Cut out family member with addiction

LegacyUser

My brother has a serious drug addiction and the past few years we have tried everything to help him - got up into a rehab facility (he ended up leaving of his own accord), counselling, you name it we've been through it. As expected it's taken a toll on my mental health and of my family members. We all realise now that he cannot be helped and doesn't want to be helped.

He has been rock bottom now for the past year, staying in homeless hostels and my parents say to him he is not allowed visit our home until he is clean.
The past 2 Christmasses he promised to not take anything while in our family home but he did and we had to put up with him dozing off for most of the day (having taken heroin). Because of feeling sorry for him we tried to just put up with it for that day but it's also the aftermath of it that takes its toll on my mental health and affected me badly.

My parents promised to us after that day that he will not be allowed back for Christmas again. But they're feeling bad for him again (not wanting him to be in a homeless shelter for Christmas) that they have said he's allowed back for Christmas on condition he stays clean.
I know he will not stick to that promise and we'll have to go through this again.

I'm at the stage now where I want nothing to do with him because it has caused me so much pain and I think I'll find it easier to cut him out completely from my life.

Has anyone any experience of this with a family member?

Feel so alone in this struggle as none of my friends know about it cos I'm so ashamed and wouldn't want people to find out.

valoren

If he is unable to recognise the generosity that is being extended to him by you all by allowing him to stay for Christmas then it seems to me that he is truly a lost cause.

I would suggest that your parents are the problem here. You can see through his BS. They can't. They still see their son.

Your brother is exploiting them, manipulating them.
And they are clearly enabling him, falling for his lies about getting clean with infuriating regularity. They are also failing to see the impact this is having for you personally.

With addicts, the best course of action is a zero tolerance policy. Look at it this way, he's had two strikes regarding Christmas at your house. You could suggest that there won't be a third strike or else it's three strikes and you're out.
You can be assured that if he got away with it in the past then he will feel he is infallible and that you are all a soft touch.
Suffice to say, that he will use again if he is allowed home and this cycle of abuse will continue until addressed.

Be forewarned though. You will be the unpopular person for suggesting he stay away for the Christmas. Your parents may think that you are being too hard perhaps. If your brother got wind of what you suggest then he will exploit this too, by guilt tripping your parents into submission. But, forewarned is forearmed so expect to get some flak for taking the hard line approach.

You are all entitled to a peaceful, stress and worry free Christmas.

shafty100

i would urge you not to take advise from anyone on here unless they have been through it personally with a family member as you have to go through it personally to truly know it ,hence why a lot of ex addicts become addiction councellors .no offence to above poster unless he is a councilor , i had a life of hell with a brother who eventually over dosed and died but i would not discuss this any further on here <SNIP>

Big Bag of Chips

I think you need to accept that he is your parents' son. And regardless of everything, they love him, and hope and wish he will eventually sort himself out. They know there's little or nothing they can do for him. They are in denial a bit thinking it's not as bad as everyone thinks. They think, surely he'll be alright staying off it for a day or two. But he won't. He can't. But at the same time, your parents (mother?) can't ignore him at Christmas. He is still their son. It's not your place to cut him out of their lives. That is up to them. You can cut him out of yours, but if you want to have dinner at home, and your parents want to invite him then you have to accept it. Maybe some year they won't invite him. Or maybe some year he won't be around to invite.

It's their house. It's their son. It's their decision to include him. Going on the attack about it and him will only lead to them immediately jumping to his defence. To be honest, I think your parents are probably right to bring him home for Christmas. He will pass out on the sofa. They will be heartbroken and the cycle will continue. But the cycle of him destroying his life and them being heartbroken will go on and on anyway.

I think you'd benefit from attending Nar-Anon. It's a support group for families living with addicts in their lives. Nar-Anon.org is the website. You can only look after yourself. You can't influence or change your brother, and your parents aren't really likely to change either. Despite what they say, it's very difficult to turn your back on your child. Completely.

Drumorig

I was in a similar situation only a lot worse. I ended up leaving myself and havent been home in years.

tbh if he's only goofing off I'd leave him at it. He could be doing alot worse, believe me.

I'll say no more, good luck.

Nettle

I have been in your place I have a brother who is semi clean at the moment. He no longer uses heroin but still smokes weed, which he will smoke as if it were cigarettes.

I can see why you feel the way you do and believe me I have felt worse about my brother at one point I remember hoping he would die of an overdose as I couldn't handle the pain of his lies, empty promises, his lack of wanting to get clean, his lack of parenting to his kids, if I am being honest everything about him and his addiction annoyed me. It's hard and I can't tell you what to do but just think it is not him that is doing it, it is his addiction that is causing him to do it.

No addict ever sets out to cause pain to those around and they never set out to become addicted to their drug of choice. One thing I have learned from my brother is that he is not a bad person just somethings he does can be bad.

Addiction not only robs a family of a loved one but it can rip those standing at the side lines to shreads. Heroin knows no boundaries and nobody walks away unscathed. I get why your upset and don't want to be around him but set some ground rules, is he on methadone? Or any other tablets? Encourage him to use those instead of the heroin and tell him to be discreet after he has used like spend some time in his room.

Whatever ye do. I hope ye can have as peaceful of a Christmas as any family. Heroin may have its grips on your brother don't let it take away your family.

HenryHill

Even if the lad wanted to stay off the heroin for Christmas day, he would be so sick withdrawing from it that the day would be ruined anyway.

Drumorig

Nettle wrote: »

, is he on methadone? Or any other tablets? Encourage him to use those instead of the heroin

methadone yes if he can get some. Benzos, no no no, they are far worse.

I'm good friends with some heroin addicts and they look and act normal, the idiots you see stumbling around slurring are mixing it up with benzos.
Also, cold turkey off heroin is easy enough, a few days with flu like symptoms, benzos on the other hand can kill you doing cold turkey leading to seizures which arent nice to witness.

.......

This post has been deleted.

Nettle

Drumorig wrote:

Also, cold turkey off heroin is easy enough, a few days with flu like symptoms, benzos on the other hand can kill you doing cold turkey leading to seizures which arent nice to witness.

I wouldn't say cold turkey off heroin is easy enough I have had my brother in my home doing it on a number of occasions and I can honestly say it wasn't easy for either of us. I can only speak from my experience and I can honestly say it was a lot worse than a few days of flu like symptoms.

Detoxing from the heroin is only part of it. There is the long road of the psychological side to it too. Addiction is both a physical and psychological issue hence why detox programmes tend to be for 6 weeks but the physiological side tend to be 6 months and then after that the after care is 90 meetings in 90 days.

My brother was able to hold down his job and that was right upto his decided to start his cold turkey. He took two weeks off for that and then straight back. He has had a number of relapses but any addict will tell you that no matter how long you are clean you are always at risk.

And I also know that I can't say that each addict is like him because they are not. Whatever the op does it hope they seek help for themselves as it is paramount that they look after themselves first

LegacyUser

OP here. So another Christmas day ruined by my heroine addict brother who did not care that he spoiled our day with his selfish ways. Not having anything to do with him again. Too much time spent feeling sorry for someone who doesn't care about us

Big Bag of Chips

Sorry to hear that, OP, but you can only make your choices for you. You can't make your parents' choices.

I think you might be safer to start thinking about alternative arrangements for Christmas next year. It's unlikely that your parents will ban him from the house, so if you don't want a repeat of the past number of years you're going to have to change something. And the only thing you can change is you and what you do.