20yr old male who might be going down towards nothing..

LegacyUser

I am a 20yr old 'typical looking' black male. I am currently in 6th year home-schooled but I don't know whether I'll graduate. Despite going to GRIND classes, I honestly have no motivation. I have such low self esteem due to my unappealing appearance (dark skin, proclined yellow teeth,) and dislike for my gender and these notions of masculinity.

These feelings started when I was 13yrs old. I've always been a quite, friendly kid who tried to be polite and knowledgeable. I've realized that I like being seen as feminine and androgynous. I don't want to be a woman (not transgender). I don't care for being a man or woman but want to present myself in a 'covertly' attractive feminine individual. I truly believe that having light skin and moderate appearance would increase my self confidence greatly and allow me to focus on intellectual pursuits and the betterment of myself and others I care about But having black skin, a horrible appearance, and homophobic and sexist parents is a major obstacle.

Coming to a single sex school along with my mother going back to my father pretty much started my intense hatred for toxic masculinity. Seeing angry male teachers throw books around the place and be violent didn't help. Being around the 'lad' culture didn't help. Even classmates who weren't sporty, physically aggressive or in a group had this verbal aggression. I remember a guy threatened to '****ing punch me' because apparently I creeped him out by following behind and not speaking. I was never rude/disrespectful or infrigned in that guys space (apart from those few minor incidents). I know having friends with genuine women like me would never threaten me and vice versa. Also they wouldn't be that rude.

As you can guess, things didn't go well. By 5th year, I was severely depressed and visited a psychiatrist because of 'disturbing thing's I said to classmates'. I was angry that they diagnosed me with Asperger's because obviously my lack of friends and social contacts is the symptom of being in a toxic male environment and being an unattractive male. Despite my protests, they gave me an antipsychotic (Aripripazole - Abilify) for 'psychosis'. Didn't work and made me so tired and depressed that I had to leave school a year ago.

Now I'm here, not depressed but very angry and at a loss. Honestly with no social contacts, homophobic parents, low self esteem, disgusting body, I can't really see a reason why to even take the Leaving Cert if there's no point. Money can't really change skin colour. I've tried to make friends but I only make 'macho' male friends. Women think I'm trying to hit on them, Don't care about sex.

What do you guys think?

Airyfairy12

Youre not disgusting, black skin is beautiful and theres nothing wrong with being feminine or androgynous although iv always viewed androgynous styles as particularly masculine. Either way you shouldnt have to define yourself by your gender, find whats comfortable for you and do that, people will absolutely give you a hard time for it but I hope you can reach a point of self acceptance and comfort in your own skin where you won't allow other peoples opinions to affect how you feel about yourself.
We're constantly told to be ourselves and to be different, then we're criticized, told to change and to be like everybody else.. it can be extremely difficult for most people, especially if you are anyway different from the 'norm'.
You dont need to tell your parents about your feelings regarding your gender, they dont need to know.

Finish your leaving so that hopefully in September or even in a year or two you might get into a course and have the opportunity to move away from your parents. It mightn't feel like it now but your leaving cert is so important, you'll regret not having it in a couple of years, I also think that finishing it will really help your self esteem and confidence.

Please stop calling yourself disgusting, your skin is not ugly, it doesnt need to be changed.

CdeC

Hey Man,
I just wanted to say that you need to stop putting yourself down. It is really harmful.
Firstly your skin is nothing to be hateful towards. I am not sure why you feel like this. I imagine that you have a double minority problem. Being black and androgynous.
Please try and get away from this line of thinking. You may think about doing an exercise class. You don't seem like a person who'd be mad for the gym but what about yoga or something similar. Instead of calling your body disgusting why not challenge it and get to know it better.

Check out the American music artist Shamir.
He is a young black guy from America who has released an amazing album in 2015. He is quite androgynous and is quite confident too. Check him out in interviews. album is great too.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lp9GgdCgMXk

I would say that it would be worth your going to see a professional. On the basis that you're facing a lot of inner demons and insecurities that would be best left to someone who knows what they're talking about.

GreenFolder2

Look forward to third level, jobs or whatever you're doing next as it will be a completely different environment. Doesn't matter what it is. It'll be new and you'll be much more in the driving seat.

School isn't what I would describe as a normal environment. Even if home schooled.

There's *nothing* unattractive about any skin colour. You'll look great. That's really something that will stand to you as an asset in Ireland in particular, as you'll be the striking looking guy!

Also, maybe join some LGBT youth groups and stuff like that if they're available in your area or, if that's not your thing or if that's not possible, maybe even just join things that have nothing to do with school like maybe local drama groups or whenever might be going on in your area. Anything that isn't school and is broad based with interesting people.

Even maybe volunteer at a festival or something like that. It might open up some new avenues and you'll at least meet new people.

The main thing is to realise that school of any type isn't like the real world and outside of that you've a far more respectful, more diverse and less bullying environment.

Life will get better!!