 10am on Saturday morning because sleeping beauty doesn't want to be disturbed ...seriously you live there you pay rent there so you should be able to put on the washing machine, have breakfast or listen to the radio. They don't seem to have any respect for you so stop tip-toeing around them.

the_syco

blurtle wrote: »

I have always left them to full use of the sitting room where they watch all their own programmes on TV

This Saturday morning, go watch the TV in the sitting room. Not too loud, but laugh loudly at everything.

davindub

Yep you get people like that alright, but enjoy yourself for the last few months you are there, I recommend taking up a new instrument and store all your belongings in the hallway.

blurtle

If I spread out or engage in any tricks/games there will be more fighting. Escalation is instantaneous with both of them, three reasonable words brings on a tirade. I tried talking to them since my original post and it was absolutely disastrous. Fanny said the suitcases would be there for as long as she decided to keep them there, and when I pressed for a date for removal I was accused of 'Aggression and inflammatory language'. Today I had to leave work early because I was having panic attacks after the experience. I have completely messed up this situation by being reasonable with impeded and unreasonable people, and I cannot endanger my health by fighting more.

I'm going to see if the Landlord will commute the period of notice under the circumstances and get the hell out of here ASAP, even though it's going to be very expensive.

Your supportive messages have touched me and I am very grateful to have felt less bullied, and less alone because of your support. thank you all.

Singer73

Feel for you Op. make sure you tell the LL why you are moving. And start making noise. You will feel better!

CollyFlower

It sounds like you're living with a couple..... If I was you I'd get a flat share with one other tenant.

pc7

The fact you hope to buy in 8-10 months, will moving out and paying a higher rent lengthen this time? If it will could you not stick it out? I see you mention having to leave work over it. Sorry it's affecting you so much but could you try brazen it out? Or open a discussion with them saying you'll be gone on next year and can you try work together to improve things for the next while.

ibarelycare

pc7 wrote: »

The fact you hope to buy in 8-10 months, will moving out and paying a higher rent lengthen this time? If it will could you not stick it out? I see you mention having to leave work over it. Sorry it's affecting you so much but could you try brazen it out? Or open a discussion with them saying you'll be gone on next year and can you try work together to improve things for the next while.

8-10 months is way too long a time to be stressed out over a situation for. OP if your plans for buying a house have to be delayed by a year, it's worth it for your mental health. Speak to your landlord ASAP and good luck.

Mary63

You shouldn't leave and you shouldn't be having panic attacks over this.This is running away from an issue and you will need to learn how to deal with confrontation without having panic attacks.You know you will have options in eight months so absolute madness to leave this reasonably priced accommodation and waste money you will need when you buy your own place.

Just forget about the suitcases and the food left lying around or else put the food in their presses and let the row begin.Is there anywhere to move the suitcases too so they wouldn't be in your way.

If you stand up to these twats they will back down, they see you as a walkover and they will give you more respect if you speak up.Make it clear you aren't going to be driven out, not because you like living with them but because you like the accommodation and the rent is reasonable.Tell them if anyone is going to be moving out it will be them.If this doesn't work and you have to move out anyway at least you stood up to them and it will give you more confidence the next time.

Seek some professional help for the panic attacks.

pc7

ibarelycare wrote: »

8-10 months is way too long a time to be stressed out over a situation for. OP if your plans for buying a house have to be delayed by a year, it's worth it for your mental health. Speak to your landlord ASAP and good luck.

What if the next house share is as bad, trying to discuss and resolve it in the short time could just be a better option.

Mrs OBumble

Go to your doctor and seek an appropriate referral (counsellor, psychologist, whatever) for the panic attacks.

House sharing might not be for you, I think.

the_syco

pc7 wrote: »

The fact you hope to buy in 8-10 months

8-10 months can do a lot of mental damage, tbh.

=-=

As said, seek professional help regarding the panic attacks, but also consider a bedsit/studio flat. They're not great, but it'll only be you.