BF wont socialise with me

LegacyUser

Bf wont socialise with me as in go out at night to a pub etc. Were together a year and only had 2 nights because we both went out separately with our friends and just met out. This is a big issue for me because of the way an ex treated me and he knows this and I have asked him so many times yet when he goes out all he says is it wouldnt be suitable to go with a big bunch of lads. Whats worse is that he told me he never went out with his ex either and last night I found loads of pics of them (tagged ie he didnt upload) on nights out together with their friends. Now Im really hurt because I feel its me thats the problem, Any advice/

Ursus Horribilis

The question I'm asking is what is he hiding? I wonder does he have another girlfriend on the go or wants to behave like a single lad when he's out with his friends. Alarm bells are also ringing about that lie he told about his ex. So my question is - what is it you're getting from this relationship?

Big Bag of Chips

So in a year he has never gone out with you on a night out, because it would interfere with a night out with the lads? You do realise, for a full year he has prioritised nights out with the lads ahead of a night out with you. Could he not give up the odd night out to go out with you instead?

This has been discussed here many times before, and some people believe that some lads just want lads nights out and not have the gfs tagging along... And that's fine. But, the other side of that is a person is just as equally entitled to want socialising with their bf/gf to be a part of their relationship. So if this is something you're not compatible on, and there is no compromise then maybe it's time to consider finding a relationship that is more in line with what you are happy with. He's not the only fella in the world. And in my experience a fella never going on a night out with his gf is unusual. I've never gone out with a fella like that. None of my family or friends have ever gone out with a fella like that. So there are plenty of fellas out there who would be happy to have a gf and include her in his nights out.

LegacyUser

I don't think I agree with your definition of a boyfriend, or your definition of what it means to be together. He's living the single life and you're just a convenient bit on the side, someone to maybe meet up with on a night out if it happens to suit him, but not to be brought out in case it cramps his style. If you've already pointed out that this hurts you and he hasn't changed, the only sensible option is to walk, staying around will just see him carry on as it suits him and probably manifest that poor attitude to you in other ways in the future.

silverharp

what age are you "roughly" OP? if you are 19/20 its one thing if you were in your mid to late twenties it would sound a bit more off. As for the photos etc. you could interpret that either way, maybe it didn't work out having his ex mixing with his friends so he doesn't want to repeat the mistake?
I think if you are dating someone you are entitled to having nights out even if its just the 2 of you. Simply insist that you want to go out the 2 of you whatever you think is reasonable, a couple of times a year is not reasonable

LegacyUser

He is definitely not cheating or anything like that. He goes out himself about every 3-6 weeks so not all that often but his excuse is he cant bring his GF out with a bunch of lads. But it just hurt me so much saying he never went out with his gf when theres loads of photos of them together and with their friends, like one big group. Ive only met a handful of his friends. It just hurts so much that he felt proud enough of someone before to do the normal rights of a relationship but not about me cause I have to plead the whole time

LegacyUser

we are both 27

Ursus Horribilis

GourmetTart wrote: »

It just hurts so much that he felt proud enough of someone before to do the normal rights of a relationship but not about me cause I have to plead the whole time

You should never have to plead with your own boyfriend. Or accept second best. It's not just that he doesn't want to be seen out in public with you. He lied and took you for a fool. Why are you with him?

Big Bag of Chips

How do you know he's not cheating? I have to say I've never known a fella who kept his gf completely separate from his body of friends. Any friends I ever had, male or female would always always include their bf/gf in their social circle. Always. If I have met a fella who did keep his gf separate, well then I've never known. As in, a gf was never mentioned! As in, the man deliberately omitted to mention, ever, that he had a gf.

Do his friends know he has a gf? Do other girls know he has a gf?

Riskymove

GourmetTart wrote: »

H He goes out himself about every 3-6 weeks so not all that often but his excuse is he cant bring his GF out with a bunch of lads.

It is one thing that he goes out for a night with the lads every 3-6 weeks and wants to go on his own

Even then after a year it is very odd

But it is another issue completely that you are not socializing as a couple the other 2-5 weeks he is not out with the lads

tara73

you said he's only going out every 3-6 weeks with the lads. what's happening on the (plenty) other weekends?? are you both living together and sit at home watching tv or, even worse, you don't live together and don't meet at all at the weekend?
It all seems odd. I would have a proper chat with him again, telling him how you feel. also mention you seen the pics with him and the ex gf being in the group and why he said she never joined his friends too.

I wouldn't waste too much time on him, he doesn't seem too bothered with the relationship.

Ursus Horribilis

I can't help but wonder is he keeping you sweet as a guaranteed shåg?

bee06

I'm confused. OP, can you clarify if the issue is that he won't socialise with you at all or is it that he doesn't want you going out with him and his friends? Does he go out with your friends?

LegacyUser

He;s with me the other weekends. To clarify he doesnt want me out with him and his friends because he thinks it would be weird just me and a group of lads, and while he has met mine he wont come out with them either. He also made plans with me xmas months ago and now he has just told me that he has to go to a charity fundraiser with his friends in his hometown but he will meet me another night over christmas...

leggo

Gonna play devil's advocate here and suggest that, if he only goes out the odd weekend with the lads, he probably just wants his lads nights out, which is VERY natural (and healthy). And the whole "it wouldn't work with a girl there" is a white lie to protect your feelings because he could be afraid you'll take it as he doesn't want you around. Some people can be weird about taking space for themselves or giving their partners space, as if admitting that it's healthy to go out without your partner is a problem...when it's really, really not. Could he perhaps feel a bit smothered by spending every weekend with you and, just once in a while, want a weekend just with his mates? I'm asking here, you're the one in the situation, you tell me.

It also seems a bit strange that you really want to be a part of his lads nights to be honest, that set off alarm bells in my head. Why do you want this? Do you not want him to be away from you sometimes so you can have your own nights or are you one of those partners who always needs their other half there? Because the latter is a bit needy, as is worrying about what he used to do with his ex (which is irrelevant - whatever they used to do ended in them breaking up, remember?). Just something to think about OP...

Dial Hard

leggo wrote:

It also seems a bit strange that you really want to be a part of his lads nights to be honest, that set off alarm bells in my head. Why do you want this?

She doesn't want "this", she wants them to socialise, as a couple, in *addition* to his lads' nights out; i.e. with his friends and their other halves, or with her friends and their other halves. Which is perfectly normal.

His "I go out with my mates and you go out with your mates and never the twain shall meet" idea is very strange, imo.

osarusan

GourmetTart wrote: »

He;s with me the other weekends. To clarify he doesnt want me out with him and his friends because he thinks it would be weird just me and a group of lads, and while he has met mine he wont come out with them either.

So he will go out with you, it's just that when he goes out with his friends, he'd rather it was just him and his friends?

If that's the case it's less weird than I first thought, which was that he doesn't go out with you full stop (although this might still be the case, not sure - he is 'with you' but are you going out for nights or not?).

But even then, depending on just how strictly you are kept separate from his friends, it might be a worry.

From my own experience - mostly, my wife goes out with her friends and I go out with mine. She'd have no interest in sitting in a pub while my friends and I drink pints and watch or talk about sports. She'll go out for dinner with her friends, and I've no interest in joining them either. But we're not hiding each other from them.

If the lads he goes out with are lads he's been going out with for years, and they have their own dynamic and so on, I can see how he'd be resistant to changing that. But there are usually other kinds of socialising - mutual friends and so on. You don't do any of that either?

ash23

Op my fella and I have no friends in common. So when out with friends it's always him with his and me with mine.
In three years we've attended one of my work functions together and even then he went home and I stayed out. And if we're both out the same night we might meet up to walk home but would both be with our own friends separately other than a quick chat if we're in the same place.

I don't want to be minding him or stilting the girls chat because he's there. I don't think my friends would like it either.
We socialise together with family and go on dates etc. One weekend we went away and a mate of his was living in the same place so we met him for a bit and then I left them to it.
We've been to weddings but usually the one whose friend it is stays later and the guest goes to bed early so they can drive the next day.

From my friends and family this isn't an unusual way for couples to be.

His ex and him might have had friends in common or she might have been friends with the friends girlfriends or something.
I don't think it's anything major to worry about.
(This is assuming that ye would go out as a couple, attend weddings/functions together, would visit family together etc and you're just talking about him not wanting you there when with his mates and him not wanting to go out with your mates)

Emme

GourmetTart wrote: »

He;s with me the other weekends. To clarify he doesnt want me out with him and his friends because he thinks it would be weird just me and a group of lads, and while he has met mine he wont come out with them either. He also made plans with me xmas months ago and now he has just told me that he has to go to a charity fundraiser with his friends in his hometown but he will meet me another night over christmas...

He cancelled his plans with you because something else* came up. Basically as far as he's concerned you're Plan B.

I know he said he'd meet you another night over Christmas but don't be too available. Don't always jump when he calls. Then you'll see if he's really interested or if you're the person it's convenient to chill on the sofa with over a takeaway and a movie.

There used to be an expression "passing time". This meant that a man would go out with a girl with no other intention than to "pass time" until someone else* came along that he wanted to date seriously.

If he's with you a year and he's not introducing you to his friends or family, especially at Christmas, he's not taking the relationship seriously. If you're not sure about the relationship why waste more time on it? You may be happy with that but if you want somebody who is serious about you take a long hard look at the relationship. You might be better off on your own for a while. If you finish with him now it'll save you the hassle of forking out for a Christmas present for him. I know it sounds cynical but he is being quite cynical the way he's sidelining you all the time.

*the word "else" could be substituted with the word "better" depending on the circumstances

JeffKenna

I dunno OP, you're coming across as quite needy to me. Let him have his night out with his friends every 3 - 6 weeks. In the space of the year you're going out what's that, 12 nights??

bee06

JeffKenna wrote: »

I dunno OP, you're coming across as quite needy to me. Let him have his night out with his friends every 3 - 6 weeks. In the space of the year you're going out what's that, 12 nights??

My reading of the situation is not that she wants to go out with him and his friends every time but that it seems like he is keeping her completely separate from them. She has only been introduced to a handful of his friends after a year of being together.

JeffKenna

bee06 wrote: »

My reading of the situation is not that she wants to go out with him and his friends every time but that it seems like he is keeping her completely separate from them. She has only been introduced to a handful of his friends after a year of being together.

I suppose we need clarification really, my understanding is that he goes out/meets his friends once every 3 to 6 weeks and she wants to be included in these nights out. If he only meets them say, once every 6 weeks then I would see nothing wrong with not being introduced to them.

Something like a wedding would be the real test.

LegacyUser

GourmetTart wrote: »

Bf wont socialise with me as in go out at night to a pub etc. Were together a year and only had 2 nights

I'm not sure where all the confusion about the OP's issue is coming from, here's the problem in the first post. The lads nights out are just a contrast to the fact that he won't go out with her and add up to successive missed chances to take her out as he refuses to have her along on those nights.

LegacyUser

JeffKenna wrote: »

I suppose we need clarification really, my understanding is that he goes out/meets his friends once every 3 to 6 weeks and she wants to be included in these nights out. If he only meets them say, once every 6 weeks then I would see nothing wrong with not being introduced to them.

Something like a wedding would be the real test.

To clarify my issue is that he goes out every 3-6 weeks with the lads. We never go out together with just each other or with friends together. I dont necessarily want to go out with the lads on my own as we all need time with our friends, but would like if we could plan nights together or nights with both friends so we could all mingle together. We have only bee out twice in the past year because we were both out with our friends separately and met during the latter stages of the night. He made a promise to me and broke it regarding a night we had planned over christmas aswell.. its just seems to be a pattern and i think i am the problem some how because I have seen loads of photos of him and his ex on nights out

Ursus Horribilis

Again I ask what is it you're getting from this relationship? I'm not seeing evidence anywhere that he thinks you're the greatest thing since sliced bread. No signs that he thinks you're fabulous, wants to show you off to his friends, introduce you to his family and make you an integral part of his life. You mentioned that your ex treated you badly and I'm wondering have you simply switched one bad relationship for another one? Have you ever had a happy relationship with a nice man? You don't appear to have an understanding of what such a thing is. You're his girlfriend, for heaven's sake. You should not be pleading with him for morsels of his precious time, you shouldn't be lied to and taken for a fool and you shouldn't be hidden away like some dirty secret. I bet you're going to tell us that the pair of you never go anywhere, even during daylight hours.

JeffKenna

GourmetTart wrote: »

To clarify my issue is that he goes out every 3-6 weeks with the lads. We never go out together with just each other or with friends together. I dont necessarily want to go out with the lads on my own as we all need time with our friends, but would like if we could plan nights together or nights with both friends so we could all mingle together. We have only bee out twice in the past year because we were both out with our friends separately and met during the latter stages of the night. He made a promise to me and broke it regarding a night we had planned over christmas aswell.. its just seems to be a pattern and i think i am the problem some how because I have seen loads of photos of him and his ex on nights out

Well looking at photos of him and his ex is never a good thing to do. One can never judge from Facebook, what the situation was. It might have been the same senerio as happened with you in that he met his ex towards the end of the night and that's when the photos were snapped. Irrespective of that, the relationship he had with his ex is a different one to you (and one that didn't work out), so I definitely wouldn't be using that as a template for your relationship.

I presume you go out to the cinema and do other things together as a couple? Some people don't want their relationship to revolve around drink/pub which is fair enough as well?

JustAThought

Op Your message/reply is oddly worded so I'm not exactly sure what the actual case is - you & he NEVER go out together? If so, this is a disaster - he is just using you for the obvious, end it.

If you & he do go out either jointly to the pub or to meet other couples then what is the big drama? A lads night out is a lads night out - bringing GF's changes the mood & tone & he's being honest with you & saying he wants his boys night out. You wouldn't bring him on a girls only lipgloss & gossip night out - same aberration.
Sounds like you ate bored & dissatisfied with your wuiet nights out & want to be hanging out in a big gang & having the craic of banter & other people & a bit of a buzz - ie - you are bored with his company by yourselves.

Your chasing pics of him & his ex & what they used do is unhealthy. Stop stalking his past on FB & comparing what you do & have with it.

It honestly sounds as if it is a negative relationship where you are unhappy & at 27 I gave to ask why you are wasting valuable time & years by being in it?

osarusan

GourmetTart wrote: »

We never go out together with just each other or with friends together.

Ok, this is clear now, and sad too.

You clearly want to, and have spoken to him about it, and he makes empty promises to placate you which he'll later break.

I don't think what he did with his ex is always that relevant, but it does show that he is willing to go out with a partner...just not you.

What you're looking for is completely normal and should be something he is happy to do (for himself anyway, as well as you) and you're right to be unhappy about it.

silverbolt

GourmetTart wrote: »

To clarify my issue is that he goes out every 3-6 weeks with the lads. We never go out together with just each other or with friends together. I dont necessarily want to go out with the lads on my own as we all need time with our friends, but would like if we could plan nights together or nights with both friends so we could all mingle together. We have only bee out twice in the past year because we were both out with our friends separately and met during the latter stages of the night. He made a promise to me and broke it regarding a night we had planned over christmas aswell.. its just seems to be a pattern and i think i am the problem some how because I have seen loads of photos of him and his ex on nights out

why not?

My missus joined me for my work xmas party, the night before she had a bday party round her friends house which i could have gone to but was assured it wasnt my thing, shes going out with her friends on Friday Saturday and im not.

She has her friends (i dont have many friends but thats not her fault) and shes fully entitled to go out without me. We still go out together on dates. The point is you can have separate social circles providing you make time for one another

Also youre fixating on his ex. Have you asked him why shes comes out with the lads? Maybe they are mutual friends

Have you suggested going out? Have you made arrangements to go out?

As for the xmas. Well its a charity fundraiser. Has he broken any particular plan you had that cant be rearranged?

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Ursus Horribilis

Maybe she met him on Tinder?

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Ursus Horribilis

You'd be surprised. We need more information from the OP.

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SarahMollie

GourmetTart wrote: »

To clarify my issue is that he goes out every 3-6 weeks with the lads. We never go out together with just each other or with friends together. I dont necessarily want to go out with the lads on my own as we all need time with our friends, but would like if we could plan nights together or nights with both friends so we could all mingle together. We have only bee out twice in the past year because we were both out with our friends separately and met during the latter stages of the night. He made a promise to me and broke it regarding a night we had planned over christmas aswell.. its just seems to be a pattern and i think i am the problem some how because I have seen loads of photos of him and his ex on nights out

So...you've never actually gone out togehter then? Meeting accidentally towards the end of the night and then going home together doesnt count IMO.

Unless you've left the house with specific plans to meet then how can it be classed as a night out together?

LegacyUser

I agree Sarah. To make matters worse I had to beg him and make him swear he would take me out new years and another night over christmas which he said he will. But to make up for it hes going drinking 4/5 other nights with his friends

Emme

GourmetTart wrote: »

I agree Sarah. To make matters worse I had to beg him and make him swear he would take me out new years and another night over christmas which he said he will. But to make up for it hes going drinking 4/5 other nights with his friends

What's the chances of him reneging on that like he reneged on your previous arrangement?

If you have to beg somebody to take you out then you aren't in a relationship. Sorry to be blunt, but he sees you as a f***buddy and little else. Dump him and go out with people you don't have to beg to be seen with you.

Ursus Horribilis

GourmetTart wrote: »

I agree Sarah. To make matters worse I had to beg him and make him swear he would take me out new years and another night over christmas which he said he will. But to make up for it hes going drinking 4/5 other nights with his friends

So yet again I will ask the question. What exactly are you getting from this relationship? Apart from the sex and being able to say you've got a boyfriend? Your self esteem and self respect must be non existent if you're willing to put up with this shabby treatment. Quite bluntly, I don't think he sees you as his girlfriend. Oh I'm sure he'll say the right things to keep you sweet and for you to warm his bed. But I am not seeing any evidence whatsoever that this is a normal relationship. You're lied to. You've been reduced to the indignity of begging for his time. He's puts his mates ahead of you. He doesn't want to be seen on public with you. Wake up and smell the coffee.

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Gangu

....... wrote: »

To make up for it? Like he's doing you a favour?

You had to beg him?

What are you doing? Kick this fool to the kerb and go out with someone who doesn't treat you like dirt.

Yeah. Leave him. You're delusional to think this has a future.

PirateShampoo

In fairness I don't socialize with my girlfriend either when she has been drinking with her friends because she turns into a paranoid monster.

LegacyUser

you obviously have had nights with your gf to know that though right?

rgace

Emme wrote: »

What's the chances of him reneging on that like he reneged on your previous arrangement?

If you have to beg somebody to take you out then you aren't in a relationship. Sorry to be blunt, but he sees you as a f***buddy and little else. Dump him and go out with people you don't have to beg to be seen with you.

I wouldn't say he sees her as a **** buddy only as they seem to spend a lot of time together, just not outside of the house.

It sounds like he likes to let loose when he is out, drinking to much/flirting with girls/going too the casino or whatever and feels like he would have to hold back if his girlfriend was with him.

OP is clearly not happy with the current set up and the fact it has got to the stage she has to beg for a night out doesn't bode well

professore

GourmetTart wrote: »

I agree Sarah. To make matters worse I had to beg him and make him swear he would take me out new years and another night over christmas which he said he will. But to make up for it hes going drinking 4/5 other nights with his friends

He's single in his own mind with a plan b at home.

Emme

rgace wrote: »

I wouldn't say he sees her as a **** buddy only as they seem to spend a lot of time together, just not outside of the house.

It sounds like he likes to let loose when he is out, drinking to much/flirting with girls/going too the casino or whatever and feels like he would have to hold back if his girlfriend was with him.

OP is clearly not happy with the current set up and the fact it has got to the stage she has to beg for a night out doesn't bode well

So he is single in his own mind and the OP is cramping his style. She's ok for a night in front of the TV and some s€x at home but not good enough to be seen in public with him. Why can't he have his lads nights out AND nights out with the OP? What's wrong with the lads knowing he has a girlfriend? If they weren't going out because they're saving that would mean no nights out with the lads or with anyone. This is not the case here. She would be better off without him.

Ursus Horribilis

She has been advised what to do. Hopefully she'll see the light and kick him to the kerb. Even if she doesn't, it's only a matter of time before he finds someone else who ticks his boxes. Then she'll be dropped like a hot snot.

Big Bag of Chips

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

it's only a matter of time before he finds someone else who ticks his boxes. Then she'll be dropped like a hot snot.

Or not. He has it set up lovely that OP is his staying in girlfriend. Another girl could just as easily be his going out gf. If OP is tucked away and accepting it as ok in their relationship, doesn't see his friends etc, then she's not going to threaten the going out girlfriend who all the friends know, but mightn't be introduced to the family.... Yet.

Keep family and friends separate and nobody ever needs to be any the wiser.

Ursus Horribilis

That's true too. Either way, OP, you're not Miss Right. You're Miss Option.