Cheater?

poppy81

Hi all,
Looking for some advice here.
I found texts on my boyfriends phone of a sexual nature between him and one of his female friends. To say I'm sick to my stomach is an understatement. I just can't get my head around things When I confronted him he swore that it was just a Once off, but how can a text escalate to him asking her for sexual pics!?
To be honest I'm 35 I don't know how to re build my life from here he swears he loves me and it was a moment of madness but I don't know what to believe anymore it feels the last 4 years have been a lie.
I'm worried I'm making myself sick it's all I can think of and drinking to numb the hurt I simply have no appetite

road_high

Do you think it was just texts and pics back and forth? (Bad enough in itself), or was there more? Course he'll deny that right now but you can read between the lines and see from what the texts were saying.
Did he try blame her by any chance?

poppy81

road_high wrote: »

Do you think it was just texts and pics back and forth? (Bad enough in itself), or was there more? Course he'll deny that right now but you can read between the lines and see from what the texts were saying.
Did he try blame her by any chance?

No I don't think there was anything physical but my mind is running away with me! He always says how much he loves me but I feel it's all bull now I feel sick all the time thinking of what he has done.
Things haven't been great between us I think I should leave but I'm so scared and I just can't picture my life without him.
I'm so conflicted

tara73

you poor thing. sending a virtual hug here.

I think it's very raw, you just found out so it's natural your emotions are all over the place, you feeling sick etc.
I actually would stop the drinking. It may feel like a relief while you are drinking but afterwards, with a hangover, everything normally feels worse.

It's difficult to give advice here, but with time, with a few more days, your emotions will settle and it will become clearer to you what you want to do. Don't pressure yourself now, give yourself the time to let the bad emotions out.
When you feel more stable, I suggest to have a calm chat with your bf about it again.

ibarelycare

What actions has your bf taken since you found those texts on his phone? Has he cut contact with this "friend"? Is it someone you know?

I'm not sure I'd believe it was a one-off. The trust is gone and it's going to be something that's very difficult to come back from.

You said things hadn't been great between you anyway. Had either of you been doing anything to address this?

Ursus Horribilis

Whatever you choose to do from here, don't let being 35 and the fear of being single dictate your decision making. I know you're panicking and very upset but don't make any hasty decisions.

As to what your boyfriend has been up to, nobody can tell you that. As we can see from what he has said so far, he's going down the "admit as little as possible" route. I too find it very hard to believe that this was a mere moment of madness.

Yellow pack crisps

If you think that it was just texting and that in time you can forgive then perhaps the relationship can be saved with the right work done.

Personally judging by the language you use i doubt you will get over it and you will always be worried and mistrustful in this relationship and it might always torment you and make you unhappy. Sometimes regardless of age and circumstances we have to be brave and rip the bandage off even if that pulls some the skin off to and is very painful, It will heal one day and you will be happier for doing so. They shared intimacy that you and your partner were only meant to share and that to me would be enough to end it. I will say this though you will come out of it stronger and know an awful lot more about yourself and your strengths and wants in life and you will recover and heal. Best of luck.

poppy81

Thank you everyone for taking the time to reply.
I don't believe it was a one off either My heart is absolutely broken in pieces.
I keep saying I'll give him a chance but I fear the trust is gone now and how can I ever come back from that.
My head is all over the place I feel like I'm not good enough, neglected and devestated.
I will take some time to think

Ursus Horribilis

Do you have anybody you could talk to and get it off your chest? A friend? Your mum? Someone else in your family?

MeatTwoVeg

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Do you have anybody you could talk to and get it off your chest? A friend? Your mum? Someone else in your family?

If she's considering salvaging the relationship, discussing this with her friends and family is a very bad suggestion.

Yellow pack crisps

poppy81 wrote: »

Thank you everyone for taking the time to reply.
I don't believe it was a one off either My heart is absolutely broken in pieces.
I keep saying I'll give him a chance but I fear the trust is gone now and how can I ever come back from that.
My head is all over the place I feel like I'm not good enough, neglected and devestated.
I will take some time to think

Your partner doing this has nothing to do with you. It is his own self loathing and low self esteem that made him seek validation from another source. You could be the best partner in the world and it wouldn't make a difference. This is his issue and not yours and anything he did was because of how worthless he feels.

Dixie Chick

Spot on, it is a weakness is people to look for attention outside a relationship. They may never act on it but it shows that they are willing to put all on the the line just to be told x. y, and z in a few texts.

God love you, you poor thing. I had this with an ex and I stayed but it never was the same again and eventually we finished about 3 years later. Three long years.

road_high

I think like everyone else is saying, it's the trust that's been shattered to pieces regardless of whether he did anything physical, it's still a huge betrayal of your confidence. It would be hard to see it differently as you look at him differently now, it's like a before and after.

poppy81

I would like to thank everybody for taking the time to reply and mostly for your kind words and support.
I will take some time to think right now my emotions are anger, devastation, followed by more anger!!
As a previous poster stated it's exactly like a before and after.
I thought I knew him inside and out I never in a million years thought he would do something like this to me.
My world has spun off its axis and o will never give that power to anyone again, be it him if I decide to work it out or someone else down the line.
Thanks again x

wistfuleyes

1

poppy81

Yep I am under no illusion that this escalated from idle friendly chat to underwear pics out of nowhere.
I need to bide my time for now try to heal try to believe him when he tells me how much he loves me
I'm just numb now at this stage I want to hurt him as much as he has hurt me.
That's dysfunctional I know :-(

Ursus Horribilis

Personally I would put little weight in those repeated declarations of love. Love isn't words out of a person's mouth. It's how they behave towards you.

Greenduck

OP Im so sorry to hear what you're going through. You can literally hear your heart breaking through the messages. What you need right now is some space from him. You need to figure out if this is fixable or not.

As you're going through this, remember none of this is your fault. He is the one in the wrong and try not let this reflect on how you view yourself.

For me personally, I don't think I could ever get over it. It is the ultimate deception in my eyes and you deserve so much better. Give yourself the time to heal and then see how YOU feel. This is not on his terms but yours. I hope you get through this. Keep your head up!

LegacyUser

Hey OP,

Sorry to hear about this.
Im a young guy in my early 30s who went through a similar thing last year with my ex. We were married - had kids - thought we had the perfect life. I found texts, she eventually admitted kissing someone.

I thought i knew her inside out too - but evidently not. I know exactly how you feel. Devastated, angry, upset, a raft of emotions have come and gone overt the past year for me. I know you'll be the same.

Hopefully you can work it out with your boyfriend - if he is really genuine that nothing happened and it was in fact a once off moment of madness.

If not - then just mind yourself. Talk to family and friends. Share the pain and emotion with people close to you - i found this helped a lot. Give yourself time to digest it all.

Think about things this way - better that this has happened now than in another 10 years.
Best of luck. You're not alone.

poppy81

TLWKND
I'm so sorry you went through this It's not fun!!
I'm still unsure what to do I love him and I hate him! I never in a million years thought he would do this to me I really thought I was the one
I don't know what to do Try to forgive him and worry every time his phone beeps that it's another woman? What kind of life is that?!!
I fear the trust is gone now forever

Estrellita

If I were in your shoes, I couldn't forgive and forget. It's asking way to much. If you hadn't found those texts, it may have escalated and gone further.

Some people can excuse physical cheating, some can excuse emotional (verbal) cheating. I'm not really one of them. Whatever the form of cheating the cheater isn't sorry, they are just sorry they got caught.

I'd be questioning why he would be willing to take a gamble with my heart for the sake of a cheap thrill. It would be better to move on instead of wrecking my head about it.

Sorry if my honesty is making it harder for you, but I'd rather do that than lie and say it's probably just a once off. I feel for you, hopefully you can come to a decision on what to do soon. Take care x

racso1975

poppy81 wrote: »

Yep I am under no illusion that this escalated from idle friendly chat to underwear pics out of nowhere.
I need to bide my time for now try to heal try to believe him when he tells me how much he loves me
I'm just numb now at this stage I want to hurt him as much as he has hurt me.
That's dysfunctional I know :-(

You also need to forgive him and try to forget it if you really want this relationship to work. That is the ****tyest part and the hardest part!!!

poppy81

racso1975 wrote: »

You also need to forgive him and try to forget it if you really want this relationship to work. That is the ****tyest part and the hardest part!!!

Yes that is true I'm just so raw right now I can't understand why he would do this I just can't get my head around it.
It's the fact that he engaged with another woman in this manner kills me and my confidence which to be honest was never great in the first place.
I never ever thought he would do this it was the one thing I was ever sure of and now it's all shot to s**t!
He means the world to me What kills me also is that he is always on my mind and I'm obviously, clearly not on his for him to be able to do this
I must think about if it's worth salvaging and deal with my decision, whichever it may be, no matter how heartbreaking.
All I know is I cannot face into a new year feeling this way

Tigger99

I agree that to move past this and stay with him, you need to forgive him. But you do not need to make any decisions any time soon. Including whether or not you forgive him. It's waaaaaay too soon to even contemplate that.

How is he behaving now? Is there a chance he wanted you to find out as a cowardly way of breaking up with you?

Ursus Horribilis

Has he come back to you with any more details about what happened? "It was a moment of madness" and multiple I love yous doesn't cut it in my book. You said in your original post that things haven't been great between you. Why was that and had you done anything to try and improve things?

LegacyUser

Honestly it's the easiest thing to say I love you but in reality I'm sorry that this might make it worse but he doesn't really love you or at least not the way you love him. I know you really really want to believe him so that the pain you're in could perhaps ease a little, if you believed him, but what good is it in the long term to just want to listen to nice things when he went and did that behind your back. Because that is the real him. Not the person who is saying these things to your face. Who he is has to be consistent with who he is when you're not there and you're not listening. You haven't expanded on 'things were not good between us', how he dealt with things not being good, nor how he is now, and I think a lot more of your answer can be found in those details.
All in all, I think this relationship is over, he CHOSE to do this to you and would have continued had you not found out. There's your answer, as hurtful as that is.