Am I going too far with this other man??

daisy8800

Before I start, I am really sorry for such a long thread!!!
So I am married for 11 years and have 3 wonderful children. MY husband works full-time in a store and I work part-time in a supermarket. I have always been the primary care giver for our children (I wouldn't want it any other way).. My husband has always been good for contributing towards the bills of the house and if the children need anything he will get it for them. I am going to sound very selfish here as he is good when it comes to the financial side of things. My problem is everything else....
All he wants to do is watch tv when he is home or call to his mothers house. He does not like to socialize. When he is at home, it is his time to relax. I love my children more than anything but because he works full time and pays most of the bills he feels like it is my job to do everything everyday around the house. I have no problem with this but I do get down about it from time to time as sometimes I feel like I am taken for granted and nobody appreciates me. When I tell him how I feel, he gets mad and tells me I should be grateful for everything he does for us and that he will give up work if thats what Iwant. I am grateful for everything I would just like to be noticed every now and then. When he does decide to do something with the kids, they talk about it for days after and tbh I get a bit jealous.
If my friends go on a night out, I rarely join them. I have gone out once this year. I always ask him to go out but he just wants to watch tv.
The only time we get intimate is when he wants to. Even at that, he pauses the tv while we make love. Afterwards, continues with his programmes. I go to bed alone every night. I honestly cannot remember the last time we went to bed together.
Now to get to the part where I feel like the worst wife ever! A guy comes into the shop I work in once a week (for business purposes).. He has been coming in for the last year. We hit it off straight away. He too is married with children so I do know this is something I would never even consider getting into even if I could.
I don't know if he is interested in me or if I am reading too much into things. It should only take him 5 mins to do what he has to do in the shop. normally, he stays 15-20 mins as we do be talking or joking with each other. He is always happy to see me and will even make jokes from time to time about us going for a drink together (I never would)... All I could think about for months was this man and I often fantasized about being with him. Honestly, I can put my hand on my heart and say I would not go any further..
His shifts changed which meant he would be in supermarket a different day every week which was my day off. In one sence I was heartbroken as I wouldnt see him anymore but then I was glad as I thought it would get him out of my head.
However, it did not stop me thinking about him. He called into the supermarket 2 weeks ago to see me. He stayed for about 30 mins talking to me. I was having car trouble that day and he offered to help me. I told him it was ok as I still had another 2 hours of work. When I finished he was there to help me.
He has never asked me out or anything like that but I cant help but wonder why this man is being so nice to me.
I know there is no excuse for my behaviour but is this gone too far with this man. I know my husband talks to other girls as i have often seen it on his phone but I could never confront him as I would come out the worst in the end of it.
I don't mean any harm with this other man. I just feel so happy when he comes into talk to me and I feel like a little school girl again with the butterflies in my stomach. I just need advice on how I can get this man out of my head.. I don't see him very often maybe 1-2 a month and I don't want him to stop calling in because of my silly crush.
I know alot of you will say I need to sit down with my husband have a talk but trust me I have so many times and this is the way things are going to stay. If I could just get this crush out of my head it would make things so much easier for me.
I am really sorry for such a long thread!!!!

Airyfairy12

I really dont see anything wrong with having a crush or feeling a connection with someone, youve got nothing to feel guilty about, you havnt done anything, youre allowed to talk to people.

Your husband texts other women, treats you like a live in maid and gets angry when you express any feelings or normal wants and needs...are you honestly happy to be in that situation?

allym

OP this "crush" is a symptom of a much bigger problem.

Your husband is treating you like paid help. You're not, you are meant to be partners, a team. He is not treating you that way.

I suggest you have a good hard think about why you are allowing yourself to be treated this way, and if you're willing to put up with it for the rest of your life. I certainly wouldn't be.

daisy8800

Thanks for your reply. I guess I am just feeling bad for feeling this way. I have never cheated on him and I never would, it just this has never happened to me before.. I guess today I was just having a bad day and that's what made me post!! I can't see my situation ever changing. My husband has a temper but he would never physically harm me. I am very easy going and could talk to anyone. But everyone thinks the world of him and I would be totally alone if I were ever to do anything about it. His brother has often told him to treat me better, but I honestly don't think he takes any of it in.
I know if I were ever to leave him, he would make life so difficult for me. I know him better than anyone and he would bad mouth me to everyone including our kids. Icould never put them through that.
I am far from perfect myself, I would just like a day off where someone did something for me for a change. I am just feeling sorry for myself!!!
I am just hoping this "crush" I have is like a little escape for me and that it will fade very soon

allym

Oh Daisy, that reply is honestly so sad.

You don't sound at all happy. And your happiness is important! It's not all about everyone else.

I really think you need to speak to a friend or someone you trust, just to think things through. You say he'd make life difficult for you....that says everything about the type of person he is.

daisy8800

Thanks for the advice

Katgurl

Your husband / situation sounds absolutely horrible. How dare he pause the tv and switch it back on straight afterwards as if you're there to serve his needs. Or suggest you are not entitled to a personal life or that your feelings in general don't matter.

I don't know who he thinks he is being so high and mighty about the money he brings home for you - you're at home raising HIS kids. The cheek of him.

I'm not surprised you've developed feelings for another man!

Honestly I only see two options here -

Find a way to make him listen and understand that this situation is untenable

OR

Leave him.

As a previous poster said, the other guy isn't really the issue here.

Re your children; how old are they? Children aren't stupid and as someone who grew up (and suffered the consequences) in the middle of divorce, I would not suggest splitting up a marriage lightly but I think staying and allowing this be an example of how a family should be run could be more damaging.

LegacyUser

Honestly reading your post nearly had me in tears it is truly just so sad. I can also relate to the controlling temper problem and the TV watching in my own relationship. As the other posters have said, the other guy really is not the issue, you may not see it now because you've been in this dire situation so long but it truly is a inevitable result of the treatment from your husband. I know how hard it is to make a man like this listen. I really do. He will wait til you say 'the wrong thing' or slightly in the wrong way, or if you bring up something small that would make you happier but he will never ever see your side of the story, he wil jump down your throat, yell awful things (well my partner anyway) and then blame you for putting him in a bad mood, and how horrible you are for simply trying to make the relationship better. If he's anything like my partner he will always blame you for his bad temper, because well 'everyone else loves him'. Manipulation at its worst. It's the classic street angel, house devil. They will never though see the true person when that door closes behind him and nobody is watching. You are so unhappy but it will never be the right time to bring this up, basically your happiness is TOTALLY irrelevant in this situation.

You don't want your kids growing up like this. If you can possibly get him at a quiet moment, if there's 5 minutes when the ads are on between his programs, pause the TV and ask is there going to be a maybe a little bit of time you both could sit down and talk. Just say there's a few things on your mind lately and you feel you have to talk through them with him. Not in any confrontational way, as calm but direct as you can. That gives him the chance to say ok how about xyz time and he knows maybe to take it a bit more serious. I don't think he will welcome you saying in general you're unhappy( he doesn't care), frame it like you really think that the both of you going to some counselling would truly benefit the kids, because the way things are does not look very healthy to them as you don't communicate well at all. See what his response is. He will probably say it's nonsense or just say about the cost of it. Say there is low cost available, and it may be something that could save your marriage as you can't continue being so unhappy.

daisy8800

Thanks for your advice. My youngest two are 9 and the eldest is 12. I actually feel so much better as all of your reply's. It good to know I am not going mad!!!

Irish_Elect_Eng

daisy8800 wrote: »

Thanks for your advice. My youngest two are 9 and the eldest is 12. I actually feel so much better as all of your reply's. It good to know I am not going mad!!!

You are far from going mad!

You are a capable woman, a caring parent, a much stronger person than you give yourself credit for being and deserving of a lot more from your partner. Don't measure yourself by any feedback from your partner, even his brother can see that you deserve more.

As for the other guy, you are lonely and a positive friendship with a person that takes time from their day to enjoy being around you is not a bad thing at all.

Yellow pack crisps

Time to be tough. Time to confront your husband and how you see yourself and your role in this marriage. Who wouldn't want attention after being treated like a doormat? You don't have to put up with this and even if he won't change how he sees you or his role within in a marriage then take steps to make your life happier and all that this might entail! And if he says bad things about you? So what? As for your kids well most kids are smart enough to truly know who will be there when they really need it! And on that note do you really want your kids growing up thinking that's a normal dynamic within a loving relationship/marriage? Because they will! Your husband sounds like a very unlikable person.

tara73

Irish_Elect_Eng wrote: »

You are far from going mad!

You are a capable woman, a caring parent, a much stronger person than you give yourself credit for being and deserving of a lot more from your partner. Don't measure yourself by any feedback from your partner, even his brother can see that you deserve more.

I agree with this wholeheartedly

Irish_Elect_Eng wrote: »

As for the other guy, you are lonely and a positive friendship with a person that takes time from their day to enjoy being around you is not a bad thing at all.

but with this other man, it is not as simple and easy as this. it's true, you are lonely, you are treated with disrespect and ignorance from your husband for I don't know how long. I think it is only normal that you react to somebody, in this case a nice, probably charming man, who shows interest in you.
but in the situation you are in it's highly dangerous. I know you are not in the mindset at the moment to think of a separation from your husband. but we, as outsiders, are thinking this is an option you should definitely consider. and if it will lead to this and you are getting yourself simultanously into an extramarital affair, it could end very bad for you regarding your kids.
My advice would be to seperate from your husband, take time for yourself to get you and your kids started with a new life and then think of dating a 'new' man.

all the best

daisy8800

Guys thank you so much for your feedback, it really does mean a lot.. Separation is something I have thought long and hard about. I know there is never going to be a good time to try and sort this out. It like they say it's hard to teach an old dog new tricks. A lot of this is my own fault for putting up with it for so long but I was very young when we got married and I guess I wasn't very strong.
My kids adore him and I think that is biggest barrier as they don't see a lot of it but at the same time there is some of it that they are exposed to. He knows one of my biggest weaknesses is that I don't want the kids to see any of it so much of the time I just stay quite. Then when the kids go to bed, I'll try talk about it and he flys off the handle because he says it's over with hours ago.. don't even know if that makes any sense!!
I know sitting down and talking to him is not going to get me anywhere but I will definitely give it another go. As for the other man, I would never in a million years have an affair and I know a lot of it is probably just the fact that I am getting some positive attention from him. I just really wish I could stop thinking about him and move on.. I know this sounds stupid but it is actually eating me up inside because I feel like I'm cheating even though I know I'm not.
We have been married for 11 years and things have always been this way. If he is happy everyone is happy but if he is not (usually there is always something that has him in a mood) everybody knows about it.
I really am so grateful for all of your feedback.. it's nothing I didn't really already know, it can just be helpful to sometimes get advice of people who are not connected to my family and I appreciate the honesty

rainbowtrout

daisy8800 wrote: »

Thanks for your reply. I guess I am just feeling bad for feeling this way. I have never cheated on him and I never would, it just this has never happened to me before.. I guess today I was just having a bad day and that's what made me post!! I can't see my situation ever changing. My husband has a temper but he would never physically harm me. I am very easy going and could talk to anyone. But everyone thinks the world of him and I would be totally alone if I were ever to do anything about it. His brother has often told him to treat me better, but I honestly don't think he takes any of it in.
I know if I were ever to leave him, he would make life so difficult for me. I know him better than anyone and he would bad mouth me to everyone including our kids. Icould never put them through that.

Daisy, whatever you do remember that people know what he is like. His family know what he is like if his brother is telling him to treat you better. He doesn't attempt to hide this behaviour. Chances are other people have noticed it too, only perhaps you are so used to it that maybe you're not aware of it, and other people will stay out of your relationship and say nothing.

I hope whatever you do, it works out for you. You deserve much more than to be treated like a housemaid.

Colser

Just remember Daisy that the other man has a wife and family at home and chances are that she's putting up with the same situation as you...I'm only pointing this out so you see him in that light rather than some one better than your husband.

You're stuck between a rock and a hard place unfortunately..hubby will never change because he thinks that you will never go further than trying to discuss the situation so I don't think there's any point in trying to speak about it again.

You have to decide what you want to do..stay with him and live a miserable life or bite the bullet and separate.

Don't mention separation unless you really mean it because if you back out of it due to his reaction he has really got you trapped.

You have to speak with someone because you can't bottle up what you're going through any more..have you a good friend or family member that would genuinely help you?

It's not an easy decision to make I know and children are the main concern but you're very important also and the result would be worth it in the end.

Emily Bronte

I am sorry to see that you are in this situation. Your marriage is not at a good place. Your husband behaves in a selfish manner. You have tried talking to him to no avail. I can understand the buzz you get if you like when this other man is around. It might be helpful if you were to see a counsellor on your own. Your marriage is causing you unhappiness and it sounds like you might be staying with your husband to avoid conflict and perhaps hurting the children.
You say your husband is good to the kids and that he pays alot of bills but his first duty is to you. You are his wife and an equal partner in the marriage.
I think if you were to see a counsellor it might help you with your self esteem and to make decisions that will help you to move forward in your life. You are entitled to happiness.
Your marriage is not going to change unless your husband changes. It's time to look after number one. I hope this advice helps in someway. Take care

leggo

Not much I can add here OP except for, when you think of not wanting to separate for the children's sake, start trying to think about it as they're currently living in an unhappy home (through no fault of you). The quicker the circumstances change, however that may be, the better. They'll understand when they're older, if not immediately. But kids adjust and, as crazy as they are about him, you're still their mother and they love you deeply too.

I'm not going to tell you to leave your husband. That's way too simplistic and easy for me to say. But I think, if he doesn't listen to further attempts at reasoning, then you need to escalate somewhat because he needs to see that his laziness has real life consequences. For example: telling him you're sick of not being appreciated and, if he doesn't see what you do, then he can do it for himself for a while and maybe then he'll have some clue what YOU do for him. Then book yourself into a hotel for a nice spa weekend and have other people look after you for once! Don't tell him where you're going or how long you'll be gone, don't answer the phone when he calls or respond to texts, just let him sweat and run around the house like a madman for a while after the kids until he breaks and sees what his life could be like without his backbone propping him up.

That's just one example of what you could do, even staying with family a while to take time to think would be another option (although you do deserve time away to yourself to be pampered!) But the point is he's communicating time and again that he's not willing to change and there are no consequences to him not doing so.

If you escalate things and it still doesn't get through, then you need to start seriously considering separation.

And, like others have said, don't feel guilty about the attention from the other man. You've done nothing wrong and it's natural that you'd be starved with what you're getting at home. BUT you're right in thinking it's for the best that you can't see each other anymore as the worst thing you could do is make a mistake in a moment of desperation. So know that, if you are single, there are men out there who would appreciate you, but don't act on it until that's the case.

twill

OP, before you even hint at the idea of separation, make sure you have your ducks in a row. If you can visit a solicitor without your husband knowing, get an idea of where you stand should it come to that. You indicate that your husband is controlling and say will bad mouth you should you leave: perhaps it would do no harm to have a chat to Women's Aid about how to approach the situation. I'm aware that your husband is by no means violent, but you shouldn't have to fear what he might do to you, and if you are tiptoeing around him for fear of his reaction right now, it may get worse when he feels his interests are threatened.

Maybe also very quietly give a hint to your friends and family that there are issues in the marriage as he may try and convince people you're crazy, etc. (He's already isolated you from your friends.)

Honestly, given how you've described him, I would agree with EmilyBronte that it's time to look after yourself now as I can't see him changing, and I'd also advise getting some counselling as your first measure as he's been stamping all over your self-esteem for 11 years.

Sorry if I sound alarmist, I just think it's better to be in a strong position going into the process just in case.

Airyfairy12

daisy8800 wrote: »

Guys thank you so much for your feedback, it really does mean a lot.. Separation is something I have thought long and hard about. I know there is never going to be a good time to try and sort this out. It like they say it's hard to teach an old dog new tricks. A lot of this is my own fault for putting up with it for so long but I was very young when we got married and I guess I wasn't very strong.
My kids adore him and I think that is biggest barrier as they don't see a lot of it but at the same time there is some of it that they are exposed to. He knows one of my biggest weaknesses is that I don't want the kids to see any of it so much of the time I just stay quite. Then when the kids go to bed, I'll try talk about it and he flys off the handle because he says it's over with hours ago.. don't even know if that makes any sense!!
I know sitting down and talking to him is not going to get me anywhere but I will definitely give it another go. As for the other man, I would never in a million years have an affair and I know a lot of it is probably just the fact that I am getting some positive attention from him. I just really wish I could stop thinking about him and move on.. I know this sounds stupid but it is actually eating me up inside because I feel like I'm cheating even though I know I'm not.
We have been married for 11 years and things have always been this way. If he is happy everyone is happy but if he is not (usually there is always something that has him in a mood) everybody knows about it.
I really am so grateful for all of your feedback.. it's nothing I didn't really already know, it can just be helpful to sometimes get advice of people who are not connected to my family and I appreciate the honesty

Daisy you know that talking to him wont make a slightest bit of difference, there is no talking to people like that as they simply dont care enough to listen. He's far too self involved and self centred to take your feelings into consideration.

Can you get some counselling? I wouldnt tell your husband that youre talking to a counsellor, he wouldn't need to know, it can just be something that you do for yourself, it can just give you a safe space to vent and get another perspective on your situation, it will also help your self esteem and confidence. I just feel like you need to put yourself first and by going to a counsellor youre investing in yourself and your happiness, that in itself will higher your self worth also if you do decide to leave him the counselor will help you through it and discuss what steps you should take and the best way to handle the situation.

If you do leave make sure you have everything in order so that after the breakup you have support and youre financially independent and able to support yourself. It could take a few months to get everything sorted out but id now be focusing on my escape and making it happen. Dont mention anything to him about divorce or separation, carry on like normal but have a plan and at the right time, leave.

You have nothing to feel guilty about, youve done nothing wrong.

tara73

twill wrote: »

You indicate that your husband is controlling and say will bad mouth you should you leave: perhaps it would do no harm to have a chat to Women's Aid about how to approach the situation.

I think this is very good advice, having a chat with womans' aid. I guess they will support you in a seperation process.

Your husband is abusing you, he's a bully of the highest order. Not physically but mentally.

daisy8800

Thanks you so much everyone. I think I will ring a counsellor next week and book an appointment for after Xmas. I want to be in a good place before I do anything and need to have a plan in place and be mentally strong enough. I really am so grateful for all of your advice

jackboy

tara73 wrote: »

Your husband is abusing you, he's a bully of the highest order. Not physically but mentally.

I think this is an exaggeration. His behaviour is bad and selfish but he may not be a lost cause yet.
It appears that you have given in to his every whim over the years. Make a change. If you want to go out with your friends, just go and leave him at home. Do other things for yourself. Stop asking for permission.

professore

Yellow pack crisps wrote: »

Time to be tough. Time to confront your husband and how you see yourself and your role in this marriage. Who wouldn't want attention after being treated like a doormat? You don't have to put up with this and even if he won't change how he sees you or his role within in a marriage then take steps to make your life happier and all that this might entail! And if he says bad things about you? So what? As for your kids well most kids are smart enough to truly know who will be there when they really need it! And on that note do you really want your kids growing up thinking that's a normal dynamic within a loving relationship/marriage? Because they will! Your husband sounds like a very unlikable person.

Best answer here. Don't cheat, just tell him you're unhappy and if he doesn't want to change, initiate divorce proceedings.

Taltos

Mod Note
Thread closed.
Been over 2 weeks since OP has been back. Also deleted post that may have hijacked thread.